Nakia Posted June 20, 2010 Share Posted June 20, 2010 ARGH!!!!!!! My fil just jumped my case because I didn't tape his tubing right, and he had to do it himself. I'm afraid I didn't answer very graciously, but my husband did tell him to stop being hateful to me. This is going to be a very long six weeks. And even though he could learn to do his own medications, he refuses. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!! A little back story: My dh is an only child and his mother passed away years ago. His father has endocarditis, but refuses to stay in the hospital for treatment. So I am giving him IV antibiotics at home. I am the only person he has to do this, and if I don't do it, the infection will kill him. The thing is this man despises me and is not secretive about that. He is an ungrateful, hateful, mean old cuss. I know God is going to use this for His glory, but that is hard to remember sometimes. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, thank you for listening to my cyber scream. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatCyndiGirl Posted June 20, 2010 Share Posted June 20, 2010 Nakia, you have my sympathy. Have you ever heard that old quote (I can't even remember it correctly, but...) it is something about, "do not do for others what they can do for themselves"? Do you think that your dh would be willing to say, "look, my KIND AND LOVING WIFE will do the nurse part of the job, but YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT YOU CAN FOR YOURSELF"? Since he was willing to tell his father to stop being hateful to you maye he would do this? I hope his time with you goes by quickly! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted June 20, 2010 Author Share Posted June 20, 2010 Nakia, you have my sympathy. Have you ever heard that old quote (I can't even remember it correctly, but...) it is something about, "do not do for others what they can do for themselves"? Do you think that your dh would be willing to say, "look, my KIND AND LOVING WIFE will do the nurse part of the job, but YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT YOU CAN FOR YOURSELF"? Since he was willing to tell his father to stop being hateful to you maye he would do this? I hope his time with you goes by quickly! :grouphug: Patrick did have a talk with him because he had decided that I could run back and forth to Asheville (45 minutes one way) twice a week to get his meds even though Bill (FIL) agreed to go get them and is perfectly capable. And I know he is also capable of learning to give himself the meds, but he refuses to do it. And he really will die if he doesn't get them. Medicare won't pay for him to have the meds at home because he gets a continuous infusion of one antibiotic, and Medicare feels like if a person is that sick, they need to be in the hospital. He absolutely refuses to stay in the hospital. And I couldn't live with myself if he died because I couldn't handle his attitude and quit giving him the meds. So I will smile and then come here and scream. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted June 20, 2010 Share Posted June 20, 2010 :grouphug: Nakia, so sorry. My mother is a retired nurse and her own mother was like this. It was no secret that her mother didn't like her, but you would think she would have been nice to my mother when she was coming in and doing wound care every day for months. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted June 20, 2010 Share Posted June 20, 2010 Medicare feels like if a person is that sick, they need to be in the hospital. He absolutely refuses to stay in the hospital. Is he mentally well? I know an older person who was turning into a right ^&*( and finally some relatives spoke to his physician & he's been prescribed some 'happy pills'. Many older people suffer from depression, anxiety & a host of other psychiatric problems. I'm all for happy pills. Or just plain old 'stoned out of your head so you don't give me trouble' pills. I'd think that his refusal to take adequate care, & his general orneriness are enough to ask drs about some mood enhancers. And I couldn't live with myself if he died because I couldn't handle his attitude and quit giving him the meds. See, I'm thinking that I could. IF people truly can't help themselves, if they're psychiatrically ill, then they need meds, understanding, help, counselling, patience. If they're just jerks - um, sorry, nope. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted June 20, 2010 Share Posted June 20, 2010 Nakia, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's hard to be the better person. Is home health care an option? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted June 20, 2010 Author Share Posted June 20, 2010 Is he mentally well? I know an older person who was turning into a right ^&*( and finally some relatives spoke to his physician & he's been prescribed some 'happy pills'. Many older people suffer from depression, anxiety & a host of other psychiatric problems. I'm all for happy pills. Or just plain old 'stoned out of your head so you don't give me trouble' pills. I'd think that his refusal to take adequate care, & his general orneriness are enough to ask drs about some mood enhancers. See, I'm thinking that I could. IF people truly can't help themselves, if they're psychiatrically ill, then they need meds, understanding, help, counselling, patience. If they're just jerks - um, sorry, nope. :grouphug: He is mentally well, or as well as he's always been. He's always hated me, so that is nothing new. And his stubbornness and downright hatefulness is nothing new either. He has actually been "fired" by more than one doctor because of his unwillingness to accept treatment. He is more than a little difficult. I really have no idea how my husband turned out so dang awesome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted June 20, 2010 Author Share Posted June 20, 2010 Nakia, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's hard to be the better person. Is home health care an option? Medicare is paying for a home health nurse to come twice a week and draw labs on him, but they will not pay for the meds to be given at home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted June 20, 2010 Share Posted June 20, 2010 Honestly, I would say suck it up, deal with it, and move on. You can do just about anything for 6 weeks. When I have to do something I must do, but would rather not do, I think of the people around the world who have