Nothing I say is ever the right thing....

[fairfarmhand]

if I say, It will be ok... I'm making light of her problems

if I say, I understand...I mocking her and "NOONE KNOWS HOW I FEEL BUT ME!"

if I say nothing....I'm cold and uncaring.

 

 

(life with a 12 year old girl)

[Carol in Cal.]

Yes, and the universal answer, "HOW DID YOU MEAN THAT???"

 

(I suggest going with, "How about a hug?")

[flobee76]

:grouphug:

 

I am sure that I am going to face this in the future w/ my Carbon-Copy-of-Me daughter.

 

How about you say, "How can I encourage/help you, love?"

[fairfarmhand]

if I say, It will be ok... I'm making light of her problems

if I say, I understand...I mocking her and "NOONE KNOWS HOW I FEEL BUT ME!"

if I say nothing....I'm cold and uncaring.

 

 

(life with a 12 year old girl)

 

 

Kinda reads like poetry now that I look at it...

[Mimm]

How about,

 

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"That sounds very difficult/frustrating/painful."

 

And my fallback line... "Hey look! Grass!"

 

(Disclaimer: none of these is guaranteed to work. Especially the grass thing.)

[OrganicAnn]

There is a book that is called "how to talk so kids will listen" (I think that is the right title). I really helps with talking to kids.

[Harry Nelson in Charlotte]

is just dealing with - ahem - a girl. (Got 6 of them - plus a wife)

 

My suggestion.

1) Truly try to understand.

2) Let your own behavior speak for itself, and remind her of it - in a loving way, but definitely be confident in that.

 

"I'm sorry you're hurting. I love you and care for you, and you know that I love you and care for you. A lot of times talking helps you just process whatever's going on. I'm here if and when you want to talk about it, but you're big, and I'll let you determine when that is.

 

I've always warned that if I ask "how you're doing?" then that's just me being a concerned parent and I do it because I care.

 

Forces her to own it a little, and be an adult about it. At least as far as her interaction with you goes.

 

 

DON'T do #3

 

This is my opinion - not a fact.

[hornblower]

Gosh, I'm sorry nothing I say is helpful. I guess you're frustrated that I don't understand you. Let me know if you just want me to listen.

 

I wish I could say that I was on the ball to say this as often as it should have been said.

 

but honestly I'm more likely to say

 

Oh quit the dramatics! You want drama? I can out-drama you any day!

[rookie]

Gosh, I'm sorry nothing I say is helpful. I guess you're frustrated that I don't understand you. Let me know if you just want me to listen.

 

I wish I could say that I was on the ball to say this as often as it should have been said.

 

but honestly I'm more likely to say

 

Oh quit the dramatics! You want drama? I can out-drama you any day!

 

:lol:

 

and :grouphug: to OP - I feel your pain every day with my very own drama-dd

[fairfarmhand]

is just dealing with - ahem - a girl. (Got 6 of them - plus a wife)

 

My suggestion.

1) Truly try to understand.

2) Let your own behavior speak for itself, and remind her of it - in a loving way, but definitely be confident in that.

 

"I'm sorry you're hurting. I love you and care for you, and you know that I love you and care for you. A lot of times talking helps you just process whatever's going on. I'm here if and when you want to talk about it, but you're big, and I'll let you determine when that is.

 

I've always warned that if I ask "how you're doing?" then that's just me being a concerned parent and I do it because I care.

 

Forces her to own it a little, and be an adult about it. At least as far as her interaction with you goes.

 

 

DON'T do #3

 

This is my opinion - not a fact.

 

what I really want to do is roll my eyes throw my hands up in the air and say "GET OVER YOURSELF"

 

and what is this....

 

ALL OF MY GIRLS ACCUSE ME OF FAVORING THEIR SISTERS!

 

I can't win!

[KidsHappen]

Oh my goodness, I can so relate. My dd had a bad game today. So I was letting her vent and dump with appropriate uh-huhs and yeahs and such. Once she was done and we were just sitteing quietly for awhile I was looking at her and noticed that her hair looked particularly good today so I commented on her and her reply was, "Really mom, is that the best that you can do?" Since I wasn't trying to do anything, yeah I guess so. I guess that she thought I was trying to make her feel better about the game. I wasn't. I agreed it was a bad day and had already told to just chalk it up to having a bad day and not let it get her down. To just buckle down and try harder next time. I am thinking about having her make cue cards so I can say just the right thing at just the right time.

[springmama]

I feel your pain.

[RoughCollie]

I am thinking about having her make cue cards so I can say just the right thing at just the right time.

 

But then it won't count because she made the cue cards!

[Danestress]

is just to repeat the last words my kid says.

 

Kid: "I hate school. It's so boring."

 

Me: "School is boring?" (in my most neutral tone)

 

Kid: "Yeah, and my teacher is such a jerk."

 

Me: "Your teacher is a jerk?"

 

Kid: "Some days I want to run away."

 

Me: "You feel like running away."

 

It's so tedious, and I am always waiting for someone to say, "Why do you repeat what I say?" But it seems to work to make them feel listened to without feeling like we are trying to grab up their problems and make them our own. Kids this age know that their problems are complex and when Mom has an easy answer, it's annoying.