When family hurts you -

[rafiki]

.

[Nakia]

I'm right there with you. No advice, just :grouphug:

[SailorMom]

I have basically been alienated from my entire side of the family (except for one aunt and a cousin who still emails) due to a sociopathic sister. Started back in Dec.

Try to move on, forgive them - it is healthier for yourself. Upi need to immediately start firmly placing boundaries where they may have been missing. Do not worry about hurting feelings - you need to do what is right for you and your family.

Find ways of replacing the supportive relationships you may have had with them if those have been damaged.

Good luck - it takes time. A lot of time.

[MariannNOVA]

I'm sorry.

 

I hear you.

 

Moving forward and defining boundaries don't mean you will not feel hhurt any longer -- but they are necessary steps.........the hurt, well, living in the present moment helps so that you are not dredging up hurtful feelings from things in the past (does that make sense?).

 

'Present Moment Awareness' by Shannon Duncan (I think that's her name) is an excellent read about an effective way to handle this stuff.:grouphug:

[Harry Nelson in Charlotte]

This is from a Christian worldview:

 

While there can certainly be blessings from a functional and functioning extended family, your primary obligation is to your immediate family.

 

It is perfectly reasonable (and the right thing to do) to protect yourself and your family from toxic extended family.

 

Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. have no rights to your family that supercede your and your husband's. One shouldn't be draw too tight of a fence. If you're only meeting at Christmas once per year anyway, it's OK if your kids hang out with their cousins of ill repute under some reasonable supervision.

 

But, no one else has the right to your family's time, attendance, or attention above what you think is best.

 

Understandable to feel a sadness. My own father divorced my Mom after 30 yrs of marriage, and completely blew out of all of our lives. He moved to TX (from SC) and married a Methodist minister whom he met on the internet. She had her own children, and my Dad got an instant new family, and no longer made any effort with ours. He doesn't even know half my kids names. (OK, I've got 8 - so it's no easy task, but he's the grandfather). Breaks my heart.

 

So, sadness, yes. But, don't let it be debilitating, else that family member will still be robbing your family through your distraught emotions. But, guilt, no.

 

My two cents.

[cassiemc]

It is really hard. Right now, I'm limiting contact. I have to keep bad influences away from my family. I'm tired of being hurt.

[Kathleen in VA]

This is from a Christian worldview:

 

While there can certainly be blessings from a functional and functioning extended family, your primary obligation is to your immediate family.

 

It is perfectly reasonable (and the right thing to do) to protect yourself and your family from toxic extended family.

 

Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. have no rights to your family that supercede your and your husband's. One shouldn't be draw too tight of a fence. If you're only meeting at Christmas once per year anyway, it's OK if your kids hang out with their cousins of ill repute under some reasonable supervision.

 

But, no one else has the right to your family's time, attendance, or attention above what you think is best.

 

Understandable to feel a sadness. My own father divorced my Mom after 30 yrs of marriage, and completely blew out of all of our lives. He moved to TX (from SC) and married a Methodist minister whom he met on the internet. She had her own children, and my Dad got an instant new family, and no longer made any effort with ours. He doesn't even know half my kids names. (OK, I've got 8 - so it's no easy task, but he's the grandfather). Breaks my heart.

 

So, sadness, yes. But, don't let it be debilitating, else that family member will still be robbing your family through your distraught emotions. But, guilt, no.

 

My two cents.

 

:iagree:Your first obligation is your own family. You cannot control how others behave. You can only control your repsonses. As a Christian, I know I have to forgive others, but that does not mean I must remain in close contact with them.

 

I can't tell from your post if you are referring to extended family or those with whom you live. If it is the latter, then it will be much more difficult, obviously. But the truth is you still cannot control others - you must work on your own responses. As long as we are in this world, people will fail us (and we will fail others as well). There is no perfect family. The closest I can think of is a family that learns how to overlook one another's faults and is able to forgive each other when they don't measure up.

 

If you are talking about something criminal, though, you may need to make some drastic changes. Like I said, it's hard to tell from your post exactly what is the problem so hard to offer advice on how to handle it.

 

:grouphug:

[katemary63]

First of all, know that you are not alone. So many of us have been hurt by family. It's so very, very sad.

 

We have found it necessary to almost eliminate contact with my DH's parents, and they live adjacent to our farm! They share the same drive way. But my MIL is NPD to the nines and we just can't take it anymore. FIL is her devoted enabler. We just don't go up to their house, (they never did come down here without an invitation). We wave as they pass, we answer the phone and interact as briefly as possible. We decline any invitation they extend us including holidays. It's been 8 months. It hurts, but it's the only way to stay healthy. We have not confronted her on her latest behavior (the perverbial last straw) but my DH says he will soon. He's just has to calm down. (It's been 8 months!)

