I need a reset button--(need help with ds8)

[Scarlett]

Please help me get a grip. I am finding myself increasingly irritated and angry at my ds8.

 

Here are the issues. He does an incredible amount of backtalking and complaining and arguing and explaining and badgering. He is a kid who tends to always think he knows more than he does and more than me and even if he does (know more than me) doesn't 'get' that he is 8 and I am his mother.

 

Ugh. That description just made him sound like a beast of a child. He has many good points and I love love love him dearly, BUT for now I need to focus on these issues so I can get him under control.

 

I've identified the problems as stated in my second paragraph. I've said repeatedly, 'watch your tone. Don't back talk me. stop badgering me. You are being disrespectful.' Everytime I say one of those things in reaction to his poor behavior he has to keep talking. Or start whining, 'I'm nooooot.' Or start slinging his body around in a very dramatic fashion. Or if I send him to his room he wails and cries loudly.

 

This feels like such a stupid question---but what do I do? I hear Joanne's voice in my head about 'appropriate behavior related consequences' (and I don't always agree with her but I often do) but I do not know what to do with this kid. What ends up happening lately is *I* get angry and yell and swat him and basically it all just escalates. So I need some very concrete things to actually DO in a calm manner to let him know this behavior must stop. I've been talking to him the last few days about it, but I am seeing very little progress and now that *I* am noticing this trait in him I see it so much that it is really grating on my nerves. I want him to be quiet. I want respect and obedience and immediate compliance. LOL. Is that too much to ask?

 

Your opinions and ideas very much wanted.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

Please help me get a grip. I am finding myself increasingly irritated and angry at my ds8.

 

Here are the issues. He does an incredible amount of backtalking and complaining and arguing and explaining and badgering. He is a kid who tends to always think he knows more than he does and more than me and even if he does (know more than me) doesn't 'get' that he is 8 and I am his mother.

 

Ugh. That description just made him sound like a beast of a child. He has many good points and I love love love him dearly, BUT for now I need to focus on these issues so I can get him under control.

 

I've identified the problems as stated in my second paragraph. I've said repeatedly, 'watch your tone. Don't back talk me. stop badgering me. You are being disrespectful.' Everytime I say one of those things in reaction to his poor behavior he has to keep talking. Or start whining, 'I'm nooooot.' Or start slinging his body around in a very dramatic fashion. Or if I send him to his room he wails and cries loudly.

 

This feels like such a stupid question---but what do I do? I hear Joanne's voice in my head about 'appropriate behavior related consequences' (and I don't always agree with her but I often do) but I do not know what to do with this kid. What ends up happening lately is *I* get angry and yell and swat him and basically it all just escalates. So I need some very concrete things to actually DO in a calm manner to let him know this behavior must stop. I've been talking to him the last few days about it, but I am seeing very little progress and now that *I* am noticing this trait in him I see it so much that it is really grating on my nerves. I want him to be quiet. I want respect and obedience and immediate compliance. LOL. Is that too much to ask?

 

Your opinions and ideas very much wanted.

 

I get more sensitive to it during certain times of the month!! I just want to lock myself in the closet. My mom tried to reassure me that this is a phase (my brother went through it) and that my dh needs to step in. I have noticed that he is behaving for my dh and confronting/challenging me more. I take away his favorite thing (computer time) and he straightens out for a day or two. But daily there is confrontation. I'm exhausted. I'd love to send him to school, but I think middle school is a waste. He is a really neat kid, but it's like we're oil and water lately.

 

Sorry for the rambling, just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

 

K

[ChristyB in TN]

I had to learn early with my oldest that if I said too many words to him, he didn't hear me. When I had issues crop up with him I learned to handle it immediately and in 12 words or less. I suggest finding an appropriate punishment for him such as sitting with his face to the wall for a while, losing a great privilege, etc with a short sentence by you on why it is happening. Don't raise your voice, don't react emotionally at all. Just handle swiftly and then hug him and tell him that he is a wonderful kid but that his behavior isn't so wonderful sometimes. :D

[Scarlett]

I get more sensitive to it during certain times of the month!! I just want to lock myself in the closet.

