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S/O from the sex ed thread--Should I opt dd out? (long)


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Dd is going to fifth grade in our public school down the street this year. I'm basically ok with it, and she is, too. In fact, she's looking forward to it, probably because we have been careful to put it in a positive light and shield her from my anxiety about doing so. She loves homeschooling, but trusts our judgement.

 

She's a very "good" girl, high marks, kind, really sweet. I just told her about her period and she has some basic knowledge of human anatomy. She does not know how babies are actually made, iykwim. (I'm trying to limit the "search engine" stuff in this post, I'm not afraid of using the actual words. ;)) We talk easily about stuff, and I'm not a prude, but I am traditional and Christian and believe sex is for marriage. I am all for keeping her informed and yet helping her be a young girl and not a mature woman in her knowledge of the world--iow, appropriate knowledge at an appropriate time, to be determined by me AND her. I would answer any questions. I will also not wait for her to ask if she is getting older and seems to not know.

 

Anyway, do you think I should opt her out of the sx ed that happens in 5th grade, or just let her go to it? I would VASTLY prefer she hear it all from us, and I'd like to wait another year. I don't know how graphic the educational materials are, but I don't think they cover "mechanics" just anatomy, but I'm really not sure. However, they do go into same sex relationships as normal and healthy options, which we do not agree with. I can counter some of that at home, and, like I said, we will talk.

 

I don't know if opting out "brands" her as different, or would make her feel weird, or would have some sort of negative consequence. I don't know if she'd be the only one.

 

What do you think?

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My ds was in ps during 5th grade. My husband wanted to be the one to "have the talk" with him, so we opted him out of the class. He got to go to the library or computer lab during the time of the class. Most of the kids told him he was lucky and that they wished thier parents had done the same.

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If you ask the school they should give you a copy of exactly what they will be teaching. Then you can make a better decision about whether you want to opt-out or can have her take the class but discuss things further with her at home.

 

Whether she takes the class or not, she will probably hear things about it from her friends at school.

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If you are unsure I would ask to look at the materials they are using and who is giving the talk. Planned Parenthood gave our talk and I learned things I still don't need to know as an adult.

 

ETA: I agree with others who have said that if you opt her out you really need to have the talk with her now before she hears it in school.

Edited by kwiech
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Whether you do it yourself or let her go to the class... if you are putting her in public school, I would have the talk now if you really want her to learn from you. Otherwise she'll hear it from her classmates.

 

A friend of mine has a 7 year old little girl. She was in first grade last year. Throughout the year she told us that a boy in her class had asked a girl to come over and give him a b**wjob. :001_huh: Then she came home one day asking us what a lesbian was, because someone in the class said they were one. Another day, two friends of hers told her they were bi.

Again... this is first grade.

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A friend of mine has a 7 year old little girl. She was in first grade last year. Throughout the year she told us that a boy in her class had asked a girl to come over and give him a b**wjob. :001_huh: Then she came home one day asking us what a lesbian was, because someone in the class said they were one. Another day, two friends of hers told her they were bi.

Again... this is first grade.

 

My daughter was a 7 year old the 6 months she was in PS and I could not believer the things she came home and said she had heard- This is pretty tame compared to what she heard. Personally I would opt out- but my kids need to learn the truth from us- not from a "nurse" at school.

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In our school district, sex ed is in 4th grade (they bumped it down from 5th b/c girls were starting their periods earlier) and it includes the WHOLE ball of wax.

 

I'd have opted my child out of it. I want our conversations about sex to be within the framework of relationship, morals, values, etc. and not just a scientific discussion.

 

I've had the talk with my daughter and if she was going into ps where she would have the chance to take sex ed, I would STILL opt her out.

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If you ask the school they should give you a copy of exactly what they will be teaching. Then you can make a better decision about whether you want to opt-out or can have her take the class but discuss things further with her at home.

 

:iagree:

 

Then you will at least know what you are judging/censoring.

 

The last "sex ed" curriculum I looked at was for the older brother (in public school) of the girls I nannied/homeschooled. Throughout the program, the student had assignments that MUST BE SIGNED BY PARENTS to complete. These assignments consisted of "Discuss with your child your family's values/views on premarital sex," or gay sex, or birth control, or whatever.

 

I am jealous that the big brother had such an opportunity for these discussions with his parents. My parents sent me to the class at public school and never approached the subject with me again. They made it very taboo to even mention the subject, let alone ask specific questions.

 

Thank goodness I had a library card! Well, I knew I couldn't bring such books of a taboo subject into my parents' house...but I could read them at the library!

