Mentally Ill Spouse

[mom31257]

Have any of you had the experience of a mentally ill spouse? One of my sisters is dealing with this right now. She has no one around her that has had to go through this and really could use some advice. She is not sure how much to do for her husband, especially in the matter of getting help for him.

 

He can make himself go to work every day and function there, but can't seem to make himself do things that could be put on her shoulders. Right now he is trying to get to a psychiatrist for medicine, but the appointment is going to be somewhat far off. If they won't call him in medicine, he is saying he will not make the calls to make that happen. It's up to her to do it.

 

Here's some background on the situation. Her dh is very OCD and has high levels of fear and anxiety. He started Christian counseling about 4-5 years ago, but has steadily gotten worse. He has tried medicine a couple of times, but has mostly tried natural diets such as Hallelujah Acres, going off gluten, etc. He is seeing a doctor right now that is doing kelation because he has high levels of a few metals in his body (exposed to them at work).

 

On top of all this their son, who is 16, is special needs. He has epilepsy due to an immunization shot as a baby. They've never been able to get it under good control, so he is developmentally around 4-6. He has Celiac disease and is now being tested for mitochondrial disease. He is homeschooled, so she is in this 24 hours a day. Most of his seizures occur during his sleep, so her sleep is constantly interrupted. She has developed fibromyalgia due to this.

 

They do not have internet because dh is afraid of it being in their home. I thought maybe I could find someone on here that I could email for her when she has questions. She would never divorce him, but if things don't improve soon, she may have to ask him to move in with his parents. It is so much stress on her, and she has to stay well and sane to care for my nephew.

 

Thanks for any help!

[MaMa2005]

Here is the link for NAMI - National Association on Mental Illness.

http://www.nami.org/

There should be a group near her. They are a wonderful resource and deal with just about any type of mental illness.

 

PM if you need more information.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

My sister was in a similar position except she has two special needs kids and an older daughter. She finally ended up divorcing him. The real issue was (I think) that he wouldn't (or couldn't) take responsibility for his own mental health and she couldn't possibly take care of everyone. She is also the only one who worked in the family. He's living with his parents and she (and the children) are doing MUCH better.

 

Your sister needs to take care of herself or she can't possibly continue to care for her child. And if that means sending dh to live with his parents until he's well, I'd encourage it.

[Denisemomof4]

I started taking anxiety medication when my mother was put on Hospice care in my home. I was on them for several months and I really wanted to get off of them. I bought these http://www.iherb.com/Natural-Factors-Suntheanine-L-Theanine-150-mg-60-Veggie-Caps/2687?at=0 and they really did work. Before when I tried to get off the meds, I had some anxiety attacks at night. They actually awoke me out of a sleep! But taking these has helped me a lot.

 

IF you go onto iherb.com there are many herbs that will help with anxiety.

 

NAMI did have some meetings on natural treatments for mental illness. I think they would be a good resource for your sister. I hate to say it, though, that there really isn't enough good help for mental illness. In our state of NH, it's horrible. I have two mentally ill siblings so I've been dealing with this stuff all my life.

 

Your sister may also want to read up on neurofeedback. It will definitely help with anxiety. But your bil needs a firm diagnosis first.

 

I have PTSD which was caused from a traumatic near-death experience in my late teens. It was largely healed but then we adopted a child with RAD and it has caused me to have secondary PTSD. I was working with a therapist to try to get my dd's behaviors under control and she had me use this http://www.alpha-stim.com/ and it DEFINITELY worked on my anxiety.

 

The above will most definitely help with your bil's anxiety, and anxiety and OCD go hand in hand. He really does need an accurate diagnosis, though, so that he can get proper treatment. It's not as easy as it sounds, my sister, diagnosed as bipolar, definitely has other issues and in her 16 years of medications, she's never gotten the proper treatment. They need to keep trying until a proper diagnosis and treatment are attained. They need to be persistent. I think your sister needs to talk to her inlaws and tell them she needs help, that she can't do it all on her own.

[Denisemomof4]

are his fears irrational? Why is he "afraid" of the internet being in his home?