K

 

Ah...this could be part of my problem, but since I'm so irregular who knows.

 

Is it your 9 year old or 11 year old acting this way?

[KS_]

You might look into the book Transforming the Difficult Child. My ds (now 9) can be just like that, and has had a very difficult time learning self control and how *not* to act out over every little frustration. This book uses a token economy and positive reinforcement, and sets out a framework to set the system up with (which I needed!). I'd read a lot of different books about strong willed/spirited children, but hadn't found one with a concrete system that I could implement. We'd tried numerous things before, and nothing else had a lasting impact on ds - it would work for a very short term time and then lose it's effectiveness.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

Which makes the 11 yo's behavior look worse. My oldest is advanced in many ways (he's very logical and can argue like an lawyer, great vocabulary, smart) and prefers the company of mature teens to kids his own age.

 

His three major infractions are his back talking, whining about school, and his tormenting of his younger brother.

 

If I could cure these, I'd put up with a messy room and bad table manners!!

 

He's jealous that his little brother rarely gets in trouble for anything he says.

[Andie]

Because I've been sitting here hedging about whether to post the same post about my son. He's 9, nearly 10, and has so many wonderful qualities. There are times I just cry at how sweet and generous he can be. But we've had three days that have left me sobbing with a pillow over my face at midnight, and it's not the good crying. Dh is working out of town, and after hearing me on the phone mid-afternoon Monday, drove three 1/2 hours home. (This is *not* something I would ever ask him to do, very out of character, but when he offered I didn't object. THAT's how frustrated I am.)

 

*sigh*

 

A reset button is exactly right. I am trying so hard to get back to 'neutral' so that we can address these problems, but it's just. so. constant. And frankly, I'm just plain mad!! and frustrated and exhausted and it's a struggle just to be civil.

[Andie]

 

His three major infractions are his back talking' date=' whining about school, and his tormenting of his younger brother.

 

[/quote']

 

YES! YES! A big, Meg Ryan, desk banging, YES, YES, YES!

 

*ahem* Our sons sound quite a lot alike, I mean.

[WTMindy]

We have lots of conversations about this trait when we are not in the heat of the moment. We practice silly situations so that when it the real thing, I can remind him, "Wait, stop. THis is one of those "Yes, mom" times." My ds isn't quite to the extreme that you talk about, but he still wants to have the last word. When he can not control his mouth, he loses a privilige for his mouth (dessert). This is something that really speaks to him because he LOVES his dessert. I don't know if this would be meaningful to your son or not. We pray about this together. He understands that this is something he needs to work on (and that we ALL have things we need to work on). It is just tough in the heat of the moment to remember.

[Scarlett]

My oldest is advanced in many ways (he's very logical and can argue like an lawyer' date=' great vocabulary, smart) [/quote']

 

This very much describes my ds.

[Scarlett]

This is something that really speaks to him because he LOVES his dessert. I don't know if this would be meaningful to your son or not.

 

My ds loves dessert. This would be meaningful to him.

[Scarlett]

Bump. More help appreciated.

[Barb_]

Okay, this post got long and is probably swinging the proverbial sledgehammer at a fly, but I find this stuff so interesting, so I'm going to post it anyway.

 

In "Teach Like Your Hair's on Fire," Rafe Esquith parses Lawrence Kohlberg's Six Levels of Moral Development and applies them to the development of conscience in middle graders. I find it really helpful to have these stages written down so that I can remind myself where my child actually is and speak to the development of the child, rather than where I wish she were. For example, an 10 yo who is motivated primarily by pleasing others is not going to respond as well to reward and punishment. Conversely, a 5yo who is all id won't do so well with chats about big ideas like respect, privacy, or consideration.

