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I gotta vent......


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I NEVER cry. Stuff just never really bothers me to tears, but I cried today.

 

I have a friend who is IMO psycho. She started out OK and now....

 

She has to be the best at everything.

She brags about herself and puts others down CONSTANTLY.

She goes crazy if I have other friends or talk to someone that is also her friend (if she hears I talked to "X" she will call "X" and make plans with "X" and then call and go on and on to me about it)

SHE LIES ABOUT FREAKING EVERYTHING. And then she lies to get out of those lies, or swears she never said something....like this is to the point that I think she has serious mental issues.

She has to buy what I buy, do what I do.

 

I do everything in my power to get away from her, but that makes it worse. She will then call people and make up stories about me and cry and turn things around as if I am the bad friend etc. Its not worth the effort to get away or call her out on things. Like I actually fear the backlash. She wouldnt stop until she destroyed my entore life. seriously.

 

Her DD is friends with my DD so I try and be cool. (she has gone so far as to lie about things my DD has said- I set her straight on that area though)

 

 

So why did I cry? I went so far as to switch churches to a town 30 miles away to get away from her. I am going with a mutual friend of ours. Yesterday she found out I was going to the other church. She called me today to tell me that the mutual friend begged her to go too (LIE) and that she will now also be coming with us. I really like the church too.

 

I CANT GET AWAY FROM HER. I would actually move due to this, but my DH wont.

 

I am at my wits end. She knows no boundaries and as hard as I try to back away and be cool, the more she trys to take over my life. :crying:

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She knows no boundaries and as hard as I try to back away and be cool,

 

She knows no boundaries and that's why it's imperative that you do.

 

You are being too nice. Can she really destroy your life? Seriously, is your life that fragile? Don't you think other people feel the same way about her?

 

You are giving her too much power. Don't call her out. Just tell her to leave you alone, as in, "Don't call me anymore, thank you." and let the chips fall where they may.

 

Anyone who would choose that insanity over you is a good riddance.

 

It is hard, but you have to do it. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

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You said she would destroy your life. Do you mean like causing you or your family physical harm? Then you need to contact the police.

 

If you mean that she'll destroy your life by telling lies about you to your friends (which could still be an issue for the police if it affects your dh's job or something), then I would just let that happen.

 

Have you told her, "I don't want to be friends with you anymore. Leave me alone,"? Or are you seriously afraid that she's a stalker and would harm you?

 

If you think she will commit a crime, then I don't have much advice beyond the police. (I had a friend who was starting to get stalked. The police contacted the man and asked him to come down to the station. When he was there they said, "We know you're stalking X. If anything happens to her, you'll be our prime suspect." He denied everything, but the officer just said, "I still know you're doing it." The man wasn't arrested or charged. Just warned that if anything happened to X, he would be the first person they came to question. He left her alone after that.)

 

If you don't think it will lead to a crime against you or your family, then tell her to leave you alone. If she lies about you and your other friends leave, then so be it. They couldn't have been true friends anyway, only acquaintances. And they'll soon learn about her tricks for themselves anyway.

Edited by Garga
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She's not a friend. I knew someone like that, too and I cut her off. If you don't do the same you will continue to live this hell.

 

Are you sure that your daughter needs to maintain the frienship with this woman's daughter? It sounds too toxic to carry on.

 

Just because SHE doesn't have boundries doesn't mean that you shouldn't. In fact, like a pp mentioned, it means that yours need to be even STRONGER.

 

You can't control how she reacts, but you CAN control how you act.

 

ETA: I have a feeling that when she lies about you people know what she is up to. I seriously doubt that YOU are the only person she lies about!

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Basically just agreeing (STRONGLY!) with what's been said:

 

Your dd's friendship with hers is no reason to put up with this. If anything, it's another reason to get away. Model what healthy relationships are, and are *not*, for your daughter.

 

Have some faith in your other friends - I'm sure they do or will see her for what she is and not believe the lies about you. The ones who would believe, are they worth holding on to at so high a price?

 

Tell her your friendship is over and you do not wish to speak to her again. Then don't. Don't answer the phone when she calls, don't open your front door for her. Just be done.

