Dedicating a Sunday to God w/o going to mass

[jillian]

So I have been having a really hard time getting into going to mass lately. In fact three weeks ago Little Miss freaked out at mass so we left right after it began because I just couldn't handle it emotionally that week and dd couldn't really either.

 

Anyway, last week we didn't go because dh and I stayed up really late and I just couldn't bring myself to be in the right mindset to pay attention and really get anything out of it (yes I realize staying up was a choice but dh and I rarely get time together since he is up so early for work and I am chronically exhausted but that is another issue that is being worked on).

 

So onto the current issue, I am getting ready to go to texas for about a monh and dh will be leavin for work shortly after I get back for an extended period of time so would it be okay to devote tomorrow to worship time by spending time as a family instead of going to mass--in other words have you done something similar, by making it a home worship day instead of actually goig church?

[Remudamom]

We have. Our Presbyterian church is 90 miles away and we don't always go in. But we miss communion when we don't go.

[Violet Crown]

This may be a little late--I just got back from mass here in Scotland, and I think it's morning back in the U.S.--but I'd answer with a big, It depends. We are of course obliged to attend Mass, and deliberately skipping it, as I tell my CCD students, is a serious thing. Here in our little Scottish town there aren't many Catholics--one priest covers three parishes and a chaplaincy--and many people have to walk miles to get to mass (this morning, in the rain). But we read that the early Christians attended mass daily, some of them putting their lives in danger to do so, and the inconvenience of once a week seems less inconvenient. :)

 

That said, the Church has always recognized that we are weak human beings, and we do what we can. The care of small children has always been understood as an adequate reason for being unable to assist at mass, and that sounds like your situation. Travellers who find themselves unable to assist are not obliged.

 

With regard to being in the right mindset ... Yes, we ideally ought to be recollected, penitent, joyful, and fervent. But Jesus comes to us as we are: and isn't that one of the beauties of the Real Presence--that Jesus is coming to us, flustered and distracted and irritable as we may be feeling?

 

If your family life has just made it not feasible to attend, then that's your situation--offer it up to God, lead your family in a prayer of Spiritual Communion, and try again next week. Meanwhile, you might think about, and discuss with your husband, practical steps that would make mass-going less hectic for everyone. I bet he'd like you spiritually nourished and not frazzled. :)

 

God bless you sister.

[jillian]

Thanks for the advice. I do appreciate it.

[Caitilin]

I think that what you are planning on (or actually did! :)) is fine. In the longer term, something I would think about is your taking turns going to Mass; ie. you go at 9 and he goes at 11, and your dd stays home for now, till she is older, and can sit (relatively!) quietly for that hour. It's more important that you both can go and prayerfully worship than either that you worship as a family or that your dd accompany you to Mass at this age. It's funny you mention this; I was just at a Catholic conference in Minnesota yesterday, and this very issue was raised by one of the speakers.:grouphug:

[m0mmaBuck]

When my Dad couldn't go to Mass (Parkinsons and Alzheimers together made it difficult to get him going anywhere, especially on a schedule), he and my mom would watch a Mass on a local TV network and then ask the priest or one of the Eucharistic ministers to bring communion by at their convenience. I realize it's a different situation, but on the short term there are some exceptions that can be made.

[Ellie]

I'm pretty sure that if you talked to the priest at your church, he'd tell you no, it wouldn't be the same, but you might want to call and talk to him. :-)

[Brigitte]

So I have been having a really hard time getting into going to mass lately. In fact three weeks ago Little Miss freaked out at mass so we left right after it began because I just couldn't handle it emotionally that week and dd couldn't really either.

 

Anyway, last week we didn't go because dh and I stayed up really late and I just couldn't bring myself to be in the right mindset to pay attention and really get anything out of it (yes I realize staying up was a choice but dh and I rarely get time together since he is up so early for work and I am chronically exhausted but that is another issue that is being worked on).