horrid, menial jobs, with backbreaking responsibilities and at the end of the day, make barely enough to eat. It helps me to not get sucked into self pity. When he is snotty, DO NOT ENGAGE HIM. Be professional, be kind, but do not let this sh*thead get you down. You are in control of how you feel. You know the things he says are not right. You know that he is full of hate and is taking it out on you. If you accept his hate, and make it your own, you will end up like him in the end. Repel his hatred with your kindness, so that at the end of the time, you can walk away and know that you did what you set out to do, did it appropriately and with kind intentions. Maybe an iPod cranked wayyyy up when you do his meds would help. Some happy lively music that will drown out his negativity. In the future....do not put yourself in this situation. If dh wants his father taken care of, either privately pay for a nurse or have your dh do it. If you feel like it would better the situation, then tell him you will not tolerate being treated that way and if he chooses to go home and die, instead of being decent back to you, then so be it. He is making a choice for his own health care. I am not a person who will tolerate a nasty attitude. I have told off many of my patients. Sometimes they come back with a better attitude, sometimes they don't. It is their choice and I let them live their lives as they see fit .... and I exercise my choice by not tolerating their treatment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 20, 2010 Share Posted June 20, 2010 Do you really, really think he'd choose death over doing his own care? Most ppl are a little more into self preservation than that. :grouphug: to you. I can completely picture my mother or MIL doing that to someone. With only one arm now, I'm out of the running. Funny how blessings happen sometimes ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2cents Posted June 20, 2010 Share Posted June 20, 2010 :grouphug: One day at a time and lots of deep breaths. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted June 20, 2010 Author Share Posted June 20, 2010 Honestly, I would say suck it up, deal with it, and move on. You can do just about anything for 6 weeks. When I have to do something I must do, but would rather not do, I think of the people around the world who have horrid, menial jobs, with backbreaking responsibilities and at the end of the day, make barely enough to eat. It helps me to not get sucked into self pity. When he is snotty, DO NOT ENGAGE HIM. Be professional, be kind, but do not let this sh*thead get you down. You are in control of how you feel. You know the things he says are not right. You know that he is full of hate and is taking it out on you. If you accept his hate, and make it your own, you will end up like him in the end. Repel his hatred with your kindness, so that at the end of the time, you can walk away and know that you did what you set out to do, did it appropriately and with kind intentions. Maybe an iPod cranked wayyyy up when you do his meds would help. Some happy lively music that will drown out his negativity. In the future....do not put yourself in this situation. If dh wants his father taken care of, either privately pay for a nurse or have your dh do it. If you feel like it would better the situation, then tell him you will not tolerate being treated that way and if he chooses to go home and die, instead of being decent back to you, then so be it. He is making a choice for his own health care. I am not a person who will tolerate a nasty attitude. I have told off many of my patients. Sometimes they come back with a better attitude, sometimes they don't. It is their choice and I let them live their lives as they see fit .... and I exercise my choice by not tolerating their treatment. Yes, I am going to just suck it up and do it. I have to, and that's what I said I would do, so I'm doing it. There is really no question about it. For years, I let him get to me, and it drove me to hate his guts. Several years ago, I really started praying for my attitude toward him, and God truly softened my heart to him. I am so thankful for that because it means I can do this for him. And the bottom line is that my husband and my girls love this man, so I am doing it for them. Thanks for letting me vent here. I keep telling myself to do this with a servant's heart. And I pray that his heart will be softened towards me during this. I know I don't deserve his hatred, but that doesn't make it any easier to understand or deal with. ETA: My sweet dh is learning to do the meds so that on the weekends, I can get a break. That is really going to be very helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted June 20, 2010 Share Posted June 20, 2010 ETA: My sweet dh is learning to do the meds so that on the weekends, I can get a break. That is really going to be very helpful. What a wonderful husband! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted June 20, 2010 Author Share Posted June 20, 2010 What a wonderful husband! Yes, he is! Like I said before, I really don't know how he turned out so great. He is an electrician by trade, so this is something totally foreign to him. I am really proud of him. He did a great job today, so maybe next weekend he can do at least one day on his own. I love that man!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted June 20, 2010 Share Posted June 20, 2010 Bless your sweet heart. From me if not from your fil. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dansamy Posted June 20, 2010 Share Posted June 20, 2010 I'd refuse to help him, sick or not, unless he was marginally polite at the very least. And I'm all for "stoned so that you don't give me problems" pills. Risperdal, Xanax, Ativan, Haldol. I'd be getting something. If he wouldn't take them, I would! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted June 20, 2010 Author Share Posted June 20, 2010 I'd refuse to help him, sick or not, unless he was marginally polite at the very least. And I'm all for "stoned so that you don't give me problems" pills. Risperdal, Xanax, Ativan, Haldol. I'd be getting something. If he wouldn't take them, I would! Now there's a thought. Wonder if I could call my doc and ask for something to keep me from wringing his neck???? :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted June 20, 2010 Author Share Posted June 20, 2010 Bless your sweet heart. From me if not from your fil. You disappoint me, Remudamom. I was hoping for a really colorful response that I could give him. :lol::lol::lol::lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Granny_Weatherwax Posted June 21, 2010 Share Posted June 21, 2010 ((Nakia)) Hang in there, sweetie. Is there something you can treat yourself to after your visits to your FIL? A warm cup of Chai always makes me feel better. A wine cooler (Jamaican Me Happy is fun to say and even more fun to sip) Some Adavan (for extreme cases) A tennis racket, a tennis ball and a really big wall can be very helpful. Beating up a tennis ball is cathartic. Do you live next to any of the ladies who posted on the shooting thread? Not that you should shoot your FIL but shooting targets is a great way to release pent up anger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Granny_Weatherwax Posted June 21, 2010 Share Posted June 21, 2010 You disappoint me, Remudamom. I was hoping for a really colorful response that I could give him. :lol::lol::lol::lol: I was waiting for some good little tidbit, too. Come on, Remudamom, don't let us down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted June 21, 2010 Share Posted June 21, 2010 Nakia, I feel for you. I know what it's like to be treated like that, except for me, it's my mil. Just hang in there. At least you know exactly how long he will have to have the meds and when it will be over. I'll tell you what Remudamom told me when my mil came to stay with me in October (and I broke out in hives the first time in my life): Drug the b*tch. Would that work for your fil? :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted June 21, 2010 Author Share Posted June 21, 2010 Nakia, I feel for you. I know what it's like to be treated like that, except for me, it's my mil. Just hang in there. At least you know exactly how long he will have to have the meds and when it will be over. I'll tell you what Remudamom told me when my mil came to stay with me in October (and I broke out in hives the first time in my life): Drug the b*tch. Would that work for your fil? :001_smile: See that's what I was looking for from Remudamom! LOL! If only... Sorry you have a mean MIL. It really stinks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen in VA Posted June 21, 2010 Share Posted June 21, 2010 You could always try the sickeningly sweet patronizing approach: "That's what I like about you, Pop, you don't believe in hiding your true feelings." You must smile broadly and cheerfully while you say this and keep on smiling while you do whatever you have to do and then walk away calmly. Or try a Pollyanna kind of reply to his meanness: "I don't mind that you are so crabby and difficult, Pop. I guess that's just the way old people are." (and do the smiling thing again.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 You guys are funny. How about "Straighten up Pops, or I'll stick this needle where the sun don't shine." ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted June 22, 2010 Author Share Posted June 22, 2010 You guys are funny. How about "Straighten up Pops, or I'll stick this needle where the sun don't shine." ? That's more like it! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giraffe Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 So I will smile and then come here and scream. :D Come on and scream. We're here for you and offer up our cyber-shoulders. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted June 22, 2010 Author Share Posted June 22, 2010 ((Nakia)) Hang in there, sweetie. Is there something you can treat yourself to after your visits to your FIL? A warm cup of Chai always makes me feel better. A wine cooler (Jamaican Me Happy is fun to say and even more fun to sip) Some Adavan (for extreme cases) A tennis racket, a tennis ball and a really big wall can be very helpful. Beating up a tennis ball is cathartic. Do you live next to any of the ladies who posted on the shooting thread? Not that you should shoot your FIL but shooting targets is a great way to release pent up anger. Shooting targets...sounds promising. I do have a gun.... Seriously, thank you all for putting up with my fussing. These past two days haven't been too bad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Granny_Weatherwax Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 Shooting targets...sounds promising. I do have a gun.... Seriously, thank you all for putting up with my fussing. These past two days haven't been too bad. Yeah for good days! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
akmommy Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 :grouphug:You are a stronger women than I. There is no way in he-double hockey sticks that I would take care of my FIL, period. MIL (they're divorced), either of my parents or step-parents, yes, but my FIL absolutely not.:grouphug: I'm glad your Dh is willing to help and give you a break when he can, he sounds like a good man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer in MI Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 Wow. You are a wonderful person. Really. I am amazed by your strength. God bless you!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted June 22, 2010 Author Share Posted June 22, 2010 Let me make something clear, girls. I am not that good. Every day I see him, I want to smack him. But I just telling myself, "Keep swimming, Nakia, keep swimming!" And I do this :D Have I ever told you all that you rock?!?!? I love it here!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer in MI Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 Let me make something clear, girls. I am not that good. Every day I see him, I want to smack him. But I just telling myself, "Keep swimming, Nakia, keep swimming!" And I do this :D Have I ever told you all that you rock?!?!? I love it here!! Understandably so!!!! I want to smack him on your behalf! Really!!! But, the fact that you want to smack him (and worse, I'm sure!) and you stick with it shows what a wonderful person you are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted June 22, 2010 Author Share Posted June 22, 2010 Understandably so!!!! I want to smack him on your behalf! Really!!! But, the fact that you want to smack him (and worse, I'm sure!) and you stick with it shows what a wonderful person you are. It is all Jesus. Seriously. That's the only way I am making it through. But thank you. Your kind words mean a lot to me!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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