Difficult Teens and plans for the future

[springmama]

As my daughter approaches 11th grade, I've realized it's time for me to face a very difficult subject with her.

 

When discussing her plans for the future, she tells me that there is only one job worth the trouble of going to college and if she does not get this particular job with a specific company (writing music articles for Alternative Press), then there is just no point to college at all. She refuses to put any time or effort into any other career. Period.

 

She's always been this way. She would only do something if she were guaranteed optimum results. Even if she had a 90% chance of getting the desired result, it was not good enough. She's wasted a lot of opportunities this way.

 

I'm actually pretty fed up with this attitude but have no idea how to change it. I'm about to sign her up for coop classes this fall because I just cannot have her home as much as she was last year. She's going into 11th grade and I feel like we need a plan but with her stubborn attitude, there is just no way I can discuss the future without wanting to bang my head (and hers) against a brick wall, lol.

 

I know what many will say- why go to college at all? Well, the thing with this child is that she's kind of lazy and immature. I just cannot see her putting forth the hard work involved in making it in the real world without some sort of education to put on a resume. Even then, she'll be skating on thin ice.

 

I was a difficult child with no goals. Once I had her at age 19 I realized I needed to do something. I think I turned out okay but I am terrified for her.

[Peela]

She's 15? That's a long way from 19. My dd16nextweek only has a vague idea of what she wants to do. Is your dd getting plenty of reality checks in other parts of her life? She is doing chores, has a part time job, earning pocket money, that sort of thing? My kids have motivation...they want stuff, they want to go on camps...we do a lot of 2nd hand buying and a bit of selling- they know the value of money. Thats motivation for being a bit grounded about earning money in the "real world". My dd is an artist at heart but agrees with us that art school is an expensive way to follow that passion...so she is looking at creative ways to follow her creativity that are more likely to earn her money.

Ultimately, you can only do what you can do- taking it out of the realm of power struggle with you sounds important- maybe you need to back off and let her fail, or feel concern for her own future? I don't know. But..if she is still 15, she likely needs more space and time to dream and plan rather than come up with a solid plan already.

[springmama]

I have felt that way until this year, when she's entering 11th grade and telling me she's fine with living in a double wide with a few friends and will be happy working for minimum wage.

 

Of course with her attitude, getting her on her own at all is half the battle. Maybe she will be happy living that way, but I just can't stand the fact that she has so many opportunities and may just choose to do nothing.\

 

We do allow her to realize the value of money and try to teach her to save, but she just blows her allowance and doesn't care.

[Kari C in SC]

She's 15? That's a long way from 19. My dd16nextweek only has a vague idea of what she wants to do. Is your dd getting plenty of reality checks in other parts of her life? She is doing chores, has a part time job, earning pocket money, that sort of thing? My kids have motivation...they want stuff, they want to go on camps...we do a lot of 2nd hand buying and a bit of selling- they know the value of money. Thats motivation for being a bit grounded about earning money in the "real world". My dd is an artist at heart but agrees with us that art school is an expensive way to follow that passion...so she is looking at creative ways to follow her creativity that are more likely to earn her money.

Ultimately, you can only do what you can do- taking it out of the realm of power struggle with you sounds important- maybe you need to back off and let her fail, or feel concern for her own future? I don't know. But..if she is still 15, she likely needs more space and time to dream and plan rather than come up with a solid plan already.

 

:iagree:

 

When my ds was 16, he had no clue. He hated school and did as little as possible. We told him he had to work if he wasn't going to do a lot of school. He got a job right at 16. Over the next 3 years, he learned a lot about himself and what he didn't want. When he was 19, he worked a ton at losing weight and studying to enter the Army. I had never seen him so determined. It just took him some time.

 

My dh was the same way. He had no clue at 16, but at about 21 saw a path that would work for him. There really is no magic age - it just takes growing up.

[Mejane]

I didn't go to college until I was 24. Upon high school graduation, my dad told me if I didn't go to college and continued to live at home, I needed to work full-time. I worked in retail and as a CNA. Those years helped me grow up and realize I wanted more. I was much more successful in college at 24 than I would have been at 18.

Edited June 2, 2010 by Mejane

[Lisa R.]

I think there is nothing so motivating to get further training or more education than a menial job. I'm a big believer in kids getting jobs, particularly for the summer. I know these jobs are hard to come by. This is a lesson in itself... When a child receives an allowance, I think it can be less motivating to find a decent job.

 

I think most teens need a big dose of reality. When they need to earn their own money for spending, they start seeing that earning money is harder than it looks. If they have a cell phone, require them to pay for it, for example. I think many kids have no idea how expensive it is to live on one's own.

