New homeschooler and struggling with sibling discord, etc.

[yellowperch]

I have just bee reading the thread

"What is the best advice you could give to a beginner homeschooler? (1 2 3) "

and I came across that rang true. I would really like to do the following, (these are quotes from that thread):

"Teach them to be obedient to you and kind, respectful, and serving to each other. Don't find ways *around* issues (like sibling conflict or stubborn disobedience), find ways to reframe your household so that you *enjoy* being with your children and they *enjoy* being with each other. Home school families are together a *lot* -- just getting through it isn't enough. ;)"

 

:iagree:

 

"I would phrase it as "guard their souls." Keep them compassionate, kind, respectful, keep them in an emotional and mental place where they are stunned by ill behavior. Help loving kindness be normal, the standard."

 

 

But I don't really don't know how. My children left public school six weeks ago. They are great kids--smart, funny, kind, ready to learn--excpept when they aren't. Then they bicker, whine, complain and require lots of nagging.

 

So tell me, please, how do I create that loving, co-operative atmosphere that I need, and that they need too.

 

Thank you!

[TXMomof4]

I'm sure you will get much better advice than what I have to offer, but I'd start at the beginning. Drop any academics for a little while and spend time learning to be together. Spend lots of time playing, reading, working on projects together until your kids are each other's best friends again.

 

We've homeschooled from the beginning, but I find that when each of us get involved in our own things - each girl going different directions, that it is much harder to be together. We all forget that the other people in the family *belong* with us and we start to pull our separate ways and it's hard to find that common ground. When we spend time working on something as a group we remember that we like each other and enjoy each other as opposed to finding fault with every little thing.

 

Like I said, I'm sure someone will have more practical advice, but this is what has worked for us. Good luck and enjoy!

[Karen in CO]

Drop any academics for a little while and spend time learning to be together. Spend lots of time playing, reading, working on projects together until your kids are each other's best friends again.

!

 

:iagree:

This is exactly what I would suggest. Along with that, I'd suggest lots of fresh air, sunshine and exercise. The fresh air is terrific for you when they are being fussy. Some type of outside chore is terrific for them when they are not getting along. Picking up doggie doo, pulling dandylions, making a raised bed garden - one for each. These are great. I have even resorted to the old grade school staple of running laps around the yard for kids that can't get along. Playing together, building things together, working together - these will build the bonds that will help to create the type of atmosphere that you are probably looking for. The kids need to be friends which is built by shared experiences.

[2squared]

I am far from an expert, but I focus on having my kids serve each other and serve our family. My olders are expected to help the youngers, and everyone pitches in for scheduled and as-needed chores.

 

When I am on top of my game, I make concerted efforts to spend time with all of them together. I try to teach them how to interact and how to treasure the special gifts each of them has. If they see me playing, having fun, and loving on our 3yo (who is our most challenging personality right now), they then do a better job of interacting with him.

 

I am pretty matter-of-fact about the workload. We are all in this together. I expect training them to take a lot of hands-on time (and a lot of nagging), and of course, the work must be done before anyone gets to eat or participate in special activities. :D

[yellowperch]

Just bumping to hear more about creating harmony, positive feelings among siblings and a culture of respect all around. Thank you. I need your best advice.

[justlittleoldme]

How old are your kids? Were they in public school? I've head you need to take some time and let them adjust from not being in super scheduled public school mode- to being a homeschooler.

[myfunnybunch]

For me, it takes a lot of patience.

 

I had a big Aha. I set the tone. I model and expect cheerful, polite, willing behavior. I don't let a cross child or a sibling argument pull me off course (on an ideal day, lol). About...a year ago?...my kids were bickering and didn't want to cooperate with me or one another and so on. Then I would get crabby and cross too. It was Not. Fun.

 

Then I realized, Oh! I don't have to jump in the deep end with them!

 

As much as I'd like to sit back and make sure that they just behave themselves, if I am not involved, attentive, cheerful, polite, patient, willing, kind....they won't be either. If I want harmony, positive feelings among siblings and a culture of respect, I have to model and live that for them to see. And it is exhausting! At least, it is to me, exhausting to be mindfully engaged all the time. But in the long run we have better days and it is far easier than intervening and reacting.

