Only Child/ Much Younger Sibling

[katemary63]

I never had a strong opinion about only children one way or the other back when I was raising my olders, but I have to admit that I always thought it was a little bit sad for the kid not to have siblings. However, my youngest DD is 10 years younger then my olders and has primarily lived the life of an only child and I have to say, I think it's WONDERFUL!

 

For me, it is the intimacy that we have since we spend so much time, just the two (or three when dad's home) of us. I LOVE focusing so much attention on her, watching her, teaching just her. I love everything about the small little, just-the-three-of-us family we have most of the time here.

 

For her there is just more of the good parts of me to offer her since I am not so stressed, busy, unfocused. I make sure she has lots of social opportunities, she has Awanas and co-op classes, goes to Birthday parties and has friends over regularily. But most of her time is spent doing the things she loves with her mom and dad: farming, raising/ training her animals, riding horses, hiking the Ozarks. She is happy, happy, happy and not a bit lonely. She LOVES our company and often chooses it over that of her peers.

 

There is no point to this post except to say, "Boy, do I love having an only!" and that I would recommend it to anyone considering having only one child, or thinking about having a later addition to the family. What fun, fun, fun we are having!

 

ps. I LOVED raising my olders too! This is just a different kind of fun!

[Guest Cindie2dds]

I was an only and have a lovely relationship with my mom, especially now! Enjoy. :D

[Chris in VA]

I'm in the same boat, with dd being 8 and 10 years younger than her brothers.

Do you think it's also the girl thing? (gender based)

 

I so enjoy my time with her.

 

You are right, it's a different kind of fun. I'm glad I got both kinds.

[JeneralMom]

My husband had 4 older siblings who were 14, 12, 11 and 10 when he was born. He, to a large degree, felt like an only child growing up as his siblings had moved out, or were busy with their own lives by time he was an older child. Yes, he got more attention from his parents (who were 49 and 39 when he was born) and they were calmer and more patient with him. The difference between an only child and a much younger sibling become apparent when the children are all older. My BILs and SIL (one of my SIL is deceased) are close and call each other and meet up for holidays, yet they forget to even call my DH on his birthday, and we hear about things 2nd hand - for example his brother didn't bother telling us he and his partner were getting married and actually mentioned it in passing in an email after the fact.) They treat him more like a cousin, and rarely consult him on family matters, or if they do, discount his opinion even to this day. So, an only child doesn't have to deal with the aloofness of his older siblings which hurts more than he would care to admit. I have asked other friends who have much younger or older siblings and they admit that they are not close as adults, don't really know much about each other and have trouble relating to their siblings because, many times, they were raised differently.

 

I am not bashing only children or families who have large age gaps, just trying to bring a different perspective to it.

[katemary63]

My husband had 4 older siblings who were 14, 12, 11 and 10 when he was born. He, to a large degree, felt like an only child growing up as his siblings had moved out, or were busy with their own lives by time he was an older child. Yes, he got more attention from his parents (who were 49 and 39 when he was born) and they were calmer and more patient with him. The difference between an only child and a much younger sibling become apparent when the children are all older. My BILs and SIL (one of my SIL is deceased) are close and call each other and meet up for holidays, yet they forget to even call my DH on his birthday, and we hear about things 2nd hand - for example his brother didn't bother telling us he and his partner were getting married and actually mentioned it in passing in an email after the fact.) They treat him more like a cousin, and rarely consult him on family matters, or if they do, discount his opinion even to this day. So, an only child doesn't have to deal with the aloofness of his older siblings which hurts more than he would care to admit. I have asked other friends who have much younger or older siblings and they admit that they are not close as adults, don't really know much about each other and have trouble relating to their siblings because, many times, they were raised differently.

 

I am not bashing only children or families who have large age gaps, just trying to bring a different perspective to it.

 

Oh, that is so sad and honestly something I had never thought of. At this point, all her older siblings adore my youngest DD and spoil her rotten when they are around, which isn't too often, admittedly, since they are either moved away or busy, working, college students. I am glad you brought this up though since it will help me to do what I can to foster continued closeness between all of them through out the next many years. I'm sorry for your DH and the way he is left out. :sad:

[Prudent]

I was an only child for 11 years until my twin sisters were born.

 

I can definitely agree with the other poster who mentioned that large age gaps can result in very different sibling relationships. I am not close with my sisters at all, and sometimes still forget that I'm not an only child (and they were born 18 years ago).

[Ravin]

Oh, that is so sad and honestly something I had never thought of. At this point, all her older siblings adore my youngest DD and spoil her rotten when they are around, which isn't too often, admittedly, since they are either moved away or busy, working, college students. I am glad you brought this up though since it will help me to do what I can to foster continued closeness between all of them through out the next many years. I'm sorry for your DH and the way he is left out. :sad:

 

I see some of the different dynamics with age gaps, too. In our case, there's my sibling cohort (2 bio sisters and a foster sister, all of us w/in a 4 yr age span), and then there's the middle cohort (aged-out foster siblings who are part of my mom's life still but who our cohort are either more like mentors to or don't know at all, as they were part of my mother's household after we moved out), and there's the young cohort, who are close in age or, in a few cases, much younger than mom's grandchildren (her oldest grandchild is 15, for example). This young brother and sister of mine are going to be adopted by my mom and stepdad. They're still preschoolers. Our cohort definitely relate to them more like aunts than siblings.

