Can you give me hope for a child who hates school? (long)

[GraceinMD]

Ds, 11.5, has never been one who LOVED school, even as much as I was the "fun mom" - you know, the one who tried to make things creative, and interesting and ... well, fun. I've run out of steam. I also don't understand this (on a very basic level) because I loved everything about school (as did my older brother - I asked him, just in case this was really gender-based!).

 

Ds had a brief period (a month, maybe?!) in 2nd grade where he liked math. Other than that, he loves ... sports. That's it. Sports, football, specifically. So, I have even tried the "make the subject relate to his passion" and have gotten "sports math books," and "sports reading books," and so forth. But, he doesn't like sports math books (because they're math), and he reads sports bios, and sports fiction and sports fact books, but ... nope - he just doesn't like school. I can hardly fathom what you moms mean when you say, "Dd LOVES Prima Latina," or "Ds will be so excited to start Apologia Chemistry!"

 

Now, in 2nd grade, or 4th grade, or even 5th grade, that may not be a problem, but he's in 6th, and when I read the posts about "ramping up the work in 5th/6th," I shudder. This is a child who wants always always always to do less than what is assigned and doesn't particularly take any pride in the work that he does do. (If the assignment is to practice the piano for 30 minutes, he lobbies for 25 minutes. If the math lesson has 10 problems, he wants (I use the term loosely) to do 6. If the assignment is to read 3 chapters, he wants to read 1. If the assignment is to read the next 5 pages in science, his response is, "FIVE pages?") You would think I was torturing him. And this is every day. One would think that he would learn, after SEVEN YEARS of homeschooling, that he just has to do it.

 

Dh (who is NOT a sports nut, so it's not that ds is seeing it modeled) just maintains that, "He's a boy. Some boys are like that. He'll find a passion." (Clearly, I mean a passion that *I* think is worthy - but that's another post, isn't it? The role of sports in society....)

 

The ONLY thing (besides sports) that ds expressed a faint interest in was sports journalism (after I co-taught a journalism course in a co-op, and the kids put out a newspaper every few weeks). That's fine (actually, at this point, I'd be THRILLED if he were a sports journalist!), but all writing assignments can't be newspaper articles, and life can not revolve around the NFL. Or baseball. Or hockey. Or March Madness.

 

I guess I'm just worried that he's just not going to make it (whatever that means). Now, I truly don't think that there's anything wrong with "working with your muscles" (as opposed to "working with your mind") and maybe that is what he'll end up doing. (I think of "Chariots of Fire:" "I feel His pleasure when I run.") But then why am *I* working so hard to provide an education for him? What if he DOESN'T ever start to take responsibility or have a desire for his own education? There doesn't seem to be any way to force that - is it just a maturity issue?

 

I don't even really know what my question is, (great teacher that I am!) but I would especially love to hear from parents who had a child that actually has grown into a successful adult after detesting everything that you've tried to provide. (Hmm. Once I typed that, it certainly sounded like it was all about me, didn't it? I don't *think* that's the case, but I can certainly think of easier ways to educate him, given that it seems that he would just rather go through the motions. If my spouse hated HIS job like ds hates his "job," I'd be insisting that he QUIT! But, drat it all, I think education is important :)!)

 

(Now, having said all of that, I'd like to say that ds is a really sweet child - he is a good friend to his friends and he's polite, and he isn't a troublemaker, he has a good sense of humor, and I actually like being with him (at least if he's not quizzing me on sports trivia - aaargh!).

 

All wisdom appreciated!

[Janet in WA]

He sounds so much like our youngest son -- except that our son's passion was/is music. We plodded through academics (didn't bother me as much as it seems to bother you) until he graduated from our homeschool. He then plodded through academics for two years of college. He'll be 21 on Wednesday, and is now a jr. He is finally excited about and engaged in academics -- because he's finally in the upper level classes of the major he finally found interests him intensely (psychology). He is planning to stay in school and pursue an advanced degree (or two). All that is to say: I agree with your dh.

[GraceinMD]

didn't bother me as much as it seems to bother you

 

:) what's the secret then? (No need to post a :chillpill: - that's probably all I need, right?!....)

[Sue G in PA]

a very bright child who loves anything BUT academic work. Well, w/ the minor exception of science but add a structured science curriculum and he deflates. This kid knows more about animals than most adults, plays most sports well, picks up new things easily, is very musically talented, etc. He just doesn't like schoolwork. Period. He'll trudge through his morning, get most of his work done (although not to the level that I know he can) with hopes to have the pm to play sports, explore, collect salamanders or frogs or some other creepy-crawly creature, build, etc. His thing now is Star Wars. Yeesh. My dh says the same thing yours does...some kids just aren't going to like school no matter what you do. I loved school. Dh loved school. My brother...did not! He went to college and dropped out. Then he found computer-aided drafting and loved it. Went to a trade-type school to learn his trade, took supplemental classes that he was lacking (mainly math) and is now happy and relatively successful.

 

I know you worry, b/c I do as well. But, God knows what HIS plans are for HIS children and I know that a career in academia is NOT in the cards for all of them, KWIM? He'll direct me how to best train my dc for the tasks He has for them in their future. I can only pray I do a good enough job preparing them. That's the tough part of hsing for me: tayloring the curriculum to fit the "bent" of each child. I sure wish sometimes that they all fit some giant cookie-cutter mold...sure would make my job easier, KWIM? Hang in there...your ds will be okay. And, don't be afraid to ramp up the work just b/c he doesn't like school. I fell into that trap this year and was too easy on my ds9. Next year will be a change for him. Sometimes they just gotta do what they just gotta do, right?