[springmama]

I think there is nothing so motivating to get further training or more education than a menial job. I'm a big believer in kids getting jobs, particularly for the summer. I know these jobs are hard to come by. This is a lesson in itself... When a child receives an allowance, I think it can be less motivating to find a decent job.

 

I think most teens need a big dose of reality. When they need to earn their own money for spending, they start seeing that earning money is harder than it looks. If they have a cell phone, require them to pay for it, for example. I think many kids have no idea how expensive it is to live on one's own.

 

This is something to consider. Thanks! It never occurred to me not to give her an allowance and for some kids working outside the home would probably not be the best thing, but this child needs to learn what it means to work and at home, her chores just aren't enough to teach this lesson.

[ereks mom]

There really is no magic age - it just takes growing up.

 

:iagree:

[Lisa R.]

for some kids working outside the home would probably not be the best thing

 

I'm curious. Why do think it's not a good thing for some kids to work outside the home?

[JVA]

I have been surprised, no....dismayed, that most of our kids' friends have it so easy. (I'm not saying you're doing that) Their parents pay for the cell phone, car insurance and sometimes even the gas. Ours paid for portions depending on how much they earned. At 16, at the golf course, they earned less than they do now while working at Lowe's- so they pay more now. We stopped giving allowance when they could get a job. That realization of how hard it is to earn and save $ is SO necessary for their maturity.

One of ours was particularly STUBBORN. He has had to go through the school of hard knocks to really get it. It's been painful to watch and many times, I wanted to help out. My husband held me back and that young man is much better for it. He had to get himself out of his own pickles- money, insurance, bills, transportation , classes etc.

If I were in your shoes, I'd require her to get some kind of job this summer so she can see how things really are. These kind of kids- believe me, I know - can't really hear you and have to experience it themselves. Even when you point out to them the pitfalls. They can be heroes in their own minds. I wish it was easier but maturity comes at different times for different kids.

[springmama]

I'm curious. Why do think it's not a good thing for some kids to work outside the home?

 

I just think that for some kids working outside the home would actually get in the way of learning. I'm not talking about your average teen. I'm talking about those who work so hard at learning that they put forth the kid of effort most adults do at a full time job. Those kids deserve some downtime every day just like the rest of us and making them work all day at school then all evening at a job might just be too much.

 

My kid is not like that though. She needs to learn the value of hard work outside the home cause she certainly isn't learning it here....if I could make her learn it here, it would be at the expense of the younger kids and I'm not willing to fight that battle all day long when I need to be teaching my younger ones.

[Haiku]

She refuses to put any time or effort into any other career. Period.

 

 

If she refuses, you can't make her. You can lead a horse and all that.

 

I agree with other posters that this girl needs to get a job and start funding her own lifestyle. Our dd is 15 and we are not requiring a job this summer since her options are so limited. However, she also works very hard in school, so we take that into consideration. Next summer, however, when she is 16 and has a wide variety of employment opportunities open to her, she will be required to get a job, and she will fund her own lifestyle.

 

Our dd was adopted at an older age, and her values system is, in many ways, vastly different from ours. I have spent a few years baning my head against the wall trying to get her to see things from our point of view. I have finally realized that her life is her own and we can't force her to make wise decisions. It sounds like your dd (as well as mine) is suffering from a large case of immaturity. I'd imagine time will cure some of it, but so will some artfully arranged opportunities on your part to help her see what adult life is like.

 

Tara

[Pippen]

I think there is nothing so motivating to get further training or more education than a menial job. .

 

:iagree:The summer before I went to college I worked 2nd shift at a gasket factory. My job was to punch out the gaskets as they came off the presses and stack them in boxes. It was boring, dirty, allergy flaring up, lonely work and was definitely a big motivator.

[Anne]

I agree that your dd ought to work. If a "real job" is not possible for her in your area, I would encourage babysitting, pet sitting, yard work, etc.

 

I would encourage this by NOT giving her an allowance, NOT funding life style choices, etc. For instance, when I turned 16, my parents told me how much their insurance would increase if I was licensed to drive. I was allowed to get my license when I could afford to pay for that increase.

 

Clothing - we got a clothing allowance which paid only for the basics. If I wanted anything beyond that, I had to earn it myself.

 

I would also add that I think it's really important when you have a difficult teen to consciously make opportunities for good times with your teen (not saying you don't!). As the Love & Logic guru says, you have to lock in the love to keep your communication open!

 

:grouphug:

 

Anne

[m0mmaBuck]

As my daughter approaches 11th grade, I've realized it's time for me to face a very difficult subject with her.

