when do you just say "enough" to a friendship?

[galtgrl]

Little vent :glare:

 

DD10 had her BD party last weekend - we had it at a roller rink and invited 2 families, 3 kids from 1 and 4 kids from the other. Paid for the "party package" and all that.

 

Well, neither family showed up on time. In fact, the one group showed up 40 minutes late, the other was an hour and a half late. The excuses they weakly made were:

1. the 40 min. late kids had to go to another BD party first, for a friend who is in town but lives in CA. I can kind of understand that, but we did tell them our party info. 2 weeks beforehand, and they only mentioned they'd be late 15 minutes before our party started. We've been friends for 9 years or so, but I've been seeing more and more of this kind of thoughtless behavior...

2. the 1 1/2 hour late folks texted me after the party started and said they had to go buy an AC for the mom's mom. RIGHT THEN. :001_huh: I'm thinking they forgot to shop 'til then for the BD present... I don't know.

 

Luckily, our dd had a great time anyway. She kind of ignored the fact that it was just her and her sisters skating for the 1st hour - thankfully!

 

I wonder if it's worth bothering to invite these folks to any more events like this, though. I would never do that to someone, esp. knowing that they'd paid for my kids to have access to the whole party package kind of deal. I think it's extremely rude. Also, they never apologized - which also bugs me.

 

It got me to thinking about whether I really want to pursue these friendships anymore. Right now, I sure don't feel like it's worth it, kwim?

 

Ok - vent over. Thanks for listening!

[OrganicAnn]

I was going to ask if this was a first time thing. But you said you've been seeing more and more of the thoughtless behavior. I would say that only you can judge when enough is enough. But also consider, do you have friends to replace them with? I know some people who simple can not get anywhere on time. You either tell them to show up an hour before the party starts or live with them being late.

[Tidbits of Learning]

We stopped having b-day parties like those b/c of things like you are describing. We let our children invite 1 or 2 friends for the day for something like skating, movies, waterpark...whatever the birthday kid wants. I let the parents know that we don't do b-day parties and a gift isn't expected. The kids get to spend the whole day together and doing what they enjoy with a close friend. I pay for the movie tickets or build a bear or whatever the kids dream up as well as taking them out to eat and ice cream.

We do not have issues anymore about tons of people showing up when they please. If the parents know their child is the only child going, they are on time normally. Certainly not 30 minutes to an hour late. I don't have to stress and pay for 8-10 kids and a party package that you can't change or alter without it costing more. Even paying for movies, a restaurant, build a bear, and ice cream cost less than a party package.

We have a cookie cake and ice cream on the kid's actual birthday with just our family-dh, me, and kiddos. I love this and will never go back to actual birthday party packages.

[bkpan]

Little vent :glare:

 

DD10 had her BD party last weekend - we had it at a roller rink and invited 2 families, 3 kids from 1 and 4 kids from the other. Paid for the "party package" and all that.

 

Well, neither family showed up on time. In fact, the one group showed up 40 minutes late, the other was an hour and a half late. The excuses they weakly made were:

1. the 40 min. late kids had to go to another BD party first, for a friend who is in town but lives in CA. I can kind of understand that, but we did tell them our party info. 2 weeks beforehand, and they only mentioned they'd be late 15 minutes before our party started. We've been friends for 9 years or so, but I've been seeing more and more of this kind of thoughtless behavior...

2. the 1 1/2 hour late folks texted me after the party started and said they had to go buy an AC for the mom's mom. RIGHT THEN. :001_huh: I'm thinking they forgot to shop 'til then for the BD present... I don't know.

 

Luckily, our dd had a great time anyway. She kind of ignored the fact that it was just her and her sisters skating for the 1st hour - thankfully!

 

I wonder if it's worth bothering to invite these folks to any more events like this, though. I would never do that to someone, esp. knowing that they'd paid for my kids to have access to the whole party package kind of deal. I think it's extremely rude. Also, they never apologized - which also bugs me.

 

It got me to thinking about whether I really want to pursue these friendships anymore. Right now, I sure don't feel like it's worth it, kwim?

 

Ok - vent over. Thanks for listening!

 

Well, to be honest....

 

It does not sound like a friendship. If you could really end a friendship over being late to birthday party, I cannot imagine that you are truly friends. Not my understanding of friendship.

