What do you expect from a friend?

[Sue G in PA]

Just curious what others' expectations were of friends. Do you have any expectations? Doing some thinking about my relationships recently and wondering if my expectations where too high. Thanks.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I expect my friends to accept me "as I am" - I don't have to dress up for them or be on my best behavior. I expect my friends to have a certain reciprocity - not a tit-for-tat thing at all but I want them to be seeking my company (even on the phone or e-mail) as well as me seeking theirs. (ETA - most of the time this seems to work out to about once a week that we contact each other but that isn't a hard and fast thing at all).

Edited May 25, 2010 by Jean in Newcastle

[Liz CA]

I have a friend with whom I can discuss nearly anything, who will take a day off from work to accompany me to difficult doctor appointments, who will offer her guest room any day, with whom I can pray when I think all I can do is groan, who will pray for me and hold me up, who will tell me when I am wrong and know I will not take offense, with whom I can laugh and cry.

 

I will do / have done the same for her.

[Entropymama]

Boundaries by Cloud/Townsend talks about this. Sometimes we're feeling let down by friends when it's actually our own expectations that are out of place. For example, if I expect my friend to call and chat every day. That would be really great if we have that kind of relationship, but I can't feel let down if it isn't happening.

 

On the other hand, I think we can expect some reciprocity from friends. If everytime you get together it's because you planned it, or your friend is consistently declining expectations, maybe the friendship isn't what you thought it was. Maybe it's better to let that relationship go a bit and seek out other friends.

 

I'm not sure if this is what you were looking for. :)

[Peela]

I try not to expect too much but it may be my wounding rather than healthy!

I am someone who likes a lot of space and doesnt like friends making too many demands...so I pretty much expect the same from my friends. I dont like to be phoned too often- just enough, though I prefer email!- and I need them to understand that its not easy for me to just go out for coffee whenever. But most of my friends feel the same and are busy and we don't really put too many demands on each other. If we dont see or have any contact for weeks or even months, we still consider ourselves good friends- just good friends busy in our lives doing other things at this time.

There are seasons with friends, and it is likely to be intense and social for some seasons (summer), and less intense and less social in others (autumn), and virtually nothing for others (winter).

I think a good friend is one whom, even if I havent spoken to them for quite a while, we can just pretty much pick up where we left off last time. Thats how I am and I pretty muc expect the same of my friends..though its not much of an expection, it just seems to happen that way for me.

[Michelle My Bell]

Nothing except kindness. My family is where I take my needs.

[DaffodilDreams]

I try not to expect too much but it may be my wounding rather than healthy!

I am someone who likes a lot of space and doesnt like friends making too many demands...so I pretty much expect the same from my friends. I dont like to be phoned too often- just enough, though I prefer email!- and I need them to understand that its not easy for me to just go out for coffee whenever. But most of my friends feel the same and are busy and we don't really put too many demands on each other. If we dont see or have any contact for weeks or even months, we still consider ourselves good friends- just good friends busy in our lives doing other things at this time.

There are seasons with friends, and it is likely to be intense and social for some seasons (summer), and less intense and less social in others (autumn), and virtually nothing for others (winter).

I think a good friend is one whom, even if I havent spoken to them for quite a while, we can just pretty much pick up where we left off last time. Thats how I am and I pretty muc expect the same of my friends..though its not much of an expection, it just seems to happen that way for me.

 

Peela, you and I would make great friends! You just wrote about me. :)

[happi duck]

I expect honesty and no drama.

[ElaineJ]

This is a tricky question. There is no right or wrong answer, but I do think people tend to end up being closest to the people who have similiar expectations to their own. I have in the past distanced myself from several people that I loved because I felt like my friendship was more hurtful to them than helpful. I just could not live up to their expectations due to a lack of time, energy, and the "wrong" personality. I felt like their recurring disappointment was not worth whatever they were gaining from our friendship. So on the whole, my friendships which have most flourished are those in which both parties have similiar views on friendship. Maybe this friend is just not a good match for you? It doesn't mean there is necessarily anything wrong with either her or you. You could develop a more casual relationship and focus more energy on other people in your life. HTH

 

Elaine

[littlebug42]

I currently have one very close friend. We get together, support each other etc. She has a 5 year old and a 6 month old so I don't really expect much right now from her. I am not an extremely social person but she and I are really very similar.

We are part of a small group of friends, all with children, that it had become next to impossible to see. We made a pact last year to set aside the first Friday evening of every month for each other. We rotate through the houses and have been having fun coming up with different themes for dinner etc. We may not talk to each other much more than that (except maybe on FB) but we all are there for each other rather spoken every day or not. We have all been friends for 15 years which was before kids so the dynamic has changed but the love remains. All I guess I truly expect is honesty, respect and enjoying each other.

[AprilTN]

My expectations are very similar to Peela's.

 

I need space, as I am an introvert. But I do enjoy being around my friends, I just run out of mental steam after a while.

 

I also feel uncomfortable getting to know someone quickly. The friends that started off slowly and have taken a long time to get to know are the friends I seem to like the most. The friends that I've made quickly seem to fizzle out after a while. I don't know why that is, it's just something I've observed over the last several years.

