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How do I help, young adult heart break! CC


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I'm looking for stories, advice, and thoughts, on healing after getting your heart broken by someone in your church. I have a young lady who is really hurting right now. She was supposed to get married a couple weeks ago, but the young man called off the engagement for the 2nd time! Then they got back together for a day, then he ended it again! She is heart broken and embarressed. I feel for her.

 

Now, when they go to the same group events, he is able to act like everything is just fine, which only adds to her misery. She wants to pull away and avoid him at all costs...and I don't really blame her!!! On the other hand I see that in their relationship she gave him all the control (whether they were together, broken up, all sorts of other things) and I want to encourage her to take back control of her life! It seems like she is still letting him control her, but now its by default. "If he's a part of this group I'm going somewhere else!" type thinking.

 

I will support her and encourage her to do what she thinks is in her best interest, I'm just not sure that cedeing more territory to him is the answer.

 

What sayeth the Hive? Especially, you moms with young adult girls!!! :)

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Well, to me it'd be in-your-face-man and I'd want to attend every single thing and sign up for every single thing and just be out and about and oh, so happy in public. Let him know that she has indeed moved on and life is goood.

 

I do feel for her, though, but she needs to keep her chin way up.

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Too bad it's not a novel then she could walk in and give him a nice slap. Poor girl. Yes I do agree with you that she needs to learn to take some control of her own life. She needs to learn how to have a better relationship next time. I think I would change churches. How large is your church? Just a few thoughts as I run out the door.

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I'm confused. Is it your daughter, or a young friend at your church?

 

Actually, Dh and I are the young adult pastors. I feel that I could have a conflict of interest in blanketly adviseing her to not, ditch her friends just to avoid him. That's why I have come to the Hive for a more unbiased opinion :)

 

Although, I don't want her to go to a different church...I do want her to do what is in her best interest long term :) and I will support her in that!

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Guest janainaz

Sounds like a saving grace that he called it off. He sounds very immature, and if I were her, I would change churches. I would need to remove myself from the situation to heal, and seeing his face everywhere would prevent that from happening. The situation does not call for revenge - if that is what she is seeking, she really is not mature enough to be getting married to begin with. It's not about showing him she's moved on and is fine. I really don't get that. There is nothing wrong with showing your hurt and just being real about it. After all, they were on the road to get MARRIED. It's not a game.

 

The whole situation sounds immature and they sound like kids. How old are they?

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Sounds like a saving grace that he called it off. He sounds very immature, and if I were her, I would change churches. I would need to remove myself from the situation to heal, and seeing his face everywhere would prevent that from happening. The situation does not call for revenge - if that is what she is seeking, she really is not mature enough to be getting married to begin with. It's not about showing him she's moved on and is fine. I really don't get that. There is nothing wrong with showing your hurt and just being real about it. After all, they were on the road to get MARRIED. It's not a game.

 

The whole situation sounds immature and they sound like kids. How old are they?

 

She's not trying to be revengeful in anyway...yet. She's just wants to run away....which I understand :) she's around 22 and he's more like 27ish. This has been a very immature relationship from the get go! One dh and I knew wasn't going to end well, but they knew better :) I just see her giveing away more and more of her life over to his control, and I'm not wired that way!

 

But, I know that not everyone is wired the same way I am...hence wanting other advice. What is sad is she has a lot of friends here, pulling for her and loveing her...but she is ASHAMED, she was warned by others and did not listen. No one is holding that over her head, it's just how she feels...and she wants to escape to somewhere where no one knows her history. I get that...really I do, but I'm also sad for the friends she is seperateing herself from.

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Guest janainaz

My goodness, he's 27ish?

 

I think all you can do is be supportive of her. I've learned that I have zero control over what people do, and you can give advice, but more often than not, it's not taken. At 22, she'll have to go down her own road and learn her own lessons. The best way to mature is to fall down hard sometimes.

 

If I were you, I would tell her what *I* would do and let it go. I can't imagine even being able to be around the guy without my heart really hurting. Maybe I would not leave forever, but I'd definitely take a time out. I think hanging around and trying to show him I've moved on is just playing a game. As for her allowing him to control her, it just sounds like she needs more time to be single and to mature.

