crying- help!!

[choirfarm]

Ok, I am trying not to pull out my hair with my 8 year old girl who cries constantly, whether it is school related or not. Part of it is she is the baby. She has two brothers that are 13 and 15. She cries if the 13 year old looks at her and he uses it to his advantage and says things to deliberately egg her on because he loves to see her reaction. (Yes, I'm working on this with him.)

 

She also cries because she is a perfectionist. She cries if her copywork for learning cursive does not look EXACTLY like the model. I think it looks great and it looks SO much better than her brothers' EVER did. (The 13 year old even showed her by copying the same thing and hers is much prettier!!) She cries when she doesn't finish a timed test, even though she got the requirement, she didn't finish the same thing. If the violin doesn't sound perfect and if she can't play it perfectly the first time, she cries.

 

I am so tired of sounding like a broken record: I don't care how you do, what I care about is doing it with a happy attitude.:) Serve the Lord with gladness!!! I can't do anything perfectly the first time!!! Even if I practice, it may not sound perfect. That is not the point. The point is just doing my best. Have you done your best, honey??? Then I am proud of you.

 

I am trying really hard to control my anger this year. If she was happy and got everything wrong, I wouldn't care but crying makes me mad as in I feel like she has no right to cry. Buck it up. I never, ever cry (Well, hardly ever!!!) I mean what is the point?? To get sympathy, well guess what. I work hard and work hard and that is just life. GRR. Ok, back to putting a smile on my face as her break is almost over.

 

 

I bought some candy for her ( don't usually have it in the house.) She can earn two pieces a day for no whining or crying. She loses both pieces every day. I mean, I can't get her to go through a single hour without crying.

Christine

[fhjmom]

:grouphug: I have one who also thinks he should be able to do things perfectly the first time and if he doesn't he gets upset.

 

The only thing I can mention is to start in smaller increments. If she can't go all day, start with an hour or even fifteen minutes, if that is what it takes. Positively reinforce everytime she reacts to something even the least bit challenging appropriately (even if you may not even think is a challenge at all) with lots of praise. Build her up when she isn't whining and crying.

 

It's hard I know and I need ot take some of my own advice. I have whining and crying (for inappropriate reasons) too.

[FaithManor]

The middle DS tried doing this with us when he was six. Unless physically injured or really sick, we said that we would not listen to it nor would he get out of doing anything because of the melt-down. He was sent to a corner alone and had to stand with his face against the wall (nose up there good and flat). I couldn't stand listening to it and neither could DH. We used a baby-cam to make sure he stayed put and any attempt to leave the corner resulted in loss of privileges, early bed-time, and loss of favorite toys. He had to stand in the corner for three minutes after he quit crying in order to come back to the school room, kitchen, where ever and try again. It sounds harsh, but we were at our wits end and it did work. He eventually got so tired of spending half the day alone in the corner and getting absoluely no attention that he decided to buck up and quit trying to manipulate us that way. We did lavish him with praise for every time he managed to control his emotions.

 

I know my grandmother said she cured my uncle of such behavior by literally, 100% ignoring him. He quit all the crying when it did not get a response of any kind, positive or negative. But, I am not certain he cried loudly like our middle ds did so he may not have needed to be separated from everyone else for sanity's sake.

 

Faith

[EKS]

My son was doing this for a while. Putting him in his room *every single time* he did it stopped it. This seemed to serve two purposes. The first (and most important) was that it got him away from me, thereby reducing my level of annoyance. The second was that it got him away from any attention he was getting with the behavior.

[Nakia]

My middle daughter is my crier/whiner. She isn't a perfectionist, but she is super sensitive and cries over the simplest things. For example, if we are eating out and she orders a drink and then she gets it and doesn't like it, she will just bust out in tears. I try really really really hard not to get angry with her because I am very tender-hearted and a crier as well. I don't punish her for crying because I don't want her to think her emotions and feelings aren't valid, but I have to talk her through it. I will say things like, "Emma, is this something we can fix? Is it worth crying about?" This really seems to help her sort it out. I don't know if something like that would work for your dd, but it's worth a shot.

 

Another thing she does, which I will not tolerate for one minute, is to cry for attention only. Sometimes if she and one of her sisters are having a disagreement, she will start crying. The thing is, I have caught her looking over at me to see if I'm watching before she starts crying. That is just manipulative, and I won't tolerate it. She just has to leave the room until she can quit crying, if she does that. That might sound harsh, but she has always been more sneaky and manipulative than my other girls, and I don't want her to carry that into adulthood. I cannot stand manipulation.

:grouphug: Hope you can figure something out.

Edited August 2, 2010 by Nakia

[fairfarmhand]

My son was doing this for a while. Putting him in his room *every single time* he did it stopped it. This seemed to serve two purposes. The first (and most important) was that it got him away from me, thereby reducing my level of annoyance. The second was that it got him away from any attention he was getting with the behavior.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

what we did.

[choirfarm]

My son was doing this for a while. Putting him in his room *every single time* he did it stopped it. This seemed to serve two purposes. The first (and most important) was that it got him away from me, thereby reducing my level of annoyance. The second was that it got him away from any attention he was getting with the behavior.

 

This won't work. She loves listening to audio books in her room or radio theater or drawing or whatever. She easily spends hours in her room by herself.

 

Christine

[EKS]

This won't work. She loves listening to audio books in her room or radio theater or drawing or whatever. She easily spends hours in her room by herself.

 

Christine

 

We didn't do it as a punishment. It was for me to essentially be able to say: "If you're going to cry, you're not going to do it around the rest of us." If he were to end up having fun in his room that would have been ok too.

[5LittleMonkeys]

I'm glad I came across this. I was just posting about my 4yr. old crying over not wanting to go play alone and now, after reading your post I remember what I did with my now 11 yr.old when she went through a period when she was 7 or 8 very much like what you describe with your dd.

 

I sent my dd away every single time she cried over something that didn't truly warrant crying. I didn't send her to her room though for the same reasons you mentioned. I sent her to the bathroom. I would tell her that she could splash some water on her face and that when she had calmed down she could come out and we could resume whatever it was we were doing or she could discuss with me why she was upset. I remained totally un-emotional about her crying. As soon as she would start winding up I would very matter of factly tell her that she needed to leave the room and go compose herself in the bathroom. Early on in using this method I told her that if she chose to cry over every little thing then that was her choice but that I would not allow her to disrupt everyone else in the house. I also told her that sometimes it is very hard for us to control our emotions but as we get older it is something that needs to be worked on.

I didn't need to give her any other explanation than that.

 

Over time she figured it out and she also got the message that she couldn't manipulate that way any longer. After a few months she would start to cry but as soon as I mentioned the bathroom she would miraculously cut the tears off and tell me that she was frustrated with this or that. Now, when she is truly upset about something that does warrant tears I will find her in the bathroom. I'll ask if she is alright and she will say that she will be out as soon as she has calmed down.:D

 

Okay, I'm off to send my ds4 to the bathroom to calm down. Maybe I should remove the tp and the toothpaste first.;)

[EarleneW]

This won't work. She loves listening to audio books in her room or radio theater or drawing or whatever. She easily spends hours in her room by herself.

 

Christine

 

Make her sit in the middle of her bed and do nothing.