 

So onto the current issue, I am getting ready to go to texas for about a monh and dh will be leavin for work shortly after I get back for an extended period of time so would it be okay to devote tomorrow to worship time by spending time as a family instead of going to mass--in other words have you done something similar, by making it a home worship day instead of actually goig church?

 

I'll be honest, it is not the same. And, the longer you put off going, the more likely you won't go back. When I feel least like going is when I need it most and usually find that I get the most from it. We can always come up with excuses for not going. The point of another poster about people in the past making far greater sacrifices in order to attend is a very valid one.

 

Perhaps while you are away in TX, you will find attending a church that is not your own parish refreshing. If you plan on skipping Mass while you are there and have missed 3 weeks here before leaving, I would bet that you have an even harder time making yourself get back in the routine when you get back.

 

I like the idea of trading worship times with your dh in order to keep your dd at home. I do think you might want to talk to your priest about what you are feeling and what is going on. Go to Reconciliation. Get rid of the guilt. Go to Mass. I bet you will feel better.

 

Brigitte, who hopes that she said it all gently enough to not offend, but strongly enough to get you thinking. :tongue_smilie:

[dangermom]

I'm not Catholic, but here are my thoughts. I agree that it's a good idea to go even when you aren't in the mood; it can be kind of like a job, where you are committed to go whether you want to or not, and the rewards come from that commitment. I don't know how old your daughter is, but if you keep her home for a while make sure it's quite a short while. Kids get trained for church or not, and even if you don't get a lot out of those days when she is wiggly, you're setting a foundation for her for years to come.

 

I've done a family thing instead of church when we are sick. It's nice, but not the same. :grouphug:

[ktog29]

Two thoughts...

 

We have gone to Mass with littles and decided to stay "until we couldn't make it any longer." Then we'd come back in for the Eucharist and then leave. We were doing the best we could.

 

Second, the thing that made ALL the difference in my kids behaving at church was DAILY Mass. Daily Mass is only 20-25 minutes long. We go to a church that has a cry room for daily Mass and we're usually the only ones in there. This way I can work on behavior with the littles while not disturbing anyone. It made a BIG difference (now we go on Fridays only but for awhile we were going 3x/week).

 

Finally (Ok, I guess that's 3 thoughts...) we've begun to attend Sunday Mass at 7am. There is no music so it's much quicker...45 minutes versus 1 hour. And the kids are so tired, they pretty much just sit there.

 

I pray that you find your way back to Mass. Don't give up and don't lose heart. Jesus is there waiting for you! And the Blessed Mother understands...she had a little one too! :)

 

God Bless!

[FaithManor]

Today, I had farm chores (for the farmer whose farm I help on) and their was some stall damage that couldn't wait and an injured animal. By the time dh and I got the situation under control, we had only 30 minutes to get home, shower, etc. along with getting the three boys around. We looked at each other and realized that if we managed to pull it off, we'd be so stressed (and late), that it we weren't likely to worship but more or less, be catching our breath.

 

We knew of a dear friend that was not going to be attending church because his wife was out of town and he was feeling a little down. We drove over to his place, made a big breakfast, got the Bible out and did some reading, fantastic discussion, and fellowshipped.

 

It was wonderful!

 

I know we are not supposed to make a habit of foresaking the fellowship of assembling together. But, sometimes God isn't honored when breaking our necks to get to church only sets up our family for tension instead of being edified through the service. Sunday is also a day of rest and sometimes we need a break from that routine in order to be rested. So, no, this won't be an every Sunday morning occurence for us (well, unless the horses decide to engage in more bizarre behavior) but I think that God was definitely honored in the choice we made and our fellow Christian brother was in much better spirits when we left.

 

Faith

[2squared]

It's funny you mention this; I was just at a Catholic conference in Minnesota yesterday, and this very issue was raised by one of the speakers.:grouphug:

 

Which speaker was this? I missed that one.

[Caitilin]

Which speaker was this? I missed that one.