 

I would not wish the same struggles for education about one's own body for your child.

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When I taught fifth grade, I think maybe one student had parents who opted her out. Honestly, she was already branded by the other kids as "odd" so this was just one more thing.

 

If you want to be the one to have the talk, you had probably better go ahead and do it. Otherwise, she will be told by classmates before the class ever takes place.

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We start talking to our kids about sex when they are 5. It's very tame and mild, but our 9 year old has gotten quite a bit of information at his level. Mainly because of the public school sex-ed classes already happening at these ages. If his friends know about it, they'll talk about it and we want him to hear it from us first. Unfortunately, it's a little young, but his buddies are hearing it young. I would have a good talk with your daughter because even if you opt out, she's still around all those other kids who didn't get opted out. We've used:

 

The wonderful way babies are made by Larry Christenson

 

How God makes babies by Jim Burns (which tells everything basically including the mechanics of it all).

 

Beth

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Thanks, everyone.

 

I don't know what to think. I may keep her home and use those days as special times to talk.

But those of you who said she will hear it anyway are correct, of course. I know she likes a particular boy already--he is the brother of her dearest friend, and actually, it would be a good match :D but of course I'm kidding on that.

 

Gone are the innocent days--but at least she can embrace purity. It's hard to see your youngest grow up. Good, but hard.

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I don't know if opting out "brands" her as different, or would make her feel weird, or would have some sort of negative consequence. I don't know if she'd be the only one.

 

What do you think?

 

I was the one and only kid in school whose parents would not sign the consent form for the sex ed classes. So while *everyone* else was in that, I was sitting alone in the library. I was mortified! It was terribly embarrassing, and I felt like it labeled *me* somehow, even though it wasn't my choice. And what was taught in the class was pretty much the *only* topic of conversation at lunch and between classes for the next several days -- so I heard it all anyway, only filtered through 12-year olds instead of from an adult perspective. So, personally, I'm going to have to say you wouldn't really be doing her many favors by keeping her out.

 

That said, though, sex ed classes are a lot different now (I gather) than when I was in school, more years ago than I care to admit. So you do have to take that into consideration. Also, I really think you should just ask her how she feels about it. It may be that she is the opposite of me, and would feel more embarrassed being *in* the class - or she might be nervous about the thought of being singled out since she's "the new kid" as it is. I'd just talk to her, see how she feels about it. You can let her know that they are going to teach some things that you disagree with, and that you would like to discuss those with her after she takes the class (or before if that's better). But open the lines of communication on the issue now, and I think that's probably the best thing you can do for her.

 

:grouphug:

Edited by GretaLynne
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. Also, I really think you should just ask her how she feels about it. It may be that she is the opposite of me, and would feel more embarrassed being *in* the class - or she might be nervous about the thought of being singled out since she's "the new kid" as it is. I'd just talk to her, see how she feels about it. You can let her know that they are going to teach some things that you disagree with, and that you would like to discuss those with her after she takes the class (or before if that's better). But open the lines of communication on the issue now, and I think that's probably the best thing you can do for her.

 

:grouphug:

 

I think I will ask her. Thanks GL.

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Even fairly sheltered homeschooled children tend to hear things from other kids. When my DD was 7, she came home from a summer camp and told me that one of the girls has two moms, and that that is just as normal as having a mom and a dad, and that the two moms are married. She learned this from the girl herself, during one of the class breaks. I had not discussed this kind of topic with her before, although I'm pretty forthcoming with information because of my belief that it's best to get there first with my own version, but we talked about it some after that. I toured a private parent participation coop elementary school and heard a presentation to a first grade class about discrimination against gay marriage, which the kids really didn't know how to deal with.

 

I'm not saying these things to shock you, just to let you know that the 'normal' things that children hear in public and many private settings are quite different from when we were growing up. My guess is that if you want to have 'the talk' with your child yourself the first time they hear it, you should do it now, before school starts.

 

BTW, if you want a warm, loving, Christian, conservative, Biblical viewpoint to convey, I STRONGLY recommend the s*x ed books from Concordia Publishing House.

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You could keep her home those days so she doesn't have to leave the room for the class.

 

In our schools, sex ed is part of health class which is an entire 1/4 of the year (instead of gym). Missing that many days would probably keep the kid from advancing to the next grade. Not to mention, all the work that would be missed in her other classes may be hard to make up.