 

My DH's sister has gotten mad at him over MIL. We don't know why exactly, she won't say. It's not because we aren't seeing MIL anymore, it happened before that. But SIL is no longer speaking to us and we were not invited to her daughter's wedding which was this past Saturday. They didn't even invite our adult daughter, who grew up close to her cousin and lives near them. I guess she is guilty by association. She has done nothing. This hurt is very difficult. DH has always been close to his sister. He has phoned and emailed expressing love and a desire to talk things out/ apologize or what ever it is she wants. SIL will not even talk to him or answer back. He has no idea why she is angry. We can only assume that MIL has poisoned her with lies (as usual) but we thought that SIL recognized the NPD and wouldn't listen. Apparently we were wrong. All we can do is pray for her and hope that one day she wants to reconcile. We will be open to listen, but definately more reserved from now on.

 

I am totally estranged from my biological father due to childhood abuse. My mother is so disfunctional that I only have a casual, limited relationship with her.

 

We have very little interaction with any extended family and it is sometimes depressing. However, we have found strenth and support in our church family. We've got many mothers, fathers, sisters and bothers to choose from thanks to our relationship in Christ. This has made all the difference in the world. God can fill ALL the gaps left by hurtful or toxic biological family. I know. He has done this for me.

 

Also, the six of us (DH, me and the 4 kids) often talked about the difficulties we've faced because of family and have made it a personal family goal to work hard on our relationships, talk things over, apologize, forgive, deal with issues and love each other unconditionally and selflessly. The six of us are a team and we can trust in that and have confidence in that. In the end, it matters the most. We plan to leave a new legacy for the extended family to come that does not include selfishness, abuse, enmeshment, codependency, anger, bitterness or grudges. We plan to leave a legacy of love for all the Harmons to come and that simple fact brightens my spirits and gives me hope!

[MommaOfThree]

:grouphug:I'm right there with you too. My family isnt very supportive of our decisions (both w/hsing and my dh's law enforcement career), so we feel alienated quite often.

 

My biological father hasnt had any contact w/me or my kids in about 5years .. I see him on occasion in town & I'm not quite sure he even recognizes me because I've probably lost approx 30lbs since I last saw him.

 

My father whom I considered to be my real dad died when I was pregnant w/my dd (2003) and I still suffer from that loss. My Mom became a "teenager" of sorts after he died & doesnt have much to do w/my kids or myself.

 

I think life can be difficult w/families, but everyone else is right .. Taking care of our hubbies & kids is far more important than any of the other family-stuff. We have to learn to be content w/our immediate family - - -Which I am still struggling with myself.

:grouphug:

[Holly IN]

Going through this right now....It has been an ongoing decision since December of 2009. My dh side family have no respect for me. Big blow up happened at their house and it was a communication issue between my inlaws (mom and dad). MIL told me the time we were to be there but FIL told the others 2 hours prior to our time. Anyway long story short....we arrived with no food avail to us even though I bought several dishes. I was in tears and was very angry. I was alienated the rest of the day. My dh was not happy about it. Few days later I got a nasty email from my dh's sil. It was down right mean and nasty. So because of all this....my dh has stopped contacts between me and them. He still talks to his parents but had a meeting with them about their treatment of me. He is still frustrated. So we have limited contact with his whole family. I basically just stay away from them to prevent toxic relationships forming. This sil is very toxic to all of us even to dh's parents but yet they readily forgive her for everything....

 

Anyway been there many times with them. What happened this past December really put the end of it all. Sadly....

 

You and your hubby have to decide what is best for your family.

 

Holly

[duckens]

:grouphug: for us all on this thread.

[G5052]

What is best for you, your immediate family, and the person(s) causing the trouble?

 

Sometimes putting some distance and setting boundaries is actually the best for all concerned. You care, so it hurts, but use that to forge healthy relationships with those who need it and that you can interact with on balanced terms.

 

I have all of one relative on my side that I talk to on a regular basis that I can pour my heart out to. It's painful every time I think about it, but I can't neglect my family to spend my days trying to please controlling relatives with questionable mental health.

[Denisemomof4]

The first step to healing and moving beyond where you are now is to accept your relationship(s) right where they are now. Don't look at them as to what you wanted them to be, what they SHOULD be, but what they are right now. Then you can work from that point on.

 

You decide what your boundaries will be, and then you stick to them. No matter what. You don't have to be rude while enforcing them, but you DO have to be firm. Do NOT give in to weakness but remain strong in keeping the boundaries.

 

After that, learn to focus on the positive relationships you DO have. Don't keep stuck in a negative thought process. I allowed my pain to rule over me for decades. It was such a waste of time!

