? for parents who let kids sleep in their bedrooms...

[Joker]

We let our dds sleep in our room if they are unable to fall asleep/stay asleep in their rooms. At what age do they usually start staying/sleeping in their own rooms? I was a kid who was so scared and unable to sleep but my parents didn't allow any of us to sleep in their room. I have horrible memories of that time and didn't want to repeat it with my own kids. I guess I assumed it would be done by now.:tongue_smilie: I don't want them to feel what I did but I don't want it to continue too long. Is there a time that you try to stop it (and if so how)? They are about 50/50 right now. (at 10 and 8) TIA!

[3littlekeets]

My kids generally sleep in their own rooms, but there are a few times a month when even my 11 year old son wants to sleep with us. I cherish and relish it! I know that he knows he is loved and protected -- and that he is still a kid and not "too cool" to hug his mom and dad.

 

I figure that at some point in the very near future, puberty will kick in and the last place he'll want to be is in bed between his mom and dad:D, especially since his mom wakes him up with "Good Morning Mary Sunshine! How did you wake so soon? You frightened away the little stars and drove away the moon!"

 

I still treasure the memories of cuddling my mom when I came home from College whenever my dad was away :lol:. So, I guess I say, you'll know -- they'll know.

[amys]

Our boys were in our bed at least sometimes for quite a while, but I can't even think of the age when they "moved out"!! (We did not usually have them BOTH there at the same time, except in cases of bad dreams or whatnot.) I guess what that says is that when they're ready to be on their own, they will be. It helped our boys to be together in a room for a while (bunk beds), but eventually that was more conflict than comfort, so we split them up. They just rediscovered the fun of being together when we had a family member visit, though! They stayed together, with one on the floor, a couple nights after the family member left!

[Shawna in Texas]

My oldest slept with us all of the time until she was about 6. Then about half the time after that. Then when she was 8, I got pregnant and she wanted to be around me quite a bit, so we bought an IKEA cheapy mattress that she slept on in our room until the the baby was a few months old. She would have been about 9.5 then. She didn't like waking up because the baby was crying. She's been in her room ever since.

 

With my youngest, who just turned 3, she sleeps on a mattress on our floor. Sometimes she sleeps with her sister, who has a queen-size bed, or she crawls in bed with dh and me. I had plans of moving her mattress to her sister's room, but I sleep better when she's in my room. I'm in no hurry.

[Joker]

Thanks! These stories make me feel better! I'm in no hurry to force them out but someone close to me commented that they should be old enough to sleep through the night in their own rooms and it bothered me. They had been sleeping fine in their room but the other night (while family member was here) my younger woke during the night and I let her sleep on our floor and something was said later. They don't sleep in our bed because it is only a full but they are allowed to come sleep on our floor whenever they need/want. I feel eventually they will be to old/embarrassed to sleep on our floor and will stay in their room. I just needed reassurance that I hadn't messed up somewhere and it was going on too long.

[jewellsmommy]

dd is 8 and still sleeps in our room full time. She has a twin bed right up against my side of the bed. I have to climb over dh to get out of bed :D.

Dd also has a full bed in her room. But, even with the twin bed right there, she still insists in being in our bed between us on the weekends or any time she can sneak in.

 

She kind of toyed with the idea of going back to her room about a month ago. I put on a brave face and told her whatever she wanted. On the inside, though, I was a little sad. After just one night in her real room she said she wanted to come back to our room for a little while longer after all. I nonchalantly said "whatever you want honey bun" But was totally smiling on the inside :D.

 

I can't tell anyone irl about this. (deleted a mis-worded sentence, no offense meant at all)

Edited August 19, 2010 by jewellsmommy
deleted a sentence because I didn't mean to offend with my word choice

[mom to 3 boys & 1 girl]

My babies aren't as old as yours are yet, but I think you are doing great!

 

Ethan and Dylan still end up in our bed a few times a week. They usually go through phases where they come in more often and then it swings back the other way.

 

We live in a 2BR so all of the kids share a room. They always fall asleep in their own beds but will climb in our bed in the middle of the night. It doesn't effect DH and I at all. We are always asleep when they climb in and we love it! We actually tease each other when we are the one who got to snuggle all night.

 

As long as you and your DH are OK with the situation, I say don't give it another thought. They grow up so fast and soon they will be "too cool" to sleep on your floor.