 

Dr. Mary Paquette; she was talking about taking care of yourself, including making time for personal prayer, exercise, healthy eating, good sleep, etc. One of her tips from her own life was that she and her dh took shifts going to Mass so that they could both be fully present, and unstressed; she adds that her children LOVE the Mass, so missing it when they were toddlers clearly didn't affect their religious formation badly. :)

[2squared]

Dr. Mary Paquette; she was talking about taking care of yourself, including making time for personal prayer, exercise, healthy eating, good sleep, etc. One of her tips from her own life was that she and her dh took shifts going to Mass so that they could both be fully present, and unstressed; she adds that her children LOVE the Mass, so missing it when they were toddlers clearly didn't affect their religious formation badly. :)

 

Oh, yes. I did hear this. When I read your original response for some reason I thought you meant that a speaker had talked about being OK with missing mass. Dr. Mary had four kids in four years, so I totally get why they didn't go to mass as a family. :lol: Trading off mass times is great if you have the option (which we don't).

 

I personally think that planning to purposefully miss mass is a bad precedent. When my family puts a low priority on mass attendance, our family life always suffers.

[teachermom2834]

My kids have never been very good in Mass when they were babies or toddlers. I totally understand where you are coming from.

 

It still is not okay in our faith to miss Mass intentionally. I always felt like if we got up, dressed, and to Mass, even if we had to leave early we had done our best and made a good faith effort to fulfill the obligation.

 

Dh and I switch off Masses fairly regularly. We need our faith to pass on to our children and if we have to go separately to nurture our own faith that is what we do. I feel like the little ones still see us getting up and going to Mass and it still makes some impression even if they don't go. It sends the message that Mass is important.

 

Lastly, if you believe in the Real Presence, then none of the rest of it matters. So what if I am not inspired? So what if I do not do a good job worshipping and praying? Jesus Christ comes to me in the Eucharist. How can I say that I'm not getting anything out of it?

 

I really do understand where you are coming from. This is just where I am on this and I thought I would share. I know others will not agree with all I have said. That's okay:001_smile:

 

God bless.

 

Marie

[jillian]

Thank you so much. I admit that last week and this week I haven't even been in the right mindset here at home. I am coming back home so it's still a very big struggle for me still. The reasons I fell away from the church still cause me a lot of pain and I still have issues about it in my marriage (did a lot of stupid things in my past that have severely messed with me) but it's getting better

[Brigitte]

Thank you so much. I admit that last week and this week I haven't even been in the right mindset here at home. I am coming back home so it's still a very big struggle for me still. The reasons I fell away from the church still cause me a lot of pain and I still have issues about it in my marriage (did a lot of stupid things in my past that have severely messed with me) but it's getting better

 

Jillian, I was away from the Church for a VERY long time. I did not live my teens or parts of my twenties in a way I am proud of. I also had problems with the Church and how my mother was treated after my dad left. So, I came back to the Church last year with a lot of baggage. A few things really helped:

 

1) Reconciliation. My priest was fabulous about walking me through my first one back and he gave me a lot to think about. Even just talking to him during our pre-marriage validation counseling sessions was helpful. If your priest is not like that, go to reconciliation at another Catholic church.

 

2) Going through the RCIA program. Because I had not been confirmed as a teen and I had been away from the Church for so long, I went through RCIA. That "extra dose" of spiritual education every week really helped me to understand the chuch and grow in my faith, spirituality and generally as a person.

 

I really find that when I am down, feeling disconnected with my faith, or questioning, going to Mass really helps. It might take time, but eventually I come around. You might also benefit from finding a Catholic friend/spiritual advisor with whom you can share your thoughts and feelings.

 

:grouphug:

[jillian]

Jillian, I was away from the Church for a VERY long time. I did not live my teens or parts of my twenties in a way I am proud of. I also had problems with the Church and how my mother was treated after my dad left. So, I came back to the Church last year with a lot of baggage. A few things really helped:

 

1) Reconciliation. My priest was fabulous about walking me through my first one back and he gave me a lot to think about. Even just talking to him during our pre-marriage validation counseling sessions was helpful. If your priest is not like that, go to reconciliation at another Catholic church.

