if you are a single parent with the other parent in the picture. . .

[freetobeme]

i need reassurance that my children can be healthy in the end. their dad and i are polar opposites and i fear that they will be confused.

at some point, i will be divorced. my stbxh hasn't actually filed yet but is moving in that direction. i will have primary custody. i need encouragement that they will be okay. cc is welcomed but not necessary. i am learning that there is much to be gleaned from many pov's (apologies to mrs. mungo if that apostrophe is not correct). pm's (that one also!) are welcome. and there are details that i can probably divulge if needed. i just want to be the best mom for my blessings that i can be in this situation. and my IRL support is not so great.

thank you so much!

:confused:

[Starr]

Many of us have survived divorce in our childhood. I will say a prayer for you that things so as smoothly as possible. Kids seem to figure out that things are different from one household to another. :grouphug:

[Wheres Toto]

I have joint custody of oldest dd with my x. We actually have week on/week off visitation with joint legal and physical custody. We are also polar opposites on many, many things (completely different rules on makeup, dating, curfews, allowance, money, clothes - pretty much everything). She was 8 years old when we divorced and she has handled it very well, even with two entirely different sets of rules. I think younger kids may find it more confusing (you didn't mention the ages of yours) but even a 6 or 7 year old can understand having to follow different rules in different houses (can come up when visiting friends or relatives - my ds already knows that MIL's rules are not the same as ours).

 

One of the things that I feel helped my dd a lot was a small, group counseling session she did at school. It was a group of kids who had parents who were divorced or in the process of getting divorced. They had weekly meetings with a counselors supervision. Mostly they played games and did activities but it was a chance for her to see that there were other kids going through the same thing she was and if she felt the need to talk about it she could (while not being required). I don't know what your options are for something similar for your kids. I don't think she would have done as well in a one-on-one counseling situation since the pressure to talk would have upset her.

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug:

[Renee in NC]

It will be okay in the end. I am almost 17 years separated from my oldest's father (we weren't married) and he has turned out to be a really good guy. My ds hasn't been confused, even though we are polar opposites. Our family is (comparatively) pretty conservative. His father sings in a rock band. That's just a small piece of the differences!

 

Just remember that you *both* love those children and want what's best for them, even if you can't agree on what that is. I have to remind myself of this regularly (and my ds at times!)

[Peela]

I am a child of divorced parents and it was rough for me but I tihnk it coudl have been much, much easier if: my parents had stayed more focused on the kids and less on their new marriages; I had been taken to proper counselling for my depression (not the local doctor who just put me on the pill!; I knew more kids who had divorced parents and so felt less ashmed of it.

All things that were doable.

 

Dh and I were separated for 18 months and I honestly dont think our kids were too damaged, if at all. They had lots of access to both parents. Lots of open communication especialyl about feelings, neither parent *****ed about the other to the kids...we were friendly with each other.

 

I dont think it has to be bad at all, especially if both parents are involved and trying. It gets bad when the parents themselves dont handle it well and dont communicate well, or one parent opts out...all sorts of awful scenarios happen. But its ok, it doenst automatically mean kids are goign to be damaged in anyway that is permanent. If they can be given space to feel, express and let go of their emotions...they can heal through most things.

[Mama Geek]

My parents divorced when I was 13. I had a lot of baggage that carried over into my marriage from it. After about 9 years we had a really good pastor that was able to help myself and my husband. Now our marriage has been really good for the last 5 or 6 years but it took a lot.

 

My brother who is 6 years younger than me has many more problems than I did.

[Carrie12345]

My ex and I are polar opposites in some respects. Religiously (none) and politically (liberal/libertarian) we're on the same page, which helps a bit, but the way we live our lives couldn't be more different.

 

It hasn't *confused* ds at all. He's never known us together (we split up when he was a year old), but has spent nearly 11 years going back and forth between two different lifestyles. I have to admit, he likes being at his dad's more than here, but I believe that's completely natural. Dad is fun, Dad doesn't discipline, Dad doesn't have chores or school work. Step-mom makes favorite dinners and takes him shopping and lets him eat junk. What kid could resist?

 

I know there will be a time when ds wants to try living with his dad. I'm bracing for it. But he does understand the household philosophies here, and I think he genuinely appreciates them. I do believe they will stick with him, regardless of what happens in the future. I've done my job, and will continue doing so.

 

:grouphug:

[freetobeme]

thanks for your words of encouragement, kind thoughts, hugs, and prayers. my kids seem to be doing well. i think there probably should be some counseling for some if not all of them at some point.

the break up is not as civil as it could be and i think when things are more final and settled, it will be better. their dad isn't extremely "healthy" iykwim, but in some ways, i think he may be a better dad now because he doesn't live with us full-time anymore.

my kids are my life and raising them is my calling so we will just keep pressin' on. . .thanks again!