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My dd went last year in 5th grade and honestly she didn't learn anything that she didn't already know. She wasn't embarassed as she already knew everything that they covered. It really didn't seem to phase her at all. Of course, I think our school only covered basic human biology, changes throughout puberty and such. I was ok with everything. I agree with pp though, if you have any doubts ask to see the course plan.

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If she's not in school on those days, the other kids will fill her in on everything that was discussed.....and add their own material as well. If she doesn't know the mechanics before then....she certainly will afterwards. And every variant thereof. :glare:

 

Diane W.

married for 22 years

homeschooling 3 kiddos for 16 years

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One of my concerns would be whether or not the boys will be separated from the girls during the classes. If the class was mixed, I would say no.

 

As far as opting out, that is up to you. I have a friend who did opt out, but also kept her son home that day. They spent the entire day with anatomy books she had checked out and discussed it all and how it worked. She also make it a point to teach him all the slang for sex and body parts so he would know what other people were saying as well, especially since kids (and adults) sometimes use the slang in very derrogatory ways and she didn't want him to blindly repeat it at some point. She said it was embarassing and difficult but since that day he is actually really open with her and his dad about the topics. She calls that openness an unexpected blessing and has since handled the sex ed days the same way with her younger children.

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I agree with a lot of what is being said here. If it were me, I'd talk to DD on my own, but then let her go to the class. Like others have said, it will be the topic of conversation for awhile, and I'd much rather my daughter hear about it from adults than children (as long as she's heard it from ME first!!)

 

It is a tough decision no doubt. :grouphug: It is hard watching them grow up!!

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Dd is going to fifth grade in our public school down the street this year. I'm basically ok with it, and she is, too. In fact, she's looking forward to it, probably because we have been careful to put it in a positive light and shield her from my anxiety about doing so. She loves homeschooling, but trusts our judgement.

 

She's a very "good" girl, high marks, kind, really sweet. I just told her about her period and she has some basic knowledge of human anatomy. She does not know how babies are actually made, iykwim. (I'm trying to limit the "search engine" stuff in this post, I'm not afraid of using the actual words. ;)) We talk easily about stuff, and I'm not a prude, but I am traditional and Christian and believe sex is for marriage. I am all for keeping her informed and yet helping her be a young girl and not a mature woman in her knowledge of the world--iow, appropriate knowledge at an appropriate time, to be determined by me AND her. I would answer any questions. I will also not wait for her to ask if she is getting older and seems to not know.

 

Anyway, do you think I should opt her out of the sx ed that happens in 5th grade, or just let her go to it? I would VASTLY prefer she hear it all from us, and I'd like to wait another year. I don't know how graphic the educational materials are, but I don't think they cover "mechanics" just anatomy, but I'm really not sure. However, they do go into same sex relationships as normal and healthy options, which we do not agree with. I can counter some of that at home, and, like I said, we will talk.

 

I don't know if opting out "brands" her as different, or would make her feel weird, or would have some sort of negative consequence. I don't know if she'd be the only one.

 

What do you think?

 

I would definitely opt out. Great day for a field trip to a museum, doctor or dentist appointments, and if any of the kids should happen to ask her where she was, she could say she went to a museum, or had a dentist appointment or whatever, and that would probably be the end of it. It's probably only other kids whose parents opted out who would know the likely reason for her absence. I've always wondered though how much of it gets discussed by other students in the lunch room, at recess, or where ever. Maybe a week long vacation is best - educational of course. :D

 

ETA: After I posted, I went back and read the thread. :tongue_smilie: So my advice is useless since it's for much longer than a day. I wish you well with whatever you decide.

Edited by Teachin'Mine
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I have a boy who just finished 5th grade and I didn't opt him out. He has always known what it was (sadly, mostly from science documentaries and the ensuing discussion with me) but is otherwise very sheltered for a schooled kid. Doesn't watch inappropriate TV or movies, plays with toys at almost 12, just a totally sweet kid. I did not pull him and he did fine. I think it is good for him to know this info and we/I couple it with a discussion at home about values.

 

His close friends seem as naive as he does, but there were some kids at school "dating".

 

I do sort of wish I'd pulled him from the drug education. I found out somewhat after the fact that there were some sort of horrifying movies. Again, I'm fine with the education but he doesn't need shock value.

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I would go get the material from the district. My district has special nights for parents to come and and get the material and watch any videos, but you can also go to a district office and pick up the stuff any time. I'd go over the material now. And I'd ad my family's religious or moral viewpoint too. Then I'd let her decide to attend and tell it is up to her with the knowledge that if she chooses not to attend she may be the only one opting out. And I'd talk again each night during the unit.

