How do you respond to this type of Facebook post?

[msjones]

Okay. One last thought from the OP to clarify my thoughts.

 

I am not objecting in any way to my friend grieving the loss of her mother. And, for the record, I am in the previously mentioned so-called "club" of having experienced the loss of several close family members. I did not intend to suggest that she (or any of you) should grieve (or not) in a certain way.

 

What throws me off is that the 'updates' seem to be 'addressed' to her mother. But they're not written 'to' her mother on her mother's wall -- they come out to all of us on the 'newsfeed.' They say, "Mom, I really ____________." They don't say, "I remember doing _______ with my mom and I really miss that today."

 

So, I was asking about the etiquette of responding to a post that is sort of but not really addressed to me and hundreds of others but also to her late mother on a public social network.

 

Whew!

 

I now know (from all your replies) that I should ignore it or 'like' it or send her a 'hug.'

 

This is why I am not an avid Facebooker. I'm better at phone calls.

[Nestof3]

Yes, I did understand you, and my post addresses this -- not the grieving issue.

 

The space to type in says specifically, "What's on your mind." Obviously, what's on her mind is a need to write to her mother as though she could read it.

 

This is no worse than seeing that someone bought something on Farmville. ;)

 

Okay. One last thought from the OP to clarify my thoughts.

 

I am not objecting in any way to my friend grieving the loss of her mother. And, for the record, I am in the previously mentioned so-called "club" of having experienced the loss of several close family members. I did not intend to suggest that she (or any of you) should grieve (or not) in a certain way.

 

What throws me off is that the 'updates' seem to be 'addressed' to her mother. But they're not written 'to' her mother on her mother's wall -- they come out to all of us on the 'newsfeed.' They say, "Mom, I really ____________." They don't say, "I remember doing _______ with my mom and I really miss that today."

 

So, I was asking about the etiquette of responding to a post that is sort of but not really addressed to me and hundreds of others but also to her late mother on a public social network.

 

Whew!

 

I now know (from all your replies) that I should ignore it or 'like' it or send her a 'hug.'

 

This is why I am not an avid Facebooker. I'm better at phone calls.

[susancollins]

I just lost my grandmother and it makes me feel better when people ask how I am doing and check in with me. I think that is just her way of coping with grief. I would let her do what she needs to do.

[Guest krenken]

I caught myself starting to do that on my brother's birthday. Then I realized that I was 1) talking to someone who couldn't hear me, and 2) sharing my grief publicly and leaving no opening for my friends to respond.

 

I don't believe, theologically, that people in heaven can hear us or watch over us like angels. I'm actually kind of surprised at how many Christians do think that. (I'm willing to hear scriptural arguments on this, if you want to share.)

 

I think it would be more appropriate for those who grieve to say something like, "I am missing my brother today on his birthday." Then friends can express sympathy and share our sorrow if they choose.

 

Maybe you could send a gentle e-mail sympathizing with the grief and encouraging your friend to keep a private journal of letters to her mom.

 

Social media is still so new; our culture is still learning how to use it appropriately. I think we will eventually learn proper boundaries. In the meantime, we can extend grace.

[Mejane]

My brother does this, and many of his friends comment; I think some people feel they need to comment. It makes me uncomfortable as I would never post something so personal. If someone else does, I ignore it.

[texasmama]

{{texasmama}}. Your post brought tears to my eyes. As someone walking in those same shoes, I am often amazed at the profound sense of loss I experience. When someone simply acknowledges my mom, I am touched that someone cares enough to wade in the mire with me. I don't need big long conversations, just a hand to hold as I trip over those potholes of grief.

 

:grouphug: Back at you, Ellen. I feel much the same.

 

Carol

[texasmama]

:iagree:

 

Your post was very insightful texasmama.

 

My mom is still living but I have suffered two major losses: my grandma who was actually my mother figure and my daughter.

 

I know it's hard to understand the grief of others because it's so personal. For me, when I lost my daughter it felt like my world had actually stopped spinning. There were times when I wanted the rest of the world to just stop for a a second with me. I knew other people's world couldn't stop in the way mine had but if they could just stop for a second I felt a measure of comfort.

 

Thank you.:grouphug: to you for your losses. I relate to wanting the world to stop with you.:grouphug:

[texasmama]

Okay. One last thought from the OP to clarify my thoughts.

 

I am not objecting in any way to my friend grieving the loss of her mother. And, for the record, I am in the previously mentioned so-called "club" of having experienced the loss of several close family members. I did not intend to suggest that she (or any of you) should grieve (or not) in a certain way.

 

What throws me off is that the 'updates' seem to be 'addressed' to her mother. But they're not written 'to' her mother on her mother's wall -- they come out to all of us on the 'newsfeed.' They say, "Mom, I really ____________." They don't say, "I remember doing _______ with my mom and I really miss that today."

 

So, I was asking about the etiquette of responding to a post that is sort of but not really addressed to me and hundreds of others but also to her late mother on a public social network.

 

Whew!

 

I now know (from all your replies) that I should ignore it or 'like' it or send her a 'hug.'

 

This is why I am not an avid Facebooker. I'm better at phone calls.

 

I'm sorry for your losses.:grouphug: I'm glad that this thread has helped provide some answers for your dilemma in how to respond to your friend. Facebook is a different sort of animal for many reasons, situations like this included.

[Scarlett]

I caught myself starting to do that on my brother's birthday. Then I realized that I was 1) talking to someone who couldn't hear me, and 2) sharing my grief publicly and leaving no opening for my friends to respond.

 

I don't believe, theologically, that people in heaven can hear us or watch over us like angels. I'm actually kind of surprised at how many Christians do think that. (I'm willing to hear scriptural arguments on this, if you want to share.)

