How do I get DD12 to be more friendly? (Long)

[ListmakerMel]

I'm disappointed in my DD12. Although we talked about making sure she included the other girls in conversation at the last HS get-together, she and her 'best friend' basically ignored the other girls their age last night. These are girls they know and who attend other HS, church, and/or other activities, so it's not like they don't have anything to talk about.

 

Before we left I asked her to be sure she included everyone in whatever they were doing and she responded with the typical, "I KNOW, Mom," answer. I realize it may be typical 12yo behavior, but I take this personally.

 

I grew up in a military family and was always the new kid that no one ever wanted to bother to make friends with because they already had friends. Maybe I was a dweeb or something, but I always felt like a loner. Later in life I realized that no one ever helped me to BE a friend or how to reach out and MAKE friends. I don't want to make that mistake with my daughter. I don't want her to be the one who already has a friend and ignores everyone else. Someday she WILL find herself alone and if she's been somewhat exclusive in her friends, she may find that she's the one being ignored.

 

Are there any good books for her age group that address this situation? She's actually a very good kid, she just needs help seeing this friendship thing a little deeper. Maybe a book from a left-out kid's perspective? I don't know. I'm just really frustrated.

 

She and her BF did finally start talking to some of the other girls later in the evening, but only after I had a short, little, stern talk with her. I want her to be friendly without having to be told.

[Guest]

I applaud what you're bringing to your daughter's attention and, as the mother of an Aspie daughter who needs to be reached out to before she feels free to respond, I thank you!

 

I do think it's important to remember, though, that from around eleven to fourteen is the Age of Great Conformity, and the social pressures and anxieties of that are very hard on girls your daughter's age. This isn't to say that you shouldn't expect and help her to befriend others -- I think it's a great favor to her and to all isolated or shy or new kids out there -- but simply to remind you that this is the age at which this is the most difficult. She may not continue to reach out without consistent reminders until she's over that most self-conscious age.

[Stacy in NJ]

where her best friend won't be present?

 

The best way to get kids to extend themselves in friendship is sometimes to put them in situations where they need to meet new people without the crutch of their bf's presence.

[ListmakerMel]

Thanks KarenAnne, I know it's an age/maturity thing. I just wonder what more I can do to help her through this, which is why I'm also looking for book suggestions.

 

Stacy, yes, there will be opportunities this fall where they won't be together. She CAN be friendly when her BF isn't around, it's just when she IS around, is when the problem occurs. And I don't believe it's her BF that's keeping them isolated, I just think it's just a lack of them both caring about anyone else when they're together.

 

Still frustrated, but thankful you understand.

[Peela]

I think its a pretty strong thing to put on her and is possibly more about your own wounding than in your daughter's best interests.

I think it could be a wonderful thing to encourage...but not to demand or enforce, or put a "should" around. It is a lovely thing when young women step out of their self absorbed worlds to attend to other children in social situations....but it sounds like you have quite a strong emotional load around it and maybe you could be more encouraging without feeling so expectatious that she will fulfill your desire? She is her own person. Connecting with her and sharing your own feelings about it, and why you have them, might help her to see it from your perspective more than making her feel somehow it is obligatory to take care of other people's needs.

I just think there is a balance there and you have already made up your mind that because of your own childhood loneliness, your daughter should help all potentially lost and lonely children in her circle....and that might be a burden she is willing to carry because she resonates with it...or it may not. If it isnt, you may alienate her and upset yourself unecessarily.

I suggest just lightening up about it, thats all.

[ma23peas]

Are there any good books for her age group that address this situation? She's actually a very good kid, she just needs help seeing this friendship thing a little deeper. Maybe a book from a left-out kid's perspective? I don't know. I'm just really frustrated.

 

She and her BF did finally start talking to some of the other girls later in the evening, but only after I had a short, little, stern talk with her. I want her to be friendly without having to be told.

 

I'm sorry, I don't know of any good books specific to your request...but I do also applaud your sensitivity to this issue. The issue is her self-centeredness. This is very tough at this age. I have two daughters 11 & 12. I think what has helped us greatly is reading aloud excellent literature with good role models. Giving them specific lists of literature so they could identify with the heroine is a key to helping them form values....lots of prayer/guidance and applauding all the kindnesses they do for others..making a big point about the little things...and trying to model those things for them. Sometimes when I see something in my children I do not like, I have to ask myself first did I do something to counteract or am I like that in some ways? Do I get to busy to help others? Do I focus more on getting things done rather than focus on how I'm doing them? Kids pick up on all of that and sometimes it's just a matter of wanting to feel 'cool' and by excluding others and putting all your attention on one friend, you're actually asking your friend to do the same and you get self-centeredness...I'm not sure if forcing her to change will do it effectively, but making a point (like you did) to show her the seriousness and how her actions would be perceived by others goes a long way.

 

Faith is our pinnacle in our home, when we start serving ourselves we stop focusing on Him...many many books have backed up that message for our children...the pure sacrifice given that we see as the greatest gift is one to be received with a longing to Honor...when we put that first all other things fall into place...some see faith as being hard, as a parent, I see it as essential, it makes my job much easier...

 

Good luck and the mere fact you're aware of the need for her to be more giving of herself is a round in her favor! :)

 

Tara

[ListmakerMel]

It is a lovely thing when young women step out of their self absorbed worlds to attend to other children in social situations....but it sounds like you have quite a strong emotional load around it and maybe you could be more encouraging without feeling so expectatious that she will fulfill your desire?

