Husband's surgery & in laws question

[Daisy]

Let me preface this with I'm am not at all upset either way.

 

My 39yo husband has major surgery on Wednesday (cervical spinal surgery for two ruptured disks, scraping of bone spurs, and perhaps another procedure depending on the extent of his arthritis). He'll be in the hospital a couple of days and he'll be out of work for at least 6-8 weeks.

 

We don't have any family in town to help watch the kids.

 

If you were having surgery would you want/expect/hope your parents would come? What if they lived 10 hours away?

 

Hubby and I didn't expect his parents to come. They aren't coming. They didn't offer. They are actually flying out to Kansas for a vacation the day after his surgery (he'll still be in the hospital).

 

My mother is appalled. She could not believe that at the very least his mother wouldn't come and help out with meals, watching kids, while I was at the hospital with hubby. She tried to buy a plane ticket herself to come help me (at $800). I told her no way (they don't have that kind of money).

 

Sure it would have been nice but that just isn't his parents, kwim?

 

So without being upset about it, I'm wondering how your parents would respond in a similar situation? Are my husband's parents the odd ducks or is my mom the odd duck? :D

 

By the way, we have wonderful friends who actually canceled their 3 day vacation so that they could watch our children for us while husband is in surgery, so that issue is resolved. It is a tough time of year to find people actually AT HOME.

[Carol in Cal.]

But their best friends, who live close to us, would not only come, but insist on it. It's funny. They have such good hearts and would take care of us even though we are not related to them.

[Jean in Newcastle]

We've handled all surgery and medical emergencies on our own. My parents are too old and live too far away. My ILs live in town but we are the ones who go to help them with surgeries and medical emergencies, not the other way around. I've spent hours and hours walking hospital halls with my (then) small children to keep them occupied while waiting for dh to get out of surgery.

 

I'm so glad that you have such wonderful friends!

[Daisy]

 

I'm so glad that you have such wonderful friends!

 

Me, too! It was a huge relief to know my children were going to stay with people they knew well.

[JoyfulMama]

Well, if it would interfere with their vacation plans, they definately would prefer to go on vacation. :auto:

 

I don't know that either sets of parents would feel like they SHOULD be here, but if they were SPECIFICALLY ASKED to be here they would do what they could. Now, that might mean that my MIL and not my FIL would come. But my folks don't do things separately, and they also bring their own house (RV).

[Daisy]

I can't really decide if them coming would have lessened my stress or increased it anyway. :lol::lol:

Edited June 20, 2010 by Daisy

[Murphy101]

We don't have family to help either.

I no longer expect or ask for it.

 

However, if it were my son or even sil - I'd walk the 10 hours if I had to and happy to do it.

[Daisy]

We don't have family to help either.

I no longer expect or ask for it.

 

However, if it were my son or even sil - I'd walk the 10 hours if I had to and happy to do it.

 

:iagree: I understand where my mom is coming from. We take care of our own, you know? As independent as we are, everyone in my family circles the wagons in a crisis. I would have at least offered to come help with my children's families if they were facing the same situation.

 

But every family is different and I don't think any less of his parents for being who they are. I don't think it bothers my husband either (though at other times I know it has).

[dangermom]

My parents live in town, and they would help, but a lot of our friends would too. I would prefer for my in-laws not to show up and would hope they wouldn't! (Besides a nice short day visit to their son.) Their help would just not be helpful, kwim.

[SilverMoon]

My inlaws haven't come for anything major, ever. They wouldn't even when we lived near them. *shrug* (We're 14 hours away from them now.)

 

Well, if it counts, MIL did assume she was invited the birth of our firstborn. When I turned the "offer" down they packed up and left to snowbird a month earlier than they normally do, which was 3 weeks before the baby was due.

[nukeswife]

My mom would have been on a plane no matter the cost (and she's in WI while we're in VA) but that's just how she is, and she would have truly been a help, not added stress.

 

My inlaws probably not, and I'd be fine with that. My MIL would have stressed me to the max. Let's just say our parenting styles are very different.

 

I sure hope things go well and your dh feels better soon.

[Daisy]

My mom would have been on a plane no matter the cost (and she's in WI while we're in VA) but that's just how she is, and she would have truly been a help, not added stress.

 

My inlaws probably not, and I'd be fine with that. My MIL would have stressed me to the max. Let's just say our parenting styles are very different.

 

I sure hope things go well and your dh feels better soon.