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If she changes churches, she'll probably just do the same thing. No one with enough knowledge to help her avoid it again.

 

This really has more to do with her neediness. It could very well become a pattern with men. You're in a good position to help her make better decisions in the future. Frankly, a little shame at ignoring others' wise advice is good for a girl her age. But someone her age needs to suck it up at some point and take it as a life lesson learned the hard way. Running away is what little girls do.

 

It's OK for her to have some time to grieve the end of the relationship, as long as it isn't prolonged. Maybe when she has some perspective, she'll be close to her friends again.

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:grouphug:

 

i'd go for a multi-pronged approach.

 

a) prayer, including prayers of thanksgiving that he figured it out BEFORE they were married

 

b) myers briggs personality inventory, to give her language to use when coming to know herself. (for example, female enfp's at this age often present as being door mats, but really aren't...)

 

c) firo B testing (your denomination should have someone who can do this. among other things, it measures the need to be controlled)

 

d) finding a place in the church where her gifts can be used and developed and where he is not. (thinking that if the church can afford 2 youth/young adult pastors, its large enough for constructive avoidance)

 

e) scott peck's "the road less travelled" can make a great book study, and she could be part of the group.

 

f) weekly tea/coffee with one of you so that you can just "chat" and monitor how she's doing, and ask some soul searching questions.

 

g) she may find it helpful to realize that the glass needs to be empty before God can fill it with someone wonderful. and that if she is too busy being sad about what used to be there, hanging on to something old, then it is very hard for her to recognize when God is trying to give her something new. it is perhaps a time of abiding.....

 

and who is working with him? because just a few weeks after ending a relationship, everything ought not to be just fine with him.... whether or not it was the right call.

 

:grouphug:

ann (who did youth and young adult ministry in the 1990's for, oh, a reallllly long time ; )

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I don't think it's necessarily running away. *I* would have needed some space from him to get over him. I would let her do what she needs to do, but pursue friendship and give support outside of the group. Encourage her girlfriends from the group to do the same and invite her out for non-group-specific activities. Leaving the church or group doesn't have to mean the end of friendship and support.

 

If she is flat-out pulling away from all friends, I might be a little concerned about depression.

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:grouphug:

 

i'd go for a multi-pronged approach.

 

a) prayer, including prayers of thanksgiving that he figured it out BEFORE they were married

 

b) myers briggs personality inventory, to give her language to use when coming to know herself. (for example, female enfp's at this age often present as being door mats, but really aren't...)

 

c) firo B testing (your denomination should have someone who can do this. among other things, it measures the need to be controlled)

 

d) finding a place in the church where her gifts can be used and developed and where he is not. (thinking that if the church can afford 2 youth/young adult pastors, its large enough for constructive avoidance)

 

e) scott peck's "the road less travelled" can make a great book study, and she could be part of the group.

 

f) weekly tea/coffee with one of you so that you can just "chat" and monitor how she's doing, and ask some soul searching questions.

 

g) she may find it helpful to realize that the glass needs to be empty before God can fill it with someone wonderful. and that if she is too busy being sad about what used to be there, hanging on to something old, then it is very hard for her to recognize when God is trying to give her something new. it is perhaps a time of abiding.....

 

and who is working with him? because just a few weeks after ending a relationship, everything ought not to be just fine with him.... whether or not it was the right call.

 

:grouphug:

ann (who did youth and young adult ministry in the 1990's for, oh, a reallllly long time ; )

 

Thanks! Great ideas! Don't worry he is seeking counseling from another staff pastor, but is spending an awful lot of time at my house :glare:. Which normaly, I love...but it's part of why she feels the need to get away. (Background we have another young adult male who lives in our basement, and her ex is trying to rebuild friendships within this group)

 

I do get together regularly with her...when she lets me, but it's been off and on depending on where their relatioship has been at :)

 

We love them both, with all their quirks! But she might just need some space for awhile.