 

My brother is a paranoid schizophrenic, and his fears are totally irrational. Is this what you're speaking of? The sooner in his illness he gets help, no matter WHAT it is, the better off everyone will be. I do hope he gets help soon. If it's best for everyone for him to move in with his parents, he should. But if he doesn't, I do think his parents need to help your sister out with him.

[Impish]

My sympathies to your sister. I can't imagine how difficult it must be, being married to someone that refuses to participate or take responsibility for their own medical care.

 

If I made Wolf responsible for *my* medical care, he'd lose his mind. And that's just run of the mill GP appointments, let alone specialists, etc.

[Blessedfamily]

Moving in with his parents while he gets treatment sounds like a reasonable plan to me. I'm sorry your sister's family is going through this.

[mom31257]

Thank you for all your replies. She has had it so rough between my nephew and him. I will check out the groups in her area, and I will check into the other suggestions of iherb and the device. I'm actually going to recommend the device to my other sister because she had nerve damage in surgery and is now disabled due to pain.

 

are his fears irrational? Why is he "afraid" of the internet being in his home?

 

My brother is a paranoid schizophrenic, and his fears are totally irrational. Is this what you're speaking of? The sooner in his illness he gets help, no matter WHAT it is, the better off everyone will be. I do hope he gets help soon. If it's best for everyone for him to move in with his parents, he should. But if he doesn't, I do think his parents need to help your sister out with him.

 

I think his fears are irrational, but I don't know enough to be sure. He is very afraid of identity theft. She has to tear the name/address off every piece of mail. They are burned, not thrown away. He was very paranoid about mail coming to their home, so they now have a post office box. When it did come to the house, he was so afraid of dropping mail that he would stop every few seconds to check if he did.

 

The identity theft is some of why they don't have internet, and he is afraid of what to do with all the questions that pop up, etc. At work, he has a computer, but doesn't have to do anything with it because there are computer employees to take care of everything. She can't use a credit card over the internet or phone. I usually do a lot of purchases for her. She doesn't mind since it helps me get Disney Dollars on my card.

 

He has handwashing issues as well, because he is very paranoid about getting sick and carrying sickness to someone else. He thinks that if he causes someone to get sick he is responsible for their medical bills, etc.

 

Really almost all his major fears can be directed back to money, or the fear of losing money. They are doing fine financially, and my sister says having enough money was drilled into him by his parents. Some of these issues, he always had, but they are so much worse now.

 

Thanks for your reply!

[TracyR]

I feel her pain. My husband too has mental issues. Mild OCD , ADHD, severe anxiety, depression. Let me tell you its a long road. My husband won't take responsibilty for his mental health either.

On top of it I have a 3yr old that was born with mutiple health issues and I have health problems as well (hypothyroidism, goiter.. ).

 

I can tell you if he doesn't take responsibility that life is going to be mighty miserable and things will not change. My husband has had medication and it either a) didn't work , or b) caused him to have such horrible side effects, hives, violent mood swings etc.

I've also noticed the older my husband has gotten the worse he has gotten. There isn't much she can do from a legal standpoint.

For instance he would have to check himself into a hospital for help. I couldn't have my husband committed unless he was a danger to himself or others (something he hasn't been). Plus they have a right to sign themselves out too. I can't force my husband to do counceling, I can't make his appointments , etc.

They have to be responsible for themselves. I can try and convince my husband to take medicine or go to counseling but other then that I can't make him.

 

In all honesty if he doesn't do anything life is just going to continue to get worse and she is going to continue to get more ill. I know. She needs to get some help to care for her son. If he is having seizures like that she needs to look into nursing care to have a nurse there overnight so she can get some rest. Not sleeping isn't good for you either. I know that all to well too.

 

If she ever has any questions feel free to email me if you would like.

[Parrothead]

Please tell me there is more going on besides the mail and not wanting the internet.

 

 

The checking for dropped mail sounds like OCD. The burning of personal information so it can't be mined from the trash not so much.

 

There are lots of people who don't shop on line - many, many of those don't have internet in the home to shop on line. I've got enough knowledge about security that I'm okay with shopping online. But I won't give my credit card number to anyone over the phone. I won't pay for a meal with a credit card if I can't see what the server does with my card.