 

Yeah, sigh, I would have loved to have my mom here, but they are on a very fixed income. I can't afford to fly her out because I'm writing checks left and right to -ologists. :glare:

[sassenach]

I would not want or expect dh's parents to come. We just don't have that type of relationship with them. I would probably ask my mom to come, and I know she would.

[Irene Lynn]

My parents would not think about coming. The only thing that would bring them is a birth of a child to meet the new little one. They would not stay to help, nor would I welcome that from them. I do not expect anything from them and they don't expect anything from me.

 

My MIL might have been the sort to come help us, but she lived 10 hours away for years and now is about 35 or so hours away. Soooo, she has never helped out, nor have we expected it. She would have been a help. My own parents would have been more stress. Also, our parents are NOT young, so they really can't get around like we can. :)

[silliness7]

Did you ASK your in-laws if they would help? Some people have hearts of gold and just don't naturally step up to the plate, for whatever reason.

 

My mother is a little flaky and can be that type of person. It's not intentional. She's just a little flighty.

 

Mother's Day evening dd lost the tip of her finger in the door at church. Dh and I are scrambling to get dd to the hospital, get the other kids home and taken care of. It was a logistical nightmare and poor dh was stuck with the logistics while I was holding, rocking, soothing, etc. dd.

 

At one point I asked dh if my mom was at the house getting everyone fed and put to bed.

dh: "no"

me: "what? why not?"

dh: "I don't know. She didn't say anything about it."

me: "Did you ASK her?"

dh: "Well, no. I thought she would say something."

 

So I immediately called my mother and asked if she would go over to my house and help the 10-fingered chillun's eat and get tucked in bed and she was VERY HAPPY to do so.

 

I mean it does seem a little odd that she wouldn't realize our dilemma and offer her assistance. But I had no problem just asking, unlike dh. :001_smile: Of course in-law dynamics is a whole 'nother story.

[EJCMom]

Yes, my MIL would. And while she was there she would probably do all of our laundry and any other chores I'd been putting off. :001_smile: I really lucked out in the MIL department.

My parents would be happy to come if I specifically asked and they didn't have any other plans.

[Hillary in KS]

Both of our parents would be willing to come help in this situation, but neither set would show up uninvited *assuming* we would want their help.

[Joker]

I'm going to join in with those that say you need to "ask" if you want or need help. My mom and my inlaws would never invite themselves and might want to come but would not until asked. My dad was one of the worst. He actually lived next door but would not come over unless asked because he did not want to come across as too nosy or clingy. Some parents feel awkward to keep showing up in their kids lives (even if they would love to be there when needed) unless they are asked first. My dh and I will probably be that kind of parent - we will not want to intrude but will love to be there if asked.

[dansamy]

My mom would come. My in-laws...not so much. My mom got mad at me that I didn't tell her when DH was hospitalized overnight for a seizure. He wasn't at death's door. It was med related. My sis had my kids. There wasn't any need to call her.

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

I would want them there (we are VERY close though)- they would want to be there. It would be a money issue for them. We live in Wyoming and they live in Michigan. They retired very secure in 2000. They lost their retirement in the stock market after 9/11.

 

So it would be hard to say. I know they would want to be there- I know when my son was having serious health issues a few months ago we really had to play it down because they were ready to come- but we knew there would be no way they could afford to without suffering somewhere else. So that was hard.

 

I will add your dh to my prayer list (I keep a list so I do not forget! :blushing:) Please keep us updated! :grouphug:

[Pongo]

My mom would come in a minute, if it was myself or my husband, or even any of my children having surgery. My dh's mother would offer but I would decline (relationship reasons). Now my mother would only go to my sisters if it was her, not anyone else in the family as well to my two brothers. I think it is based more on the closeness of the relationship.

[Guest mrsjamiesouth]

I can't really decide if them coming would have lessened my stress or increased it anyway. :lol::lol:

 

 

My parents and my In-laws would all come and take over. I am sure that my MIL would insist on being at the hospital, leaving me home with my kids.:001_huh:

 

My dh, about 2 1/2 years ago (I was 8 months pregnant,) had internal bleeding that we didn't catch for a week. He felt so bad that he finally went to the Dr. and his Hemoglobin was 7!! (for non-medical people that means he had lost about half his blood supply) I found friends to watch my boys and we rushed to the ER. By the time I thought to call anyone, he was in good condition so they (the in-laws) decided not to come. I was relieved.

[Daisy]

Thanks everyone.

 

No, I didn't ask them to come. Mostly because I've never had them be really helpful. I'm sure DH didn't ask them to come.

 

If they had offered we probably would have told them not to worry about it (especially with their vacation plans).

 

So as I said at the beginning we are in no way upset or disappointed.

