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My heart is breaking for a mother of two & I'd like to kick her DH in the rear! Vent

FaithManor
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FaithManor

FaithManor

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Our church just held a local outreach day in which we served lunch to 150 low income persons in our vicinity plus we gave away 60 bags of non-perishable groceries and dairy items. We had two licensed beauticians who gave free back-to school hair cuts, and we also gave away school supplies to 50 children and had a big clothing pantry filled with gently used clothing newborn through adult size ex-large and some new items. Additionally, a local professional photographer took free senior pictures, including the yearbook snapshot, and gave the kids their pics on cd so they could have them printed cheaply at Walmart. The day is exhausting but yet such a blessing for all of us involved. I headed up the groceries and school supplies and I must say, that every year there is always one situation that makes my blood boil. Dh is working and in a conference call so I'm going to vent on all of you, if that's okay, so I don't BLOW MY STACK and RUN OUT AND SMACK SOMEBODY REALLY HARD!!!!

 

A mother of two came in towards the end, crying her eyes out. She's married to one of my brother's former friends...former because of this man's irresponsibilities. He has quit farming plus a part-time job to day trade in high risk stocks on the internet. He's completely addicted, as though it were almost a gambling situation, and he's lost his shirt plus made the family destitute. The mom is a real sweet heart. Both of the children are old enough that they don't qualify for WIC.. Michigan has had to cut the program back so all children are dropped on their 5th birthdays and they've made it harder to qualify. She can't get welfare because they are married. If she went down to community legal aid and divorced him (which she has not wanted to consider), then she could get assistance. They are living in a home that one of their family members own. However, her mother is on a fixed income and in poor health so she can not ask for more from her, and her mil is part of some sort of religion that is not a mainstream one and would be excommunicated (lose her salvation and never have any hope of forgiveness) if she helped her grandchildren because they have not been raised in that religion. The mil is strictly prohibited from exhibiting acts of charity or mercy to anyone not of that religion. Therefore, no help from that grandma. Her dh's sibs are all sick of his problems and will not assist her.

 

The little girl, approximately ten, whispered in my ear that mommy told her when they ate their peanut butter sandwhiches that morning that there wasn't anything left in the house to eat and that they would get to have lunch at a nice church because the neighbor lady was going to drive them there but that they would have to go to bed hungry that night! Meanwhile, ding dong idiot...with over growing fields that he refuses to farm and is about to lose to back taxes...won't look for work, won't get off the internet, won't fix the car so she can look for work, won't stop borrowing money on credit cards so he can keep day trading, won't stop taking the last of the money to make those minimum payments so he can keep the vicious cycle going, round and round and round! I want to march over there and knock his block off! Why is this illegal???? Sometimes a good whooooping is called for!

 

We did the best we could. The kids ate a good lunch and we kept her around until the event was over. She and the kidlets got haircuts, our financial counselor talked to her about opening a bank account without her dh's name on it so that when she is offered financial assistance, she can keep it away from his day trading addiction...this person is going to pick her up monday morning on the way to work and help her open the account...since this person is a bank manager, she is waving the checking account fees under some sort of community aid program at the bank. We gave backpacks filled with school supplies to the children. We loaded her up with the left over fruit and vegetables from the luncheon plus we gave her six bags of non-perishable groceries, two gallons of milk, two pounds of butter, two bags of cheddar cheese, two tubs of sour cream, three pounds of baby carrots, eight pounds of ground beef, ten pounds of apples, twenty pounds of potatoes, and some fresh tomatoes, cucumbers, and zucchini from church members' gardens. We also gave her some feminine hygiene products as well as enough shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, toothpaste, and mouthwash to last three months plus some first aid stuff and shavers. Oh, the dentist who gave free dental screenings, discovered a couple of cavities in the littles and arranged for her to come to the office before school starts and have them filled for free.

 

The groceries sound like a lot. But, it can't be, even properly rationed, more than 10 days worth of food, maybe 14 at the absolute outside depending on how much the selfish creep consumes on his own behalf and servings sizes.

 

So, I've decided that the constructive thing to do is not to go beat the guy with a tire iron though that would make me feel good in the short term, but to wait ten days and then take some more groceries plus some homemade items like blueberry muffins and no-bake cookies for the kidlets.