 

When discussing her plans for the future, she tells me that there is only one job worth the trouble of going to college and if she does not get this particular job with a specific company (writing music articles for Alternative Press), then there is just no point to college at all. She refuses to put any time or effort into any other career. Period.

 

She's always been this way. She would only do something if she were guaranteed optimum results. Even if she had a 90% chance of getting the desired result, it was not good enough. She's wasted a lot of opportunities this way.

 

I'm actually pretty fed up with this attitude but have no idea how to change it. I'm about to sign her up for coop classes this fall because I just cannot have her home as much as she was last year. She's going into 11th grade and I feel like we need a plan but with her stubborn attitude, there is just no way I can discuss the future without wanting to bang my head (and hers) against a brick wall, lol.

 

I know what many will say- why go to college at all? Well, the thing with this child is that she's kind of lazy and immature. I just cannot see her putting forth the hard work involved in making it in the real world without some sort of education to put on a resume. Even then, she'll be skating on thin ice.

 

I was a difficult child with no goals. Once I had her at age 19 I realized I needed to do something. I think I turned out okay but I am terrified for her.

 

My oldest doesn't even have that one job that he thinks is worthwhile. He doesn't feel college is worthwhile because many of the people he knows aren't even doing what they went to college for in the first place. He's the first person on his mother's side to even try to graduate from high school. His in a strange place.

 

This may offer some "peace" to you. MANY of his PS friends' parents' say their kids are the same way. They are graduating in droves with no earthly idea of what they want to do. They have no goals or direction for the future. They figure they'll figure it out in college. For many, college has become the new high school. Everyone is expected to go in some form and they will "grow up" there.

 

I have felt that way until this year, when she's entering 11th grade and telling me she's fine with living in a double wide with a few friends and will be happy working for minimum wage.

 

Of course with her attitude, getting her on her own at all is half the battle. Maybe she will be happy living that way, but I just can't stand the fact that she has so many opportunities and may just choose to do nothing.\

 

We do allow her to realize the value of money and try to teach her to save, but she just blows her allowance and doesn't care.

 

Again, I can identify with this. DS has said that he wuold be happy working in some repetition factory job for the rest of his life as long as it gives him enough money to do the things he likes to do. We are trying to find him some type of mundane manual labor job for the summer. Maybe he will be happy. Maybe he will decide he wants more. Honestly, as long as he is happy and finds a life in which he can support himself and hopefully some day a family, I don't care if he digs ditches or writes for the NYT.

 

I think there is nothing so motivating to get further training or more education than a menial job. I'm a big believer in kids getting jobs, particularly for the summer. I know these jobs are hard to come by. This is a lesson in itself... When a child receives an allowance, I think it can be less motivating to find a decent job.

 

I think most teens need a big dose of reality. When they need to earn their own money for spending, they start seeing that earning money is harder than it looks. If they have a cell phone, require them to pay for it, for example. I think many kids have no idea how expensive it is to live on one's own.

 

I agree. We don't pay our kids an allowance. There are chores they are expected to do and they get paid only for what they do above and beyond their "family responsibilities."

 

DS18 had no idea how much it cost us to have him on our car insurance (it more than doubled our premium) or how much it cost each month for his gas until we showed him on paper what his "extras" cost. He was trying to determine how much it would cost him to live on his own. He looked up apartment prices in the area and we figured in food, power, water, phone, car insurance, gas, etc). Then we figured out how many hours he would have to work each month at minimum wage in order to pay for it all. It was an eye opener.

 

 

If she refuses, you can't make her. You can lead a horse and all that.

 

Our dd was adopted at an older age, and her values system is, in many ways, vastly different from ours. I have spent a few years baning my head against the wall trying to get her to see things from our point of view. I have finally realized that her life is her own and we can't force her to make wise decisions. It sounds like your dd (as well as mine) is suffering from a large case of immaturity. I'd imagine time will cure some of it, but so will some artfully arranged opportunities on your part to help her see what adult life is like.

 

Tara

 

DS18 moved in with us when he was 14 so even though I've known him since he was 3, the house he was raised in was much different than ours. However, I think summer jobs and/or part-time jobs at a menial wage as well as being responsible for at least some of their expenses goes a long way to show a child what life may hold in store for them.

[Liz CA]

I am more wondering about her need to have assurance that she will succeed before she will even try. What makes her so afraid of failing? We all need to fail now and then and we learn from it.

I think I would try to explore this a little more. It seems, many other things would fall into place once she is more willing to try and try again.

I also agree that in the teenage world, 19 is a long way from 16. A lot of maturing takes place during those years.