 

I also want to say that Tyler (2nd ds) NEVER sleeps with us. He has always loved his bed and has no desire to sleep in between DH and I. To me it just proves that some children need extra love at night, while others don't. I figure that I don't stop being a mom just because it is the middle of the night.

 

HTH

[dm379]

Mine still come in my bed in the middle of the night. Sometimes I tell them to sleep on the floor. I'm not going to kick them out but I wish it would stop so I could get some time away from them, even if I am asleep.

[3littlekeets]

 

I can't tell anyone irl about this. They would think I was mentally impaired or something.

 

I know you weren't thinking about the people that might be offended by that comment, but I hope you can think about the fact that it was unnecessary to use that reference. I understand that you didn't mean harm, but making fun of, or casually referencing the status of people with intellectual disabilities only marginalizes them further. You didn't say "they'll think I'm a retard," but essentially -- you did. What you were likely trying to convey is that they'll think you are overprotective or sheltering your child -- that has nothing to do with "mental impairment."

[jewellsmommy]

I know you weren't thinking about the people that might be offended by that comment, but I hope you can think about the fact that it was unnecessary to use that reference. I understand that you didn't mean harm, but making fun of, or casually referencing the status of people with intellectual disabilities only marginalizes them further. You didn't say "they'll think I'm a retard," but essentially -- you did. What you were likely trying to convey is that they'll think you are overprotective or sheltering your child -- that has nothing to do with "mental impairment."

 

 

No, I didn't mean to offend. But, what I should have said was emotionally impaired perhaps because I was not referencing over protectiveness or similar. I have a family member who thinks that people who allow children in their bed room are "impaired". Her word. I hope no one takes offense and I will edit it. Even my own mother (who I have a great relationship with) was "concerned" about me when I let it slip that it saddened me slightly when dd was going to go to her room. Again, very sorry.

 

ETA: Just thought I should mention, that I suffer from anxiety and have slight OCD tendencies. That is why it "concerns" my mother. It was my SIL who let it slip that we allow dd in our room in the first place. Grrr... That was a fun conversation, not! Mental/emotional issues run on my side and dh's side. We tend to deal with it amongst ourselves in a lighter way. Never out of disrespect, but to keep me from fretting to death or getting depressed. I worry a lot about dd's mental health. Anyway, that's a whole other thread.... I feel bad when I offend someone and will now obsess about this thread all night while I should be sleeping!

Edited August 19, 2010 by jewellsmommy

[rootsnwings]

I slept in my mama's bed til I moved out!! My daddy worked nights so it was just the norm. My ds9 was born while I was still living at home & so me & mom & baby all 3 co-slept until I was married & moved away! Now my hubby works nights. Ds9 slept with me until ds3 was born. Then he slept in our floor on a futon for about 6 months. On his 7th birthday he declared he was "too old" to sleep with his mama anymore & hasn't been back since! Ds3 co-slept with me until about a month ago and we moved his full-size bed to the foot of our king--that's his own special sleep spot although he sometimes climbs back in with me & dd1. My dh31 took off work tonight & is snoring in the twin bed with the 3 year old at the moment--he & I are NOT used to sleeping together! LOL

[helena]

I nursed and slept with both of my daughters until they were both around 2 1/2 years old (the only thing our crib was good for was throwing my mom off to the truth). They both went to having their own cozy beds with no problems. They wouldn't even come into my bed with bad dreams. I kind of figured that was it as far as sleeping in the same bed. :crying:

 

Last September my youngest (8) started having aggressive Tourette symptoms, she was really scared and wanted to sleep with me. She's been in my bed ever since. In fact she has become overall very attached to me. Every night she falls asleep in her own bed, but by 2ish she comes to mama.

 

I don't tell anyone because I've gotten some negative feedback on that one. :001_rolleyes:

 

It's kind of nice, because now my 11yo comes wondering in once in a while.

My husband (and cats) wakes up through out the night and switches where he sleeps (happily), our bed, couch, empty kids bed...

It's a bit much, but everyone sleeps well.

I know eventually they won't need me like that, so I'm just soaking it up. I'm grateful and honored that I give my daughters that safe, comforting feeling they need right now.

