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The busier I get, the more I feel like I need to set up boundaries with my kids


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I interact a lot with my kids - during all meals, school times, car rides, walks, sports, household chores. . . But the busier I am trying to fit meals, chores, sports, etc. around school, the more I feel like I have to stake my claim to kid-free times. Some of these times are for me - time to exercise and to have Bible study, for instance. Some are actually for them (or at least the family) - time to do the family accounting, to do lesson planning etc. Every time I'm interrupted I have to pull my brain away from what I was doing, focus on the new person wanting my attention, all to find that 99% of the time I was interrupted for some inane reason. The kids are 8 and 13 - that's old enough to understand that they don't need access to me 24/7, right?

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I do the majority of my focused work during Quiet Time or when I am the only awake person in the house. BUT I get a lot of that time. From pm to 7am pretty much I can do what ever I need to (this is where I am supposed to sleep, too), as I am the only one who SHOULD be awake, the majority of the days each week. Plus, one hour daily (most days) for Quiet Time.

 

However, I agree with you that since your kids are 8 & 13 that you should be able to say "blah blah blah until 8am" or "blah blah blah between 12-2pm". Feel free to TELL THEM what they should be doing during this time. This could include chores, reading, exercise, music practice, independent work, or playing.

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IThe kids are 8 and 13 - that's old enough to understand that they don't need access to me 24/7, right?

 

Yes! I used to tell mine not to interrupt me unless there was blood or smoke...

 

I think it helps to set an amount of time you need - probably start out with a short time and work up if they're not used to it. Setting a timer for them at first may be helpful.

 

Anne

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I interact a lot with my kids - during all meals, school times, car rides, walks, sports, household chores. . . But the busier I am trying to fit meals, chores, sports, etc. around school, the more I feel like I have to stake my claim to kid-free times. Some of these times are for me - time to exercise and to have Bible study, for instance. Some are actually for them (or at least the family) - time to do the family accounting, to do lesson planning etc. Every time I'm interrupted I have to pull my brain away from what I was doing, focus on the new person wanting my attention, all to find that 99% of the time I was interrupted for some inane reason. The kids are 8 and 13 - that's old enough to understand that they don't need access to me 24/7, right?

 

Oh my goodness, I have had this rule for a while but every once in a while they try to see if I forgot. My biggest complaint is when I am on the computer and trying to read something or type and someone comes and hovers over me...waiting...like a vulture. I try really hard to ignore it but finally I turn and say "WHAT?" Then they look all hurt and say nevermind.:confused: Oh, no no no. If it was so important that you stood there that long when you know you aren't supposed to bother me during this time you had better spill it! So, yeah I need to sit everyone down and go over the rules again since it's been awhile.

 

Rant over...yes, your 8 and 13 year old are far above the age I think kids can learn that you need to have time to do things uninterrupted. My 4 year old and 7 year old respect my time. It's the 11 and 12 year olds that test it. Normally, I have 30 minutes after lunch, an hour after school, and then at 8:30 pm that I am off duty. I also have times during the weekend that I will tell them all that I am taking some time to do xyz and that if they need something to go to an older sibling or to their dad.

 

Tell them ahead of time what the rules are and then set a timer if you need to. It does really frustrate my little ones when they wait patiently for a whole hour to tell me something and then I drag my hour out to an hour and a half. So I try really hard to stay within my time frame. Be consistent and don't give in if they pester. You may have to tell them for awhile that this is your private time and you would love to hear what they have to say when your time is over. Maybe a once a month review of the rules for a while.

 

I have even started training my dc to be aware of what someone else is doing before they interrupt or blurt something out. Periodically during the day I might step over to my computer to look up something or I may be making a note about something I don't want to forget. In the past they would just start talking and it would be very hard for me to either listen to them and then re-direct my thoughts back to what I was doing, or finish what I was doing while trying to get the gist of what they were saying. Now if they see me typing, reading or writing they have to say, "Mom, when you are finished with what you are doing can I tell you something\ask you something?" I don't put them off if it is school related but if they just need to tell me that they found lint in their belly button then yeah, it can wait. I've noticed that now even (not always) if I am cooking they will say, "Can I tell you\ask you something right now?" I don't require this but I think they actually like it because they know it is the best way for them to get my undivided attention.