[AHASRADA]

Thanks for the encouragement and caution on this subject. I will soon have a baby who is almost 11 years younger than my youngest, and I've been trying not to worry too much about this issue, but it is always there in the back of my mind. My dd10 is thrilled to have a baby sister to care for and play with, but I'm sure once the "baby" is an annoying toddler, and she is a young teen, she won't be so excited to have her tagging along all the time. Still, she told me the other day that it's a good thing she is homeschooled, otherwise she would miss out on so much of her baby sister's life, being gone all day, etc. What a great kid!

 

This leaves me wondering about the "only child" and "estranged sibling" phenomena in relation to homeschooling. I was an only child, and loved it. My mom and I were extremely close, and it was such a relief to come home to my serene escape from the insanity of the kids at school. However, I am wondering if a homeschooled only child would feel lonely and isolated? Certainly the "school" aspect would go more smoothly, but what about when mom needs to do other things (chores, cooking) and there's no sibling to hang out with? I remember nagging my mom to play with me and being insulted that she would "rather" do chores than spend time with me (not realizing, of course, that she had no choice).

 

On the other hand, I would suspect that perhaps the lack of closeness between older and younger siblings might be less of an issue in a homeschooling family, precisely because of spending so much time together. As my dd said, if she were at school all day, caught up with her friends drama, etc., she wouldn't be as big a part of her baby sister's life.

 

BTW, my dh has a sister who is 12 years younger than him (there are 4 siblings close in age, and the baby is 8 years younger than the elder youngest, KWIM?) They all played with and adored their baby sister, and while dh moved away when she was 6 and wasn't around much while she was growing up, he still loved and spent time with her when he could. Now that they are both adults, they are very close, talking on Skype for an hour at a time, laughing hysterically and sharing thoughts and dreams. I think it is their personalities that mesh well, despite the age difference, and the fact that their family has a "culture of closeness" in general.

 

So, I am hopeful, and cautious, that my kids will all be close in their own way, and that the baby won't be a lonely "only child" when the big kids move on :sad:.

[Dobela]

My dad is 7 years older than his sister. There is another brother 13 months younger than my dad. My aunt was pretty much raised as an only child in her late childhood because they left home at age 17 and 16. She doesn't have many memories of them being at home. However, they are very close today and have a wonderful relationship. When my grandmother was dying earlier this year, they worked together making decisions and caring for her that people took notice.

 

My dh is 6+ years younger than his sisters, and had a brother that was 8 years older. He had no relationship with his brother (now deceased) and barely speaks to his sisters now. Actually never does- we only get family news from FB. Part of it is the distance from them that we live, but part of it is just having very different lifestyles and few interests in common. As we were beginning our family they had already moved on to grandchildren, they are athiests while we are Christians, and so on. Even if they were close in age I don't think they would be close. Oh, DH also has a younger sister we are not in contact with. She is however very close to the other sisters - but again, they have so much more in common.

 

My 2 children are almost 7 years apart in age. Right now at 3 and 10 they are closer than I expected and adore each other. I hope and pray it ontinues, and I hope to fister a great relationship between them. I am so thankful for the time I had alone with my son and dread the day when I have that time alone with my dd, although honestly I do look forward to having that special time with her as well.

 

I don't think it is the age difference alone that determines future relationships.

[Greta]

Don't have the age gap issue going on (unless something most unexpected happens! ;) ) but I do have an only child. Since this wasn't my decision, but my husband's, it has been really hard for me at times. I love my brothers very much, and would have loved to have given my daughter someone she would be that close to. But she has never wanted siblings, so I try to trust that this is the way things are meant to be for us. And I also try to keep in mind what you said here, because it is SO TRUE!

 

For me, it is the intimacy that we have since we spend so much time, just the two (or three when dad's home) of us. I LOVE focusing so much attention on her, watching her, teaching just her. I love everything about the small little, just-the-three-of-us family we have most of the time here.

 

For her there is just more of the good parts of me to offer her since I am not so stressed, busy, unfocused. I make sure she has lots of social opportunities, she has Awanas and co-op classes, goes to Birthday parties and has friends over regularily. But most of her time is spent doing the things she loves with her mom and dad: farming, raising/ training her animals, riding horses, hiking the Ozarks. She is happy, happy, happy and not a bit lonely. She LOVES our company and often chooses it over that of her peers.

 

It is really neat that you got to experience both a bigger family dynamic, and a small, intimate family dynamic! What a blessing for you! Few people get to do that. :001_smile:

[Laura Corin]

I think it also depends on the child you have and your relationship. Much as I love him, I find Hobbes difficult to be with all day, every day. He needs to talk, and although he is doing well with learning to have conversations, rather than monologues, he still talks all day. Every happening deserves a comment and every comment neds to be expanded upon. I can carve out quiet time for myself, but more and more I find myself wanting the whole day as quiet time. With Calvin here, I can alternate between them and have a natural way of escaping the chat. If Calvin weren't around, I'd go mad.