Peela, thanks for your thoughts on this. Yes, I guess I do have strong emotions about this subject. I have explained my experiences to her and she does understand. I suppose I do force the issue a bit, but it's only because I know that at this age it is hard to not be self-absorbed and I want her to see past herself to the needs of others. I'm not asking her to be best friends with every single person she meets, just that she include them in conversations and make them feel like part of the group, rather than hanging out in a corner with her BF and ignoring everyone else. The whole point of these HS gatherings is to meet other kids and have fun. She can hang out with her BF one-on-one when they have sleep-overs or when they spend the day together.

 

....lots of prayer/guidance and applauding all the kindnesses they do for others..making a big point about the little things...and trying to model those things for them. Sometimes when I see something in my children I do not like, I have to ask myself first did I do something to counteract or am I like that in some ways? Do I get to busy to help others? Do I focus more on getting things done rather than focus on how I'm doing them?

 

 

Tara, yes, thanks, I do try to tell her thank you for the positive things she does do as often as possible, and it does make a huge difference. I think she does a lot of things around the house now more happily because of it. Kids do want to be noticed for their good behavior. Anyway, as for looking at myself and how I deal with certain issues, yes, I could do better in some areas. As far as this situation goes, I do try to say hello to as many people as possible at chuch and other social events, and I've gotten a whole lot better at introducing myself to people I'm sitting next to that I've never met before. When we moved to a new city 15 years ago and didn't know a soul here, I decided that I was the one who would have to make the difference. It was hard and quite intimidating at first, but it has been a huge blessing in the end. I guess I just want my DD to have the friendship-making skills that I felt I lacked in my childhood.

 

Thanks to everyone for your encouragement!

[Starr]

I think these issues are really hard. If our kids have a best friend all is right with the world and if our kids are the ones left out all is not right with the world. We've had both situations. I admire you for encouraging your daughter to think of others.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I keep recommending the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie on these sorts of threads. The focus is not on helping the wallflower, but it does focus on being outward in our interactions with people.

[ListmakerMel]

I keep recommending the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie on these sorts of threads. The focus is not on helping the wallflower, but it does focus on being outward in our interactions with people.

 

Thanks, Jean! I appreciate your suggestion and will look for this this afternoon.

[Night Elf]

The issue is her self-centeredness.

 

:001_huh: I take offense at this very generalized version of a situation that we really only know a very small, one-sided point of view. I carry a similar emotional load as the OP but I handle my baggage differently. I didn't make many friends, never more than 2 at a time. I wasn't and still am not self-centered. I prefer quality and depth to quantity. I am a hyper sensitive person and connect with few people but I am not flawed because I don't have umpteen friends. I've had lots of acquaintances over the years and they brought nothing special to my life. My best friends, otoh, influenced me and the friendships helped me grow.

[ListmakerMel]

I keep recommending the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie on these sorts of threads. The focus is not on helping the wallflower, but it does focus on being outward in our interactions with people.

Thanks again Jean. I spent some time on Amazon this morning looking at this book and some others. Dale Carnegie also has a book called "How to Win Friends and Influence People for Teen Girls." I read through the first few pages and it looks like a good fit for my DD. From reading the reviews, the original one seems more geared for business relationships rather than regular friendships, even though I'm sure you could use the information for both. The book for Teen Girls does talk about boyfriends and making intelligent decisions, so it may not be a good choice for girls who aren't ready for that sort of discussion. Although we don't encourage the 'boys are cute' talk, we realize that it's a fact of life now and it's probably time to talk more about making those intelligent decisions. Just wanted to say thanks for the suggestion and how it's helped me find something I think will help her.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Thanks again Jean. I spent some time on Amazon this morning looking at this book and some others. Dale Carnegie also has a book called "How to Win Friends and Influence People for Teen Girls." I read through the first few pages and it looks like a good fit for my DD. From reading the reviews, the original one seems more geared for business relationships rather than regular friendships, even though I'm sure you could use the information for both. The book for Teen Girls does talk about boyfriends and making intelligent decisions, so it may not be a good choice for girls who aren't ready for that sort of discussion. Although we don't encourage the 'boys are cute' talk, we realize that it's a fact of life now and it's probably time to talk more about making those intelligent decisions. Just wanted to say thanks for the suggestion and how it's helped me find something I think will help her.

 

Great! I'm glad that there is a teen version.

[lovemywhirlygirls]

I have two daughters 11 & 12. I think what has helped us greatly is reading aloud excellent literature with good role models. Giving them specific lists of literature so they could identify with the heroine is a key to helping them form values....lots of prayer/guidance and applauding all the kindnesses they do for others..making a big point about the little things...and trying to model those things for them.Tara

 

Tara--Since it's not my intention to hijack....would you please pm me some of your favorite books that you and your girls have enjoyed as mentioned above?

 

TIA!

[KidsHappen]

I don't think you can force someone to be more friendly if they don't want to be. They might go through the motions but their intentions will not be sincere and probably won't be received kindly. I really think you have to consider you dd's personality and while you can encourage her to be a little more outgoing I think it would be counterproductive to try to micromanage how she interacts with others. Just my two cents as a very introverted person.