 

Dh and I aren't rich and we don't make enough to permanently keep this woman and her children afloat. But, our church will do all it can and I'm determined.

 

Our pastor is sending a professional counselor down there to talk to him along with a contingency of elders to try to convince him that real men don't treat their families like this plus an offer of providing one-on-one counseling with a professional who treats addictions and transportation to the county Gambler's Anonymous meetings, transportation to church, and some help from the farmers who attend our church and are willing to help him get his fields in order for next year if he is willing to get off his duff and farm corn for the ethanol plant. He won't get rich off it, but he will keep his family from losing the place and becoming destitute. I think this is a generous plan but doubtful that he will accept it.

 

People like this guy just drive me batty!!!!! Sigh.....

 

Faith

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MariannNOVA

MariannNOVA

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I am in awe of what your Church did today - for all those people, not just the mom you wrote to tell us about.

 

I just wanted to say that her husband definitely has a gambling problem and I was glad to see that your pastor is sending a professional counselor as his day trading addiction is just that: an addiction and must be treated as such.

 

G-d bless you and your family, this poor mom and her children, and everyone who helped and was helped by your church today.:grouphug:

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OLG

OLG

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I am impressed! Good job on keeping your cool and being SO constructive and helpful. Your church is AMAZING! That entire day should be a program at all churches of all denominations these days. You did good, girl!!!

 

Mary

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Jen+4dc

Jen+4dc

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Faith, I am touched by what you and your church were able to do for this woman and her kids.

You hardly ever hear of such selfless kindness and I just wanted to know you made me smile.

 

:) :)

:iagree:

 

:grouphug: to you and this mom. Please tell your congregation how wonderful it is to read about this kind of giving and selflessness (the day, not the idiot husband!).

 

I'll pray for this woman and her family!!

 

PS If you decide on the tire iron option, let me know, I'll be your "lookout man.";)

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smrtmama

smrtmama

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So, I've decided that the constructive thing to do is not to go beat the guy with a tire iron

 

Well, if he were beaten to death by a tire iron, they'd qualify for some additional help.

 

Sorry. It's a horrible situation and I'd want to light the guy's rear on fire.

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Sparkle

Sparkle

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That is so awesome that you and your church are providing these services and especially helping out that woman and her dc. Yeah, I'd want to kick that guy's behind too. My SIL just went through something similar (although she at least is able to work and provide for her kids) because her so-not-dear H absolutely refused to work. I have no patience for men who act this way. Anyway, GREAT JOB - it warmed my heart to hear about all the wonderful things your church provides to needy folks.

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nono

nono

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But now, why can't we hit the guy with a tire iron too? Someone 'splain.

 

Hey, I've seen more than one family man put back on the right track by a smack upside the head.

 

But back to your question...a tire iron can kill. Better to use a rolling pin. Wood gives...

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MorganClassicalPrep

MorganClassicalPrep

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That guy... wow. Just amazing. How could someone even bear to see their children go hungry? I'd do anything, ANYTHING, if my daughter was going to literally not have food for dinner that night.

 

But I just had to comment, because your church has made an amazing show of God's love today, for all of those families. It made my day reading about all that way done for the families of your community.

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kalanamak

kalanamak

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The mil is strictly prohibited from exhibiting acts of charity or mercy to anyone not of that religion. Therefore, no help from that grandma. Her dh's sibs are all sick of his problems and will not assist her.

 

 

 

And what a fine family this philosophy produced.

:grouphug:

If you do whack him, do it in a clown mask. He isn't worth going to jail over.:) Give the MIL a good scare, too.

