constant attention?

[marie33]

I battle this issue on a daily basis!

 

My ds is in CONSTANT need of my attention, as I am sure a lot of you experience. But I also have two younger ones to care for besides him...and I can tell he wishes he was an only child much of the time.

 

What do you all do to balance this need for your children?

On the one hand, I feel like I should be providing the attention ds "needs", but I honestly don't know how much of it he needs and how much he can handle getting through things alone.

As you know, our children are usually pretty emotionally intense, and I feel like in telling my ds to find something to do independently that he feels let down. I don't want to disappoint him but he also needs some boundaries with my time.

 

I am also afraid that if I set aside a certain time every day to spend with him one-on-one (other than homeschooling), that I won't be able to stick to it with the other kids having needs, etc. I also find that no matter how much I give my attention, ds always needs more! He is super insatiable...what do I do?

 

Thanks.

[Embassy]

I battle this issue on a daily basis!

 

My ds is in CONSTANT need of my attention, as I am sure a lot of you experience. But I also have two younger ones to care for besides him...and I can tell he wishes he was an only child much of the time.

 

What do you all do to balance this need for your children?

On the one hand, I feel like I should be providing the attention ds "needs", but I honestly don't know how much of it he needs and how much he can handle getting through things alone.

As you know, our children are usually pretty emotionally intense, and I feel like in telling my ds to find something to do independently that he feels let down. I don't want to disappoint him but he also needs some boundaries with my time.

 

I am also afraid that if I set aside a certain time every day to spend with him one-on-one (other than homeschooling), that I won't be able to stick to it with the other kids having needs, etc. I also find that no matter how much I give my attention, ds always needs more! He is super insatiable...what do I do?

 

Thanks.

 

BTDT and bought the t-shirt! It changed quite a bit when my son started reading to learn. Now reading helps fill his insatiable need to know. Surfing information based sites on the internet also helps. He still comes and tells me everything he learns in detail though :)

 

Also I started formal seatwork with him when he was 5.5 because he needed me to fill his brain with challenging activities rather than just provide opportunities for his brain to be filled. I hope that makes sense. The one-on-one homeschooling really helped "fill him up" so he wasn't so "needy."

[Quad Shot Academy]

All you can do is give the time you have! My son was like that, but once he started reading he was much less needy. He was reading Nancy Drew and the equivalent non-fiction in 1st grade. Although he also likes to spend a lot of time telling me what he has learned. ;)

[marie33]

My son (4yo) does read, and he reads very well! We also have enough books I think to keep him plenty occupied, we even get things from the library. I have just not been consistent in setting aside reading time to develop a habit of reading for him. He does like to read, but also seems to need somebody to receive the story or information other than himself when he reads. Maybe we should work on quiet time and silent reading each day. But man, enforcing these things and being consistent when there's babies and other kids is soooo tough!

 

Yesterday we checked out a book about germs at the library because ds was recently sick and wanted to know what the "buggies" in his body looked like. However, upon getting the book home, he demanded that I sit with him and go through it! And he is bored by the books in the kids section on these things, so we always have to get an adult book, a lot more in depth and a little over ds's head. He will then want me next to him to answer questions he has when he gets stumped by something in the adult book.

 

Yep, can you say frustrating? I no more feel like I have done a good job providing for his needs by getting him to library and finding something stimulating....and then he still needs me! Yikes!

 

And the times I have devoted to schoolwork (when it's not summertime), he is still after me for attention later in the day.

 

I think it's probably time to get out a big chart and start filling in the spaces of time in the day with activities that he can do with and without me! I'm just afraid I won't stick to it. :001_huh: But better than not trying!

 

Thanks you guys!

I was lol-ing with the T-shirt comment!

[MissKNG]

Maybe we should work on quiet time and silent reading each day. !

 

My big girl is required to go to quiet time every day when I put my small girl to nap. It's a fight every.single.day. but I'm consistent (she stopped napping at 27 months too). One thing I found helpful was to let her "know" when quiet time was coming. Like for example, after lunch, I'll let her watch a show and tell her that when the show is over, it's time for quiet time. That way, she knows exactly when she has to go in. I also let her pick what she wants to bring with her - books, coloring, toys, etc. When she does start a fuss, I remind her that she goes to quiet time every day. I get about 45 minutes out of it....better than nothing!!

 

Also, I want to tell you that I've been reading your posts with such great interest because your kiddo sounds so much like mine! :auto:

 

ETA: Both girls are incredibly demanding for attention, interaction and challenge. I get so worn out!!