 

IOW, is there really anything to lose??

[TracyR]

That's why I've stopped having birthday parties. We've had people tell us they would be coming and never show up. My girls were devistated. So now we just have birthdays at home. They can play with their friends but even that is harder and harder to do too because the parents are just to darned busy doing nothing. If we see their friends out and about they can play with them. But I no longer do play dates, birthday parties anymore. Very sad because we enjoy those types of things.

[ConnieB]

It's time to take a long hard look at whether it's a one-sided friendship and another sided acquaintance.

 

What's that Proverb....If you love something let it go....if it returns to you cherish it....if not, it was never really yours.

 

Perhaps its time for you to move on and see whether they cherish the friendship enough to return.

 

I'm glad though that your daughter wasn't hurt by the experience! That would have brought out the mama bear in me, which is never a pretty sight.

 

Happy (belated) Birthday to your daughter!

 

:grouphug:

[Nakia]

I have a friend who is late to every single thing! About two or three years ago, I just stopped making plans with her or inviting her to do anything. We still talk on the phone every now and then, and I love her dearly, but I just couldn't handle it anymore.

[kwickimom]

I have a "friend" that is constantly doing things like that to my DD (her DD and mine are bff's). She is always late, never shows up for things she says she is, tells DD she can come over and play the next day then "disappears" I finally broke down and told not to ever make a plan with DD again without first consulting me because she keeps hurting her feelings and I wont stand for it again. I told her that if we are not a priority that is totally fine, but DO NOT make plans with us then. Only make a plan if you are going to stick to it.

 

She broke down and told me that she didnt realize what she had been doing and that she had been doing it for so long. Do I believe her? not at all. Shes a grown up and knows what she is doing and would freak out if I did that to her DD. She told me that she promises to stick to her plans and times. I gave her a second chance, but if it happens again, I am done.

 

I cannot sit around and let my kid get her heart broke a million times. If it happens a lot I would point it out. Its totally rude and thoughtless.

Edited July 5, 2010 by kwickimom
ETA

[joannqn]

I'd move on.

 

We have two friends with similar issues. One friend flat out says it's too much work for her to take her 6 kids anywhere. However, she's a great friend in so many other ways that she has plenty of people willing to come to her house for all play dates. I try to get out there every few months since she lives 40 minutes away. However, after several missed birthday parties where they missed because someone was sick (and with 6 kids, they are half of the party), I quit inviting them.

 

Another friend turned out to be someone I just couldn't be around. Mom was horrible in so many ways...extreme tardiness, changing plans last minute (as in you're dressed and ready to go out on your anniversary dinner and she wants you to postpone until 9pm because she "forgot" her daughter had gymnastics), negativity about homeschooling, telling my DH he was right to want a divorce while telling me that my DH was losing his mind to want a divorce, telling a new neighbor that we were isolating our daughter, etc. My kids loved hers so it was hard for mine to adjust but they've since found better friends.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

Not having read the other responses, my first thought is move on. Find new friends who are able to get it together for you and your friendship.

[galtgrl]

Thanks for the replies.

 

DH thinks I should say something to them, as our other dd's BD is coming up in Sept. and she wants to invite them to whatever she has.

 

I think they've made it perfectly clear that we should not count on them to consider our kid's feelings (and this older dd would be HIGHLY offended if they had done it to her). I don't see the point of bringing it up.

 

Not sure what to do for the next BD. There were some good ideas, but I think it really comes down to the fact that the one friendship has been drifting apart for a while (they stopped homeschooling/dropped most of the 4H activities and soccer, which we used to be involved with together)and the other is just...really...flaky.

 

Thanks for some good ideas, though, and just for the reinforcement.:)

[tex-mex]

Not having read the other responses, my first thought is move on. Find new friends who are able to get it together for you and your friendship.

:iagree:

[Ellie]

Sounds as if it's time to brush the dust off your feet and move on. Sheesh.

[Desert Rat]

Here's another idea though, if you're interested in keeping the friendships and punctuality is the main complaint (and, of course, their lack of concern). If your party starts at 1pm, tell them it starts at 12:30. I've done this for years with some of my more tardy friends. It works! I don't get upset and they show up just in time. :)

FWIW, I also do this for team picture days for soccer. Works there, too.