[Julie in CA]

Hmm...to me, a friend is someone who has shown interest in my life, and allows me to show interest in theirs. Though I don't usually ask for help or favors, I know that if I were to ask, my real friends would gladly do whatever they could to help me. Keeping my secrets is big, as well as confiding in me and knowing I'll keep theirs. My very best friends will find a way to tell me what I need to know in order to grow, even if it's awkward or difficult to bring up.

 

I have no expectations regarding the amount of time we spend together, or how often we'll talk on the phone, etc., and very much dislike feeling pressured about that. A friend who really cares about me will not ask me to spend time together when I'm busy, unless they are offering it to help me unwind, or in the case that they themselves truly need a shoulder to cry on. My friends are always strong women who don't need much, but still value what I have to give.

[Orthodox6]

What I expect of a friend depends upon the individual friend. All people differ in their characters, and in their abilities to engage in friendship. It is unfair of me to apply one inflexible standard to all of my friends. The only person whom I hold to a rigidly high standard of friendship can be myself.

[Parrothead]

I expect honesty and no drama.

:iagree:

[MomOfOneFunOne]

I'm in the Peela + Michelle My Belle camp.

 

My very dearest and nearest friend is married to me. I have a darling kiddo, as well. All together, when there is support needed, we are the support system.

 

Friends are different. I use the word friend to mean both the very good ones and the charming acquaintances. The very close ones are few and rare. The other friends, while I consider us "friends," well, it's different. We are happy to sit together after mass and visit or get together for the kids to play but . . . no deep emotional attachment. Respect and good will.

 

The only "people" I want to talk to every day are my God, my husband and my daughter.

 

I used to know a woman who, to be friends, needed to talk either in person or on the phone every.single.day. I just call that needy. So, we wouldn't make very good friends b/c she would see me as distant and unfulfilling in the friendship dept. and I would be hiding every time the phone or doorbell rang.

 

 

I think those who have similar expectations and express friendship in similar ways will gravitate toward each other.

[JoyfulMama]

None of my friendships are identical. My closest friends (apart from my dh) are not necessarily friends that I see or talk to most often. Yet I am friendly with many.

Folks who live near (we moved here about a year ago) may be my friends, but not necessarily dear friends. Others are acquaintences, but that word sounds so distancing to me. It takes time and energy to get to know new people. Yet I know that if I needed something I could call on a couple, and have.

I have learned that putting expectations on someone else (including my dh) often backfires, and leaves me disappointed. So instead I focus on my actions, as that I can control.

[Sue G in PA]

Thanks everyone. I have been re-evaluating my relationships recently and wondering if I expect too much from a good friend or if said relationship simply is NOT what I thought it was. I wrote down what *I* expect of myself as a friend (i.e what I would do for a friend) and came up with this:

 

a. Honesty, even if it hurts

b. Grace and forgiveness to a friend who has disappointed, made a mistake, etc.

c. Availablility...not 24/7 on call but there if my friend is in a crisis. I know myself, and I would drop just about anything (w/in reason) to help a friend in need (physical or emotional).

d. Prayer support

e. Trust: I am a SAFE friend...do not gossip, judge, criticize, etc. My friends know they can tell me anything.

f. Compassion

g. Companionship

h. 2 way relationship: I can lean on you and expect from you the same things you expect from me. I can bare my soul to you and vice versa.

 

Those are several I came up with. None of my relationships match all of those criteria. It seems that I do all those things (or would), but my "friends" do not. Most of my "friends" these days are way too busy to even get together for a cup of coffee once a month! And if I am in crisis and need a shoulder to cry on...they tell me go to God and say they will pray for me. Anyway, just curious what others expected in case I was, indeed, being too "needy".

[Mejane]

As so many others have said, that she recognize that I'm an introvert and don't want to chat everyday. That she is "there for me" as I will be for her.

[elegantlion]

My expectations are very similar to Peela's.

 

I need space, as I am an introvert. But I do enjoy being around my friends, I just run out of mental steam after a while.

 

 

:iagree: I like to hang out and let my hair down. I've found a group that I meld very well with. We hang out, but it's very casual. Sometimes we all get together, sometimes it's just a few of us.

 

I have a dear from high school that I don't see often enough. We pick right where we left off.

 

After getting burned a few times I'm very cautious about who I share my needs and "secrets" with. My dh is a good listener but sometimes it just needs to be another woman, kwim. I had to back away from a few friendships because two friends thought they had carte blanche to share what I privately discussed with one with each other. It was frustrating to call one and have her bring up something I had shared with the other. :glare:

[JoyfulMama]

I used to assign this exercise to groups of adults. They were to write down who they would call to do specific things, such as go to a movie, cry on their shoulder, go out to eat/coffee, shop with, help to hang a picture, ask to pick up medicine at the store, celebrate a weight change, go for a walk, ask for spiritual support, ask for advise, needed to talk something out, etc.

The purpose of the exercise was to identify individuals they would be able to call on for help or support, but also to realize that all friends (or spouses) weren't always the best for all things.