 

I'm in the same state as you and I think the curriculum is statewide. My dd started public school last in grade 6. The classes were separated by sex. Only one child did not go to classes. I think she went to the library. When I was in school and my mom opted me out I had to stay in the classroom with the boys. Back then the class was only one session it was just about menstruation. Anyway, the sixth grade information this year was quite extensive, but in a way mechanical/sterile. They did cover STDs. The main message my dd seemed to get from the teacher (it was taught by a 6th grade teacher, not a school nurse) is that everyone should wait to experience it because the consequences could be quite awful. It wasn't a moral or religious message about it, but it still pushed what we've been trying to emphasize at home.

 

Your dd will hear about this whether or not you keep her home or opt her out. You do want to be the one to talk about it first. So, whether or not you opt out, you probably should get the material and go over it with your family's viewpoint.

 

 

Another thing to keep in mind is how many days the unit will take. My dds class I think had 5 sessions. You may not want to pull your dd from school that many days. And you may find you have trouble figuring out the days because it might be scheduled everyother day or some odd order of days around other school programs. So, planning on missing school may not work out. I knew what days b/c dd told me when she went to Ms. R's room while the boys went to Mr.P's room.

Edited by betty
extra point
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My sister just had her child in grade 1, plus 5 other classmates molested by a group of grade 5 kids in the same school. she went to the police, and was told it was perfectly normal behaviour for grade 5 children to act out what they learn in sex ed. My sister was horrified, the police said there is nothing they can do, ads they were grade 5 students and only 9. children 9 and under cannot be charged. My sister shifted her children to a different school. It was pretty upsetting for the whole family.

 

I wonder how necessary it is to have sex ed for grade 5.

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My sister just had her child in grade 1, plus 5 other classmates molested by a group of grade 5 kids in the same school. she went to the police, and was told it was perfectly normal behaviour for grade 5 children to act out what they learn in sex ed. My sister was horrified, the police said there is nothing they can do, ads they were grade 5 students and only 9. children 9 and under cannot be charged. My sister shifted her children to a different school. It was pretty upsetting for the whole family.

 

I wonder how necessary it is to have sex ed for grade 5.

 

This is simply not developmentally accurate. (That they "act out" information shared in a class about sex and force non-mutual physical interaction).

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Dd is going to fifth grade in our public school down the street this year. I'm basically ok with it, and she is, too. In fact, she's looking forward to it, probably because we have been careful to put it in a positive light and shield her from my anxiety about doing so. She loves homeschooling, but trusts our judgement.

 

She's a very "good" girl, high marks, kind, really sweet. I just told her about her period and she has some basic knowledge of human anatomy. She does not know how babies are actually made, iykwim. (I'm trying to limit the "search engine" stuff in this post, I'm not afraid of using the actual words. ;)) We talk easily about stuff, and I'm not a prude, but I am traditional and Christian and believe sex is for marriage. I am all for keeping her informed and yet helping her be a young girl and not a mature woman in her knowledge of the world--iow, appropriate knowledge at an appropriate time, to be determined by me AND her. I would answer any questions. I will also not wait for her to ask if she is getting older and seems to not know.

 

Anyway, do you think I should opt her out of the sx ed that happens in 5th grade, or just let her go to it? I would VASTLY prefer she hear it all from us, and I'd like to wait another year. I don't know how graphic the educational materials are, but I don't think they cover "mechanics" just anatomy, but I'm really not sure. However, they do go into same sex relationships as normal and healthy options, which we do not agree with. I can counter some of that at home, and, like I said, we will talk.

 

I don't know if opting out "brands" her as different, or would make her feel weird, or would have some sort of negative consequence. I don't know if she'd be the only one.

 

What do you think?

 

 

You could opt out, but like other posters have mentioned, she is going to be hearing a LOT of things about sex in ps that you probably hadn't bargained for. She'll likely get a far more graphic education from her peers than from any sex ed class, so it might be a good pro-active move to have the discussions you want her to hear BEFORE she goes to ps. At least then, she'll have your version of it to compare to whatever she hears in school.

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This is simply not developmentally accurate. (That they "act out" information shared in a class about sex and force non-mutual physical interaction).

I agree. But what can you do when the school won't acknowledge that anything happened, and the police class it as "normal" ? where else do you go for help? the whole situation was very disturbing.

 

Unfortunately my sister cannot homeschool due to her extreme health issues, so has shifted her children to a different school.

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