 

Laura

[Jean in Newcastle]

I am 5 years younger than my closest sibling, 12 years from the eldest. The age gaps were accentuated by boarding school for them when I was young - I only saw them every 3 months for a week or so. And then when I was 7, the oldest 2 went to the US, so I didn't even see them that much. For me, I've had to make an effort to have an adult relationship with my siblings. And it has worked for the most part. My eldest sister (12 years older) and I "discovered" each other again when I was in my early 20's. We are now very close friends. My eldest brother reconnected with me when we hadn't seen each other for 8 years. But we share a lot of values and perspectives that make our relationship a close one. I do have some trouble with him discounting me since I'm so "young" but I've told him what I think of that! My middle sister and I have had a strained relationship due to jealousy issues on her part but I think that would be true no matter what our age gap (9 years). The brother who is closest in age to me and I had an easier time because we were around each other more. But while we share a love of books, we don't share a lot of other values so we mostly limit our conversation to books.:001_smile: I guess what I'm saying is that there can be barriers to a relationship due to age but if the siblings make an effort then you can still have very warm relationships with them. The only time I got really sad was when we were writing down memories for a Sibling Memory book and the older 4 all had shared memories and my memories were totally different.

[Wheres Toto]

I always say that I have one onlie and a boy and a girl (who people keep thinking are twins despite a 23 month age difference). I do love the special relationship I have with my only. She was 11 before her brother was born and we were able to have a completely different relationship than I have with the others. I always felt a little bad for my son because he only had a lot of attention for 23 months, then the baby was born and he had to share so much of my time.

 

I obviously don't know what the future holds but my oldest adores her brother and sister. She loves playing with them and can't wait until the baby is old enough for Barbie:tongue_smilie:. I know things may change if she goes far away for college in two years. I like the idea that if something happens to dh and I that in a few years she'd be old enough to take care of her siblings (she is dd's godmother).

 

As far as adult sibling relationship go - my brother and I are less than 2 years apart and we are not very close anymore. He lives pretty far away and we only see them every few years. He is here this weekend and it will be the first time he meets my youngest. We only talk on the phone every couple of months although we do usually remember to acknowledge birthdays.

[Nakia]

My baby brother was a big surprise for my parents; my other brother, K, was 7 and I was 10 when S was born. I also have a step brother and step sister who were 9 and 13 when S was born (they weren't around much though). K and S are just now really getting close because they never had a lot in common until they grew up to be men, and both joined the army. They are finally becoming friends. I adored both of them since they were born, but I remember so much more about S being a baby. I used to feed him, change him, and then I babysat him when he was a toddler. There is something special about having much younger siblings!! Now, for him, he does feel like he was an "only" at times. By the time he was 10, K and I had left home. He became my parents' focus. It has been really hard for my mom since S got married and left home last year.

 

What you said about your olders spoiling her made me smile. My mom accuses me of spoiling S rotten all his life. It's true; I did and still do. But I am nuts about both my brothers. They are two of my best friends. And now they both have absolutely precious wives. I am so blessed!!

 

Something that was really fun and special was seeing my baby brother meet, fall in love with, and marry his high school sweetheart, just like I did with my husband. He's all grown up now and serving in Afghanistan. I have loved seeing him grow up. We are super close so it can work that way, but it takes effort now because we are at such different stages of life. It sounds like your olders won't forget or abandon their little sister! I try and include his wife in things and invite her to do things, and she does like hanging out with us, but she is only 21 years old so of course her life is very different than mine.

 

Anyway, I'm rambling, but keep enjoying your girl! :grouphug:

[Laurie4b]

I am 10 1/2 years older than my youngest sister. (There is another sister 4 years younger than I am.) My youngest sister and I were very close, but when I went away to college, it was a big blow to her. At that age, I never realized it. So that is something to keep in mind for those of you who have a large age gap: how the youngest will feel when someone s/he's been close to suddenly leaves.

[Kari C in SC]

I have experienced this as a child and a parent. By the time I was 12, my siblings were either out of the house most of the time. I loved being an only. Like you said, I got the best of my parents time, etc.

 

As a young mom, I only had Timmy for 9.5 years. Looking back on those times, we had the best time. I do think it had something to do with how extremely close we were. When he left for Alaska, he continued to call me several times a day to just talk about everything and everything. My other two are closer in age and they fight over everything. I spend much of my time telling them to be nice to each other, etc. I do think there is a hidden advantage to only or kids 10 years apart. I am still glad I had more kids. My sanity depends on it right now!

[mom2denj]

It is actually a blessing to hear this right now. My dd (now 4) is 10 years younger than my other 2. My middle dd is in 8th and my oldest ds is a senior in high school. This subject has been wieghing on me heavily. I have been struggling with weather or not to keep her at home. Has your daughter always enjoyed being at home? I am looking forward to spending lots of time with her, but I also feel a little guilty about it.