 

I don't either. However, when I read something like that...a person speaking to a dead loved one....I just see it more as an expression of grief than a real attempt to communicate with the dead. I don't even give a thought to what their beliefs are to tell you the truth. I'm thinking of poetry I've written about a person I loved dearly who died....first line is 'I miss you so much in so many ways'....So to me it isn't that weird.

 

Maybe you could send a gentle e-mail sympathizing with the grief and encouraging your friend to keep a private journal of letters to her mom.

 

I absolutely would NOT do this. She already is grieving....no need to add to her pain in anyway...She is posting it on FB because she is reaching out to her friends....I would either offer hugs or 'thinking of you' or silence. To tell her she is grieving wrong would be terrible IMO.

 

Social media is still so new; our culture is still learning how to use it appropriately. I think we will eventually learn proper boundaries. In the meantime, we can extend grace.

 

Yes....I agree.

[katemary63]

I don't believe, theologically, that people in heaven can hear us or watch over us like angels. I'm actually kind of surprised at how many Christians do think that. (I'm willing to hear scriptural arguments on this, if you want to share.).

 

I think it would be more appropriate for those who grieve to say something like, "I am missing my brother today on his birthday." Then friends can express sympathy and share our sorrow if they choose.

 

 

Social media is still so new; our culture is still learning how to use it appropriately. I think we will eventually learn proper boundaries. In the meantime, we can extend grace.

 

Well, I really don't think that speaking directly to a deceased loved one in a Facebook post indicates weather or not one thinks that loved one can actually hear them or is listening. I would do it, and I don't think that. It's just a way of saying you WISH you could talk to this person again and how much you miss being able to talk to them. To me, it's really touching and a bit more personal and I LIKE that it's a bit more personal. Some people WANT to bare their heart and soul to their friends and some people are not uncomfortable when their friends do.

 

And I really don't think your suggestion is "more appropriate" at all. It's just different. Both ways are perfectly fine IMO and get the same point across. The "proper" boundary you have imposed may be more to your liking but isn't at all something I think is some kind of universally right way to express oneself as if the other way crosses some kind of line. It does not, IMO.

[Jeanne in MN]

If she's putting it out there for 500 "friends" to see, I'd probably just let the post go and not respond. It's not always easy to figure out why people do things the way they do; recognizing the intent may be all that really matters.

 

Since you two are both close friends, though, perhaps just recognize that she misses mom and may want to talk about her sometime or want someone to remember her too. Any maybe you already do that. :)

 

 

 

 

Okay. One last thought from the OP to clarify my thoughts.

 

I am not objecting in any way to my friend grieving the loss of her mother. And, for the record, I am in the previously mentioned so-called "club" of having experienced the loss of several close family members. I did not intend to suggest that she (or any of you) should grieve (or not) in a certain way.

 

What throws me off is that the 'updates' seem to be 'addressed' to her mother. But they're not written 'to' her mother on her mother's wall -- they come out to all of us on the 'newsfeed.' They say, "Mom, I really ____________." They don't say, "I remember doing _______ with my mom and I really miss that today."

 

So, I was asking about the etiquette of responding to a post that is sort of but not really addressed to me and hundreds of others but also to her late mother on a public social network.

 

Whew!

 

I now know (from all your replies) that I should ignore it or 'like' it or send her a 'hug.'

 

This is why I am not an avid Facebooker. I'm better at phone calls.

[Peela]

Lol, I think the whole things is just fine. It is a creative form of self expression, to publically acknowledge her grief and appreciation of her mother. I don't see anything even particularly strange about it- Ive seen much wierder stuff on Facebook.

I do understand why someone might find it odd, but "odd" is the new normal with all these new social newtwork things, and blogs and message boards...it's not so odd to be odd or do odd things anymore. The rules have all changed. Its not hurting anyone, so I just shrug.

[mamatanya]

((((Texasmama))))I am so sorry for your loss. My mother died a few weeks ago. (July 15th) I have actually posted quite abit about her on my facebook wall, have wrote to her in her facebook messages, and on her wall. I now talk aloud to her (myself). I miss her so much. I cannot ever talk to her again. She was my best friend.

 

I too, do not expect a reply when I post. Sometimes I update my little daily status and when my heart is crying, mourning, frustrated because I can't ever talk to her again, I post. It's kind of a relief. It's kind of a way for me to get it out. It does mean alot to me when someone does reply back to me, but I have 200 something friends and I happy if I get just one reply. =)

 

OP: I understood what you were saying and I did not think that you were judging your friend. I was thinking that you just did not know how to respond. I think that just sending a hug, prayers, an I love you girl would be appropriate if you are comfortable with that....if not, that's okay too.

[texasmama]

:grouphug: Tanya. Pm me if you want to "talk". Right after my mom passed away, I spoke aloud to her as if she could hear me, sometimes even in public. It was all part of my coming to terms with not being able to talk with her ever again in this world. My mom was my best friend, too.:grouphug:

[littleWMN]

I lost my dad 19 months ago. He too had become one of my best friends. The loss is still profound. I sometimes post about him in my status. I do wonder if I am making others uncomfortable, but I post anyway. I'm pretty much an open book (usually once you get to know me).

 

I have posted pics of him and I shortly before his death, other pictures of him and I, a picture of my son (who was not born until after my dad's death) next to my dad's boots, etc. He was a great part of my life and I see no reason I can't still talk about him.

 

FWIW, I do think it's more awkward when someone addresses the deceased directly, though I have done it on my dad's birthday before - "Happy Birthday, Dad! I miss you!"