What has helped you become more empathetic?

[jld]

A specific event? Time? Reading about other people's lives?

[Rosie_0801]

Very careful coaching from my mother. One of the major mantras from my childhood was "Now look at it from their perspective!" :)

 

Rosie

[kalanamak]

A specific event? Time? Reading about other people's lives?

 

Listening to people. I think I started on this road when I had a BF in college, who, after a couple years, became abusive. To "work this out", after I was safely away, I worked on the domestic violence hotline for our state. That was the first step to being allowed to really hear how difficult other people's lives can be.

 

And while there are some calculating jerks out there, many people who we view as rude or unjust or untrue are just struggling along the best they can. Having inherited a cheerful outlook, and had a decent loving home, I had to unlearn the assumption that everyone else did. Most people who come from "bad" backgrounds don't come from a situation you could recognize at 50 paces as bad. There is a lot of closeted badness in the parenting world. I think of the Dickenson poem:

 

To fight aloud is very brave,

But gallanter, I know,

Who charge within the bosom,

The cavalry of woe.

 

Who win, and nations do not see,

Who fall, and none observe,

Whose dying eyes no country

Regards with patriot love.

 

We trust, in plumed procession,

For such the angels go,

Rank after rank, with even feet

And uniforms of snow.

[Peela]

Having kids- especially a son who was very demanding- being married, and my spiritual path which has included buddhist philosophy about compassion.

One of my meditations is called metta. It involves feeling love by focusing on someone I love, then sending that love feeling toward someone I am having problems with. In other words, opening my heart to my enemies. I learned everyone has their battles and everyone deserves compassion.

Also I think it is hard to feel empathy for others when you are not in touch with your own feelings. I know I didnt know what I felt for my first 25 years. Once I felt my own feelings and was no longer so frozen, I could feel for others.

Mostly though...having kids.

[MyThreeSons]

A specific event? Time? Reading about other people's lives?

 

For me, it's mostly been living thru tough stuff:

 

going thru extensive periods of dh being unemployed, and the corresponding periods of low income

 

various medical problems for several members of the family

 

having a child with special needs who is misunderstood

 

being (or having a child who is) the one left out, not chosen, picked on, etc.

 

moving to a new place where you don't quite fit in

[Ester Maria]

Having inherited a cheerful outlook, and had a decent loving home, I had to unlearn the assumption that everyone else did.

Same thing with me.

 

My parents actually indirectly taught me not to unlearn that... I had a sort of "what you don't want in your life, don't associate yourself with it in the first place" mantra in my upbringing - indirectly, my parents were telling me to stay away from any form of the "underworld", the world of violence and poverty, the world of the less fortunate people and to not mess with it. I was actually pretty spoiled, life-wise, especially before university, because the vast majority of the people I was in contact with came from warm and loving homes and a decent socioeconomic background. In university my eyes opened a bit and I became more understanding of some things, but what really hit it for me was having kids.

 

Kids are the ultimate end to your selfishness and being devoted predominately to your own needs, the ultimate test of "volunteering" and putting somebody else's needs and pleasures before your own.

 

Changing culture, too. It made me realize how similar underneath we all were, regardless of the educational, socioeconomic and cultural differences. It also made me realize that I want to raise my kids a bit less naive life-wise than I was raised, with a bit less "calculating" whom they're going to circle around which, as I later realized, my parents did quite a bit with me.

 

I still think that I generally lack empathy if the situation is not "concrete", near me, in my family and close friends. It's something I have to work on a lot more than people to whom it comes more naturally because they were exposed to more diversity along the specter while growing up. I try.

[rfhsmom]

My father, who passed away three weeks ago, had polio as a 15 yo and he was a great teacher of empathy. The year he spent in a children's hospital had shown him that someone else was always worse off than you. He ended up living 52 years in a wheelchair with only one working lung, but he knew that he had more than some of the others in that hospital--he had life and he lived it to the fullest regardless of his "disability" He always told me to look at things from someone else's perspective. When I had a friend in h.s. with lukemia and I mentioned how strong she was being he said "but what if you were a mouse in her room at night and could hear her then?" That has stuck with me and I always try to imagine what someone is going through behind closed doors. I am so grateful and blessed to have had a father who imparted deep within me an empathy for others.