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Guest janainaz

Yes.

 

I got up at 6:15 to read my book, drink my coffee, and sit in quiet. My kids decided to wake up at 6:17 and I made them go back to bed. I love them dearly, but I need 'my' time to do bills, to sit and stare at the wall, and to have an adult conversation with dh once in a while. They need to learn to respect space and boundaries and this is for THEM also. They also need to know it's ok to seek time alone and to not feel guilty for taking it/needing it.

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My biggest complaint is when I am on the computer and trying to read something or type and someone comes and hovers over me...waiting...like a vulture. I try really hard to ignore it but finally I turn and say "WHAT?" Then they look all hurt and say nevermind.:confused: Oh, no no no. If it was so important that you stood there that long when you know you aren't supposed to bother me during this time you had better spill it!

 

Yes! And then when ds13 finally tells me what he came over to say, it is something intensely stupid like "I like cheese." :smash:

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Yes! And then when ds13 finally tells me what he came over to say, it is something intensely stupid like "I like cheese." :smash:

 

Clearly they have been conspiring with my children. :glare: I also think they say to one another, "Hey, do you want to see this neat trick? I can make Mom's hair burst into flames and her eyes shoot laser beams. No, really. See, she's trying to pay bills online and balance her checkbook. Watch while I call her name over and over in my most whiny voice and then tell her there isn't a towel in the hall bathroom." :banghead:

 

Diane W.

married for 22 years

homeschooling 3 kiddos for 16 years

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My biggest complaint is when I am on the computer and trying to read something or type and someone comes and hovers over me...waiting...like a vulture. I try really hard to ignore it but finally I turn and say "WHAT?" Then they look all hurt and say nevermind.:confused: Oh, no no no. If it was so important that you stood there that long when you know you aren't supposed to bother me during this time you had better spill it!

 

 

:lol:

Do you live in my house!?!

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The kids are 8 and 13 - that's old enough to understand that they don't need access to me 24/7, right?

 

YES!

 

I have the same issues.

 

I always feel like I'm being an ogre telling them to leave me alone, but I NEED to be able to think a complete thought. More than once a day.

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Clearly they have been conspiring with my children. :glare: I also think they say to one another, "Hey, do you want to see this neat trick? I can make Mom's hair burst into flames and her eyes shoot laser beams. No, really. See, she's trying to pay bills online and balance her checkbook. Watch while I call her name over and over in my most whiny voice and then tell her there isn't a towel in the hall bathroom." :banghead:

 

 

 

:smilielol5:

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My biggest complaint is when I am on the computer and trying to read something or type and someone comes and hovers over me...waiting...like a vulture. I try really hard to ignore it but finally I turn and say "WHAT?" Then they look all hurt and say nevermind.:confused:

 

 

 

When I read that post I burst out laughing.

 

I think we are all actually living the EXACT SAME LIFE. Honestly--either that or you all have cameras in my house.

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I think for many people, they are so not available to their kids, that their kids are permanently needy, or wanting attention from their parents. And I am guilty of not being emotionally available to my kids even when I am physically available, at times, and my son is particularly good at picking that up and demanding my attention in a more complete way, either positively or negatively! When he wants my attention and I am getting irritated because he is telling me boring things while I am trying to do something else...I stop, give him my 100% attention until he is satisfied, then ask for some time to finish what I am doing. By then he is happy to give me my time.

I do take plenty of time for myself...but I am also available to them a lot- but when "being available" is not quite being 100% present for them- always being a bit busy even though I am around....I often find I need to stop, focus on them for a while, before i can get them to leave me alone.

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About the time of my divorce, I started realizing my *need* for breathing space. That need hasn't abated and most of my living and work settings are so people intense that I need s p a c e intensely.

 

I tell my kids:

 

"Your choices are to respectfully give me space and I will be a happier mom later or interupt my space and I will still be grumpy. So will you because you'll be without privileges". I've said it so often they complete the sentences for me like trained parrots. :lol:

 

Another common one here is "I am not sharing my sucking air space right now. Please seek other entertainment."