[2squared]

I dont think it has to be bad at all, especially if both parents are involved and trying. It gets bad when the parents themselves dont handle it well and dont communicate well, or one parent opts out...all sorts of awful scenarios happen. But its ok, it doenst automatically mean kids are goign to be damaged in anyway that is permanent. If they can be given space to feel, express and let go of their emotions...they can heal through most things.

 

:iagree: My parents haven't talked since they were divorced 20 years ago. My mom just can't let go of all the baggage still. I think if you make the kids and their well being a priority (which means acknowledging that they do have another parent and actually working with that parent at times), the kids will be fine.

[Joanne]

thanks for your words of encouragement, kind thoughts, hugs, and prayers. my kids seem to be doing well. i think there probably should be some counseling for some if not all of them at some point.

the break up is not as civil as it could be and i think when things are more final and settled, it will be better. their dad isn't extremely "healthy" iykwim, but in some ways, i think he may be a better dad now because he doesn't live with us full-time anymore.

my kids are my life and raising them is my calling so we will just keep pressin' on. . .thanks again!

 

I wish I could be more reassuring.

 

It depends on the functioning of both parents separately and as co-parents. If your xh has problems beyond average and needing intervention, your children will be at risk to related issues to the degree of his unhealed-ness.

 

If his issues prevent the best co-parenting arrangement, it will hurt your kids.

 

You can mitigate some of that through friends and family support. A community of faith. Professional mental help.

 

The other thing to consider is that if he's unwell, your kids were destined to suffer anyway, with or without divorce.

 

I've observed (and now researched) that the children hardest hit with divorce related trauma are from parents who didn't parent the children intentionally with the divorce and ramifications in mind. Children need to be told certain things over and over (ie: it's not their fault), they need to be told certain things about the divorce and co-parenting, but not others. Parents need to avoid promiscuity, serial relationships, sudden relationships, minimize to the greatest exent possible changes in routine, teach children about the grief process, help them find a safe person to talk to, etc.

 

Kids can be "ok", but it take intentionality. The more damaged one or more of the parents, the more resources it takes to move the kids through it in the best manner possible under the circumstances.

[freetobeme]

I wish I could be more reassuring.

 

It depends on the functioning of both parents separately and as co-parents. If your xh has problems beyond average and needing intervention, your children will be at risk to related issues to the degree of his unhealed-ness.

 

If his issues prevent the best co-parenting arrangement, it will hurt your kids.

 

You can mitigate some of that through friends and family support. A community of faith. Professional mental help.

 

The other thing to consider is that if he's unwell, your kids were destined to suffer anyway, with or without divorce.

 

I've observed (and now researched) that the children hardest hit with divorce related trauma are from parents who didn't parent the children intentionally with the divorce and ramifications in mind. Children need to be told certain things over and over (ie: it's not their fault), they need to be told certain things about the divorce and co-parenting, but not others. Parents need to avoid promiscuity, serial relationships, sudden relationships, minimize to the greatest exent possible changes in routine, teach children about the grief process, help them find a safe person to talk to, etc.

 

Kids can be "ok", but it take intentionality. The more damaged one or more of the parents, the more resources it takes to move the kids through it in the best manner possible under the circumstances.

 

thanks for your input, joanne.

i am concerned about several of the things you mentioned. i am open with my children - trying to find the balance and not be too open.

co-parenting will be a challenge, but actually one that we have lived with for their entire lives. . .

at this time, there are no other "partners" involved and i don't foresee that in the near future.

i will be thinking about all that you have said. your honesty is helpful.

thank you.

i'd like to send you a pm if that's okay. . .

[PollyOR]

Just remember that you *both* love those children and want what's best for them, even if you can't agree on what that is.

 

Well said.

[beezus]

I think we've lived the same life, Carrie1234, except I have a daughter instead of a son. I don't think she's been confused by us living apart. She knows the rules are quite different between here and there, but it doesn't seem to interfere with her enjoyment of both places. I think separate households can work out fine if parents put aside their baggage and focus on the fact that the kids need meaningful time with both parents. We've had some moments of irritation, but hey, it's the same kind of irritation I was putting up with on a daily basis before divorce! There's just less of it now since we don't live together. Sometimes I think it can be a worse environment for kids when parents stay together if mom and dad are bickering constantly or disrespecting each other.

 

My ex and I are polar opposites in some respects. Religiously (none) and politically (liberal/libertarian) we're on the same page, which helps a bit, but the way we live our lives couldn't be more different.

 

It hasn't *confused* ds at all. He's never known us together (we split up when he was a year old), but has spent nearly 11 years going back and forth between two different lifestyles. I have to admit, he likes being at his dad's more than here, but I believe that's completely natural. Dad is fun, Dad doesn't discipline, Dad doesn't have chores or school work. Step-mom makes favorite dinners and takes him shopping and lets him eat junk. What kid could resist?

 

 

:grouphug:

 

I would just keep an eye on how the kids seem to be progressing. Consider counseling if you think it would be useful for them. There's going to be a period of adjustment no matter what.

 

Kathleen