The heavy attachment can wear me out sometimes, and I have no idea how long this will go on, or how it will come to an end. But I can honestly say this is the right thing for us right now.

 

It feel good to read your stories. Sometimes it starts to feel like everyone is "on track" but you.

[helena]

.... I feel bad when I offend someone and will now obsess about this thread all night while I should be sleeping!

:grouphug:

Please don't...

My wheels have started spinning before too, after regretful posting.

I've found that we are among many gracious people here.

 

Have peaceful, beautiful sleep. You're among friends here. (In a not real life, computery, that woman could really be a man, kind of way! :D)

 

Sweet dreams woman :)

[jewellsmommy]

:grouphug:

Please don't...

My wheels have started spinning before too, after regretful posting.

I've found that we are among many gracious people here.

 

Have peaceful, beautiful sleep. You're among friends here. (In a not real life, computery, that woman could really be a man, kind of way! :D)

 

Sweet dreams woman :)

 

 

Thank you :001_smile:.

[lailasmum]

We have co slept with both of our kids. The 6 yr old has always also had her own bedroom and slowly transitioned over to her own bed but is back regularly, if she is ill or having nightmares. She is quite hard work to sleep with though as she is a giant wriggly octopus when asleep and I regularly wake up with feet in my face.

 

My 2 and half yr old is still in bed with me but we are right in the middle of decorating a room for him. I think it'll be a while before he moves into a room of his own but he mostly sleeps through and I have recently stopped breast feeding him so the time is coming.

 

Many of my friends co sleep so its really well supported amongst my social group.

 

One of my friends co-slept with her so n(5) and daughter till her dd was 11 then she naturally moved over to her own room. Other friends have their kids in their room through times of trauma or change but normally don't.

 

There's no denying its a huge comfort for kids and no one should be able to criticise you for meeting your kids emotional needs in any way that manifests its self.

[Renee in NC]

My oldest was 12 when he stopped sleeping in our room. My 12yo was 10 or so, but that was after we moved to a place with less floor room. Now, the 9yo and down still sleep in their periodically.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I finally kicked ds out at 9. He usually ended up sleeping in the hall for another year or so. Then he moved to the couch and stayed there til last October (he was 14) when we INSISTED he sleep in bed (he was doing one sleep related therapy and now, at 15, does another so MUST be in his own bed and hooked up).

 

If I had it to do over, I'd just do the work with a toddler. A few tough nights and it's done.

[amy g.]

Full time, I have the 8 month old in the bed.

 

The 3 year old has been sleeping with a sister since she was weaned.

 

11 year old likes to sleep with me when Dh is out of town, but sometimes chooses her own room because she wants to listen to an audio book that would keep me up.

 

When she does that, the 14 year old says, "No one has called your bed?" and he sleeps with me. He slept with a sister until the 3 year old kicked him out of that bed.

 

My little brother slept with me until I moved away. When my sister is visiting, she asks, "Which kid is sleeping with me?" the others usually sleep on the floor where she is.

 

I forget that it is not typical in our culture, because I'm so used to it.

[Carrie12345]

Thanks! These stories make me feel better! I'm in no hurry to force them out but someone close to me commented that they should be old enough to sleep through the night in their own rooms and it bothered me. They had been sleeping fine in their room but the other night (while family member was here) my younger woke during the night and I let her sleep on our floor and something was said later. They don't sleep in our bed because it is only a full but they are allowed to come sleep on our floor whenever they need/want. I feel eventually they will be to old/embarrassed to sleep on our floor and will stay in their room. I just needed reassurance that I hadn't messed up somewhere and it was going on too long.

 

And they should take Algebra in 8th grade, and hit 5' by a certain age, and do their own laundry by X, and get all their adult teeth by Y, and yadda yadda yadda, right? ;)

 

Unless you really hate having them come in, who cares what other people say? Your kids do what feels right. They'll stop when it doesn't.

 

In our house, we cosleep for about the first year or so. The kids tend to wander in now and then through the next year or two (maybe three in 1 dd's case). They don't any more, BUT the younger three will crawl into bed with each other from time to time. And sometimes I find all 3 "camping out" in the living room. Not a big deal at all!