 

2) Going through the RCIA program. Because I had not been confirmed as a teen and I had been away from the Church for so long, I went through RCIA. That "extra dose" of spiritual education every week really helped me to understand the chuch and grow in my faith, spirituality and generally as a person.

 

I really find that when I am down, feeling disconnected with my faith, or questioning, going to Mass really helps. It might take time, but eventually I come around. You might also benefit from finding a Catholic friend/spiritual advisor with whom you can share your thoughts and feelings.

 

:grouphug:

I went to confession for a really big thing and was so incredibly distraught afterwards because I finally felt forgiven (even though dh had forgiven me already). I need to go again, I am always so embarrassed to go (I guess that's sort of the point in a round about way lol).

 

I have been confirmed, but my church has a "welcoming back returning Catholics" program but their meetings are during the day and I don't have anyone to keep dd during the times so logistically it's a little more difficult than I thought to take part.

 

I have/trust my aunt who is so wonderful and I can talk to about a lot of things but she's just had triplets (preemies) so she's got her hands pretty full (especially since they have a son 5 months older than Little Miss).

 

I am going to try to get to mass tomorrow--it's 8:30 during the week so we can easily do that

 

Thank you for your words of wisdom :)

[ktog29]

I agree with the pp who said:

 

Lastly, if you believe in the Real Presence, then none of the rest of it matters. So what if I am not inspired? So what if I do not do a good job worshipping and praying? Jesus Christ comes to me in the Eucharist. How can I say that I'm not getting anything out of it?

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Parrothead]

I would really urge you to speak to your priest about missing Sunday mass on purpose - even with the best of intentions to worship at home. It is a grave matter, but may not actually be mortal sin.

[OnTheBrink]

Today, I had farm chores (for the farmer whose farm I help on) and their was some stall damage that couldn't wait and an injured animal. By the time dh and I got the situation under control, we had only 30 minutes to get home, shower, etc. along with getting the three boys around. We looked at each other and realized that if we managed to pull it off, we'd be so stressed (and late), that it we weren't likely to worship but more or less, be catching our breath.

 

We knew of a dear friend that was not going to be attending church because his wife was out of town and he was feeling a little down. We drove over to his place, made a big breakfast, got the Bible out and did some reading, fantastic discussion, and fellowshipped.

 

It was wonderful!

 

I know we are not supposed to make a habit of foresaking the fellowship of assembling together. But, sometimes God isn't honored when breaking our necks to get to church only sets up our family for tension instead of being edified through the service. Sunday is also a day of rest and sometimes we need a break from that routine in order to be rested. So, no, this won't be an every Sunday morning occurence for us (well, unless the horses decide to engage in more bizarre behavior) but I think that God was definitely honored in the choice we made and our fellow Christian brother was in much better spirits when we left.

 

Faith

 

You didn't forsake the assembling of believers; you and your dh assembled with your neighbor. Wherever two or more are gathered in His name, He is there. :001_smile:

[PrairieSong]

MIssing Mass on Sunday is a serious thing, but please understand I am not saying that to make you feel horrible. If we care about each other in the Body of Christ, we will speak the truth in love. If you have a serious reason such as illness or extremely bad weather (a blizzard, etc.) then of course it is not a sin to miss Mass. If you are traveling, you should make every effort to attend, and can look up info about parish schedules at http://masstimes.org/dotnet/churchlookups.aspxmasstimes.org.

 

Here is some info:

 

http://www.ewtn.com/expert/answers/sunday_mass.htm

 

We have seven children though no little ones anymore. (Youngest is ten.) We had many years of taking toddlers and babies to Mass and almost always attended as a family. Yes, it was trying sometimes but so worth it! Here are a few ideas for you: Sit in the front row so your little one(s) can see and hear what is going on. I have known quite a few families who have done this. OR attend a parish with a cry room that has a large window and maybe is hooked up to the sound system so you can still be aware of the Mass. OR consider a parish with a nursery. If it works best for you and your husband to attend different Masses, do that before missing Mass!