I'm all about the path of least resistance.

Now, if they are honestly inconsiderate in other areas of your friendship, I'd say let it go.

[at the beach]

Not sure what to do for the next BD. There were some good ideas, but I think it really comes down to the fact that the one friendship has been drifting apart for a while (they stopped homeschooling/dropped most of the 4H activities and soccer, which we used to be involved with together)and the other is just...really...flaky.

 

 

 

It sounds like the family that stopped homeschooling has sort of moved on themselves. Perhaps you don't have that much in common anymore? And it sounds like the other family isn't one you're particularly crazy about. So, I would just move on. I would not say anything to them. I would not invite either of those families to another birthday party. There is no excuse for the behavior of those families absent a true emergency, which is not what happened from your description. I would try to find some new families/kids for mine to interact with and, in the meantime, be thankful they have their siblings. I would not worry in the slightest about having a family only party for the upcoming birthday party.

[kdeno]

I think your friends were very inconsiderate and rude but I would not consider distancing myself from someone over these issues.

[Gooblink]

I have a friend who is late to every single thing! About two or three years ago, I just stopped making plans with her or inviting her to do anything. We still talk on the phone every now and then, and I love her dearly, but I just couldn't handle it anymore.

 

:iagree: with Nakia's approach.

 

You now know you can't count on them to be on time and, while it sounds like you are OK with breaking the ties, your kids are still friends with theirs and shouldn't be punished for the parents' insensitivity, IMO.

 

Maybe you could have the next party at home, where it really doesn't matter so much if they're late. Use the money you'd have spent on an event venue to get your daughter a really cool present. Do they do sleepovers? That's what we do with our boys...I just tell the invitees to come on over any time after XX:XX and the kids stay up late playing.

[Murphy101]

If this were a regular occurrence, I'd feel like we didn't really have a friendship to begin with and move on. I wouldn't make a big to do over it, I'd just stop inviting and leave the ball in their court.

 

My daughter would have been in tears and heartbroken. :grouphug: and those who know us well enough to be invited would have known that. I would be very hurt and angry given that information.

 

Sadly, my mil is like this. We never tell our kids anything she says she will do with or for them bc she often decides to go shopping instead or whatever. It is almost never anything that can't be put off to keep her promise to the kid, but it's always more important to her than them.

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that there's a middle path.

Some activities sound more like open houses and others sound more like where you have a schedule.

I think that you could put on the invitation something like "skating from 1-3, cake promptly at 3:07" and then people would show up somewhere between 1 and 3 but definitely by 3:07 as that is the firm part of the schedule.

Then if you want people to come right at the beginning for sure in blood, you set the 'prompt' part then. Like, "Cake at 3:10, followed by skating until 4:30".

 

Personally, I try to set things up so that people can arrive at various times--because they always seem to do so! One year for DD's birthday party I claimed 7 tables at a park (summer time), rented a bouncy house, and had it set up on the lawn. I had crafts at two of the tables, a cake (and presents, if any) at another one, food prep and service at another one, and 3 tables for eating. Parents could drop off their kids or stay; I had plenty of food either way. On the invitation I said that we would start at 11 and eat lunch at 12:30. People arrived throughout that entire period. DH watched the bouncy house, I supervised the crafts. I had made fruit salad, potato salad, and green salad in advance, and mixed up meat for burgers on the grill. So around noon we started grilling and served at 12:30. Kids stayed all day, until 4 or 5--parents stayed, too. It was a really hot day, but we had great shade at the tables, which were under thick, mature trees.

 

In my experience those outdoor, only semi-structured parties work better than the facility based ones. It's funny, because the facility ones seem more like treats, but people just do not see the need to stick to a schedule, and those facilities are definitely on a tight schedule.

[Danestress]

my sisters too. Even my Mom. To me, these are the irritations of life. If you love someone, you figure out how to work through the problems. If these are just 'people to keep my kids entertained' and not real friends, then that's different. When they are not suiting your needs, you might want to move on.

 

For me, though, people who are really my friends are worth the trouble of dealing with things. Sometimes you have to talk about problems, other times you are can be forbearing.