[3littlekeets]

No, I didn't mean to offend. But, what I should have said was emotionally impaired perhaps because I was not referencing over protectiveness or similar. I have a family member who thinks that people who allow children in their bed room are "impaired". Her word. I hope no one takes offense and I will edit it. Even my own mother (who I have a great relationship with) was "concerned" about me when I let it slip that it saddened me slightly when dd was going to go to her room. Again, very sorry.

 

ETA: Just thought I should mention, that I suffer from anxiety and have slight OCD tendencies. That is why it "concerns" my mother. It was my SIL who let it slip that we allow dd in our room in the first place. Grrr... That was a fun conversation, not! Mental/emotional issues run on my side and dh's side. We tend to deal with it amongst ourselves in a lighter way. Never out of disrespect, but to keep me from fretting to death or getting depressed. I worry a lot about dd's mental health. Anyway, that's a whole other thread.... I feel bad when I offend someone and will now obsess about this thread all night while I should be sleeping!

 

 

Thank you. :grouphug:

[hsbaby]

My son was about 5 when we kicked him out:)He was fine with it by then. He will still sleep big sisters roomon occasion. Dd 3 is still in our room. I also had really bad nightmares and was so scared at night in my room all alone at night. I would cry for my parents. They would usually come in and yell at me, but at the time I didn't care....so long as someone was in there. My mom feels really bad about that now!

[Catherine]

Older two were pushed out (very gently and gradually) when new sibs came along, starting around age 3, but both still joined us some of the time until they were at least 8.

 

Youngest has been transitioned over the past year-he is 9. BUT-he shares a room with his older brother, so he isn't alone completely at night, and I often sit with him when he's going to sleep, when either of us feels like it. He knows that I'll sit with him at night if he is sick or very afraid (very rare). He had to go-he's a BIG kid and we simply didn't have room for him in our bed.

 

There's definitely a difference in children as far as night time anxiety\fears. One of my three kids had, and has, very little fear\anxiety, and the other two have alot.

 

Final note: our Japanese AFS student told me he shared a bed with his parents ( as did his older brother) until they were about 12, and this is standard in Japan.

[KidsHappen]

My oldest two at about age two or three. The rest of them sometime between say 4 and 10 and my kids had lots of siblings to sleep with as well. I was in no particular hurry. Sometimes I made them sleep in here simpy because it was easier for them to go to sleep. As far as I can tell, none of them are scared or weird because of it. I also found in the homeschool group that I was in that there were a lot of kids doing the same thing, it just wasn't talked about very much as it isn't very socially acceptable. I can tell you how many sleepoevers ended with kids being taken home or the parents coming to get them. Many of the kids were all for the late night fun but just weren't ready for the sleep without parents.

[emubird]

I never kicked my kids out. They eventually drifted off to their own room in the early teen years. But they still come back and sleep with me when they're sick or upset. They're 15 and 19. They'd probably sleep with me more but they're afraid of waking me up. They share a room. Sometimes they sleep together in the same bed. Sometimes the middle of the night just gets kind of lonely.

 

I think the thing that really convinced them to move on out was that they were going to bed so much later than me.

[Mommamia]

I was a child who was terrified of sleeping alone. I'm so grateful that my parents allowed me to crawl into their bed whenever I needed to. They told me recently that they had purchased a king size bed just because of my night fears. My dad would also sleep on the floor next to my bed as an alternative. Some people may disagree with the fact that they allowed me to do that, but I am forever grateful to them. I'm pretty sure that I needed their "night help" until I was about 12. The interesting thing is that I have no problem sleeping alone now.

[Wheres Toto]

My oldest slept with my all the time until she was 10 and I remarried. At that point she only slept with me when dh was away on a trip but that stopped after a year (when ds was born).

 

My younger two sleep with us full time. We have a serious space problem so they were sharing a bed (not that they ever slept a full night in it) but they've gotten too big now and end up kicking each other and waking each other up so we've stopped trying. It's funny because DH was one of those who said no kid of his would ever sleep in his bed. By the time ds was 3 months old he was sleeping with us and now dh loves having the kids to cuddle with. Thankfully we have a huge king size bed so it's not too bad. When we get the new house done we plan to work on them sleeping in their own room, at least to start the night. They will be allowed to join us if they wake up for however long they want to.