 

As other posters said, if you believe in the Eucharist, it doesn't really matter if you feel like going, if you are in a prayerful spirit (though of course that is ideal, but doesn't always happen!) etc. Jesus is there no matter what! He welcomes you with open arms. Find a good and holy priest to talk to about this, and go to confession to him also.

 

If we really understood what the Mass is, we would be running there! Of course, being fallible humans we don't always have full awareness of this. I hope you will keep going every Sunday, and perhaps on week days also, as you are able.

 

God bless you and your family!

Edited June 1, 2010 by PrairieMom
typo

[Vida Winter]

I know your exhaustion and frustration, believe me -- any little excuse would almost be enough to throw in the towel. I would still make Mass a priority, and I would try to plan ahead a bit. Make sure you get to bed early enough the night before. Take some quiet things for your child to play with. I like to take a little bag of quilting scraps and maybe a little soft doll for my little one, so she can amuse herself quietly. Clothes laid out, getting up early, having a good breakfast, and making sure everyone visits the potty before leaving the house is also worthwhile.

 

Alternately, can you attend Saturday Mass?

 

Wishing you peace.

[jillian]

For me alone I could go Saturday night, it would interfere with dd's schedule a bit, she hits bed by 630 but it's entirely possible to do with a bit of rearranging. Maybe we will try it out this upcoming week. It is a good suggestion....

 

We usually sit in the back because we make a lot of potty trips because dd is at the stage with potty training (always thinking she has to go), we bring books, some blank paper (bound of course) to color on and a stuffed animal (she goes everywhere with one). Dh isn't Catholic so alternate masses aren't entirely possible.

 

I appreciate the advice and support, thank you everyone. I only have one parish close to me so I am limited with no cry room, no nursery either. The other Catholic Church requires two tolls and a 45 minute drive so it is very inconvenient to head there every week. Going during the week is very possible for us, we are at home all day.

Edited June 2, 2010 by jillian

[mommabird]

Last Sunday we loaded up the boat and Bible and lessons. Arrived at the lake at sunrise, launched the boat, and ... it did not work - overheated. Lesson learned - Sunday morning is for church, maybe Saturday morning is a better day to go boating!

BTW, we still did our bible study at a park nearby and talked about creation with our children. But our 10 yr old dd is the one that pointed out the boat probably broke because we were not where we were supposed to be.

[2squared]

We usually sit in the back because we make a lot of potty trips because dd is at the stage with potty training (always thinking she has to go), we bring books, some blank paper (bound of course) to color on and a stuffed animal (she goes everywhere with one). Dh isn't Catholic so alternate masses aren't entirely possible.

 

You might want to join us crazies in the front. We sit in the front pew, and the kids can see everything. When my toddlers get ansy, we talk about the candles, stained glass windows, flowers - just about everything they can see. When we sit in the back, all the kids can see is butts and it's much harder for them to last the entire mass.

 

We also don't bring distractions for the kids. It takes a little training, but there's usually enough going on in the mass for my kids to notice and do without bringing things from home. Sometimes dh sneaks (sneaks b/c I'm not on board) toys in for the kids, and it's always a hassle. They drop things, can't find xzy toys, etc. It's very distracting.

[*********]

Today, I had farm chores (for the farmer whose farm I help on) and their was some stall damage that couldn't wait and an injured animal. By the time dh and I got the situation under control, we had only 30 minutes to get home, shower, etc. along with getting the three boys around. We looked at each other and realized that if we managed to pull it off, we'd be so stressed (and late), that it we weren't likely to worship but more or less, be catching our breath.

 

We knew of a dear friend that was not going to be attending church because his wife was out of town and he was feeling a little down. We drove over to his place, made a big breakfast, got the Bible out and did some reading, fantastic discussion, and fellowshipped.

