Another S/O of the Childhood Regrets Threads

[EJCMom]

Do you ever wonder what, 20 years from now, your children will be upset about in the way you are raising them? Sometimes when I'm tempted to throw myself a little pity party about the more major mistakes my parents made, I wonder what my kids will see as my major mistakes when they're grown. Will they complain that I pushed them too hard, or not hard enough? Will they complain that I wasn't nurturing enough, or that I smothered them? Will they complain that I sheltered them too much, or that I shouldn't have allowed them so much freedom? Do you ever wonder if you're striking the right balance with all of that stuff, and if your children will have major complaints about you? Or am I the only crazy one who does that?

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Yes, I do.

[Denisemomof4]

All The Time.

[nono]

I try very hard, but I don't worry about the scorecard they'll give me in the least! I actually can't wait to see what it was they detested. I think (in moderation) it's all healthy. I plan to laugh about it with them. Because they'll probably be right, and why fight it at that point?

[LibraryLover]

I don't know that we can know for sure how our actions over the years can be percieved by others, not ever our children. What looks a certain way to us might be processed far differently by our children. We can work hard to keep the lines of communitcation open. We can work towards making sure family members feel safe to be their genuine selves in their own homes. We can try to make the relationship, the emotional connection, the priortiy, but there are no guarantees others will understand or appreciate our actions/motivations.

 

I hope that my children understand that I value them as individuals, and that I care about who they are and what they think. I hope are am communicating clearly to them that I do.

Edited August 30, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Paintedlady]

I used to worry constantly when they were babies, imagining that I was the worst mother. My mother was violent and mean and I worried endlessly (turns out my siblings have had similar worries) that I would somehow turn out the same. Thankfully, those worries have been unfounded, but I do find I have a temper that gets the better of me sometimes. I often find myself apologizing and asking my kids for forgiveness after losing my temper with them.

[eternalknot]

Do you ever wonder what, 20 years from now, your children will be upset about in the way you are raising them?

 

I don't wonder about the specifics; I know they'll have their opinions, and I think personality (theirs) plays a large part in what they'll henpeck. That's something I learned from having so many siblings LOL. It's amazing how differently two plus people will remember the same event/experience. It does influence how I parent today, though -- I aim to make decisions and choices I can stand behind even 20 years down the line.

 

Do you ever wonder if you're striking the right balance with all of that stuff, and if your children will have major complaints about you? Or am I the only crazy one who does that?

 

They'll have complaints; it's natural to, I think, and will be a part of their own maturation process (ideally). You're not crazy :D and definitely not alone! It's one day at a time, you know?

[Pamela H in Texas]

Not really. It crosses my mind, but only briefly.

 

I'm really of the opinion that I've done the best I could (and constantly have aimed for better).

Sure I've made mistakes and I'm sure more than I've even realized.

However, hopefully, I've raised them to:

 

1) appreciate that I've done the best I knew and under my circumstances

 

and

 

2) THEY are responsible for almost everything they have chosen along the way

and will choose as young adults and through adulthood regardless of their upbringing.

 

Whatever they think I could have done differently, they can do differently with their own :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Well, I did start one of the spin-off threads where I said that my dd seems to have a personality that tends to assign blame for things. But having said that, I do stress to both my kids that they are responsible for their own emotions. I am responsible for my words and actions towards them and I do apologize when those are out of line.

[Mom0012]

Absolutely. Even though my parents were wonderful overall, there are some things that I had always felt they hadn't handled properly and there have been times when I've been angry with my mother. Now that I am a mother myself, I know that they did their best, mistakes are unavoidable and I realize how much they truly love me and what they sacrificed for me.

 

My hope is that my children will have children because I think that is when they will understand that I really did do my best.

 

Lisa

[Laurie4b]

Yes, I do wonder. I expect there will be things that I've done wrong even though I'm trying to do my best to do them right.

 

I think part of the problem is our therapeutic culture puts so much emphasis on parents as a source of blame for whatever ails you. Not only do individual therapists do it, but it is widespread in media articles, etc. that permeate our collective thinking. The result is that when something is wrong with someone, we (myself included) is automatically look at parents as the cause.

 

This becomes acutely painful to parents when there is something biologically different about their child. Parents of kids on the autism spectrum, ADHD, etc, parents of adopted children with attachment disorder, etc. not only have to cope with more than other parents from their children, but they have to do so being blamed by people in their extended families and communities rather than getting additional support from their families and communites. These parents have incredible levels of stress as a result, and that cannot be the optimal state for the child to receive optimal care. Communities contribute to the environment as well as parents. And kids themselves make choices and continue to do so into adulthood.

[delaney]

I stress about making sure the moments I am ranting about something from my PMDD are far outweighed by the happy moments I work on creating for them. I pray that they understand that when we badger them and ride them about stuff that they see why we did it-out of love.

[Mimm]

As imperfect as I am, I'm sure they'll have all kinds of complaints. All I can say is that I'm doing the best I can and I'm sorry for the mistakes that I've made. Kids are very forgiving. They want to love their parents and if you acknowledge your mistakes, they usually won't hold it against you. :) Even as adults I think we all want to have a close relationship with our parents and would be happy to let go of any grudges we may have against them. Maybe I'm generalizing too much. But I think that's generally true. I expect my kids will be similar. They'll have to deal with the unique way that I messed them up and I'll be there to help them get over it.

[hillfarm]

For my part, I try to parent intentionally, not by default. I research things and try to do the best I can. For example, the issue of vaccines or homeschooling. I did as much research as I could, made an informed decision, and no matter what happens later, I can tell my dd that I did the very best I knew how to do regarding my decision on those issues. I try to never blindly follow the herd.

 

I am also trying to raise her to see that adults are not infallible. I tell her that when she has children, she will see that it is much harder than it looks from her current vantage point to make wise choices and do things correctly. I also try to get her to see that she, too, makes bad judgements sometimes, just as we all do. It is hard because many kids like to see things in black and white. But that's not real life.