Willow Posted May 30, 2010 Share Posted May 30, 2010 I have a friend. I have known her for about 5 years. She is a child abuse survivor, who left her partner (and father of her children) to try and break the cycle. She HSed the kids which is how I got to know her. Her kids are now either adult or at High School. One is back with dad. :001_huh: I met her at a local HS group. We became friends as our boys were friends. That boy is now the one with Dad, and is at school. My ds has no contact with friends boy. Ds is sad about this but other boy has school friends and is not interested in ds anymore. Friend still visits at least twice a week and also texts. phones and emails. The problem is I am running out of both time and compassion, and it is impacting on hsing my son and on my relationship with my adult daughters, and even dh. She has a new partner and I know far too much about this relationship. She sits in my kitchen dissecting every detail, she doesn't want advice (he's hit her for goodness sake) she just wants me to listen and agree with what she has decided. She has also been extremely ill, and I know every detail of that illness too. She is a total drain, I feel exhausted when she has left. Ds hates her coming as we only have a very tiny house, with one living room/kitchen and the bedrooms. So he goes off to his room as he doesn't want to hear. Yes, she will talk in front of him if I do not stop her and now he heads off as soon as she comes over the horizon. (He is 13, but it is cold here at the moment and the only heat is in the main room) I am sorry for her and I don't want to be the next one to kick her when she is down. I don't even mind meeting up once a fortnight or so, but I DON'T want to hear about how,when and where she is making 'tea', and to be asked if this is a normal amount of tea in a week/month/year, and even what brand of tea she is using! For goodness sake. How should I know? Why should I care!!? Dh says I should just tell her to only come once a fornight, and arrange a day/time and arrange for ds to be somewhere. I KNOW she will take this as I have turned against her too, and there will be weeping and apologising and stuff, and then I will get a text saying there has been a crisis and can she come over anyway....... My own life is so happy, simple and uncomplicated and I do feel so sorry for her, that I feel that supporting her is such a small thing to be asked, yet I am beginning to feel I cannot go on much longer with this. Help! What would you do? Willow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted May 30, 2010 Share Posted May 30, 2010 Your dh is right. Pre-emptively head off the drama by saying "I am not wanting to hurt you but I have some of my own issues I need to take care of now and I can only see you on such & such a day for 2h." I'd meet her OUTSIDE of your own house twice a month at a cafe or something so that you can leave when it's time for you to go. It's worth the $5 for coffee to have this be finite & out of your own house. If she asks what the issues are, just say "Thanks for asking, you're a good friend, but I don't want to discuss it. Thanks again." BTW, you're not lying - you have your own family to take care of & get back on an even keel. Don't pick up phone calls from her. Answer e-mails late in the evening - "sorry, we were out/busy all day & unfortunately the rest of the week looks crazy. Look forward to seeing you on ______" best wishes ~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in the Kootenays Posted May 30, 2010 Share Posted May 30, 2010 Your dh is right. Pre-emptively head off the drama by saying "I am not wanting to hurt you but I have some of my own issues I need to take care of now and I can only see you on such & such a day for 2h." I'd meet her OUTSIDE of your own house twice a month at a cafe or something so that you can leave when it's time for you to go. It's worth the $5 for coffee to have this be finite & out of your own house. If she asks what the issues are, just say "Thanks for asking, you're a good friend, but I don't want to discuss it. Thanks again." BTW, you're not lying - you have your own family to take care of & get back on an even keel. Don't pick up phone calls from her. Answer e-mails late in the evening - "sorry, we were out/busy all day & unfortunately the rest of the week looks crazy. Look forward to seeing you on ______" best wishes ~ This is really good advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmjkjashipley Posted May 30, 2010 Share Posted May 30, 2010 I had a friend like that who continuously added drama to her life which already had enough drama through no fault of her own. And I heard all the details. Like you, I started to feel drained. Though you didn't mention in your post where you stand spiritually, I can only tell you how I handled it. I prayed for God to release me from the friendship, to bring people into her life that could help her and take my place as a sounding board. Soon the friendship on that level died a "natural" death, so to speak, with no drama. We are still friends and I would still do anything for her, but my load is a lot lighter. Hope that helps! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted May 30, 2010 Share Posted May 30, 2010 I would also meet away from your house. This gives you complete control of the timing of the arrival and departure. I would also tell her that you are trying to close ranks on your family for a while and won't be available as much as before. I would ask her to not take this personally, as it has nothing to do with her, but you need to force your self to put your focus on your family/house/ect. Try to occasionally be the one that calls her. This will go a long way to making her feel like you still value the friendship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Willow Posted May 30, 2010 Author Share Posted May 30, 2010 Meeting outside the house is a brilliant idea, I don't know why I never thought of this before! Thank you. And thank you all for your support, there are some good ideas of what to say, I am very bad at knowing what to say, and always feel I have to answer questions. I will practice.... Willow Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Willow Posted May 30, 2010 Author Share Posted May 30, 2010 Try to occasionally be the one that calls her. This will go a long way to making her feel like you still value the friendship. Another great idea! Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacy in NJ Posted May 30, 2010 Share Posted May 30, 2010 (edited) As another poster suggested, meet her outside your house, at a coffee house or diner. You can control how long the visits last and leave when you want to. When you're chatting and an inappropriate topic comes up, interrupt her with, "Hey, that's too much information." Laugh and change the subject. Develop a metal list of safe topics: movies, books, children, friends, vacations, whatever works for you. You need to wean her off of to frequent meet-ups. Just be busy on occasion and suggest another day later in the week or the next week. Slowly cut back. You can change the dynamics of the relationship so that it works for you. If she is resistant to these changes then maybe it's time to let her go altogether. HTH, Stacy Edited May 30, 2010 by Stacy in NJ sp Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted May 30, 2010 Share Posted May 30, 2010 (edited) The time or two I've known someone like that, I tell them that they need a therapist, a pastor, the police, a women's shelter, and so forth. I am not qualified to provide those services. I am happy to look up places to contact regarding therapy. I do not make the phone calls. I do not listen to therapy session re-hashes. I do not get involved at all with that stuff. Other than that Very Firm Boundary, if the person wants to see me more than I want to see them, or drops by without calling, I set another rule. I must be phoned and agree to the visit before it takes place. Otherwise, the person will not be permitted to enter my house. I don't stand around talking in the yard either. I simply do not answer the door. I don't look at this like I'm kicking someone when they are down. I view it as they are using me, especially when they are not interested in changing their situation and they have the ability to do that. Edited May 30, 2010 by RoughCollie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConnieB Posted May 30, 2010 Share Posted May 30, 2010 I have a friend. I have known her for about 5 years. She is a child abuse survivor, who left her partner (and father of her children) to try and break the cycle. She HSed the kids which is how I got to know her. Her kids are now either adult or at High School. One is back with dad. :001_huh: I met her at a local HS group. We became friends as our boys were friends. That boy is now the one with Dad, and is at school. My ds has no contact with friends boy. Ds is sad about this but other boy has school friends and is not interested in ds anymore. Friend still visits at least twice a week and also texts. phones and emails. The problem is I am running out of both time and compassion, and it is impacting on hsing my son and on my relationship with my adult daughters, and even dh. She has a new partner and I know far too much about this relationship. She sits in my kitchen dissecting every detail, she doesn't want advice (he's hit her for goodness sake) she just wants me to listen and agree with what she has decided. She has also been extremely ill, and I know every detail of that illness too. She is a total drain, I feel exhausted when she has left. Ds hates her coming as we only have a very tiny house, with one living room/kitchen and the bedrooms. So he goes off to his room as he doesn't want to hear. Yes, she will talk in front of him if I do not stop her and now he heads off as soon as she comes over the horizon. (He is 13, but it is cold here at the moment and the only heat is in the main room) I am sorry for her and I don't want to be the next one to kick her when she is down. I don't even mind meeting up once a fortnight or so, but I DON'T want to hear about how,when and where she is making 'tea', and to be asked if this is a normal amount of tea in a week/month/year, and even what brand of tea she is using! For goodness sake. How should I know? Why should I care!!? Dh says I should just tell her to only come once a fornight, and arrange a day/time and arrange for ds to be somewhere. I KNOW she will take this as I have turned against her too, and there will be weeping and apologising and stuff, and then I will get a text saying there has been a crisis and can she come over anyway....... My own life is so happy, simple and uncomplicated and I do feel so sorry for her, that I feel that supporting her is such a small thing to be asked, yet I am beginning to feel I cannot go on much longer with this. Help! What would you do? Willow. I'd start letting her know you were busy.....after all you are. Sorry, I can't get together with you this week, son is now a teen and you know how much more time their schooling/extras take.....maybe next week. I know you want to feel guilt about pushing her away, but honestly, you need to do what is right for your family....and a teen boy does not even want to know that his mom and friends have "tea" let alone all those details. And obviously it's not doing you any good either. There are many books that have been recommended by the hive over the years about "toxic inlaws"....and while she's not an inlaw, the fact is that some relationships can be quite toxic to the rest of your life, and need to either be changed or eliminated. You are NOT this woman's keeper, you are NOT responsible for her pains in life and you are NOT the one that can solve any of it for her anyway. MOST people will start to take the hint when week after week you are too busy for more than a 5 minute call ("I really have to go now because Son/DH needs me...I have to start dinner...I have to get to this or that appointment"), texts go ignored, and requests to get together are put off until next week. If she doesn't take the hint than you will need to be less subtle. In the one case I've had where hints didn't work, and veiled truth didn't either, my DH (bless that man!!) finally took a call from her and said that he would prefer she not call me for a while, that the relationship was too stressful for me. I felt awful that he was a bit blunt, but she never called me again. She is an adult who has chosen this lifestyle for herself...you are not required to participate. Sadly, many women go from one abusive relationship to another....and there is seldom much a friend can do to stop the cycle, unless they are willing to get extremely involved in her life. And I don't recommend that at all. Realize also, that in many ways she is abusing you....and waiting and expecting you to abuse her back. It's part of the cycle. If she has ever sought therapy you might contact her doctors and let them know of the situation to see if they will intervene....but most likely she's going to have to hit rock bottom before help works. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terabith Posted May 31, 2010 Share Posted May 31, 2010 Definitely meeting outside the house, but I think I would aim for once a week rather than twice a month. I would definitely feel free to tell her, "Hey, that's too much information here." Or, "You know, I'm sorry, but I just really don't feel comfortable talking about this so specifically." I'd try to encourage her to see a counselor or a women's shelter, but I'm sure you probably already have. You need to have some definite boundaries, but on the other hand, grace is relentless, and if you can, I encourage you to try to be an ambassador for that grace, while still maintaining the boundaries you need to for yourself and your family. That is a really hard balance. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted May 31, 2010 Share Posted May 31, 2010 The time or two I've known someone like that, I tell them that they need a therapist, a pastor, the police, a women's shelter, and so forth. I am not qualified to provide those services. :iagree: I'd suggest the following books and then distance myself: The Verbally Abusive Relationship Boundaries Why Does He Do That - Inside the Minds of Abusive and Controlling Men Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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