intensity

[marie33]

My 4 year-old has an extremely intense personality along with his giftedness, and I am wondering if anyone can offer some tips on how to manage meltdown with such intensity? How do you handle their disappointment, need for control, and emotional needs especially when they are not an only child? My gifted son is so intense in every way that I am sometimes afraid that my reactions and responses will crush him beyond repair well into adulthood. He is just very sensitive and has soooo many needs. Anybody experience this?

 

Thanks a bunch!

 

Marie

[mmasmommy]

My 4 year-old has an extremely intense personality along with his giftedness, and I am wondering if anyone can offer some tips on how to manage meltdown with such intensity? How do you handle their disappointment, need for control, and emotional needs especially when they are not an only child? My gifted son is so intense in every way that I am sometimes afraid that my reactions and responses will crush him beyond repair well into adulthood. He is just very sensitive and has soooo many needs. Anybody experience this?

 

Thanks a bunch!

 

Marie

 

Marie -

 

What type of intensity does he have? My DS is extremely intense as well and has been from day one. He was unable to self soothe as a baby and still has a difficult time. He has ideas of how things should go and if they don't go his way he melts down. He is the middle child and has middle child syndrome worse than anyone I've ever seen. He cannot handle being told to do something he doesn't want to. He is extreme in so many ways I can't even put them all into words.

 

I always recommend the book - The Explosive Child. It advocates Collborative Problem Solving and helps the parent and child work together to find a solution before the meltdown begins. We still have meltdowns but we are now better equipt to handle them.

 

Good luck, it is a difficult road to walk down.

[marie33]

Hi Amy,

 

We homeschool too! :001_smile: Gabriel has the most extreme oldest child syndrome I have ever seen. Things have to be just so, the way he sees them in his head or he can't cope. He's gotten better at this as he adjusts to our growing family, but he is definitely intense. He begs for my attention anytime he sees me spend time with or enjoy either of my other two children, he clings for dear life to a blanket he's had since he was an infant, but is otherwise very mature, and is just emotional for a boy. He needs a lot of encouragement, loves hugs and physical affection, and acts as if he's neglected if that affection is shared with others. He does control himself well. He tantrums less than I have seen other 4 year-olds, but he needs my approval, my affection, my connection with him so much of the day...and he rarely stops asking me questions in a day for more than about 15 minutes. He just seems to need to be engaged with me a lot of the time. I love him so much and really treasure his gifts, but he really does demand a lot of my time and attention...I just can't figure out why he's not more independent for being so smart.

 

Also, discipline has been difficult because Gabriel has always internalized everything from day one. He takes everything to a very deep level in his heart. Some kids figure out that being dramatic will gain attention, but Gabriel literally feels very deeply the correction he's given. It's heartbreaking to see his responses sometimes.

 

Many times it seems that Gabriel thinks we don't understand him. I do everything I can though I help him feel supported and loved. He seems to still need more.

 

Thanks for your thoughts. It helps me so much to not be alone with such a big project!

I'll look into the book you suggested.

Thanks, Amy.

It IS a tough road!!!

[HeidiD]

I just can't figure out why he's not more independent for being so smart.

 

 

Temperament, birth order (oldest child tends to relate more to adults than younger siblings) family dynamics - so many things play a role. Plus, emotional maturity and mental abilities can be on different developmental timetables - one not necessarily connected to the other. Little kids who are bright and aware sometimes become needy and even fearful as a result of absorbing more information/details than a typical child, yet lacking the fuller understanding of the big picture we adults possess. Also, boys tend to mature emotionally more slowly than girls.

 

Four years old is so young - not far removed from babyhood. And as younger siblings come along, it's often the case that older kids regress a bit in behavior as they adjust to the new family dynamics. I remember the day we brought our second child home from the hospital - our eldest (then 2) literally threw himself face down on the floor at the first sight of his new brother!

 

Regarding the constant need for interaction, questions etc. - maybe try establishing a schedule and setting boundaries for school, deep questions, etc, and a set time for playing quietly and one for helping with chores, or whatever - so that he knows that he WILL get attention, just not all the time, every minute. (Easier said than done, I know - we're always a work in process around here :) ).

 

I've found that an effective response to the high sensitivity is to maintain a very matter-of-fact demeanor. If they know you're upset or worried about them, this can tend to escalate their own emotional response. Also try to have a rational discourse (at their level) once they've calmed down. You may be able to diffuse future overreactions if you get to the bottom of what's bugging them.

 

Here's another book that might be helpful as well:

 

"The Highly Sensitive Child" by Elaine Aron

 

http://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Child-Children-Overwhelms/dp/0767908724/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1280500209&sr=1-1

 

 

Hope this helps! :)

[marie33]

Thanks, Heidi! Your response was amazingly helpful! I have noticed that anytime I integrate a schedule of some kind that my ds does much better. Every morning when he comes to the table for breakfast, he tells me the day of the week and today's date as he's looking at my calendar in the kitchen. He loves knowing what is coming, what time it is now, what the day will bring! You're right, he needs to know when he can ask questions, when we can talk, and when mommy is busy changing diapers and feeding babies, this is NOT the time to discuss things together. Personally, I am not that organized and have to force myself to stick to a regular routine for my ds's benefit. I really ought to work hard to make it happen, as I can see that it would be very successful. It's just the sticking to it....or the wrath of disappointment if the schedule gets changed in the least! It's tough living up to this child's expectations. He has high ones, but not unlike his mother. I myself am a high-shooter...I shouldn't expect less from my son! And you'd think I could understand it better than anyone.

 

Your words are inspiring though. I had forgotten that a schedule and routine would be so effective. Thanks for the reminder.

 

I'll check out that book too!

 

Again, thanks Heidi! Truly wise!