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I'd tell her to take a few weeks or a month "off" from church....or at least off from times that she has to seem him in close proximity. Use that time to pray hard, reflect, try to move past it. Then when she comes back, she should hold her head high, participate in everything and everything that she normall does, basically show him that he's not going to steal her joy. Address him with a confident "hello, so-and-so", then happily join up with her friends in the group. The first few times she does it, she may have to put on a brave face and then cry afterwards (and pray), but it will get easier. He sounds very immature.

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I think it's normal for her to want to exit the group if he will be there. Thinking of married couples who split, rarely do both stay in the same church for similar reasons.

 

One thing that you might try is offering to help mediate who might attend what for a while. For instance, she could attend the young adults group on the first and third weeks of the month, and he on the second and fourth weeks. That can be a good "bridge" solution while things sort themselves out.

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I know she's hurting right now but if she's up for reading, This Momentary Marriage by Piper might be very helpful. It starts off, from the male's perspective, addressing the very issues you were talking about.

 

When I first starting reading it, I thought it was odd because me being run over by my dh has never been an issue. We're pretty equal. But as I continued to read, I see that there are women who will need to start there before they can even enter into addressing other marriage issues.

 

I haven't gotten through the whole book so I can't give you more than that. But maybe as she's a bit more removed from how raw she is right now, she would be open to having another male reflect back how giving over all control to another person affects a man.

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I would suggest that she doesn't change churches (so she may see him during services), but that she doesn't participate in any social activity with the church group for a while. She should meet some new people. Join an exercise class. Take an non credit for fun college class. Whatever she can do to get out and about with new people who don't know her story. Spurge on something. A dream vacation or even as simple as a new haircut and clothes. Then add back friends from church but maybe still outside of church activities. Go to lunch with a few friends. After a month or two, have a friend set her up on a casual date. Just to so she can say to herself (if not others), hey I've moved on. She will need time to heal, but she needs to be moving forward and not reliving the past (all the what ifs of yesterday). Healing is easier when the other person isn't around all the time, but you don't want to never see him again. Anyway that would be my suggestions.

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Well, to me it'd be in-your-face-man and I'd want to attend every single thing and sign up for every single thing and just be out and about and oh, so happy in public. Let him know that she has indeed moved on and life is goood.

 

I do feel for her, though, but she needs to keep her chin way up.

 

:iagree: I tell them, "Living well is the Best Revenge."

 

Barb

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:iagree: I tell them, "Living well is the Best Revenge."

 

Barb

 

I do think making some changes are in order but from the description of the OP, it sounds like she has some core beliefs that need to be addressed or she will keep walking down the same street the rest of her life. She can "do" all these things but they are just band-aids and behavioral, not systemic.

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"Living well is the Best Revenge."

 

 

I would not push her to be in his presence until she is "over it". Being miserable and crying in the ladies room is not "living well". I don't want to see my ex, and it has been 10 years, and that age, I would think it even harder to control one's emotions.

 

I would advise her to be careful about who she talks to. I've have friends who were met with someone supposedly sympathetic, who "pumped" them for details and let them vent, and then spread what they said everywhere. Ghastly.

 

As for the break-up, she should COUNT her lucky STARS this was stopped before the wedding, and not after 5 years and 2 children.

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I would not push her to be in his presence until she is "over it". Being miserable and crying in the ladies room is not "living well". I don't want to see my ex, and it has been 10 years, and that age, I would think it even harder to control one's emotions.

 

No, I don't think anyone should be pushed but I would encourage her to hold her head high as soon as possible. Grieve privately, smile publicly. Push back against the embarrassment and take back what he took from her. Okay, that may not be her style, but I went through something similar with the dad of my first daughter and this was the only thing that kept me sane and whole as my world fell apart.

 

Barb

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She actually sounds like a very needy low self esteemed young lady. Your friendship may be a big plus for her. I would also definitely recommend she get professional counseling. She has allowed this young man to take control over her life and this in itself is very scary. She needs to address this issue now before she finds herself in another relationship. If she does not search herself it will be more likely that she will repeat this behavior even to her detriment. This is the sub personality of a woman who eventually becomes an abused woman. She needs lots of support. I would try to get her involved in other aspects of the church but asking her to put her chin up and march in and show him whose boss sounds like something she will not be able to do without counseling. I will pray for you and her.

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