Will you help me advise my daughter?

[MomOfOneFunOne]

My girl has a friend we know from church. She's rather a rough girl (language, subject matter, et c) but nice enough, I guess. My daughter likes her well enough and likes to play with her from time to time.

 

She has a very, very, dear friend with whom she is quite close and another couple of friends she cares for very much. She absolutely cherishes these girls, especially the first -- who is a very tender, sensitive little thing. They love each other very much and refer to each other as Anne and Diana or Miss Shirley and Miss Barry.;)

 

My daughter's birthday was about a month ago. The friend from church wasn't in town (dad's week). Today she came over bearing a gift: matching necklaces, each with 1/2 a heart, one reading "best" and the other reading "friend." My girl showed her gratitude, took the necklace . . . and then kind of faltered. She gave me a bit of a strained look, hesitated, and then put on a necklace and put the other one on the girl. She just didn't see an alternative.

 

So it gets worse. We had plans to go over to my daughter's very dear friend's for a sewing lesson with the friend and her mom. We had not planned to have the church friend over but her mom had called and needed a sitter. So, she came along to dear friend's for the sewing lesson. My daughter covered the necklace inside her clothing. The church friend did not. My daughter reported to me later that in the afternoon that she thinks that her dear friend saw the necklace on the church friend and admired it. The church friend then told her that my girl was wearing the other half. Dear friend then came to my girl, gently moved my girl's collar aside and looked at the necklace. She didn't comment. My daughter offered that the church friend gave it to her as a birthday gift. Nothing else said about it for the rest of the afternoon.

 

So now my daughter is upset.

 

She doesn't in any way feel a reciprocated best-friendedness with the church friend. She doesn't want to hurt her feelings, either. Also, she almost resents the gift for how it has made her dear friend feel and for how it makes my girl feel trapped.

 

She wants to talk to her dear friend. Make everything alright. I think if she just speaks honestly with her, everything will be okay. Still, she's hesitant and says she doesn't know what to say. She wants to speak to her but then balks and won't call. We'll see her tomorrow, though, so it will be cleared up. My daughter is worried that dear friend will not understand.

 

There is also the issue of the necklace. All the girls see each other at church. My daughter is just not willing to wear the necklace out and about but said she could if the friend came over and they didn't go out. Still, the girl will certainly notice on Sunday and my daughter dreads hurting her feelings . . . but is still not willing to wear it.

 

Sunday will come, though, and my girl is sad about it.

 

We all go to the same church but all the dear friends homeschool, church friend doesn't. I suspect that Best Friendedness may be taken more lightly by her and not be bothered by it. My daughter narrows her eyes at me and doesnt' buy it.

 

I don't know what to tell her about the necklace. I always thought they were cute before but now I think it borders on cruel. I'm sad for my daughter and sad for her dear friend but I also don't want her to hurt the chruch friend if it is as important to her as it is my daughter. For my girl, this is a matter of love and fidelity. I'm hoping it isn't for the other girl.

 

Have you faced this? What on earth did you advise? How should it be handled?

 

:confused:

[ThatCyndiGirl]

How old is your daughter?

[MomOfOneFunOne]

just turned 11.

[Jean in Newcastle]

She definitely needs to talk to her dear friend. At 11, I wouldn't hesitate to sit down with them too if they need you too - perhaps over "tea" for Miss Shirley and Miss Barry:)

 

You need to talk over the social awkwardness of the situation. They should be able to understand that sometimes one person considers a person a best friend because that person has a certain pool of people to choose from. This "rough" friend has a perhaps smaller pool of nice friends to choose from - though of course I don't know if that is true. For whatever reason, she feels accepted by your dd and finds her friendship to be dear to her. Your dd has a different pool of nice friends to choose from. She is kind to the "rough" girl but would not choose her to be a best friend. The necklace could be simply an acknowledgment of her place in this other girl's life. She could choose to wear the necklace only when she knows the other girl will be there.

 

Also they should be able to understand at this age that a necklace does not a best friend make. It is understanding each other that does so.

[OrganicAnn]

I would have your daughter wear a different necklace on Sunday. When the girl who gave her the BF necklace asked about it. She might try saying "we'll have to plan on wearing both of our necklaces on the same day when we do something together"

 

Then try to make some time when your DD and her dear dear friend can spend some quiet time so that your DD can explain. Since the dear dear friend knows that your DD received the necklace as a B-day gift, she might already understand the situation.

 

I would also have your DD brainstorm different things she can do. It is important that she is involved in figuring out how to deal with these girl/drama things.

[alpidarkomama]

Or could she just tell the church friend that she has many good friends, and it is very very difficult to choose one person as a best friend? And politely return the necklace?

[dangermom]

My daughter and her friend bought a necklace set the other day. Mine was worried that her other friends would be upset, but we talked about how a person can have more than one best friend, and the necklace doesn't mean that she doesn't have other friends who aren't just as 'best.' The other girl's mom and I also agreed on this. They're just necklaces, not much more.

 

But I think both girls (over here) are in agreement on this and don't mean it to be exclusive. So maybe that doesn't apply in your case. But if your girl sits down with her "Diana" and has an honest and loving talk about it, maybe they can come up with something that shows their friendship too. (Matching embroidered pillows?)

[WishboneDawn]

This is a good opportunity for you.