 

I don't know what you should do, because I don't know how much these people matter to you. If you love them, work on it. Even if it feel sort of yucky to tell a friend, "You hurt my feelings. I'm not sure what happened with the party, but it feel sad for my daughter. Maybe you should talk to her about it." I hate conflict. But I think sometimes we cut people off because we are not willing to deal with minor conflict. The rewards of building life long friendships is worth the pangs of occasional hurt feelings and difficult discussions.

 

Life is short and people are valuable. If you aren't really friends with them but just feel like they are people who are filling that "friend need" without really being connected to you in a profound way, you probably know that. But I wouldn't cut out a real friend because she had a habit of running late.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Little vent :glare:

 

DD10 had her BD party last weekend - we had it at a roller rink and invited 2 families, 3 kids from 1 and 4 kids from the other. Paid for the "party package" and all that.

 

Well, neither family showed up on time. In fact, the one group showed up 40 minutes late, the other was an hour and a half late. The excuses they weakly made were:

1. the 40 min. late kids had to go to another BD party first, for a friend who is in town but lives in CA. I can kind of understand that, but we did tell them our party info. 2 weeks beforehand, and they only mentioned they'd be late 15 minutes before our party started. We've been friends for 9 years or so, but I've been seeing more and more of this kind of thoughtless behavior...

2. the 1 1/2 hour late folks texted me after the party started and said they had to go buy an AC for the mom's mom. RIGHT THEN. :001_huh: I'm thinking they forgot to shop 'til then for the BD present... I don't know.

 

Luckily, our dd had a great time anyway. She kind of ignored the fact that it was just her and her sisters skating for the 1st hour - thankfully!

 

I wonder if it's worth bothering to invite these folks to any more events like this, though. I would never do that to someone, esp. knowing that they'd paid for my kids to have access to the whole party package kind of deal. I think it's extremely rude. Also, they never apologized - which also bugs me.

 

It got me to thinking about whether I really want to pursue these friendships anymore. Right now, I sure don't feel like it's worth it, kwim?

 

Ok - vent over. Thanks for listening!

[simka2]

I'm going to go out on limb here...

 

I think I may be just like your friends! Even if you schedule a party, I might be late. It is the way I am. If you would rather me just not show...that's okay too!

 

With kids going in multiple directions, it is really difficult to take a chunk out of one day for the whole family to be at a party. Now a slumber party where I could drop dd of for the evening is another thing. But, scheduled birthday event type parties are really difficult for us.

 

In fact when we get those types of invitations we just don't go anymore...unless the parent calls me to arrange alternate transportation/offers to pick the kids up or take them home...something like that.

 

This is what goes thru my head when we get one of those types of invitations...

 

"Oh, goodness. Okay how many things do I have going on that day? When can I plan to go get a gift? How many times are my kids going to ask...can we get a gift today? Is it time yet? ...then we are going to go for 2 high stress hrs. they will be pumped full of sugar...totally overstimulated, and by the time we get home I will be dealing with the sugar and adrenaline crash. Errrrgh! Now I feel ashamed that Ireally do not want to go, and have such a bad attitude about some sweet kids birthday! Really? Shouldn't I just be grateful and happy for them? Uggggggghhhhhh...... ;("

 

Tired, overwhelmed, ashamed...yeah I'm excited.

It's probly just me though!

[Starr]

However you choose to spend time or not with these people it sounds like it is time to add in some new family friends. I wouldn't be dependent on these people for special times.

[galtgrl]

Well, I've been looking through the Meyers-Briggs Personality threads, and:

I'm an ISTJ. This is part of the problem, I think...I am introverted, don't easily make alot of new friends...in fact it takes alot for me to bestow the "friend" label on someone.

 

The moms of these families are def. extroverts, many friends, much more "busy" than I am and like it that way. Their friends come and go, they change around who they spend alot of time with several times a year. Just different.

 

I have come to the conclusion that I've been trying to hold onto the friendship with the family we've known longer, well past the time I should have just let it slip into "aquaintance" status. Still like them, still think they're good people, just not real close anymore.

 

The other family we kind of went through this with once already about 10 years ago - they came back into our lives last year & I thought we'd try again...

 

Yeah, I do need some new IRL friends. For me, one or two is plenty. Good thing I've got DH, lol!

 

I think the slumber party may be the path we take for the kids, though, or at least something much less formal/ time dependant.