 

I had an empty childhood. I felt unloved in my family. My father was very close to my brother, my mother and my sister were inseparable. I felt love and acceptance by my friends. Feeling unloved and like a third wheel in my own family was painful for me as a kid and affected me for decades. Even now I don't deal with rejection well. Anyway, as I got older and more popular, I had many friends and started to date. My parents were never happy for me. Instead they would tell me how sad they felt for my sister because she didn't date or didn't go out much, etc. If my sister and I ever had an argument, my parents *ALWAYS* sided with her, even knowing that I never stood up to her. My sister was VERY mean to me. My mother and aunt would get upset at me for me not standing up to her, and then got even more upset when I did later in life. My sister is very, very, very difficult. She's diagnosed as bipolar, which I believe she has, but there's something more to it and I don't know what, but I can't have her in my life unless we can have a peaceful relationship. I haven't spoken to her since February, and it's been VERY peaceful. The sad thing, though, is that my only other relatives are my brother, also mentally ill, and my aunt, whom was like a second mother to me. Since my sister and I have stopped talking, my aunt has cut me off. I have NO IDEA why and it pains me and angers me.

 

When I was pregnant with the first grandchild, my sister, after initially being excited for me, cut me off entirely because the jealousy and hurt she felt were too much so she just cut me out of her life. She wouldn't return my calls or anything. My mother eventually called me and told me that my sister was upset because she was spending too much time with me (we were shopping for the baby, the baby's room, etc.) and that she couldn't see me as much anymore. I lived 10 minutes away from my mother, my sister lived over an hour away. The scars from that moment remained for way too long. The pain from this was so intense that I allowed it to diminish some of my happiness over having a baby.

 

When I was a mother for awhile and starting to feel depressed at the lack of a relationship between my parents and son, I decided that I had my family now, my husband and baby, and I needed to focus on that and heal.

 

It took me years but I was finally able to forgive my parents (silently, I never could talk to them about what they did to me, they always denied it all) and we went on to have a beautiful relationship for 10 years before they died. We got closer than I ever dreamed we could have. It only COULD happen because of the first two steps I told you about above. I also read the book and did the bible study called Boundaries by Trent and Townsend. It was LIFE CHANGING for me.

 

In the end, I moved my mother into my home and cared for her until she died, right here in my home. I cherish the time we had. I wasn't prepared for my childhood pain to reappear as my mother lashed out at me (she had end stage dementia so I didn't take it personally, mostly, but still....... she did talk to me like that as a kid.) but I learned that although I had forgiven and I had made peace with my past, there will always be times when something is still going to return and sting.

[Tess in the Burbs]

your family is you, your dh and your children.

everyone else is extended family.

 

Focus on your immediately family. I finally had to draw boundaries and basically we no longer call. I send birthday and christmas cards. They call randomly but less than 6 times a year. They show up once a year to visit. We did visit last year but will not anytime again soon. That was a horrid trip and I think dh knows better than to think about it again! LOL Seriously, we only see my mom regularly. My dad is another once a year visit.

 

Once I cut those consistent ties life got better. They know we are distant people and over time have come to pretty much leave us alone. It was hard to accept that is how it will be, but the drama when there was involvement wasn't worth the involvement you know?

 

stop calling. stop visiting. send cards. they get the point eventually.

[AuntieM]

:iagree:Your first obligation is your own family. You cannot control how others behave. You can only control your repsonses. As a Christian, I know I have to forgive others, but that does not mean I must remain in close contact with them.

 

I can't tell from your post if you are referring to extended family or those with whom you live. If it is the latter, then it will be much more difficult, obviously. But the truth is you still cannot control others - you must work on your own responses. As long as we are in this world, people will fail us (and we will fail others as well). There is no perfect family. The closest I can think of is a family that learns how to overlook one another's faults and is able to forgive each other when they don't measure up.

 

If you are talking about something criminal, though, you may need to make some drastic changes. Like I said, it's hard to tell from your post exactly what is the problem so hard to offer advice on how to handle it.

 

:grouphug:

:iagree:

Another bit of excellent advice from Kathleen.

 

I recognize in myself the tendencies to become defensive, to respond with unfit words, to come home and muse on unprofitable thoughts... so, while I strive to reach this point of forgiveness of which Kathleen speaks, I also take care to limit interactions with certain members of our extended family. I think of it as a sort of "fleeing from temptation" (though I know that passage of 1 Corinthians is specifically addressing sexual immorality, I believe it helpful to resist certain situations which surely will not result in good thoughts toward others on my part). Perhaps today this is more popularly called setting "boundaries." I do not mean that they are completely avoided, but I do think long on the possible outcomes before making certain commitments.

[Rhea]

No answers here, I just wanted to give you :grouphug:

[Snickerdoodle]

:grouphug:

[meet me in paris]

I'm going through something similar right now, too... stay strong! :grouphug:

[Mommy22alyns]

:grouphug::grouphug: I can relate too... it was a bad summer.

[jld]

Just be grateful you live in a country and an economy where adult relationships are voluntary and can be based on respect. And do what you need to do!:)