 

Once I had the Aha, it translated into concrete ways to approach all of the attitude issues, so I wasn't just reacting in the moment. We play games together often, for example. We make sure that we've got a daily quiet time so we all get a break from one another. If one child is having a rough day, I find them some time to re-group. We talk a lot about how the choices we make with our behaviors and attitudes can often make the exact same day a good one or bad one.

 

It'll just take time and practice for all of you. :) You've made a huge change in your lives. Big changes create big reactions, and theyre going to need lots of practice and coaching on harmony and respect. Give all of you some time and you'll start to sort things out and find your feet.

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

[woolybear]

I am very much in need of help in this area and so cannot give much good advice. I do know, however, some of what makes all that negative behaviour worse. By far, anyone or worse yet all of us, being tired is the biggest problem. To that end, I try not to overdo outside activities. Also, making sure everyone has good sleeping environments, healthy food, and plenty of exercise. When I let one of those areas slack off, we all suffer due to added bickering, etc. So, I guess my advice is.....take it easy, don't do too much, make sure everyone get's a good nights sleep, plenty of exercise, and good healthy food.

 

And if none of that works, lock them in the dungeon for awhile.....;)

[abbeyej]

First, welcome and congratulations on beginning your home school journey! :)

 

Second, since I wrote some of what you quoted above, I guess I'd better answer... ;)

 

I see that your kids are recently out of school and of course it's summer as well (assuming you're in the northern hemisphere). So take this time *not* to do school, but just to work on learning to be together all the time and enjoying each other's company. That's a big adjustment! I love my dh dearly, but when his schedule changes significantly either to working away from home most of the time or to working at home most of the time, it's always an adjustment. ... Having kids suddenly home from school is big too -- no matter how much you love 'em. ;)

 

So be patient with them and with yourself as you all transition.

 

There've been several other posts about "routine" in the last day or so, and I think that's something worth considering. How can you establish smooth routines in your home now that the kids are around full time? And, of course, you likely have various activities for individual kids or the whole family and you need to work around those. So sometime soon, when the kids are in bed, think through your week. What are the anchors -- the things that have to happen on a set day and time pretty much every week? From there, add in the things that happen daily at roughly the same times. These would usually be mealtimes and bedtime. (Ooh, and with a baby, naptime!) Anything else will fit around those...

 

Now ask yourself what chores your kids can do that will be helpful to you (the things that don't actually take you *more* time to supervise them doing than to do yourself). Try to assign a helpful chore (or a couple) to everybody but the baby, and a reasonable time to expect those chores to be done. Again, consider tying these to one of your anchors, so it's easier to establish -- so maybe after breakfast one child loads the dishwasher and another cleans the dining table while a third sweeps, and then after tooth-brushing at bedtime, one child wipes down the counters while another checks to make sure the laundry has been distributed to bedrooms or... Whatever. ;)

 

But everybody needs a job and to feel that their contribution to the family is important. Maybe you already have a good chore routine! But if not, time to give everybody the chance to feel useful and important and to serve the family as a whole. They may not thank you for it immediately, lol, but I do believe it's important.

 

If the baby has regular naptimes, you may want to establish one of these as "quiet time" for the whole family. Check out SWB's YouTube video about how to do this. It gives everybody a chance to rest and regroup, and the older ones some quiet away from the youngers, and you a chance to recharge so you can be really present and engaged with your kids again after quiet time.

 

Next, think of some fun things to fill out your routine. You want to work on "team building" within your family. This means working together, *laughing* together, developing shared experiences and a shared vocabulary. There are all kinds of ways to do this, and different ones will work better in different families, largely based on what *you* enjoy doing with your kids. Reading aloud together is a particularly wonderful one because it establishes certain stories as part of your family culture. Years from now your kids might say to one another, "It's only the rats!" (The Railway Children) and laugh and laugh, or ... There are so many wonderful books to read and enjoy together. Or it could be baking together, decorating cookies, and delivering them to elderly neighbors. Or, this being summer, playing in the sprinkler. Digging a garden. Having a daily "tea time" where you drink tea and eat carrot sticks. Singing together. Doing crafts or activities from Family Fun (magazine)... Going "LetterBoxing" where you take small urban hikes and follow directions looking for a hidden box with a stamp in it to show you found your way... Family movie night with homemade pizza and popcorn. Family game night. Memorizing poetry together. Catching lightning bugs...