 

Your daughter is reacting to what she thinks other people will feel. I tend to do that. It's a bit of a dangerous place to operate from and one that doesn't give you a firm sense of how to treat people ethically. Rather you're overly concerned with being "nice" and there's often little relation between being nice and behaving responsibly and ethically.

 

All that aside I'd follow the advice to sit down with your dd and her dear friend and have a conversation about the whole matter. The two of them might talk about how they are each other's best friend and think of something special to honour that. They might talk about how it may be absolutely true that your daughter is this other girl's best friends as well but that might not be a reciprocal thing.

 

I'd also talk to your daughter about feeling obligated to wear the necklace. She shouldn't. She has no obligation to hang other people's expectations around her neck. Maybe she can wear it just when she's playing with the girl but keep it off at other times.

 

Regardless, this is tricky stuff and she likely needs you right there to help her in some of the conversations she needs to have.

[EarleneW]

Seriously? It is just a necklace and your daughter should feel honored that someone feels that way about her. My daughter has 5-6 of these all from different people. She dosn't have 1 "best friend"- all of her friends are her "best friends". She wears them all at different times and around here no one thinks anything of it. If her other friend is that upset, buy a set for them to split- or something else to signify thier friendship. I think it was very sweet of the girl to give that to her and it obviously probably means something to her. At 11, they are old enough to understand that they are not friends just because of necklaces- they are simply a piece of jewelry. IMO if another friend gets upset then that is just insecurity coming out and that is what needs to be dealt with, not the fact that someone else gave your daughter a necklace. The "rough" girl may not have any other friends that she feels that way about and I think it is sweet that she thinks that highly of your daughter.

[MomOfOneFunOne]

I would also have your DD brainstorm different things she can do. It is important that she is involved in figuring out how to deal with these girl/drama things.

 

You are right, OrganicAnn. This was kind of a blind side and, b/c she wasn't prepared -- I hadn't prepared her, she didn't know how to respond. If we could rewind and live it again, we wouldn't be having a problem b/c she would have handled it so, so, differently.

 

I wasn't ready for this stage. Brainstorming is definately in our near future.

[MomOfOneFunOne]

Seriously? It is just a necklace and your daughter should feel honored that someone feels that way about her.

She does now that we've spoken about it. It's lovely that someone feels that way about her and wanted to give her a necklace to say so. The problems are that:

My girl does not feel a reciprocal friendship to the Best degree,

She feels that wearing the necklace is a betrayal to her dear friend,

She can't stand the idea of hurting her dear friend by wearing the necklace and can't stand the idea of hurting the other friend by not wearing it.

 

My daughter has 5-6 of these all from different people.

This is kind of how we're hoping that the gift giver is. We are not at all this way, though. I think we just use the phrase differently: it most certainly seems to be a more cherished, honored and literal phrase for some and less so for others. I think this is the stickler.

She dosn't have 1 "best friend"- all of her friends are her "best friends". She wears them all at different times and around here no one thinks anything of it. If her other friend is that upset, buy a set for them to split- or something else to signify thier friendship. I think it was very sweet of the girl to give that to her and it obviously probably means something to her. At 11, they are old enough to understand that they are not friends just because of necklaces- they are simply a piece of jewelry. IMO if another friend gets upset then that is just insecurity coming out and that is what needs to be dealt with, not the fact that someone else gave your daughter a necklace.

; ) We are just different. I think it would be interesting at this point to reveal those Meyers=Briggs letters to see how we're coming from this at such different angles. No, they are not friends b/c of necklaces but receiving a Best Friend necklace from someone else would surely make the actual best friend feel that if the one is, the other isn't. I do see that you dont'see it that way by my girl and her friend do and so do I. This is just a difference of perspective and no big deal but I'm grateful for it b/c I think it helps me see it from the perspective of the church friend.

The "rough" girl may not have any other friends that she feels that way about and I think it is sweet that she thinks that highly of your daughter.

I do, too.

 

Ironic, with all that writing I got a pop-up saying that my message was too short.:tongue_smilie:So, for the outside of the quote . . . :grouphug:

[MomOfOneFunOne]

She definitely needs to talk to her dear friend. At 11, I wouldn't hesitate to sit down with them too if they need you too - perhaps over "tea" for Miss Shirley and Miss Barry:)

 

You need to talk over the social awkwardness of the situation. They should be able to understand that sometimes one person considers a person a best friend because that person has a certain pool of people to choose from. This "rough" friend has a perhaps smaller pool of nice friends to choose from - though of course I don't know if that is true. For whatever reason, she feels accepted by your dd and finds her friendship to be dear to her. Your dd has a different pool of nice friends to choose from. She is kind to the "rough" girl but would not choose her to be a best friend. The necklace could be simply an acknowledgment of her place in this other girl's life. She could choose to wear the necklace only when she knows the other girl will be there.

 

Also they should be able to understand at this age that a necklace does not a best friend make. It is understanding each other that does so.

 

Yes, Jean, you font of wisdom and gentleness, you're right: it is an awkward situation. We just weren't prepared for it when it came is really the problem.

 

We'll be seeing dear friend today. My girl and I have discussed it and my daughter has planned out what to say. She has the whole scene planned in her mind and it ends with joyful hugs and kisses and pledges of lifelong friendship and fidelity. I hope it will go that way but we're both tense with the waiting till then . . . hoping it goes well and slightly fearful that it won't.