 

The trick is figuring out what motivates your particular child right now and beginning to work him up the ladder. For example, if this particular child really wants to please, but picks up on the fact that you are irritated with him much of the time (I'm talking undercurrents here, not overt mistreatment), he will act out more often. For this child, you may need to play the 'catch him being good' game, smile more often, and take time out to enjoy his company. That way, when he displeases you he will feel the sting more keenly than if he didn't so recently experience the glow of your approval.

 

Maybe this child really doesn't care about pleasing you...maybe he is still in the reward and punishment stage. Then the best approach is perhaps a behaviorist one where every infraction is quickly dealt with and a reward system is set up to move beyond the quagmire you're in. When things are going a little more smoothly, you can begin to introduce abstract ideas like respect and general consideration. A good way to do this is to introduce it in the context of the 'do unto others' Golden Rule, which can also be interpreted as Stage 2...you scratch my back; I'll scratch yours.

 

You can google Kohlberg's Moral Stages if you're interested in learning more. I found a great website that explains them in pretty simple terms. If you don't want to read it all, I've highlighted Rafe Esquith's interpretation of them as they apply to kids in blue. Good luck. Sometimes all it takes is just doing something completely different than what you're doing right now.

 

Never underestimate the element of surprise.

 

Barb

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

From Kohlberg's Moral Stages http://faculty.plts.edu/gpence/html/kohlberg.htm :

 

Stage 1. Obedience and Punishment Orientation. Kohlberg's stage 1 is similar to Piaget's first stage of moral thought. The child assumes that powerful authorities hand down a fixed set of rules which he or she must unquestioningly obey. To the Heinz dilemma, the child typically says that Heinz was wrong to steal the drug because "It's against the law," or "It's bad to steal," as if this were all there were to it. When asked to elaborate, the child usually responds in terms of the consequences involved, explaining that stealing is bad "because you'll get punished"

 

~or Level I: I don't want to get in trouble.

 

Stage 2. Individualism and Exchange. At this stage children recognize that there is not just one right view that is handed down by the authorities. Different individuals have different viewpoints. You might have noticed that children at both stages 1 and 2 talk about punishment. However, they perceive it differently. At stage 1 punishment is tied up in the child's mind with wrongness; punishment "proves" that disobedience is wrong. At stage 2, in contrast, punishment is simply a risk that one naturally wants to avoid.

 

Although stage 2 respondents sometimes sound amoral, they do have some sense of right action. This is a notion of fair exchange or fair deals. The philosophy is one of returning favors--"If you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours."

 

~or Level II: I want a reward.

 

Stage 3. Good Interpersonal Relationships. At this stage children see morality as more than simple deals. They believe that people should live up to the expectations of the family and community and behave in "good" ways. Good behavior means having good motives and interpersonal feelings such as love, empathy, trust, and concern for others.

 

As mentioned earlier, there are similarities between Kohlberg's first three stages and Piaget's two stages. In both sequences there is a shift from unquestioning obedience to a relativistic outlook and to a concern for good motives.

 

~or Level III: I want to please someone.

 

Stage 4. Maintaining the Social Order. Stage 3 reasoning works best in two-person relationships with family members or close friends, where one can make a real effort to get to know the other's feelings and needs and try to help. At stage 4, in contrast, the respondent becomes more broadly concerned with society as a whole. Now the emphasis is on obeying laws, respecting authority, and performing one's duties so that the social order is maintained. Because stage 4, subjects make moral decisions from the perspective of society as a whole, they think from a full-fledged member-of-society perspective (Colby and Kohlberg, 1983, p. 27).

 

You will recall that stage 1 children also generally oppose stealing because it breaks the law. Superficially, stage 1 and stage 4 subjects are giving the same response, so we see here why Kohlberg insists that we must probe into the reasoning behind the overt response. Stage 1 children say, "It's wrong to steal" and "It's against the law," but they cannot elaborate any further, except to say that stealing can get a person jailed. Stage 4 respondents, in contrast, have a conception of the function of laws for society as a whole--a conception which far exceeds the grasp of the younger child.

 

~or Level IV: I follow the rules.