 

I was actually more surprised by my mom's response (since she doesn't know hubby's parents and only ever met them at the wedding). I didn't expect her to be so annoyed with hubby's parents, but maybe she is feeling frustrated that she cannot come out and help me.

[smrtmama]

Let me preface this with I'm am not at all upset either way.

 

My 39yo husband has major surgery on Wednesday (cervical spinal surgery for two ruptured disks, scraping of bone spurs, and perhaps another procedure depending on the extent of his arthritis). He'll be in the hospital a couple of days and he'll be out of work for at least 6-8 weeks.

 

We don't have any family in town to help watch the kids.

 

If you were having surgery would you want/expect/hope your parents would come? What if they lived 10 hours away?

 

Hubby and I didn't expect his parents to come. They aren't coming. They didn't offer. They are actually flying out to Kansas for a vacation the day after his surgery (he'll still be in the hospital).

 

My mother is appalled. She could not believe that at the very least his mother wouldn't come and help out with meals, watching kids, while I was at the hospital with hubby. She tried to buy a plane ticket herself to come help me (at $800). I told her no way (they don't have that kind of money).

 

Sure it would have been nice but that just isn't his parents, kwim?

 

So without being upset about it, I'm wondering how your parents would respond in a similar situation? Are my husband's parents the odd ducks or is my mom the odd duck? :D

 

By the way, we have wonderful friends who actually canceled their 3 day vacation so that they could watch our children for us while husband is in surgery, so that issue is resolved. It is a tough time of year to find people actually AT HOME.

 

I can't imagine my mother not dropping everything to come be with me. She dropped everything to go to my brother when he had a bike accident and blew up (literally -- it shattered into 5 pieces) his shoulder! On the other hand, I really can't see my MIL doing the same for us, and I don't think I'd be mad at her for not doing it. I think I'd expect an offer, but because I know her health isn't as great, I would likely decline.

[Lisa in Jax]

When dd was born -- 17 years ago this week! :) -- she was very ill. We didn't have any other children, but MIL got in the car and came right away. She did everything at home (fed/walked the dog, did laundry, brought me clean clothes, bought groceries, etc.) so that dh and I could stay with dd at the hospital. It was such a relief to have her help.

 

If DH was having major surgery and our kids were little, they would come.

 

Lisa

[Impish]

No, nobody would come.

 

I almost died before our wedding. I'm not sure my parents even called to check up on me, now that I think about it.

 

I've had two children since. My mother has yet to meet my youngest, my dad hasn't met either of them.

 

They didn't even attend my wedding. Only dd, and they certainly had the funds to do so if they choose.

 

The wedding gift was a cheque...less than my mother spent on her outfit for my cousin's wedding (I know because she told me).

[Parrothead]

My mother always asks and would be here as fast as she could. I always tell her to stay. Dh's mother never asks. Of course I'm not the one to tell her that her son needs surgery. I do make dh call her as soon as he is functioning again.

 

(All of dh's surgeries to date have been out-patient.)

[T'smom]

I guess I don't really know- I would've said that my in-laws would not have come and that my parents (or at least my mom) would have. But when my ds was 6 weeks old, he had to go to one hospital and was then transferred; to a children's hospital all in one night (this particular adventure started at 4:45 pm- the doc squeezed us in because I was so concerned about him- the doc took us to the ER, then admitted us to the hospital, then had us transferred.) My in-laws got up in the middle of the night and drove 3 hours- and they started driving before the transfer- before we knew it was as serious as it was. They stayed for several days and I THANK GOD for them. I didn't sleep for days and they took care of everything. My parents didn't come for a week- the day before he came home. I didn't have a spare brain cell to think about anything at the time, but afterwards I was very upset that they didn't come. I still am. And honestly, I was shocked. I'm a preacher's kid and I can't count the number of times that my dad rushed to the bedside of people who were transferred to hospitals hours away. Granted, we were a plane ride away- but seriously?!?!? Their only grandson could've died and they weren't there. I generally have a very good relationship with my parents and not with my in-laws- but I can't imagine not flying home if one of my parents was in the hospital for something major. I would certainly make sure that any of my family (on either side) had all the help they needed lined up if a surgery was known about in advance.

Anyway, I guess in these situations, people can surprise you.

[G5052]

I know the "we take care of our own" argument, but our kids are most comfortable being close by with trusted friends. And even when DH is in the hospital, I like being able to check in with them and know that they're happy.

 

And we don't do well with crowds of people in the OR waiting room and visiting. We just don't.