[Wyndie]

My kids are still in my room. I have an almost 11 year old, almost 9 year old and a 5 year old. The 5 year old gets to sleep in our bed, the nearly 9 year old has her own double papsan chair next to my bed that she sleeps in and the almost 11 year old has a sleeping bag that lives on our floor and he uses whenever he wants. We want to buy a king sized bed so they can all fit but it's not in the budget right now. We love having them in there. When DH is up late, I usually snag a kid to bring in bed with me b/c it's lonely.

 

When we moved about a year ago, I forgot to take the bed rail off my bed and the movers (friends of ours) got a good laugh thinking that was to keep me from rolling out of bed. I assured them it was for the 3 year old. :lol:

 

When there is a storm outside, they are all in the room but often times they just trickle in during the night and I don't know they're there until morning.

[lisabelle]

My ds is 11, he likes watching scary things with the dh, but he has a big imagination that runs wild at night. So he sleeps in bed with me and the dh sleeps in ds's bed. I was the same way as a child and I was so grateful my dad would let me sleep in his bed (my mom always slept on the couch). Of course the dh and I would like to be sleeping together, but we find other ways to have intimate time with each other. We know that very soon ds will move on to his own bed and we will have the rest of our lives to cuddle in bed. It works well for us because I'm more prone to insomnia, whereas the dh falls asleep immediately and SNORES. Even when it was the two of us I spent many nights on the couch so I wouldn't harass the dh and he could get a good night's sleep and I could too.

 

My best friend has a 13yo dd who still sleeps with her. About 10 years ago their family bought an old, vacant Victorian that was in tremendous disrepair and had had squatters living there (when they were cleaning it out they pulled out like 10 manky mattresses). For me, it would have been a creepy, scary place to live and to sleep and while they've done a lot of work on the place, there's still much more to do to erase the kind of vague creepiness of the place. So I completely get why the 13yo sleeps with mom (dad sleeps on the living room couch because both he and his wife snore terribly).

 

Having had a temperament very similar to my ds's, I firmly believe that no one should ever go to bed with anxious feelings. Feeling safe is important to a good night's sleep, so I'll let the ds share a bed with me as long as it takes.

[Guest janainaz]

Mine just left. My ds is 10 and he slept on our floor and my ds was 5 and he slept in the middle. I was also the girl that said I'd never stay home, I'd never homeschool and the idea of kids in my bed was a repulsive thought.

 

But dh moved them out a couple of months ago. They now sleep in ds10's room, together. They get one night a week to sleep in our room, but on the floor.

 

Ds10 complained a little at first. He used to sleep in his bunk bed until dh broke it when we moved. He felt safe on the top bunk, so after that, he ended up in our room again. But he really needed to build his confidence and have his own space. I just trusted dh to do what needed to be done. I'm a wimp when it comes to them sometimes and I needed dh to take over that situation.

 

As much as a I love my kids, I love having my bed back.

[dirty ethel rackham]

We were co-sleepers with are last 2 children. (Our oldest slept best in his crib - the others ... not at all:O). I started transitioning my 2nd child into a room with his brother when he was 18 months. If he needed me, I went and slept in his bed - so that I could leave when I needed to. Since he had his brother there, he was fairly secure. With my daughter, we started transitioning her when she was 3. I went into her room when she needed me. By around 4, she just started crawling in with us occasionally instead of me going to her and did that until she was 7.

 

So, my solution was to bring them back to their room and lay down with them until they were OK. That doesn't mean we still don't welcome them (okay - my boys wouldn't be caught dead crawling in with Mom and Dad, but my daughter still does.) But I need my space and some semblance of privacy.

 

I think they are probably old enough for a little comfort and then returning to their own beds. For my boys, since they had each other, they didn't seem to need me as much as my daughter (who is the ultimate cuddler.) I guess in your case, I would be welcoming but accompany them back to their rooms and parent them down to sleep. No need to be harsh about it, but explain that you need your space and quiet time too. You can verbalize to them that they are getting big enough to start to learn how to manage themselves at night. Put it in a positive light that they are growing up and becoming more mature.

 

ETA: I didn't mean to come across as judgemental. If you are OK with it and your only reason to question it is the disapproval of family members, I see no reason to change. I originally thought you wanted it to change for your own reasons. Keep doing what you are doing, keep being welcoming and let your children know that you have confidence in them.

Edited August 19, 2010 by dirty ethel rackham