 

We've been victims of someone stealing our credit card number - several thousands of baby furniture and accessories before I caught it. Luckily I was able to catch them while they were pending transactions. As a result I am what some would call anal (I'm sure some would call it obsessive) about the safety of our information.

 

I could almost see the not wanting to get someone sick thing. How many times have we as moms complained about a thoughtless person sneezing or coughing on our healthy kids. We don't think about who is responsible for our kids being sick other than to complain. What if there was a law that said if Person A gives a cold virus to Person B because of sneezing or coughing or touching the Person A is responsible for the damage. Doctor bills, medication, time loss from work, paying for maid service if the homemaker of the family is given a virus. Really, in this day and age I'm surprised no one has already tried to sue for being passed a cold. So while it is strange to think that way, I could see how someone could actually think that way.

 

All that said, he does need to be responsible for his illness. If he isn't stepping up to the plate for that one then your sister should get help from his parents or from his doctor.

[Happy Heart]

I'm so sorry to hear about your sis' situation.

 

Just out of curiosity (because I know someone similar to this), does your sister's husband seem or is able to appear totally normal to people outside the family...at least for the short-term? Is it his behaviour that is so odd and quirky but he is able to have some seemingly normal conversations (in between his obsessive-compulsiveness)?

[OrganicAnn]

I don't know much about OCD, but i saw a show about OCD on cable this weekend. They were going to show how inpatient counseling looks like for people with OCD. I only saw one episode (we don't have cable but we were visiting relatives over the weekend that do), but it really helped me understand it better.

[lovemykids]

I feel her pain. My husband too has mental issues. Mild OCD , ADHD, severe anxiety, depression. Let me tell you its a long road. My husband won't take responsibilty for his mental health either.

On top of it I have a 3yr old that was born with mutiple health issues and I have health problems as well (hypothyroidism, goiter.. ).

 

I can tell you if he doesn't take responsibility that life is going to be mighty miserable and things will not change. My husband has had medication and it either a) didn't work , or b) caused him to have such horrible side effects, hives, violent mood swings etc.

I've also noticed the older my husband has gotten the worse he has gotten. There isn't much she can do from a legal standpoint.

For instance he would have to check himself into a hospital for help. I couldn't have my husband committed unless he was a danger to himself or others (something he hasn't been). Plus they have a right to sign themselves out too. I can't force my husband to do counceling, I can't make his appointments , etc.

They have to be responsible for themselves. I can try and convince my husband to take medicine or go to counseling but other then that I can't make him.

 

In all honesty if he doesn't do anything life is just going to continue to get worse and she is going to continue to get more ill. I know. She needs to get some help to care for her son. If he is having seizures like that she needs to look into nursing care to have a nurse there overnight so she can get some rest. Not sleeping isn't good for you either. I know that all to well too.

 

If she ever has any questions feel free to email me if you would like.

 

 

 

Oh my gosh, I missed the metal poisoning part. (and I decided to delete my post, lol):D

 

But, yes, I have heard that metals can cause permanent mental damage. I truly hope that the chelation therapy works for him.

:grouphug:

Edited June 2, 2010 by lovemykids

[mom31257]

I'm so sorry to hear about your sis' situation.

 

Just out of curiosity (because I know someone similar to this), does your sister's husband seem or is able to appear totally normal to people outside the family...at least for the short-term? Is it his behaviour that is so odd and quirky but he is able to have some seemingly normal conversations (in between his obsessive-compulsiveness)?

 

Does this indicate something specific?

 

I don't see him in situations outside the family. They live in the next state. I will say that he has managed to go to work and hold his job this whole time. He is an industrial engineer, and I think his responsibilities now aren't interaction with other people all day, just some.

 

He has told them about the metals, not the OCD, because he has been taking time off for the kelation treatments. The doctor says this could be the reason, and he's not promising that kelation will reverse any damage. He had tin in his body 17 times higher than this doctor had ever seen in anyone else.

 

He doesn't like to be around family (ours or his), and doesn't interact much with us when he is there. Once he gets afraid of anything he just obsesses and can't stop thinking of it.

 

When he comes home he dumps it all on my sister and wants to talk about it all night. He says he has to make himself do everything at work. Just leaving his office to go to another part of the plant is hard for him because he keeps going back to see if he locked the door.

