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S/O What is an affair of the heart?


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It's when someone is emotionally connected to another person that brings about strong devotion and feelings that they believe to be love .....and certainly could become that. Most affairs start out with some kind of emotional connection and then become physical. An emotional affair can be harder to leave than a physical affair. And for some it can be years/decades before those feelings subside.

 

His Needs, Her Needs explains this very well and how to guard again emotional affairs.

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it probably started out as a friendship. But when you share more with this person than your spouse you have crossed that line and it's an emotional affair. When that person seems to accept you more than your spouse, or that person seems to be more perfect than your current spouse, or when are willing to walk out on your current spouse....it's become more than friendship.

 

It's a very fine line. Very fine.

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it probably started out as a friendship. But when you share more with this person than your spouse you have crossed that line and it's an emotional affair. When that person seems to accept you more than your spouse, or that person seems to be more perfect than your current spouse, or when are willing to walk out on your current spouse....it's become more than friendship.

 

It's a very fine line. Very fine.

 

:iagree:

 

Online affairs could also fall under this umbrella. I've known of a couple marriages that ended when one of the spouses walked out of their marriages to be with a person they met online whom they'd never seen in person.

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:iagree:

 

Online affairs could also fall under this umbrella. I've known of a couple marriages that ended when one of the spouses walked out of their marriages to be with a person they met online whom they'd never seen in person.

 

My xh is married to his. :lol: He met her in person long before they married, but they started as "partners" playing spades on yahoo. It was an affair long before they met.

 

To answer the OP: it's a sexually charged, intimite relationship that is - by vow a and promise - supposed to be shared only with one's committed partner. It can happen at work, in email, in chat rooms, in role playing games, in social settings.

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How does that differ from a good friendship?

 

(I don't mean to criticize anyone at ALL. I'm genuinely curious. I hadn't heard of this concept until recently.)

 

 

Well, you can be in love with someone and never have sex with them. That's gone beyond a deep friendship, though, and one might consider that an "affair." Some people feel that being in love with / loving more than one person is an "affair" whether or not sex takes place. Some people don't limit their capacity for love in that way, though, and to them, it wouldn't be an "affair."

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Hmmm, I never took it to have to mean "cheating" affair. One can have a fling with someone without anybody cheating on anybody.

My "affair of the heart" was a sweet man who did not want to get involved because he wanted children and I did not. We mooned about a bit, and spent plenty of long-walk evenings together, and I certainly remember him fondly, but I got busy in school and we left it go. But we were not cheating on anybody, we just never intended to make it physical. After a few "what if" conversation, we just shared our inner thoughts and bypassed any talk of a future. We never even held hands.

 

I also recall a young man in college who I thought was "out of my league", so I kept my passions very quiet. (Many years later he asked me why I'd never flirted, and I told him, and we both had a very good laugh.) We had many wonderful talks on the dock about poetry, and 2 years later, and 3500 miles away from where we went to school, I bumped into him coming out of The Strand used bookstore in NYC, and he was COMING OUT carrying the book I went there to BUY (Red Dog, Black Dog by Stephen Dobyns, a book of poetry). Even though we never spoke of it, I thought of him as an affair of only my heart. We were both single, too, so it was not a cheat. In this case, we both had crushes, but said nothing, nothing.

 

A man I am still friends with called me when he got engaged to tell me why it wasn't me. I was shocked. We had flirted in college for a week or so, and then settled into solid friendship cemented by years of letter-writing (remember that?). He told me he thought I'd be bored with him, because I was "smart". I told him smart people are never bored, but marry who you please. He had had, with me, some 10 years before marriage, an silent affair of the heart on his own.

 

Perhaps we all, married mostly, and raising children, think of "affairs" as terrible home-wrecking things, but for me, never having lost anyone through one, remember "affairs" as little mini-test runs for a romance when I was much, much younger. :)

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I agree with the other explanations given. I also think, if you are talking, acting, etc. in such a way with an individual, that you wouldn't do if your significant other was around, that is a sign.

 

And when I say talking, I don't mean just the words that are said. But all of the body language, tone, and the thousand other nuances that go into our language.

 

I've had male friends, but my body language is significantly different than it is with my dh. My highest level of intimacy is with dh. When you have an affair of the heart, you start feeling that same level of attachment to another human being. That is dangerous territory.

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I agree with the other explanations given. I also think, if you are talking, acting, etc. in such a way with an individual, that you wouldn't do if your significant other was around, that is a sign.

 

And when I say talking, I don't mean just the words that are said. But all of the body language, tone, and the thousand other nuances that go into our language.

 

I've had male friends, but my body language is significantly different than it is with my dh. My highest level of intimacy is with dh. When you have an affair of the heart, you start feeling that same level of attachment to another human being. That is dangerous territory.

 

:iagree: Exactly. Emotional affairs and cyber affairs cause just as much, and in some cases, far more, pain and hurt as a physical one.

Edited by Paula in PA
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