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I would cut her off completely. No Contact. Not between you, your dc, your dh's, your cats and dogs, nothing, nobody, no how, no way. Block her calls and return any mail unopened.

 

I would mention to mutual friends that you have been concerned about the direction of your friendship with X and after discussion with your dh and prayer, believe it is best to not have any contact. If she is the nut case you describe, they will all understand where you're coming from. You might even add that if anything comes up, you would appreciate it if they would contact you directly to hear the truth of what you are doing or saying. I would also tell mutual acquaintances that you would prefer if they would not discuss any details of your life or that of your family with X, because you are trying to cease contact with her. Those who are worth having as friends will do you this courtesy. Those who won't aren't worth having as friends and aren't worth worrying about.

 

I would be calm and polite when speaking of this with friends, no name calling or hysterics or exaggeration, because knowing the nature of people, someone will probably tell X what you have said. If she confronts you, I would calmly tell her that you would be glad to say to her face that which you have told mutual friends and tried to spare her feelings. And then tell it like it is. Tell her to leave you alone, to stay away from you and your family, not to contact you and not to follow you. And if she brings this up in a public setting, I would not hesitate to answer it immediately in the same public setting. Having a bunch of witnesses tends to cut down on the gossip. Everyone will know exactly what you told her, not what devastating things she might tell them you said in a private response.

 

I would speak with the pastor of your new church and let him know that you are having this problem and are trying to take the path of non contact. Let him know that if X begins to attend his church that you will return to your previous church and it has nothing to do with your feelings toward him or the rest of the congregation. Then notify the previous pastor of the same thing. If she keeps following you to churches, I would ask one or both pastors to intervene and ask her to leave you alone.

 

If you suspect any threat of physical harm or legal wrongdoing, I would contact the police. In the meantime, keep written records of the times, dates, etc. that things have happened and who said what to keep it straight in your mind.

 

If she continues to follow you, I would publicly confront her and tell her to leave you alone. If you go non-contact, there is no way she will be buying what you buy or going where you go because she won't know what you are doing. If she is the truly needy person she seems to be, I imagine that she will soon latch onto someone else who will put up with her.

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It seems like whatever you do, she is going to cause you trouble. I think cutting all ties, including between the kids, is your best option. Avoiding her isn't going to keep her away - she may need to be told. And she will probably try to ruin your reputation with mutual friends, spread lies, and who knows what else. Do other people see her craziness, or is it just you? I've had dealings with someone similar, and she was very good at appearing completely normal to most people, including therapists, but my family (specifically my husband) was the one she latched on to, so we saw the real her. We moved, not because of her, but that got rid of the problem for the most part. I stupidly started using facebook, and she managed to friend family members to keep track of us. :001_huh: Facebook is now gone. FWIW, this girl has Borderline Personality Disorder, and reading up on that helped deal with her a bit. Anyway, my point is this - if you have a big blowup with her and let her know that she is out of your life, you may have to suffer afterwards, but she will probably find someone else to gift with her special brand of crazy.

 

ETA: You mentioned how she had to buy what you bought - the girl we had trouble with actually replicated our apartment - same sofa, same entertainment center, similar artwork, etc. It was very creepy.

Edited by dsmith
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crud...typed a big long post and it got eaten up :-(

 

Anyways, if I saw my post would say the EXACT same things you guys are. Here is why I am hesitant.

 

I am not worried about physical harm or losing friends. I am worried about her calling DCFS and conservation officers on us. I babysit school teacher's kids and she is a teacher. We raise deer and my DH is a taxidermist. We have to follow all laws to a "T" Which we do to our knowledge, but you DO NOT want these people poking around your house for invalid reasons. I have seen some horrible cases of innocent people getting sgrewed by these systems.

 

I could lose any and all babysitting jobs (we live in a small town) if word was out whether it be truth or lies, I am done for and I really need my babysitting job. We could run into trouble with our deer. If we are found in violation of the law they have the right to come and put our deer down no questions asked, no rehoming them. We would be devastated.

 

There is too much at risk, IMO. I know the truth will eventually come out in the end, but I am not sure I can risk our pets, my job, and my husbands job because she is psychotic.

 

I just dont know.

 

Its so hard. But this mainly affects me and not my family and I am not sure that I could ask them to risk all that stuff because my "friend" turned otu to be a nutso liar, you know?