 

I want to say if he can make himself do all that, then he should make himself not talk about it so much, make himself go to the doctor, etc., but I don't want to giver her bad advice.

[m0mmaBuck]

Well... It's easy to tell someone they need to go see the doctor but you can't make someone seek treatment. It's possible he is fearful of letting someone else in and he already trusts your sister with the information and is comfortable dumping on her vs. a stranger. It doesn't help her. But it may be how he sees it.

 

My husband has PTSD (Gulf War related and he's 80% disabled and medically retired from the Army due to that and some physical injuries during his years of service) and he struggles with Depression from not being able to serve any more. He was on anti-depressants for a while but he found they just made him numb and that was more depressing than the depression. Anyway... He had gone through some counseling but every time he got comfortable with a counselor the VA would change his counselor and he'd have to start all over with a new person, reliving all of the things that gave him the PTSD in the first place. After the last counselor was transferred, he stopped going for counseling. He just couldn't start over again. Honestly, he was doing for OK for the last few years... And then his ex-wife and (DS's mom) committed suicide in January. (I posted about this situation yesterday in Re: to DS's issues.) Anyway... The two of them are both in a bad place right now and trying to work their way out of it. I chose the family counseling route for DH this time around because we can focus on the family dynamic vs. drudging up painful memories specific to DH. It felt 'safer' for DH and honestly I need some help in dealing with all that goes on around here too.

 

So maybe family counseling as a place to start that feels 'safe' for the brother-in-law?

[Parrothead]

Does this indicate something specific?

 

I don't see him in situations outside the family. They live in the next state. I will say that he has managed to go to work and hold his job this whole time. He is an industrial engineer, and I think his responsibilities now aren't interaction with other people all day, just some.

 

He has told them about the metals, not the OCD, because he has been taking time off for the kelation treatments. The doctor says this could be the reason, and he's not promising that kelation will reverse any damage. He had tin in his body 17 times higher than this doctor had ever seen in anyone else.

 

He doesn't like to be around family (ours or his), and doesn't interact much with us when he is there. Once he gets afraid of anything he just obsesses and can't stop thinking of it.

 

When he comes home he dumps it all on my sister and wants to talk about it all night. He says he has to make himself do everything at work. Just leaving his office to go to another part of the plant is hard for him because he keeps going back to see if he locked the door.

 

I want to say if he can make himself do all that, then he should make himself not talk about it so much, make himself go to the doctor, etc., but I don't want to giver her bad advice.

All of that could be coming from the metal poisoning.

 

Maybe he is doing every thing he can to get to work and do the job. Maybe some where in his mind he knows that he has to be the one to provide for his wife and child so he finds the gumption to go to work every day even though it causes him distress.

 

Could he be waiting to see if the chelation treatments work before going to the doctor for the next phase of treatment? Men think way differently than women do. Maybe this is what is going on in his head.

 

I know you want to protect your sister and that is admirable. What ever you do don't say anything that will make him quit his job.

 

Maybe they can get him a pocket recorder so he can talk it all out all he needs to. She can listen when it is more convenient for her. He trusts her enough to talk to her.

 

As for visits, let him do his thing. There isn't much you can do to change him. If he is comfortable in a cozy chair with a drink and snack, let him be. Support your sister however you can while visiting.

Edited June 2, 2010 by Parrothead
spelling

[JoyfulMama]

She can't make him take responsibility for him, but she can take responsibility for herself. She has to decide what she will and won't do.

Me? I won't lie to my children. And I won't make excuses for dh's poor choices related to his mental health. I will encourage my dh, I will love my dh, I will have faith in my dh, I try incredibly hard to understand his struggles, and I do enlist his parents to help when necessary. I will not leave my dh to struggle alone, yet I won't enable him, and I will not push him into situations beyond his limits.

My dh is compliant with treatment out of his love for me, and his devotion to us. I don't ever use that against him, as he needs to feel that. I have been frank about how his mental health has affected me and us. Yes, it is "right" to get treatment because you want it, but sometimes you need a reason to want it.

Getting there is often a rocky path, and for that they both need support.

[m0mmaBuck]

She can't make him take responsibility for him, but she can take responsibility for herself. She has to decide what she will and won't do.