 

Stage 5. Social Contract and Individual Rights. At stage 4, people want to keep society functioning. However, a smoothly functioning society is not necessarily a good one. A totalitarian society might be well-organized, but it is hardly the moral ideal. At stage 5, people begin to ask, "What makes for a good society?" They begin to think about society in a very theoretical way, stepping back from their own society and considering the rights and values that a society ought to uphold.

 

Stage 5 respondents basically believe that a good society is best conceived as a social contract into which people freely enter to work toward the benefit of all. They recognize that different social groups within a society will have different values, but they believe that all rational people would agree on two points. First they would all want certain basic rights, such as liberty and life, to be protected Second, they would want some democratic procedures for changing unfair law and for improving society.

~or Level V: I am considerate of other people, regardless of what others may do.

 

Stage 6: Universal Principles. Stage 5 respondents are working toward a conception of the good society. They suggest that we need to (a) protect certain individual rights and (b) settle disputes through democratic processes. However, democratic processes alone do not always result in outcomes that we intuitively sense are just. A majority, for example, may vote for a law that hinders a minority. Thus, Kohlberg believes that there must be a higher stage--stage 6--which defines the principles by which we achieve justice.

 

Until recently, Kohlberg had been scoring some of his subjects at stage 6, but he has temporarily stopped doing so, For one thing, he and other researchers had not been finding subjects who consistently reasoned at this stage. Also, Kohlberg has concluded that his interview dilemmas are not useful for distinguishing between stage 5 and stage 6 thinking. He believes that stage 6 has a clearer and broader conception of universal principles (which include justice as well as individual rights), but feels that his interview fails to draw out this broader understanding. Consequently, he has temporarily dropped stage 6 from his scoring manual, calling it a "theoretical stage" and scoring all postconventional responses as stage 5 (Colby and Kohlberg, 1983, p. 28).

 

~or Level VI: I have a personal code of behavior and I follow it.

 

Summary

 

At stage 1 children think of what is right as that which authority says is right. Doing the right thing is obeying authority and avoiding punishment. At stage 2, children are no longer so impressed by any single authority; they see that there are different sides to any issue. Since everything is relative, one is free to pursue one's own interests, although it is often useful to make deals and exchange favors with others.

 

At stages 3 and 4, young people think as members of the conventional society with its values, norms, and expectations. At stage 3, they emphasize being a good person, which basically means having helpful motives toward people close to one At stage 4, the concern shifts toward obeying laws to maintain society as a whole.

 

At stages 5 and 6 people are less concerned with maintaining society for it own sake, and more concerned with the principles and values that make for a good society. At stage 5 they emphasize basic rights and the democratic processes that give everyone a say, and at stage 6 they define the principles by which agreement will be most just.

[Stacy in NJ]

You need to stop talking NOW and start acting. When he talks back don't remind, reprimand, or scold. Figure out NOW a simple system of rewards and punishments, explain it to your whole family without fanfair or debate, and implement immediately. Everytime he misbehaves punish him WITHOUT COMMENT. Do it matter-of-factly. Don't make it more difficult than it has to be and FOLLOW THROUGH. Sorry for yelling. ;-)

 

I use a merit/demerit system for rewards/punishments. I keep a small white board in my kitchen with the kid's names listed. If they misbehave I put a frown face (1 demerit) next to their name. If they go above and beyond in extraordinary good behavior they get a smile face (1 merit). In our household a demerit equals the loss of 15 minutes of screen time. A merit is negotiable. My boys get 2 hours of screen time daily, if they haven't earned any demerits.

 

In the past I have literally stood next to the white board, marker in hand, saying nothing, writing frown faces as ds continued to complain about SOMETHING. Rarely now do I need to issue demerits.

 

I just want to add, I do this when they do something they know is wrong and don't require explainations. If there is moral ambiguity to the situation, we do discuss it and punishment is not alway necessary.

[Chris in VA]

I'd perhaps add in some role play, and maybe even leave a video camera set up in the room where the conflicts mostly take place, and see if you can catch it on tape. Some kids have no idea what they sound like, and it's an eye-opener when they can see themselves.