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She could lie and ruin your reputation anyway. If you cut things off and already have a restraining order in place, it will do a lot to let people realize that her accusations are not reliable. And since you are willing to move to get away from her, if the worst happens, then you solve it by moving. I think then your husband would be on board. If the worst doesn't happen, then you've solved your overwhelming daily stress.

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crud...typed a big long post and it got eaten up :-(

 

Anyways, if I saw my post would say the EXACT same things you guys are. Here is why I am hesitant.

 

I am not worried about physical harm or losing friends. I am worried about her calling DCFS and conservation officers on us. I babysit school teacher's kids and she is a teacher. We raise deer and my DH is a taxidermist. We have to follow all laws to a "T" Which we do to our knowledge, but you DO NOT want these people poking around your house for invalid reasons. I have seen some horrible cases of innocent people getting sgrewed by these systems.

 

I could lose any and all babysitting jobs (we live in a small town) if word was out whether it be truth or lies, I am done for and I really need my babysitting job. We could run into trouble with our deer. If we are found in violation of the law they have the right to come and put our deer down no questions asked, no rehoming them. We would be devastated.

 

There is too much at risk, IMO. I know the truth will eventually come out in the end, but I am not sure I can risk our pets, my job, and my husbands job because she is psychotic.

 

I just dont know.

 

Its so hard. But this mainly affects me and not my family and I am not sure that I could ask them to risk all that stuff because my "friend" turned otu to be a nutso liar, you know?

 

I am going to pray for this woman...to heal from whatever is causing her to act this way and to leave you & your family alone.

 

I am so sorry. :grouphug:

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Slandering your name is a crime. If you believe she will do that, then doesn't this turn into stalker-ish activity?

 

I wish someone who knows a police officer would give you advice. I am wondering if there's anything that can be done. Probably not, because she hasn't committed a crime yet.

 

But it sounds like you're afraid she will.

 

What does your dh say? Or is he just ignoring it (like men do at times.)

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I've been in a similar situation before (with a guy, not a gal). Just do your best to avoid ANY kind of contact. I know it's hard when you run in the same circles and have mutual friends...but DON'T answer the phone, DON'T reply to emails, sit as far as possible away from her in church. If she tries to speak to you in public, just walk away. If you engage with her it only gets worse. You can tell her ONCE - "Please stay away from me, I will not talk to you." Then, be done with her.

 

It's fine to give a private heads-up to friends or your new pastor - just that you're having personal issues with this particular person and you're doing your best to have no contact with her.

 

I feel your pain, truly. The guy I mentioned above has "stalked" me on and off for over 20 years. The first few months were hell...now he mainly stays on the "fringes". Just keep your cool and avoid, avoid, avoid.

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btdt

 

Oh, and be prepared: Once you behave in a healthy manner with your boundaries, the first lies she will tell you are, "You know, you have really bad boundaries!"

 

I wish for you strength and wisdom in this situation.

 

And many, many hugs!

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

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Thank you for the prayers. That is what I am also doing. My mom says to just lay low, deal, and PRAY like crazy for her.

 

My husband is a very passive man and he just wants me to try and back away as much as possible and deal as best as we can.

 

If we ever felt in danger of physical harm, or if she in anyways is harming the kids we will cut it off. Since she is my problem I am going to try and just deal.

 

I appreciate the comments, I will refer back to them when it gets real tough. I just sometimes have to vent not IRL because there is no one to talk to but my mom. And I love my mom to death but all she says is pray. She is surrounded by crazies and feels God put those people there for her to help and pray for. Stronger woman than I!!!

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I CANT GET AWAY FROM HER. I would actually move due to this, but my DH wont.

 

I am at my wits end. She knows no boundaries and as hard as I try to back away and be cool, the more she trys to take over my life. :crying:

 

:grouphug::grouphug: You may have to cut off the mutual friends. It is hard, but it may be necessary. It isn't fair, but I've had to do it....kicking and screaming, but it was necessary.

 

IME, when someone is a real drama queen/ back stabber, you may end up in a group of "survivors". "Remember the time she X, Y and then Z?" and everyone laughs. But that might be years away.

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