Me? I won't lie to my children. And I won't make excuses for dh's poor choices related to his mental health. I will encourage my dh, I will love my dh, I will have faith in my dh, I try incredibly hard to understand his struggles, and I do enlist his parents to help when necessary. I will not leave my dh to struggle alone, yet I won't enable him, and I will not push him into situations beyond his limits.

My dh is compliant with treatment out of his love for me, and his devotion to us. I don't ever use that against him, as he needs to feel that. I have been frank about how his mental health has affected me and us. Yes, it is "right" to get treatment because you want it, but sometimes you need a reason to want it.

Getting there is often a rocky path, and for that they both need support.

 

Well said.

[Denisemomof4]

She can't make him take responsibility for him, but she can take responsibility for herself. She has to decide what she will and won't do.

Me? I won't lie to my children. And I won't make excuses for dh's poor choices related to his mental health. I will encourage my dh, I will love my dh, I will have faith in my dh, I try incredibly hard to understand his struggles, and I do enlist his parents to help when necessary. I will not leave my dh to struggle alone, yet I won't enable him, and I will not push him into situations beyond his limits.

My dh is compliant with treatment out of his love for me, and his devotion to us. I don't ever use that against him, as he needs to feel that. I have been frank about how his mental health has affected me and us. Yes, it is "right" to get treatment because you want it, but sometimes you need a reason to want it.

Getting there is often a rocky path, and for that they both need support.

 

What a good wife you are, JoyfulMama. I know how difficult it is to deal with mental illness.

 

OP, I don't know if metal poisoning can cause mental illness, but I'm wondering, how old is your bil? You've mentioned some things that concern me because they sound eerily similar to my brother. Like focusing on one thing and talking about it over and over and over, obsessing about it. His fears. His paranoia doesn't sound rational to me, but I'm not a trained therapist. I know paranoid schizophrenia usually comes out between the ages of 25 - 35 if I remember right, but my brother started to really show signs before his teenage years.

 

Your sister is actually enabling him by allowing him to go on and on and on all night about his issues. It's not fair to her, and it's not healthy for him. I know, I've done this with my brother. I've learned to say, "Can we not talk about this now? I think we've covered all the bases and there's really no need to rehash it all, ya know? What else can we say that hasn't already been said?" Said in a sympathetic yet firm way.

[Peela]

I noticed he has heavy metals? That can cause mental illness all on its own. If he is willing to try those diets and treatments, I would still encourage him in those directions because getting those metals out of his system may be key to his recovery. However, ultimately, he still needs to take responsiblity for his behaviour and if he doesnt, well, its not her job to take responsiblity for him.

Sometemes peopele need to go rock bottom before they "get" they are in charge and not victims of their circumstance- referring to both the woman and her husband. She may need to have him live with his parents and drop teh gult so that she can have a life for herself and her son. He may need to get more serious help, and realise that he is too much of a burden for her. But they have to work it out. It sounds like he is doing something...it just may not be enough.

[T'smom]

I don't have a spouse with mental health issues, but my dh does! I know this sounds stupid- it even sounds stupid to me when I'm not depressed- but sometimes I'm incapable of dealing with my medical issues myself. If I catch myself in a downward spiral quickly, I can- but if it spins out of control, I cannot. My dh has to help me get back to the point where I can take care of myself.

My advice? Drag him to a psychiatrist. Call the psych's office and tell them that it is an emergency. Specify this because otherwise it will be months. (When I moved, I asked my GP for a referral to a psych and they told me they couldn't get me in for months. I said 'well, it's a good thing I'm not suicidal right now, huh?') Go with him- tell the doc his symptoms, he may not be able to articulate them himself, he may even be unaware of them. Often my dh can spot the signs of impending depression before I can. My parents certainly can.

As an example- my sis started taking anti-anxiety meds awhile back. Her stomach pains went away- she had NO IDEA that she had stomach pains. She thought everyone felt that way. She was amazed that it didn't have to be that way. He might not really comprehend that what he has/is doing is not normal. It is normal for him.

Many people will tell you that meds haven't worked for them. Well, they have worked for lots of people, myself included. There's no way to know into which category he will fall in.