[dcurry]

Sounds like he's old enough and responsible enough to actually *help* you with your day. You could have him read stories to your toddler, get stories on tape from the library and show him how to turn them on by himself, he could help you change the laundry, fold & put away his and his siblings clothes, etc. I'd take advantage of his wanting to be with you. I'd also make sure that he had a "quiet time" each day to give you a break. Each day after lunch for an hour or so he needs to be quietly on his bed, either reading quietly or resting. It would be tiring, but if you involve him with the things you are doing and need to be doing, even helping to entertain the little ones, it will benefit you both.

[Lisa in the UP of MI]

Definitely work on finding a good rhythm to your days. My oldest is a people person. She would prefer to be with another person or multiple people all day and be interacting with them. She (and I!) need a break, even though she doesn't think so. She has a quiet time every day in her room or another quiet place when her room is not available. I allow her to bring books and she can also do other quiet things depending on where she is. DS usually plays with Legos during his quiet time, then takes a nap. This is after he previously fought naps. If everyone has quiet times or nap times you should be able to make one-on-one time with everyone, even if it's not everyday. If you can't make this work, get your dh to help you. I or dh spend a short amount of time with each child at bedtime to pray with them, tell stories, talk about our day, etc. Our kids love this!

[Embassy]

My son (4yo) does read, and he reads very well! We also have enough books I think to keep him plenty occupied, we even get things from the library. I have just not been consistent in setting aside reading time to develop a habit of reading for him. He does like to read, but also seems to need somebody to receive the story or information other than himself when he reads. Maybe we should work on quiet time and silent reading each day. But man, enforcing these things and being consistent when there's babies and other kids is soooo tough!

 

 

Will he play on the computer independently? Maybe it will change as he gets older? My son devoured DVDs and computer/online resources on his interests before he was able to independently read books that went into the depth he craved. The difference between age 4 and 6 was significant in regards to "neediness."

 

I bet you have fun with him as a baby :) I'm guessing he was a lot like my son in that he needed constant stimulation. Other parents could sit their babies in a seat and get a few things done. The swing was a place of boredom. You get the idea...

[marie33]

Believe it or not, my ds still naps and goes down when everybody else does! I knew very early in my parenting that I was going to MAKE SURE my kids napped at the same time and push napping for as long as my kids will take them...and then some! Yes, ds at 4yo still naps and most of the time without a fight. It's just what we all do everyday at 1pm. I have even gone to the trouble of planning other activities around naps! Oh, they are so important to me!

 

But even with the quite time for me in the middle of the day, ds is the last to go down for nap and the first to pop up and start chasing me again for attention. I totally feel hunted!

 

He will play on the computer independently but his use is limited to a few websites that we have "okay-ed" and he likes to use google maps. When those things get boring, he is right back at me wanting something to stimulate him.

 

Yes, I should totally have him help me if he wants to be with me. I love the ideas about having him help me. And when he gets tired of helping, maybe he'll want some space on his own. :001_smile:One can only hope!

 

I do love him so dearly!!! He is such a gift! He's just a lot of work and I am not good at balancing him and my other two girls. There are diapers to change and meals to make, babies to feed and dishes to clean (among many other things left uncleaned for too long as it is)...but ds doesn't care about what I have to get to and is extremely persistent with his requests for my attention! You would think that after being put off a couple times, he would stop asking or maybe not as frequently. But he always comes right back.

 

Thanks for your responses. Sometimes I think that there can't be any other child like my ds, or any other mother battling their children with the little energy they have left...but deep down I know we all do. It's just nice to hear it sometimes, that other people go through these things.

Seriously, thanks guys!

[Tracy]

I think that you first have to determine what exactly he's needing your attention for. Is it an academic need (craving for information or intellectual stimulation) or an emotional need (the way he feels loved)? For my Grasshopper, it is an intense emotional need. If she is not interacting with someone, especially parents, she feels rejected and unloved. Although she reads well, giving her books to read on her own just increases the need. She would rather read aloud to me rather than read silently, even though reading aloud is the more difficult task. She will only play by herself after hours of interaction. I can set aside "quiet time," but that just increases her need.

 

So I have learned to include her in just about everything I do and to include me (or dh) in just about everything she does. For example, even though she is capable of sorting her own laundry, we do it together. And the more we do it together, the more she is willing to do it and the more positive she is about it. I invite her to go grocery shopping with me, and she will often forego some other fun activity just to spend time with me. And I schedule lots of play dates and classes where there will be others to interact with. (Did I mention I am an introvert.) I also offer to take care of other people's children, especially older children. It is hard sometimes, because I often feel overstimulated. But I see that she is so much happier than when I was trying to help her be more independent. I think she felt like I was pushing her away.