 

"Mom is not in the mood to play well with others."

 

Children, like any humans, need to know that they are important, primary, wonderful but NOT the center of the universe; even Mom's.

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LOL, I stay up super late in order to get my time for planning, etc.

 

Of course, my 13 yo is DETERMINED to go to a volunteer thingy tomorrow morning and MUST complete her homework from this last week first (she was really negligent!). . .

 

. . .and so, here it is 2:06 AM and I am having my ME time. . . and she's on the couch next to me interrupting me constantly for help doing her homework. . . So, there went my ME time. :)

 

Life's messy, ain't it!???

 

I'm ready to give up on ME time and go to bed, but dd13 needs my help, so here I am.

 

So, no good advice from my corner, that's for sure!

 

(Other than, of course you can say, "No". . . But you already know that!)

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This whole thread is making me feel less guilty for saying 'no' and I discovered tonight that the kids can sense guilt. Now that I'm not feeling guilty, they are listening to my calm "I'm busy right now. I'll talk to you in a little bit" much better. (Though I do have to confess that I forgot my dd8 who was waiting for me in a tree- she finally came in rather miffed. Oops!)

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After 9pm every night is my time. The kids can be in the same room, watch a show with me or just hang out.....but they may not ask me questions or want anything from me. After 9, I am just done being instantly available.

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This whole thread is making me feel less guilty for saying 'no' and I discovered tonight that the kids can sense guilt. Now that I'm not feeling guilty, they are listening to my calm "I'm busy right now. I'll talk to you in a little bit" much better. (Though I do have to confess that I forgot my dd8 who was waiting for me in a tree- she finally came in rather miffed. Oops!)

 

True- like they say dogs cans smell fear, the kids can definitely smell the guilt. If you aren't acting guilty about taking the time you need to do your thing, they will eventually back off (a little) (for about 5 minutes, until the next URGENT thing they HAVE to tell you!).:lol:

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I think there's a healthy mix. I do try to remember that when they hover and really have "nothing" to ask or say, they are seeking connection, not just attention.

Like Peela said, if I give them my focus 100% several times a day (and be emotionally available, not just gritting my teeth until I can be ALONE), it seems to fill them up enough and they can rest in their hearts for a while before they need me again.

Jean, I think the way you gently set the boundary was perfect.

 

And oh, I've been there with the tree-thing. For a while last year, I'd tell dd to go up to bed and I'd be there in a minute; can't tell you how many times she'd come down half an hour later and say, "Are you COMING?" :blushing: I'd completely forgotten.

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Clearly they have been conspiring with my children. :glare: I also think they say to one another, "Hey, do you want to see this neat trick? I can make Mom's hair burst into flames and her eyes shoot laser beams. No, really. See, she's trying to pay bills online and balance her checkbook. Watch while I call her name over and over in my most whiny voice and then tell her there isn't a towel in the hall bathroom." :banghead:

 

Diane W.

married for 22 years

homeschooling 3 kiddos for 16 years

 

your kids were conspiring with Jeans, but my kids were giving them lessons. :glare:

 

Know what I learned to do? I tune them out. They could be arguing in the same room as me and dh will go nuts and ask me how it doesn't drive me crazy. I can honestly say I don't hear them!!! I wish I could tell you how I did this but I don't know how. WTM helped, I'm sure......:D

 

Sometimes when they SEE I can't be interrupted and they come up anyway, I just ignore them and they will walk away. Not the best way to deal with them, but I've been operating on burnout mode for at least a couple of years now. Ignoring them is better than their getting The Look or a not very nice answer.:blush:

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I've started to exercise lately and it is really hard for me. It takes all my concentration just to keep breathing;) So yesterday I told my family (dh included) "I am going to be exercising. I am off limits during this time." (I didn't give the blood or smoke speech since dh was home.)

 

Wouldn't you know, it was dh who started to interrupt me a couple of times during my exercise with "Jean, come see this!" Then he'd look at me and say, "Oh- nevermind. . ." :blush: :lol:

 

So the whole family has to be retrained not to expect me to drop everything at the drop of a hat!

