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Shyness


sixtimemomma
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My 3rd child is or was pretty shy. Somethings we did was: at Wendy's if he wanted a refill we would have him go with his sister to get the refill. Eventually we had him go by himself. Now he will go back and order another .99 chicken sandwich all on his own.

 

At the store we have him pay for his stuff. If he wants something he needs to ask the store Clark. Check out his own books at the library. Things like that. Just stretching him a little as my hubby calls it (he does the same with his shy wife;)).

 

We don't mention this or say he is shy in front of him.

 

Pray. Pray together if it bothers him. Let him know that Jesus is with him and you are too.

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I don't know about a curriculum, but I agree with the "gentle pushing." As a former shy child, who was in the category of "painfully shy" and is still a bit shy sometimes, please do not label him "shy." I was, and I accepted the label. It became me. It was hard to break out of that. People say of my dd4, when they speak to her and she just smiles or doesn't break into conversation--not unusual for a 4 yo with a stranger, I don't think--and I am quick to redirect with, she just doesn't know you, she's not shy, or something like that. I would also NOT make him do recitals or things like that he's very uncomfortable with. I was forced to, and it turned me off from all things recital-oriented. As an adult, I have become quite extroverted and I don't think anyone considers me shy now.

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My kids have "grown out" of this for the most part. My older two were obviously & painfully shy. They are still reticent to talk to those they do not know - even with me there. They eventually warm up to most people/kids given time. Now people who knew them when they were younger marvel that they are as independent as they are.

 

I let mine be "shy" as long as they wanted. Some kids might need the gentle pushing to get beyond their shyness. Mine did it with age. Good luck.

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Guest momk2000

I was also painfully shy as a child. The worst thing anyone could do (and I know now they always meant well) was to bring attention to my shyness. I would just crawl deeper into my shell. I got to the point where I though something was so "wrong" with me. I realize now this is the way God made me, it's my own unique personality.

My 5yo dd is also very shy. We try not to make a big deal of it, but we do gently encourage her to participate in activities that she is comfortable with. She will not go into Sunday School without Mom or Dad, has no interest in signing up for any swimming, art, etc... At this age we do not push her, as she get's a little older we will encourage her more. Thankfully, she socializes well with the neighborhood kids, so she does get some socialization.

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I had a child who people thought would be attatched to my hip going to college. He really seemed very shy.

 

But as I studied him, what I realized was he sized people up even as a young child. Did a good job of it for the most part. When he was younger he was pretty particular about who he liked and who he would spend time with. He was good about playing alone and being comfortable with it. But we still did things, Bible study, church etc. There were times I wondered if he would ever settle down.

 

He did though, a couple of things happened, and I do think it was very much a God thing, but the time he was 3.5- 5 were really a growing time for him. He had several things that changed in his life some really minor -being moved from one class to another, but from those little changes he was able to handle bigger changes. During that time we were raising support for missions work and he literally was meeting new people all the time, including once when I walked into the house introduced him to the babysitter said look at the cat and walked out on him, I didn't even know the babysitter. He did great.

 

I say give them opportunities to do things in a comfortable setting, don't shove, and don't say shy.

 

I started using the sizing people up with him.

I'd say he sizes people up and decides if they are worthy of his time.

 

Today he is a secure 15 yo who has friends in many areas/states because of his competative swimming. He is seen as a leader. Many kids really look up to him. AND he still sizes people up. He isn't one to make the first move in new situations. He isn't the one to plan the activities, but is the life of the party in some ways. Still has a very quiet conteplative side to himself

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My daughter went through a period where she was very shy when she was around 4 or 5. I would often find myself explaining to others that she was shy when she wouldn't reply to them. I remember my own mother doing that with me and it really became a part of my identity.

 

One day, we were at the doctor's office and I encouraged her to make sure to say hello to him when he entered the room and to try to answer his questions. She said, "But I'm shy!".

 

At that moment, I realized I had been reinforcing this by explaining her behavior as shyness. I quickly responded with, "No, you are not shy. You are a very friendly girl." She got quite a look of surprise on her face and she did say hello to the doctor. I continued to refer to her as friendly rather than shy and she really changed very quickly.

 

She's almost 9 now and not shy at all but very confident. She may have outgrown it anyway, but I think realizing that I had been helping her form an identity of being shy really helped speed things along in the right direction.