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FaithManor

FaithManor

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Yes, I agree.....Such outstanding results??????? Sheesh....this guy's older sister is a mess as well. Apparently this is a very controlling religion with lots of mind games, brain washing etc. The eldest just went bonkers her senior year of high school. Ran off, gone for weeks at a time, they'd find her and drag her back, the rumor mill would buzz that the leadership beat her in front of the assembly for her transgressions, than she'd make some contact on the outside and run again, cycle repeating itself until she got pregnant and married the father of the child. Very sad....she never really mentally broke free. She and her husband had four sons. She would not allow her children to be taken to any church or even hear a discussion on religion or she'd just flip out, totally over the top! Eventually she began "dating" while married....her husband would come home from work and find flowers on the table from her latest boyfriend. He couldn't take it any more and threw her out. She took off again and the four boys stayed with him. She is seen from time to time and always with a new man...given her mental state, I doubt that any of them treat her well....just one cycle of abuse after another. She does have an excellent job but given the family history, does not help her brother's children. Her sons are not much better off... they all began drinking heavily, despite having a good father who did an excellent job of finishing their upbringing, and are young alcoholics.

 

The other two girls (this man's younger sisters) absolutely fled the day they got their high school diplomas. One lives a couple of hundred miles away but still in state. The other is long gone. They've married and according to their non-cult relatives, live normal lives. But, they won't help him because for their own family's health and well being; can't bring themselves to have any contact with him and their mother.

 

He was probably abused. Apparently, after high school he rejected "the call" of the eldership to lead a celibate life and renounce material things and live as a preacher for the group. This is a catastrophic "sin", leads to multiple beatings, and then excommunication. Though I am still so angry that I could shake him, as we have spent the evening making phone calls, gathering documents about the group, and finding out more family history from relatives outside the religion, I am becoming more saddened by just how desperately depressed and possibly mentally ill this man is. This religious group is mostly to blame for his parents losing so much of their farm as it has something to do with having to surrender a huge portion of your worldly assets to the preacher and elders. He does have enough land of his own to farm, if he will stop the gambling/day trading thing, to make a reasonable living....certainly not upper middle class or even middle, middle class, but they will have roof and their needs met. But, if he was that abused by the cult, suffered the loss of his dad and his step-son whom he loved so deeply, incurred more financial pain due to the cult, and is cut off from his mother and siblings because of this horrid religion, then he might not actually be capable of doing the work....not without a lot of intervention.

 

So, now I want to find the "preacher and elders" of this nasty little brain washing sect and beat them instead!!!!!!

 

Faith

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~Tara~

~Tara~

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I just wanted to join in with the others in acknowledging the graciousness of your church. That is just....awesome! It warms my heart and brings tears to my eyes to read of such an outpouring of love and compassion.

 

As for the deadbeat...I'm all for the tire iron option.

 

But seriously, saying a prayer for this family and for you and your church as you all continue to try to help these folks. :)

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ereks mom

ereks mom

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What a beautiful blessing and ministry. I know you are discouraged and outraged over the particular family situation (as you should be!) but I wanted to thank you for sharing about your church's kindness and care.

 

Ditto. :grouphug:

 

And I agree with the person who said the senior pictures were the best idea ever. I wish there had been something like that when ER was a senior. That was a particularly tough year for us financially, and he never had senior pictures made because we just couldn't afford it. EK is our "family photographer", and she took some good snapshots of him, but it would have been great if we could've gotten some professional quality pictures made. I'm really glad your church provided this opportunity for those kids.

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Sebastian (a lady)

Sebastian (a lady)

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My grandfather was a piece of work. He drank and spent his family's food money on rooster fights. Drove drunk and was in a car accident that killed one of his brothers and crippled another. The extended family was so angry at him that no one would help his wife when two of the kids got sick. Finally a sil (who had no driver's license - it was in the 40s) took the family truck and drove my grandmother and the kids to town to see a doctor. One aunt had permanent hearing loss from her illness. The other one died in my gm's arms on the way to town.

 

On his deathbed, his second wife told my mom stories of the alchoholism and beatings that he'd been subjected to by his stepfather. At 50+ she was finally able to forgive him (a little) just before he died. But the consequences of his horrible parenting and lack of responsibility (and outright violence) to his family are still being felt, even in my cousins' generation.

 

If day trading had been around, that might well have been where his money went instead of into a bottle or out and out gambling.

 

Thank you for everything that your church is doing for this family. I'm sure they are blessing you right this minute. Please don't give up on the family. The need will probably be much greater before it gets less. But your church may in fact be saving lives.

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Aggie

Aggie

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:iagree:

 

:grouphug: to you and this mom. Please tell your congregation how wonderful it is to read about this kind of giving and selflessness (the day, not the idiot husband!).