 

As far as the sibling stuff goes... There will always be some amount of conflict between siblings. Maybe an almost imperceptible amount, maybe quite a bit more... But I believe there are things you can do to mitigate this. Just don't take it personally if there's a little. Sigh. It happens.

 

Siblings should never be allowed to be cruel to each other. Calling names, mean-spirited teasing... These are zero-tolerance offenses. (I would say physical violence too, but often this comes *after* the points above.) There's no, "Oh, children torment each other." Well, they do sometimes, but if you tolerate it at all, it will grow, and someone will be hurt and resentful and someone will be a bully. So stop them. Instantly and firmly.

 

If children are not treating each other kindly, I find that asking them to think of three things they *like* about their sibling can be helpful. Sometimes this can be done orally (usually you need to take the child into another room and have them think of then tell *you* the three things before they have to tell a sibling -- otherwise you risk starting the whole thing over again), and sometimes a written letter stating three things they love about a sibling is better. Any child who is old enough to talk can do this, and you can write for any child who isn't yet able on his or her own. Then they tell the other or present the letter....

 

A follow up to the last exercise is to think of three ways to *serve* the other sibling. (And, btw, most of the time all of the kids involved are doing this, since it's rare that the offense is entirely one-sided.) Could be "I could unload the dishwasher for her" or "I could read him a story"... Whatever. But it has to be something that genuinely, kindly serves the other.

 

Other times you can assign a chore that requires team work. One sweeps, the other holds the dustpan. It could be silly like tying two kids together (wrists and ankles) and then having them wipe down all of the baseboards while tied together. Whatever it is, they have to work together to accomplish the task.

 

And sometimes kids just need to be in separate places for a little while. Even if that's just one sitting at the top of the stairs (or "the Steppes" as I like to think of them in my mind, when using them as a place to banish kids) and one at the bottom.

 

Follow through, whatever you do. Discipline firmly but gently, consistently with love. I find I have to nag more if I'm less fully engaged with my kids throughout the day. And it's very easy to get distracted. But if I'm fully engaged in being a mom and being with them, I catch things sooner and I have the energy to follow through better, so that we don't get to the point of my needing to nag or yell nearly as much. (I'm human, I still do both. Sigh.)

 

Establish routines. Things that need to be done. And things that create joyful memories and loving bonds. Work on expressing love for each other and learning to serve each other with gladness.

 

And then the academics. Later. Enjoy your summer first. ;)

[Hillary in KS]

First, welcome and congratulations on beginning your home school journey! :)

 

Second, since I wrote some of what you quoted above, I guess I'd better answer... ;)

 

I see that your kids are recently out of school and of course it's summer as well (assuming you're in the northern hemisphere). So take this time *not* to do school, but just to work on learning to be together all the time and enjoying each other's company. That's a big adjustment! I love my dh dearly, but when his schedule changes significantly either to working away from home most of the time or to working at home most of the time, it's always an adjustment. ... Having kids suddenly home from school is big too -- no matter how much you love 'em. ;)

 

So be patient with them and with yourself as you all transition.

 

There've been several other posts about "routine" in the last day or so, and I think that's something worth considering. How can you establish smooth routines in your home now that the kids are around full time? And, of course, you likely have various activities for individual kids or the whole family and you need to work around those. So sometime soon, when the kids are in bed, think through your week. What are the anchors -- the things that have to happen on a set day and time pretty much every week? From there, add in the things that happen daily at roughly the same times. These would usually be mealtimes and bedtime. (Ooh, and with a baby, naptime!) Anything else will fit around those...

 

Now ask yourself what chores your kids can do that will be helpful to you (the things that don't actually take you *more* time to supervise them doing than to do yourself). Try to assign a helpful chore (or a couple) to everybody but the baby, and a reasonable time to expect those chores to be done. Again, consider tying these to one of your anchors, so it's easier to establish -- so maybe after breakfast one child loads the dishwasher and another cleans the dining table while a third sweeps, and then after tooth-brushing at bedtime, one child wipes down the counters while another checks to make sure the laundry has been distributed to bedrooms or... Whatever. ;)

 

But everybody needs a job and to feel that their contribution to the family is important. Maybe you already have a good chore routine! But if not, time to give everybody the chance to feel useful and important and to serve the family as a whole. They may not thank you for it immediately, lol, but I do believe it's important.