[texasmama]

The things that have taught me compassion and empathy have been the ones which broke my heart - my first marriage ending in divorce (and the accompanying shunning I received from my church and friends), my mother being disabled and passing away, having four beloved relatives pass away in a bit over a year a few years back, having a child with a birth defect and one with some other issues, a husband who has gone through bouts of unemployment and seeing my own imperfect self unravel through it all and then ravel right back up.:001_smile: I lead Grief and loss recovery groups at my church now and although my education and training and licensure is in psychotherapy, which qualifies me to do this, it is my own personal losses and the dark road of grief I went through personally which truly qualifies me.

 

I now live by this philosophy: "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some sort of battle." J.M. Barrie

[5KidzRUs]

Like a lot of the responses - life taught me to be more emathetic - and hand in hand, less judgemental.

 

My mother (who is NOT empathetic) told her older sister (my sweet VERY empathetic auntie) that she read in the news about a morbidly obese woman who rolled over in her sleep and suffercated her much tinier husband.

My auntie replied that maybe the woman was a heavy sleeper ...

Weird story I know - but I try to look at things from my aunts perspective instead of my moms. ie ... when there is a slow driver in the fast lane I try to tell myself to think that maybe he is not a jerk, maybe there is a left side exit coming up ... or maybe someone is rude because they had a recent hardship ... I guess the bottom line is to try to see a situation NOT from your perspective - but from the others perspective.

[coffeefreak]

Life. I had empathy in my early 20's, lost it, and find that I have it again. A lot of that has been because others have not shown me empathy.

 

There's nothing like walking through life to teach you God's lessons.

 

Blessings!

Dorinda

[5KidzRUs]

I learned the following technique in my 20's - It has helped me more than anything else (other than life experiences):

 

Empathy is one of the most important communication skills you can practice in any relationship. Empathy is a way to look at a situation from the other person's perspective. But when you're having a disagreement, sometimes that can be challenging.

Developed for Japanese school children and explained in the book, Looking Out Looking In by Ron Adler and Neil Towne, the Pillow Method is a unique perspective-taking and empathy-building exercise to try if you're having a disagreement. Using the Pillow Method will help you to see your spouse's point of view and likely avoid a heated argument.

There are five steps to achieving empathy using the Pillow Method:

Step 1: "I'm right, you're wrong." Consider that you are right and your spouse is wrong. This is the perspective we usually take, so it's the obvious first step.

Step 2: "You're right, I'm wrong." Now take the opposite presumption. Presume you're wrong and your spouse is right in this situation. Your goal is to find a way to understand how your spouse could behave in a way that you disagree with.

Step 3: "Both right, both wrong." Find the commonalities and acknowledge the strengths and weaknesses of each position.

Step 4: "The issue isn't as important as it seems." Try not to get so wrapped up in a disagreement that over time will fade. This, too shall pass, so be aware of that and release some of the tension.

Step 5: "There is truth in all four perspectives." Each of the above perspectives has its own truth. Once you look at a situation from each of these perspectives, you may not come to a point of agreement, but you will understand each other better and you can understand the situation better.

Edited May 18, 2010 by 5KidzRUs

[Garga]

My empathy lessons:

 

1. Being painfully shy as a kid. I ended up acting a little odd, because I was so shy and awkward. Therefore I was ignored or teased. At 37, I'm very outgoing and don't look or act odd at all. But I'm very kind to people who look shy or "odd." If we're at a church dinner and someone is sitting alone looking shy, I'll make a point to sit with them and chat. I know that inside, many of them wish they could reach out, but can't figure out how to do so.