 

I'll pray for this woman and her family!!

 

PS If you decide on the tire iron option, let me know, I'll be your "lookout man.";)

 

Ditto this.

 

And I'll drive the get-away car. Do you think the words, "small, shallow grave" might cause him to consider a life change?;)

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FaithManor

FaithManor

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Wow, I didn't realize that WIC has always cut off at five. That's very interesting about the school lunch thing because with all of the budget cuts around here, the full day kindergartens are going to become a thing of the past. Half-Day K doesn't serve lunch, not even snacks. So the five year olds booted out of the program aren't getting anything through the school.

 

Oh, and on a side note, this is the first time I've ever heard of Head Start sending school supply lists home with parents and the child cannot attend if they do not bring all of the items. I thought Head Start was for low income families and that everything was provided. I've known several families with children in Head Start and none of them have, previous to this, had to provide school supplies. Maybe this is just a problem in our area or maybe Head Start differs from community to community. We had a lady get very angry and verbally abusive yesterday because we weren't supplying pre-schoolers. But, the church had made the decision to only do k-12 due to our budget and the fact that in previous years parents would bring one and two year olds and demand school supplies for preschool. Of course these youngsters were not old enough for a formal preschool program but many went to a daycare in the area that also offered preschool and the owner would give the parents letters saying that these toddlers were enrolled in the program. So, when we advertised the event, clearly stated school supplies for K-12. It's very interesting to stand there and get yelled at over something like that. I went to my happy place (practicing a Rachmaninoff concerto in my head) while she hollered and then said, "I'm so sorry, please have a wonderful day. NEXT!" when she was done.

 

Thanks for all of the support everyone. Jean, I will let pastor know that the man may feel attacked by a visit because of the abuse from the cult. He was not planning on going alone and was taking a psychologist with him. The elders are planning a later visit after they see how the first one goes. This is going to be tricky if he is mentally ill and especially because community mental health was almost completely eliminated last year due to lack of funding. Yep, that's right......no mental health counseling, prescriptions, day programs, group counseling, etc. That means that our church is going to have to find a way to pay for it all. We'll make it happen if he is willing to try because you can't put a price on human lives but it sure would be a lot easier if there were some C.M.H. resources available.

 

I sure appreciate everyone's kind words. I really needed to vent because situations like this make my head want to explode!

 

Faith

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Cinder

Cinder

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the tire iron is a bit much for me, but how about the stocks?

 

This made me chuckle--stocks for stocks. At least it would keep him away from the computer!

 

To the OP: Faith, thank you for sharing about your church's outreach. It brought tears to my eyes to read about such an outpouring of love.

 

 

Cinder

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brijen97

brijen97

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What an amazingly wonderful act of charity and kindness your church did today and will continue to do for this family. Try your best to stick to the positive parts....at least the mom came to you and the children felt comfortable enough to confide in you. Hopefully together you can all help the situation.

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amydavis

amydavis

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Thank you for sharing about your church. It is amazing what your church accomplished that day, and even more amazing is the follow-up that the church provides. It is truly inspirational! Please keep us posted of developments with the family. I hope that the husband is willing to not only receive help, but help himself also.

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celticmom

celticmom

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Maybe if something were to happen to his internet connection. His wife could (accidentally of course) lose the bill. Seriously though that connection and computer might have to go because for him it might be as bad as a bottle of Jack Daniels in the house would be for an alcoholic.

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Teachin'Mine

Teachin'Mine

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Praying that he will respond positively to the intervention. It helps to have several people talk about how they personally have been affected by his addiction. I know it's probably hard for his children to talk about, but it may help him to come face to face with where his addiction has led him and how far down he's gone. As men generally listen more to other men, it might also be helpful for your son, or other past friends, to share why they no longer associate with him. He needs to feel that he's hit bottom and wants to change. If a couple of men from the Gamblers Anonymous could be at the intervention as well, that would be great too. Maybe it could even be scheduled to happen a couple of hours before a meeting, and they could bring him to the meeting right afterward. It helps to strike while the iron's hot rather than giving him time to have the addition start talking him into ignoring what was said.

 

Please let us know how this goes. You're doing a great job helping out the mom and her little ones! :)

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