 

Also, just know this behaviour is really common as a young boy approaches puberty. Our Tae Kwan Do instructor found that lots of his 9-10 year old clients would disrespect their moms. It was nipped in the bud, of course. Have you thought about martial arts?

[jail warden]

My ds is such a sweetheart in so many ways. He loves to please me and when we have a great day in school, he is so proud. However, more days than not during school he gets angry because he thinks he doesn't need to do it 'my' way or need help. Yet, this is the same kid who sits there forever to do one math drill sheet and is getting things wrong if I don't help, or constantly asking for help. ARGH! I CAN'T win. I'm trying to take a step back this week and we'll have spring break starting the end of next week, so I hope that'll help it all.

 

Sorry no help, just commiseration!:grouphug:

[buddhabelly]

It gives explicit instructions about how to nip backtalk in the bud.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Backtalk-Steps-Ending-Rude-Behavior/dp/068484124X

 

The name of the book is actually Backtalk: Steps to Ending Rude Behavior in your Children, or something like that. Two important steps that I remember is that whether or not it is backtalk (rude/disrespectful speech) is not a matter for discussion. This is key. Also, the practice of immediately taking away a relevant privilege (or at least imminent privilege), and then DISENGAGING. The last bit is also important, to save the parent's sanity!

 

Best of luck,

Julie

[ELaurie]

I was going to recommend this book as well.

 

The author, Howard Glasser, is a genius at pointing out when children are being successful. He lists a variety of simple and effective ways to underscore the budding character traits that you hope to see more frequently in your dc. IMO, he goes beyond the typical advice about positive reinforcement and token economies by addressing ways to strengthen children on the inside; the subtitle of his book is The Nurtured Heart Approach. It's one of the better books I have seen.

 

Here's a link to get you started.

 

Each of my dc can be challenging in different ways; my 5 yo ds is a bit like the 8 yo ds you describe. At times he resists my attempts to encourage him, but I believe he really needs to have his positive qualities noticed and underscored.

 

Despite outward appearances to the contrary, he really does want our approval, and he feels badly about his behavior when he is disobedient.

 

I find that the more I focus on consequences and punishment, the worse his behavior becomes.

 

I do provide consequences, but in so far as it is possible for me to do so (which is more variable than I would liek it to be sometimes ; ) I administer them in an unemotional way. I want to demonstrate that the behavior that gets me really excited is his desirable behavior - I try to express more excitement about his successes than his undesirable behavior.

 

When I don't make it a point to stay focused in this way, it's all too easy to disregard his successful behavior altogether, as if he's just doing what is expected, and then to make a big deal out of the challenges he presents. I want it to be the other way around, if that makes sense.

 

I also think that 8 is a transitional age for young boys; at least it was for my ds 8. He still needed me, but he was also ready for a bit more independence. Before he found ways to express this in words, which allowed us to talk about it and make some adjustments, he acted out this felt need in some ways that were surprising and somewhat out of character. It didn't make sense to me initially, but in retrospect I see it as a foretaste of what I may experience again with him in adolescence. He didn't understand what he was feeling at the time; he just knew that he wanted mom close, as I had always been, and needed a bit of age appropriate independence, and both at the same time. I'm thankful this has worked itself out for the moment, but it was an issue we needed to address when it came up.

[Scarlett]

Ok, you guys are awesome! I've been reading off and on all day and I feel better even though I've had some rough patches with him today. I made up a detailed schedule for ds (HIS schedule) which we will begin tomorrow.

 

The advice to stop talking was spot on. I do waaaaay too much of that and ds is actually modeling me with his back talk. Meaning we both talk talk talk and we are both very emotional and dramatic.

 

The advice to 'catch him' doing well and behaving well is also spot on. Most of my 'energy' is spent in yelling and chastising and being angry and he never gets complimented for being a good boy and doing good work. Lately. I'm not always as terrible of a mother as I am being lately. We are very close and in many ways very much a like, but as my mom told me just now, :glare: my anger is my problem and he is just an 8 yo boy who needs guidance and love and direction.