 

If the baby has regular naptimes, you may want to establish one of these as "quiet time" for the whole family. Check out SWB's YouTube video about how to do this. It gives everybody a chance to rest and regroup, and the older ones some quiet away from the youngers, and you a chance to recharge so you can be really present and engaged with your kids again after quiet time.

 

Next, think of some fun things to fill out your routine. You want to work on "team building" within your family. This means working together, *laughing* together, developing shared experiences and a shared vocabulary. There are all kinds of ways to do this, and different ones will work better in different families, largely based on what *you* enjoy doing with your kids. Reading aloud together is a particularly wonderful one because it establishes certain stories as part of your family culture. Years from now your kids might say to one another, "It's only the rats!" (The Railway Children) and laugh and laugh, or ... There are so many wonderful books to read and enjoy together. Or it could be baking together, decorating cookies, and delivering them to elderly neighbors. Or, this being summer, playing in the sprinkler. Digging a garden. Having a daily "tea time" where you drink tea and eat carrot sticks. Singing together. Doing crafts or activities from Family Fun (magazine)... Going "LetterBoxing" where you take small urban hikes and follow directions looking for a hidden box with a stamp in it to show you found your way... Family movie night with homemade pizza and popcorn. Family game night. Memorizing poetry together. Catching lightning bugs...

 

As far as the sibling stuff goes... There will always be some amount of conflict between siblings. Maybe an almost imperceptible amount, maybe quite a bit more... But I believe there are things you can do to mitigate this. Just don't take it personally if there's a little. Sigh. It happens.

 

Siblings should never be allowed to be cruel to each other. Calling names, mean-spirited teasing... These are zero-tolerance offenses. (I would say physical violence too, but often this comes *after* the points above.) There's no, "Oh, children torment each other." Well, they do sometimes, but if you tolerate it at all, it will grow, and someone will be hurt and resentful and someone will be a bully. So stop them. Instantly and firmly.

 

If children are not treating each other kindly, I find that asking them to think of three things they *like* about their sibling can be helpful. Sometimes this can be done orally (usually you need to take the child into another room and have them think of then tell *you* the three things before they have to tell a sibling -- otherwise you risk starting the whole thing over again), and sometimes a written letter stating three things they love about a sibling is better. Any child who is old enough to talk can do this, and you can write for any child who isn't yet able on his or her own. Then they tell the other or present the letter....

 

A follow up to the last exercise is to think of three ways to *serve* the other sibling. (And, btw, most of the time all of the kids involved are doing this, since it's rare that the offense is entirely one-sided.) Could be "I could unload the dishwasher for her" or "I could read him a story"... Whatever. But it has to be something that genuinely, kindly serves the other.

 

Other times you can assign a chore that requires team work. One sweeps, the other holds the dustpan. It could be silly like tying two kids together (wrists and ankles) and then having them wipe down all of the baseboards while tied together. Whatever it is, they have to work together to accomplish the task.

 

And sometimes kids just need to be in separate places for a little while. Even if that's just one sitting at the top of the stairs (or "the Steppes" as I like to think of them in my mind, when using them as a place to banish kids) and one at the bottom.

 

Follow through, whatever you do. Discipline firmly but gently, consistently with love. I find I have to nag more if I'm less fully engaged with my kids throughout the day. And it's very easy to get distracted. But if I'm fully engaged in being a mom and being with them, I catch things sooner and I have the energy to follow through better, so that we don't get to the point of my needing to nag or yell nearly as much. (I'm human, I still do both. Sigh.)

 

Establish routines. Things that need to be done. And things that create joyful memories and loving bonds. Work on expressing love for each other and learning to serve each other with gladness.

 

And then the academics. Later. Enjoy your summer first. ;)

 

:iagree:

 

This.

[Starr]

I think an hour of on your bed time in the afternoon helps give everyone some space. Naps or reading when my dc were younger. Now they'll just go in their own rooms on their own for some quiet time.