[Daisy]

I know the "we take care of our own" argument, but our kids are most comfortable being close by with trusted friends. And even when DH is in the hospital, I like being able to check in with them and know that they're happy.

 

And we don't do well with crowds of people in the OR waiting room and visiting. We just don't.

 

Oh same here. I would NEVER have sent my children up to Oregon for them to watch. My kids would have flipped out.

[Mommyof4ks]

My family has always been a 'circle the wagons' kind of family, and it was not until I was in high school that I realized that not all families are like this.

[mrbmom77]

No in-laws here, but if I were having surgery, my mom, step-dad, grandmother, and at least one of my aunts along with her husband would be there. Maybe my brother. Probably my other aunt would stay home with the kids. Maybe we're weird?

 

Last Sunday night, I ended up going to the ER in severe pain from sinus & ear infections. My grandmother (she & my aunt live next door) insisted on driving me and instructed my aunt to call my mom. My mom showed up at the ER and called my other aunt to let her know. I'm glad they love me, but I was kinda thinking, "Good gravy, I'm 33 and it's not that big a deal." But it was nice to be able to scarf Vicodin since I wasn't driving. :)

[Tess in the Burbs]

if the surgery were for me, absolutely my mom would come. when I was thinking about a hysterectomy my dad even offered to help watch the kids during the day for a week. If it were for my husband I don't know.

 

doesn't matter WHO, the inlaws wouldn't even think about it ;-)

[mom4him]

My mom helped when the older kids were young if it fit very well into her schedule. When I was expecting our middle son, had a very difficult preg., my parents were supposed to watch the two older kids when I had to go to the hospital for delivery. I went to the Dr., he scheduled me to have labor induced the next morning, came home(my parents were with me), started to get things together and my mom calls. She said that Dad and she had decited to make a trip to my bothers so wouldn't be able to watch the kids.:001_huh:

My mil NEVER watch my kids, nope, not even once.

I was blessed to have friends step in and help when I really needed but for the most part I learned early on that our parents were not going to be there for that.

[TravelingChris]

My parents were both dead by the time we had children. My p-i-l came soon after my second one was born, supposedly to help. They didn't and it created stress especially since I had a complication from birth and needed to be taken to the hospital again. I have to say that when later on, after m-i-l was dead, my f-i-l was a bit more helpful when he came to visit. I plan to help my children much more if they need it.

[AnitaMcC]

No, I would not expect them to come out. I would want and hope that they would if I needed them to.

 

Dh's parents live 13+ hours from us and couldn't do that long of a drive without a overnight stop. But if we needed, or asked for, their help... yes they would come if possible. If they couldn't come out... Dh has three brothers and a sister and one or more of them would be here.

 

My Dad/Stepmom live a 20 hour drive from us and would come if they could be of any help. They did come out to help us out a month after DS#2 was born. I got sick from a gallstone (I already had my gallbladder removed 4 years before) that was stuck and caused an infection in my liver. Dh had to work and was only able to take a few days off while I was in the hospital. At that time our kids were 12 yr old, 10yr old, 4yr old twins, and a newborn. No one was near us to help us out. Dad and Stepmom were available and able, so they flew out for 2 weeks to help me out after I was home from hospital.

 

My Mom would come out if needed.

 

I am sure that they wouldn't go on a vacation if any of their children, children-in-laws, or grandkids were needing major surgery and would possibly need their help with the grandkids. But they likely wouldn't be able to come out now days to help us out.

Edited June 21, 2010 by AnitaMcC

[katemary63]

However, if it were my son or even sil - I'd walk the 10 hours if I had to and happy to do it.

 

My ILs would not glace sideways, let alone come to help - and they live on the same piece of property that we do.

 

My mother would most certainly come, but I'd have to wait on her!

 

My father doesn't even know where I live.

 

However, if it were my own child, of any age, at any time in my life, I would be there for anything major if at all possible. Babies born, major surgeries etc. I'd be there and do my best to help them through it. It is my purpose in life and nothing would stop me.

[Pink Fairy]

My parents would be there in an instant. They always are there when we need them. :001_wub: (I am hoping that we can return the favor as they get older and need us more. Right now my parents are only in their late 50's and able to do stuff for themselves).

 

My dh's folks live on the other side of the country, and his dad is too old and ill to travel long distances. His mom might come, but she knows that my folks are willing and able to watch the kids, and they live much closer.

[Miss Sherry]

My Mom (Dad is deceased) would not have come even if she lived nearby.

My mil passed away just a few months ago. My in laws are elderly, but even years ago when we first married it would have been too much for them to come to our house from so far away.