 

It was wonderful!

 

I know we are not supposed to make a habit of foresaking the fellowship of assembling together. But, sometimes God isn't honored when breaking our necks to get to church only sets up our family for tension instead of being edified through the service. Sunday is also a day of rest and sometimes we need a break from that routine in order to be rested. So, no, this won't be an every Sunday morning occurence for us (well, unless the horses decide to engage in more bizarre behavior) but I think that God was definitely honored in the choice we made and our fellow Christian brother was in much better spirits when we left.

 

Faith

 

You didn't forsake the assembling of believers; you and your dh assembled with your neighbor. Wherever two or more are gathered in His name, He is there. :001_smile:

I read your post, and immediately thought 'but you DIDN'T forsake gathering together!', and then I went on to read the rest of the replies, and sure eough, Michelle beat me to it...

[aggieamy]

You might want to join us crazies in the front. We sit in the front pew, and the kids can see everything. When my toddlers get ansy, we talk about the candles, stained glass windows, flowers - just about everything they can see. When we sit in the back, all the kids can see is butts and it's much harder for them to last the entire mass.

 

We also don't bring distractions for the kids. It takes a little training, but there's usually enough going on in the mass for my kids to notice and do without bringing things from home. Sometimes dh sneaks (sneaks b/c I'm not on board) toys in for the kids, and it's always a hassle. They drop things, can't find xzy toys, etc. It's very distracting.

 

I tried this last week and it worked really well. Usually I sit in the back with the girls and it's horrible because they try to talk, don't pay attention, drop stuff. Ugh. Last week we were front and center - the kids did so much better! Of course, I was a nervous wreck going in because if things went south I wasn't going to have an easy escape route. The watched and had a bunch of questions afterwards.

 

I did still bring too much for them to do and next time I'll do that different. I had a bunch of markers and one of the lids when bouncing across the floor right in front of the alter. I wanted to die but nobody else seemed to notice.

 

The idea for sitting in front came from these forums some place. Probably something you mentioned in another thread. Thanks for the great idea.

[milovany]

I appreciate the advice and support, thank you everyone. I only have one parish close to me so I am limited with no cry room, no nursery either. The other Catholic Church requires two tolls and a 45 minute drive so it is very inconvenient to head there every week. Going during the week is very possible for us, we are at home all day.

 

Is there an Orthodox church near you? From what I've read on this or another thread, the Catholic church sees the Orthodox church as "in communion" (you wouldn't be able to receive the Eucharist, but would be there for the Divine Liturgy). Ours has a "cry room". Just a thought -- but honestly I don't know how all that works being so new to Orthodoxy and all.

[dirty ethel rackham]

In addition to the front pew, one other think that helped us get through mass was whispering a play-by-play of the mass into a child's ear. Usually the youngest one spent most of the mass in my arms and I would whisper what was going on. That child usually made very little noise during mass because she was so engaged. Also, from the time my kids were little, we played whispering games at home so they would understand how to whisper in church. By the time my youngest came around, we learned the "hand and the arm" method for interrupting, rather than the ever louder "Mom ... Mom ... Mom".

 

Another thing that helped was to go over the Sunday readings with our kids during the week so they were a little more familiar. When they were very young, I would find a reading in a children's Bible. There used to be a fantastic website on the Sunday readings for kids called Open Wednesday. Unfortunately, that has disappeared and I can't seem to find anything as good.

[jillian]

dd is actually WONDERFUL in mass except occasionally. when she does meltdown though it is bad, she screams and cries. she's been on and off not feeling well (teething, allergies, etc) that just make her have this general low whine which culminates in meltdowns a little more frequently than normal

[milovany]

I had a bunch of markers and one of the lids when bouncing across the floor right in front of the alter. I wanted to die but nobody else seemed to notice.

 

Our priest calls the kid-originated sounds "holy noise." :D