[Catherine]

Keep at it. Having a passion is a good thing IMO. I have a bunch o boys and I think growing up has helped them take academics more seriously more than anything else. I think they eventually come to share some of our interest in their future.

[Ohio12]

I have two little girls, but before you dismiss my advice, I did use to teach boys when I was a teacher!

 

I think stop trying to be SO creative and catering to every little thing whim. He might never have a passion for school or learning, but he still needs to acquire strong skills. I would decide what you want him to learn (spending time on the most important things like reading, writing and math) and then just expect him to get through it with a decent attitude. After he does his math, send him outside for a half hour. Then get him started on another subject. He would have to sit and be bored A LOT more if he was in school and having to do homework in the evenings.

 

If you can help him have the discipline to get everything done by 1, 2, or 3 in the afternoon, then he can have the rest of the day to pursue his sports.

 

Don't make it a battle of the wills or act like you are upset that he doesn't "love" it all. Just expect him to do it and stay calm.

 

This is getting long, but I also think sometimes I think people say "dd loves Latin" and that does not mean that dd loves it the way she might love riding ponies or eating ice cream! Know what I mean?

[GraceinMD]

before you dismiss my advice

 

catering to every little thing whim.

 

be bored A LOT more if he was in school and having to do homework in the evenings.

 

stay calm.

 

 

 

(I may not know how to multiquote - but you'll get my gist, I hope!)

 

I would NEVER dismiss well-meant advice - so thank you all.

 

I don't think he's catered to, but he does wear me down - like water torture! I gather that you cd tell from my post that I don't always stay calm! :blush:

 

Thanks for the advice. I'm sure I'll look back in a decade (from my padded cell) and laugh (slightly hysterically, but laugh nevertheless).

[kalanamak]

I don't think he's catered to, but he does wear me down - like water torture!

 

See if you can scare up a cheapo copy of Ending the Homework Hassle, by John whatshisname.

I can see this being my son in a few years, and I am planning on:

Letting him own the problem.

He's got a job to do, and schoolwork is how he "earns his living".

I expect at least C work. If he gets 2 hours of work done in 90 minutes, he gets 30 minutes off. If he dawdles and goes over, tough tooties.

Especially as he gets older, if he won't do proper schoolwork, he can work work. If old enough, in a job, and he can pay me rent. If younger, he can work for me. I'm getting a little creaky for all that weed pulling.

 

Work is a reality of life. I see nothing wrong with rewarding extra good work with a perk, like a special baseball glove, but average work is expected and whining and carrying on will ding his regular "goodies" in life.

 

Even at my son's young age, I look him right in the eye and tell him part of my job in life is making sure he has the skills needed to be a happy grownup. If we get into a bad habit (like if he was carrying out chinese water torture) I'd have a sit down and tell him there has been a palace revolution and from this day forward this will no longer be tolerated.

 

I don't think every child is going to be an intellectual, but each with the biological capability should read at an adult level, have some general understanding of science, history, economics, etc, be able to do high school math through geometry, even if they are going to a night postal worker. To me, an adult short of the above is vulnerable to being cheated or making other mistakes that are costly. Plus, I'd like to have an informed populace voting. And you never know who might just have a change of heart in their late 20's (and O I know of what I speak) and be really happy he isn't starting further back.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm going to paste part of a reply I made to another related thread.

 

"This may not be popular, but I simply tell my dc that they may not complain. They may tell me what they feel and we will even talk about suggestions they may have to make things better. But they may not complain and grouse about things. I know that for myself, the more I let my mouth loose with the complaints, the more it sets my mind in an unhappy discontented mindset. They do not have to give me "fake cheerfulness", though. It's more along the lines of "if you can't say something good about something, then don't say anything at all". Even my dd6 gets this concept."

 

I apply this "no complaining" rule to school. My dc are not allowed to say that they "hate school" or "hate math" etc. Because, if you keep saying stuff like that you will start to cement it in your mind. It may be true for a period of time but sometimes you will grow out of it. But if you've convinced yourself that you "hate" these things then you won't give yourself the chance to like it or at least to learn to just put up with it. That said, I do try to choose curriculum that is reasonably interesting with well-written books. If I know that I've done that then I don't go nuts trying to make it more pleasing for them.

[Stacey in MA]

My DS9 is like this too. Drags his feet on all of his work. Just does the minimum to "get it over with", etc. I can relate to the idea that it "drains" you.

 

Part of my discovery with him over the last 4 years has been CONSISTENCY and REGIME. He functions better inside of firm structure. I cannot change up what is expected of him. I have to lay it out very clearly, what is expected each day. I cannot add to it or change my mind. If we go a week or 2 being very regular about our regime, he doesn't love school, but he doesn't challenge me on every twist and turn, and gets through all right. HOWEVER, I notice the most problems with him right after a break, vacation, special outing, field trip, or ESP. after seeing my parents (hate to say it) b/c they allow a million "exceptions" to the rules (food, behavior, etc.). Any change in my consistency, and we're 3 or more days getting back on track!

 

I am in the process of "a quest for a passion" for DS. He needs something he can do in free time that is more... cerebral? intellectual? substantial? Not sure of the word. He currently only loves Pokemon, Gameboy, and playing outside. I wish for him a skill, craft, collection, something else!! I've been getting books from the library, but no success yet....

 

One other thing I wouldn't have believed, but have seen in action: If kiddo is not feeling well, or hasn't had his allergy meds, he's a whole other person - less tolerant, less patient, etc. Could this be the case fo your DS?

 

Anyway, you're not alone. I think it's mostly my kiddo's personality. My other kids aren't such a challenge.

 

GL! - Stacey in MA