[AK_Mom4]

I had a similiar problem with DD9 at that age. She very much wanted interaction all.the.time. And my older ones were already entertaining her for a couple hours every morning so I could work.

 

So she followed me around. When she would badger me, I would say, "OK DD, I'm folding laundry now, why don't help me and we can talk while we do it? " Same with cooking or cleaning or whatever I was doing. Sometimes she would take me up on it. Sometimes she would fuss, but I would stick to my guns and do the things that needed doing - inviting her to join me if she wanted. Otherwise, she would get the idea that she was in charge of everything and we should all drop what we were doing to keep her entertained.

[Paintedlady]

I had one like that and I remember feeling like I might go insane. The good news is that she finally outgrew it. Now at 10, I'd say she's very average in the amount of time she "needs" from me. Don't be afraid to set some boundaries and enforce them, firmly but lovingly. He'll get the hang of it. :grouphug:

[StephanieZ]

I believe that a child's wants (for our attention) is utterly insatiable. His needs are something else entirely. ;) I do what I can. I do it with love. They will get over it and learn that they are not the actual center of the entire universe.

 

You can't spoil a baby. You can spoil a toddler or a preschooler.

[marie33]

You're right, Stephanie. You can't spoil a baby, but you totally give too much to a toddler!!! Maybe I lack the experience to know how much is too much to give. I try to provide what I think all my little ones need, but I do feel that with my ds, he might need more, as he is so advanced and thrives on stimulation. If he isn't stimulated, he finds his own ways to occupy himself, and most of those ideas are mischievous.

 

My husband and I compare ds to our Border Collie. They are freakishly similar in that they always need something to do. If they don't find an activity, they fill their own boredom with something less productive and/or positive. I once had a border collie that chewed a hole in my drywall because she was bored. My ds is very much the same way. He will drive his little sister into blood-curdling screams to stimulate himself, by taking toys from her or dancing around her chanting something intentionally irritating. I just don't know where he gets these ideas! I really just want peace in my home, but maybe this is just how all kids grow up.

Any thoughts?

[talexand]

I remember those days. My oldest demanded my attention, even as a baby. He was never interested in playing independently. He is 11 now and he has never been interested in toys. He did well playing with older kids though, who would play the kind of rich pretend games that he wanted to play, usually superpower-type adventure games. But I had short patience for playing pretend with him when no one else was available. He would also cause trouble with his younger siblings to entertain himself if left to his own devices. I think it also ended for us when books started providing him the immersive activity that he craved. Before then computer games saved my sanity. I'm embarrassed that I would plug him into a computer games, educational of course, more than I probably should have. But sanity is important, especially when you have younger children.

[marie33]

Amen to the sanity thing!

And thanks!

 

:iagree:

[TKDmom]

I battle this issue on a daily basis!

 

My ds is in CONSTANT need of my attention, as I am sure a lot of you experience. But I also have two younger ones to care for besides him...and I can tell he wishes he was an only child much of the time.

 

What do you all do to balance this need for your children?

On the one hand, I feel like I should be providing the attention ds "needs", but I honestly don't know how much of it he needs and how much he can handle getting through things alone.

As you know, our children are usually pretty emotionally intense, and I feel like in telling my ds to find something to do independently that he feels let down. I don't want to disappoint him but he also needs some boundaries with my time.

 

I am also afraid that if I set aside a certain time every day to spend with him one-on-one (other than homeschooling), that I won't be able to stick to it with the other kids having needs, etc. I also find that no matter how much I give my attention, ds always needs more! He is super insatiable...what do I do?

 

Thanks.

 

My first 3 were very close close together (like yours). As they have gotten older, they entertain each other really well. Four is a really hard age (and so is 3, and 2, and 1....). I don't have any advice to add, but it really does get better with time.

[Tracy]

I don't have any advice to add, but it really does get better with time.

:iagree:

 

My dd, who has always craved interaction with others, is 5.5yo. She is just starting to find things to do on her own. She still asks for a lot of help, and she will still often ask that we do it together. But I am noticing longer and longer periods of time that she will do things on her own. And now that her brother is 2.5yo, I find that they play together for short stints, as well. Five minutes here and there do not seem like a lot, but it is enough for me to breathe a bit. Hang in there! There is light at the end of the tunnel.