 

AND the advice to discipline without emotion is spot on. I will save my emotion for good behavior. I was talking to my mom late this afternoon and she 'coached' me through kindly sending him to time out when he backtalked me. He began to wail even louder and I felt my blood pressure rising and mom said in my ear, 'kindly say, if you don't stop wailing I'll add another 5 minutes.' I did and he INSTANTLY went to time out and I didn't hear a word out of him until the timer when off. Mom said I did excellent. :001_smile:

 

So my plan is

 

1) Detailed written schedule.

 

2) Discussion about back talk and how it will not be tolerated. He will be sent to time outs and if it continues he will lose screen time and play time with his friends. And I will discipline calmly--remove him from my sight and hopefully my sound to keep myself from being so angry.

 

3) Do more positive reinforcement.

 

4) Stop talking so much.

 

I plan to get the books mentioned by several of you.

 

Thanks again....I really appreciate you all helping to 'reset' me.

[huntergirlnc21]

My ds is Just. Like. Yours. Am I ever glad to see that I'm not the only one in this boat :) I feel like I have tried everything under the sun to get him back on track to quit backtalking, show some respect, etc. Spanking never worked (he just laughed :blink: ), time out didn't work, cutting privileges helped some but eventually it felt like I was cutting out everything my ds did for fun, all the time. Positive reinforcement was the only thing that helped but I'm not the most consistent person in the world, so that only works part of the time (my fault :blush:)

 

I am reading The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child right now, having heard good reviews of it. I'm also looking at getting Have a New Kid by Friday by Kevin Leman. Both supposedly have constructive advice that really makes a difference...at this point, I'll take anything! If

[Siebelink6]

I've been here too with a whining, crabby son. He is now 10, but this has come and gone for at least 4 years.

 

But to begin with, he is not always this way. However, once the pattern begins, it snowballs until I do something dramatic to intervene.

 

I notice the behavior begins, (granted life is somewhat smooth at the moment) with a new challenge in school, music, or chores. If I increase too much, too fast, without enough praise, games, and silliness, it back fires in my face. As the oldest, he also doesn't have a role model to follow in these new experiences. The younger sibs simply know that it is expected for you to sit and do school. Each time the subject or length increases for my oldest, it is a challenge. Or if I miss the mark and give him too easy of work, I get the same reaction.

 

The largest factor in righting the ship for us has been for me to react calmly, rationally, adult-like, pretending that everyone is watching my reaction and not my son's, and give him an immediate and clear consequence for his lack of self-control. Losing computer time, Legos or fishing privileges is big for him or doing chores without pay. At times, he has lost ALL privileges aside from reading and amusing himself outside without toys. Consistency on my part and a mild relaxation of what is expected academically for a short time have helped right the ship. I hire help so I can be alone for a short time at least once a month. I also try to get up early to pray for wisdom, exercise regularly myself, and avoid chocolate. I get really mean, even if they are angels, with chocolate. Alas...someday.

 

I remind him that his lack of self-control hurts himself, and thus the consequences. I remind him that he wouldn't act this way in public or in front of his other teachers. We work a lot on using polite words, tone of voice, going outside and walking before you lose your cool, and discussing your feelings before you are completely upset. Sometimes I've taken a complete step back in the academic challenge and completely focused on behavior. Reacting politely was the one and only real subject of the week in my mind. I let lots of other stuff slide.

 

I also scan the news for any article that shows the adult consequences of yelling or hitting your boss, your co-worker, disrecting a police officer, etc... so he can see that this in an important issue to address. I only talk about such articles during calm times and not as a threat during an outbreak.

 

Special paper awards and trips to museums are also used for going 1-3 weeks with good manners and a good attitude. Vigorous daily physical exercise is an absolute must for my son to concentrate. We both need it! It also works to burn off steam after a blow-up.

