Should We Hold Back our 12-year old?

[Guest 3GAdventure]

Two years ago we moved our family mid-school year (January) to live overseas where my husband was relocated. At the time, our older daughter was wobbly in her confidence in her learning and her head of school (who had also been her teacher for 3 years prior) recommended we have her enter her new school in the previous grade just to soften the transition so she would not be overwhelmed. She was in 4th grade here that autumn and doing the equivalent to late 3rd grade work, but doing it well, holding her own, even though she was in her schools 4th grade. (Her school is arranged with multiple ages in each classroom so "grades" are not as relevant.) To note, she was in a math class along with other 4th graders, not 3rd graders. At the time, our daughter—who was a late reader—also was gaining

strength with her reading skills and going to tutoring specifically for reading 2 times per week.

We agreed wth the head of school assessment and requested a 3rd grade start to catch up to 4th grade from Jan. to June to move up to 5th grade in the autumn. Her school where we lived first said, okay, then after 2 months said, "no can do. She is stuck here as far as we're concerned. And probably for the rest of her schooling."

We stuck it out there for another year while debating what to do. My pride got a lot in the way. Then our 2nd year living overseas we homeschooled. That was this past year. That experience included our move back to the US in January 2010. Now we are back in our old town and have reapplied to the old school just this summer as homeschooling is great but I really just don't think it's for us. And our daughters really, really, want to go back to the old school where their friends are. My friends are there, too. I had hoped we could make great strides during our year of homeschooling and our daughter could blast forward and catch up to 6th grade. But our crazy year of moving around the world did not help with those goals. It was extremely difficult to keep momentum when we were in 3 places in 3 months.

So, the school has room in 7th grade, which is where our daughter "ought"/wants to be, and they also have room in 6th grade, which is where they suggested she be enrolled, due to her lagging academic skills and lack of a "shared experience" in this school's 6th grade year. (And by "ought to be" I mean by age and where her same-age peers are, who are also her best friends.) This school is a very small school—9 classes, k-8, of maximum 16 students each. The 6th grade year is not a mixed-age class and has a uniquely designed curriculum just for children at the developmental stage of 11-12 year olds.

My husband, our daughter and I are completely torn up by this situation/decision we must make. We were only just presented with this idea right before the weekend, had family guests come into visit us the day after we were told and so have only begun to process the "offer" and our decision. I think we have about a week to decide since school starts at the end of the month.

I don't know whether to fight for her to be in 7th grade and get her daily extra tutoring or whatever it takes to get her up to speed academically, or whether to truly consider this 6th grade class instead. For her part, my daughter is in almost constant refusal mode. She (and I can see where she's coming from) doesn't want to be humiliated in front of her friends. She says she would rather not go to school with her friends.

I see this as a problem of our daughter having already achieved a certain level of physical, emotional and even cognitive development as she has already turned 12, and so in that area she is ahead of the other students with whom she would be in class. I saw her struggle in the overseas school with being with less mature classmates. It was hell for her on occasions. And I couldn't stand it either.

Should we allow for her to relive the yuckiness of 6th grade puberty-onset again (even though she hasn't gone through that with a classroom of kids since she was homeschooled last year), or should we push to get her admitted to 7th grade?

I'm just not even sure how to make a case. My gut says that 6th grade could be great academically and HORRIBLE emotionally and socially.

Our daughter also does not do well to being pushed. We've never had her learning style assessed but if she feels challenged by the work and then gets additional outside challenges (even framed as "encouragement" from teachers or tutors) she shuts down, balks and declares she doesn't care.

Sorry this was so long. Really at a loss.

[Liz CA]

Won't the school do an assessment? I would go by what is recommended unless you had serious doubts about the accuracy of such a test.

[Catwoman]

I would insist that she be put in the "age-appropriate" 7th grade class with her friends, and be there to help her if she has any trouble with the workload.

 

I think it would be personally demeaning for her if she were placed in 6th grade when others already know that she "should" be in 7th. I can't imagine that she won't be able to handle the work, with a little help from Mom and Dad, and having to work a bit harder on her schoolwork will be worth it from a social standpoint, because she will be in class with her friends.

 

Can you work with her, or get her a tutor to help her catch up on any work that might be extra-challenging for her?

 

Cat

[Pamela H in Texas]

I would put her in the 7th grade based on what you've said.

 

And just to back it up further? My ds was WAY behind academically and the virtual school we chose INSISTED we put him in his age based grade. I thought it was a very bad idea, but we were in a situation and decided to try it. There was a bit of an adjustment but he REALLY flourished, catching up VERY well. He finally felt capable and smart. His grades were good and he tested better than we imagined in the spring.

 

Anyway, I think she can probably catch up that little bit just fine. And I think, based on what you've said, she'd be more comfortable otherwise in 7th grade also.

[Ellie]

7th grade, and do extra tutoring or whatnot as necessary.