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Those that mentioned being emotionally available are 100% right. I know for a fact that if I give everyone my complete undivided attention and actually engage in conversation and just really be completely in the moment with them (you know, instead of saying, "yes, I like your picture" I will say, " wow, your picture is great, let's sit down and you can tell me all about it" they are much less likely to come to me every couple of seconds with nonsense and dramatics. I have found this especially true with my 19 month old. I have been spending about 15 minutes in the mornings just completely indulging in her. No one else is allowed to interfere. After that short time she is much more willing to play quietly and just toddle around. If I don't give her that time in the morning she is whiny and clingy the whole morning.

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You don't need to feel guilty about needing time for yourself. Since we're with our kiddos 24/7, it becomes more precious to us than the mom who sends hers out the door in the morning to the schoolbus. For my mental health (and for their benefit, as well), no one was allowed to leave their rooms in the morning until 8 AM- unless they had to run to the potty. AND then go back to their room. :001_smile:

 

In the afternoons, when the little ones needed naps, the older ones had quiet time. It usually went somewhere between 1 and 3 PM. I needed time to veg/read/nap/get things done. They could only come to me if there was an emergency - I like the 'blood or smoke' reference! I told mine the same thing. :001_smile:There were times when I worked with the older two (twins) on some schoolwork during that afternoon 'quiet time'.

 

I appreciate that my wonderful hubby knew that I needed quiet, uninterrupted, alone time. He didn't shy away from diapers, meal prep, reading to them, playing with them (actually he did this more than I did), putting them to bed.....etc so, I didn't feel like all the kid duty/care was on my shoulders. He could tell what needed to be done and just did it. He didn't need an invitation! When the twins were little, we started the habit that I'd go OUT for several hours on Saturday mornings- usually garage sale-ing! He got to make breakfast and have fun with them. He missed them during the week. I still go out on Sat. mornings occaisionally and it's a great break even with older kids.

You can set up a schedule/parameters that work for your family. The hard thing is making everyone comply with it. Set up clear expectations and consequences for potential violations. A line my dh still uses is: "We only ask you to do loving and reasonable things." It's not beyond their capabilities. Get your husband on your team and call a family meeting and tell the kids that there are going to be a few changes. They can handle it.

Sorry I rambled on so long. Blessings on you.

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Is when I very much need to focus on something and I SAY so, and then I get interrupted by:

 

"Do we have any milk?"

 

"Where is the tape?"

 

"Are there any popcicles?"

 

"I can't find the phone."

 

I just want to scream, "You know where to look for these things. Look for them. Do not ask me to look for you because your time is so important that it can not be squandered on things like looking for items that you believe should just manifest before your eyes based on your wishing for them."

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Around here, the phone seems to be the catalyst for annoying kid behavior. I'll announce, "I'm making an important phone call, please be quiet" and I swear before I've dialed and the person has answered, my kids are tapping me (repeatedly) on the arms and asking for things like popsicles or wanting to give me a play by play of their computer game. I've used the fire or blood line too.

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I interact a lot with my kids - during all meals, school times, car rides, walks, sports, household chores. . . But the busier I am trying to fit meals, chores, sports, etc. around school, the more I feel like I have to stake my claim to kid-free times. Some of these times are for me - time to exercise and to have Bible study, for instance. Some are actually for them (or at least the family) - time to do the family accounting, to do lesson planning etc. Every time I'm interrupted I have to pull my brain away from what I was doing, focus on the new person wanting my attention, all to find that 99% of the time I was interrupted for some inane reason. The kids are 8 and 13 - that's old enough to understand that they don't need access to me 24/7, right?

 

This is exactly my life. I'll be trying to work on the budget and I will hear someone frantically calling my name because..... they don't like what their sister is wearing today. :rolleyes:

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Yes! I used to tell mine not to interrupt me unless there was blood or smoke...

 

 

 

Anne

 

Water. Don't forget water. I had worked and worked to train my foster daughter (about age 13, but emotionally somewhat younger) not to interrupt me when I was on the phone except for an emergency (which she often defined as wanting to go to a friend's house.) One day, I got off the phone to find water pouring out of the dishwasher. I asked why she hadn't told me: "You said to only interrupt during an emergency." :lol: (now)

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