 

Lisa

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My 3rd child is or was pretty shy. Somethings we did was: at Wendy's if he wanted a refill we would have him go with his sister to get the refill. Eventually we had him go by himself. Now he will go back and order another .99 chicken sandwich all on his own.

 

At the store we have him pay for his stuff. If he wants something he needs to ask the store Clark. Check out his own books at the library. Things like that. Just stretching him a little as my hubby calls it (he does the same with his shy wife;)).

 

We don't mention this or say he is shy in front of him.

 

Pray. Pray together if it bothers him. Let him know that Jesus is with him and you are too.

 

:iagree:This is what I did with my shy child. Shy is a genetic personality trait, not a "weakness" in character or such. My advice is to treat it gently.

 

My shy child is just like his shy dad. With practice (such as the above "getting your own refill" or calling a grandparent on the phone rather than mom calling them to ask a question), he has become much more comfortable in his own skin and has learned that when he takes a small step out to do some of these things, nothing bad happens. :001_smile:

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Thank you everyone for your responses.

 

I think the reason it bothers me is for two reasons:

 

#1 I always felt a need to explain to any and everyone why he would not respond when they spoke to him.....he likes to hide behind me or hold his head down.

 

I read in a parenting book that people who look down and avoid eye contact have low self esteem. I guess I was worried that I needed to help him.

 

#2 He is even shy when speaking to us. Let me explain, he will talk to us no problem about whatever...whenever. The problem is if you ask him a direct question that requires more than a 3 word answer he will avoid eye contact and look down as he speaks and talk like a baby to explain.

 

I guess I better just leave him alone after all he is JUST FIVE! To much pressure on the little tyke. Thanks everyone for bringing to my attention that I should not bring the shyness to everyones attention!

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Hobbes was not shy but would not make eye contact. I would just very gently take hold of his shoulders as he spoke to me. Something about that movement caused him to look up. Over time, his eye contact improved, although it's not perfect. If he turned his back on me (which he would do whilst thinking and speaking) I would wave to get him to turn back.

 

Best wishes

 

Laura

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My twins (now 8) were painfully shy. They would hide behind me if someone even looks at them, let alone talk to them. Based on that they even qualified to go a special pre-school.

At the pre-school, it took a year for one(out of 4) teacher to allow them to give her a hug. It was a mojor milestone. But when they turned 5, they slowly started coming out of the shell & liked the attention they got as twins.

Now they are a little shy BUT they can go about their daily routine without me being around them all the time.

We ask them to wish people, take phone calls if they recognize the phone no.,.

At places like play areas/park, we encourage them to go talk to kids. Sometimes I go over & ask the kids if they could play with mine.

If it is not crowded, I allow them to do a credit card transcation (off course I sign) in the mall or pay cash.

I ask them to find out where the restrooms/fitting rooms are or find out where I can find a certain item.

I am usually around them, but they have to do all the talking.

One thing that certainly helped was, the neighbours would try to include them in a conversation while talking to me.

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:iagree:This is what I did with my shy child. Shy is a genetic personality trait, not a "weakness" in character or such. My advice is to treat it gently.

 

 

agreeing - I've always been labelled as 'shy' when really, just an introvert. It was really freeing as an adult to realize I'm not 'flawed' but rather that I process things (meeting new people) internally first, which is quite different from the way extroverts do, but not wrong.

 

http://www.personalitypage.com/html/info.htm

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My daughter went through a period where she was very shy when she was around 4 or 5. I would often find myself explaining to others that she was shy when she wouldn't reply to them. I remember my own mother doing that with me and it really became a part of my identity.

 

One day, we were at the doctor's office and I encouraged her to make sure to say hello to him when he entered the room and to try to answer his questions. She said, "But I'm shy!".

 

At that moment, I realized I had been reinforcing this by explaining her behavior as shyness. I quickly responded with, "No, you are not shy. You are a very friendly girl." She got quite a look of surprise on her face and she did say hello to the doctor. I continued to refer to her as friendly rather than shy and she really changed very quickly.

 

She's almost 9 now and not shy at all but very confident. She may have outgrown it anyway, but I think realizing that I had been helping her form an identity of being shy really helped speed things along in the right direction.

 

Lisa

 

I have been calling DS8 shy and I'm so sorry about it now. I'm going to more encouraging and less critical of my FRIENDLY child. :)

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