 

Good luck!:001_smile:

[Jean in Newcastle]

This thread is 2 years old. The OP is not having these problems with her son anymore.

[Perry]

nm

[Suzanne in ABQ]

This thread is 2 years old. The OP is not having these problems with her son anymore.

 

 

 

Thanks for noticing this, Jean.

[elegantlion]

This thread is 2 years old. The OP is not having these problems with her son anymore.

 

I read the title and freaked out a little. I'm having trouble sleeping right now and I knew Scarlett's ds was at least 10 and I was fairly sure she only had one child. :lol: Going back to sleep now.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I read the title and freaked out a little. I'm having trouble sleeping right now and I knew Scarlett's ds was at least 10 and I was fairly sure she only had one child. :lol: Going back to sleep now.

 

I was confused, too. Only my thought was, "Hello? You're getting married. Of course ds is gonna have some adjusting to do." :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I read the title and freaked out a little. I'm having trouble sleeping right now and I knew Scarlett's ds was at least 10 and I was fairly sure she only had one child. :lol: Going back to sleep now.

 

I was confused, too. Only my thought was, "Hello? You're getting married. Of course ds is gonna have some adjusting to do." :)

 

Which is why I looked at the date on the thread!:lol:

[Scarlett]

Which is why I looked at the date on the thread!:lol:

 

Hee hee....I was amused to see this old thread of mine brought up. Tonight I was here at my house with 10 of my closest friends who threw me a personal shower. It was so lovely. So much fun....Soon to be husband took our 3 boys to buy new white dress shirts for our wedding next week....then they went with some of the other 'boys' ( husbands and children of the girls at my party) to ride go-carts. They all had great fun.

 

Ds has improved greatly in the last few weeks. He is respectful to his soon to be step-father....he is kind and gets along well with the boys. He is excited and says nothing negative about the wedding....he has expressed sadness to me about me being gone for 4 days on a honeymoon...but it has been about missing me---not being mad that I am getting married.

 

Things are going well. I wonder now how much of ds's issues 2 years ago had to do with his FOO being ready to blow up.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I am so glad that it is going well. :001_wub::001_tt1: (You give me an opportunity to use these smilies!)

[Suzanne in ABQ]

 

Ds has improved greatly in the last few weeks. He is respectful to his soon to be step-father....he is kind and gets along well with the boys. He is excited and says nothing negative about the wedding....he has expressed sadness to me about me being gone for 4 days on a honeymoon...but it has been about missing me---not being mad that I am getting married.

 

Things are going well. I wonder now how much of ds's issues 2 years ago had to do with his FOO being ready to blow up.

 

 

I, too, am happy that things are going so smoothly for you as you start the new chapter in your life. And, I'm glad your ds is easing into his new family.

 

I do wonder what FOO is, though. :blush:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I do wonder what FOO is, though. :blush:

 

Family of Origin

[Kates]

I've only read the first page, so you've probably received some great information...but here's what works for my son.

 

We don't buy him any gaming items, but allow him to raise his own money and buy his own stuff (he chose a Wii). When his attitude tanks, I walk over and calmly take his controllers, and hide them. No fights, no lectures, they're just gone. For a week. He earns them back through a week of angelic behavior. If his attitude tanks, he talks back, he refuses to obey during that week...gosh, that week starts all over again. Sucks to be him. ;)

 

If we're working on curbing a new behavior, I do give him a warning before doing this...otherwise, he honestly doesn't know what he got in trouble for. If it's a golden oldie from his repertoire though, the controllers are just plain gone, and he knows exactly why and for how long.

 

Before I took them away the first time, I sat down and explained everything to him. I allowed him to ask questions, to process everything, and to agree to it. (Grudgingly, but got the agreement.) From then on, he knows that when he sees his Wii staring at him from the entertainment center and the controllers aren't there with it (the Wii that he saved several hundred dollars of his own money for, mind you), that it's a result of his choices. He doesn't like that feeling, so he changes his choices pretty darn quick.

 

I've only had to do that 3 or 4 times over the past 5 years. They were all within the first year and a half. We don't fight, we don't yell, and we don't nag - he simply understands that he's responsible for his own behavior and choices. If he chooses to govern himself responsibly, he gets his full range of privileges. If he doesn't...gosh, it sucks to be too irresponsible to earn said privileges.

 

Anyhoo, that's what has worked well for him. Hope that helps!

[mktkcb]

What I hit on a couple years ago with my ds who is now 14, but still gets mouthy/know it all/argumentative was to immediately start assigning "yes mom"s. Which, for my son, means that all of his screens/electronics are GONE until he has said "yes mom" to me X number of times. 2 things: he loses a privilege of great value to him, AND, he must concretely practice the correct behavior. My rationale to him? "If you don't freely give me respectful responses, then I must require them of you....you need specific practice". He has, in the past, dug himself a hole 30-50 "yes mom"s deep...oy. But when he finally gets in gear, it's a beautiful thing to behold :o). He can generally get around 10 per day if he is trying. Only first time responses count. Only responses followed by immediate action count. Repeated "yes mom"s for 1 request are only counted as 1. Doing this has actually made it easier for me when I can't always think creatively very quickly. It's consistent, it hurts him, and it forces him to practice the behavior I wish to encourage. It has gradually borne fruit. The last month or so, I've been sort of startled when I've idly asked him to do something minor, and he's responded "Yes Mother" and trotted off...I'll sort of double take a little..."wow he just said Yes Mother". He still has his ups and downs (spd..gotta love it), but I'm seeing some gleams of light :o). Anyway, ymmv.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Hee hee....I was amused to see this old thread of mine brought up.

 

You're a bigger woman than I am! I'd be upset that of all the threads someone resurrected, they had to do one that discussed my kiddo being less than ideal. Why not bring up one where I was bragging? LOL

 

Anyway, Congrats on the wedding. Sorry I haven't been much of a friend, especially lately. I hope your wedding and new life goes beautifully :)

[Scarlett]

You're a bigger woman than I am! I'd be upset that of all the threads someone resurrected, they had to do one that discussed my kiddo being less than ideal. Why not bring up one where I was bragging? LOL

 

Anyway, Congrats on the wedding. Sorry I haven't been much of a friend, especially lately. I hope your wedding and new life goes beautifully :)

 

Well there is that. :glare: That is ok though...I hope I've talked enough about my ds over the years that the good shines through as well as the bad.

 

Thanks for the congrats. Hope you are doing well. Today is 11 weeks since we met and we are getting married this coming Friday. Quick by anyone's standards, but we are so happy. I think when a person (both of us) has had such horrible first marriages that you know nearly instantly how 'different' this new relationship is.

[CalicoKat]

Take him out for pie and milk, sit and listen to what's important to him, smile, go for a walk together and then hug him and tell him what a wonderful amazing young man he is.

 

That will reset things a bit.

 

And then everytime he really starts to irritate stop and take time to read a book together, hug him, tell him you love him, bake some cookies and eat all the dough together, play a game together.

 

We tend to push away people who irritates and aggravate. But our kids really need our love and affirmation no matter what.

 

When things get bad here I know it's because I've been tunnel vision on finishing items on their assignment lists and keeping the chores current. I have to stop and be a mom for a moment and cultivate those relationships too.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I don't think I realized it was SO fast. Wow. Well, sometimes it works that way. Pretty neat :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Scarlett - maybe you need an update in the first thread that says that this thread is 2 years old and that your ds is 11 now and doing fine! People don't seem to read beyond the OP.

[rwilliams]

Whenever my 9 year old son sasses me, he is required to sit on the floor whereever he is standing until I let him up. If it is at Walmart, so be it. If he continues to sass me when he is sitting, then he must lay down. Timeout continues until I feel he recognizes my authority over him, usually 3 to 5 minutes. I am very specific about where he sits. He is not allowed to move over to a comfortable or preferred place. This works great for us. I can now just remind his that he is going to have to sit down if he doesn't stop.