 

2. Reading posts on WTM. Really. People just tell it like it is on these posts. I've learned points of view and bad times in life that I never really understood before.

[OnTheBrink]

Trials.

 

I never understood how a woman could land in an abusive marriage until I landed in one.

 

I never understood the pain of a miscarriage until I held that little tiny baby in the palm of my hand.

 

I never understood poverty until I lived in it.

 

I never understood the pain of losing a beloved pet until my cat died.

 

Etc.

[Tap]

A few things:

 

Having kids-DD11 taught me about DeAlInG with BiG personalities and negotiating. DS15 taught me about looking out for the quiet person and making sure they are truly happy and not just saying so. DD3 has broken me emotionally a few times-but I now realize that I can bounce back :)

 

Due to these 3 very different personalities, I can empathize with more parents and kids. I am a much better friend to my fellow parents, in understanding their depth of heartache, due to my own.

 

Dh- taught me to stand up for myself and to not give everyone else all that I have to give. This has taught me to understand (empathize with) that what a person projects (specifically wives) isn't always how it is in real life.

 

 

I think I have learned so much here though... I have spent years reading about points of view that I never considered. I have heard people say things hurt their feelings, that never would have occured to me. And then I read so many people agreeing with the hurt person. I think I have learned to empathize with more people, by seeing perspectives that I absolutely never, ever would have seen before. I am not a real tender hearted person; I am a realist. I see things as they are...not how they feel. I have really learned a lot about feelings since I have started coming here. That is a good thing for me.

[Dandelion]

I've had many "life lessons" that have helped me to be more empathetic - growing up relatively poor in a single parent household, constantly moving and being the "outsider", growing up in a foreign country (where I didn't even speak the language initially), having to work for everything I've ever had. But I would have to say that nothing has made me more empathetic than being married and being a mom.

 

Before marriage and motherhood, I was able to be sympathetic about many difficulties in life, but I wasn't truly able to be empathetic until I experienced many of those difficulties myself and experienced the necessary "selflessness" that comes with being a mom. I think it's possible to be empathetic about things you haven't experienced yourself (or at least have some direct knowledge of), but it requires a lot more work and focus to achieve empathy in those situations.

[littlebug42]

For me, it was having a child born with a birth defect first and foremost. Seeing life through her eyes and with her spirit has taught me so much about not only being a better parent but a better person. Also, when I went through the conversion process to become Catholic. I feel closer to God and how I feel I should live my life.

[6packofun]

For me: My struggle with weight gain during my pregnancies and STILL trying to lose it all. I was pretty heartless before about overweight people and thought, "Why don't they just get some self-control and eat less???" Wow. It's NOT easy!!! I empathize with that struggle very much.

 

Also, reading How to Win Friends and Influence People was groundbreaking for me. I realized that I could go through an entire conversation with someone and NEVER ask them a single thing about themself! I worked really hard to change that specific thing and now I feel like I'm a much better listener, friend, conversationalist. The unfortunate side effect is that my dh needs to read this book because I notice him being totally self-focused in conversations ALL the time and it's annoying!! LOL

Edited May 18, 2010 by 6packofun
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[Renee in NC]

For me, it's mostly been living thru tough stuff:

 

going thru extensive periods of dh being unemployed, and the corresponding periods of low income

 

various medical problems for several members of the family

 

having a child with special needs who is misunderstood

 

being (or having a child who is) the one left out, not chosen, picked on, etc.

 

moving to a new place where you don't quite fit in

 

:iagree:

[iquilt]

Honestly, I used to be so judgemental. Now that I'm the one being judged by total strangers at the grocery store because I'm a dreaded homeschooler, I've realized how judgemental I was and how to change. Does that make sense? I guess it's the "walk a mile in someone else's shoes" statement.

[jld]

Thank you so much for participating in this thread, ladies. Your heartfelt responses are thought-provoking, moving, and deeply appreciated!

 

:grouphug:

[Sunkirst]

I've got to agree with all the others who felt that parenthood helped them become more empathetic. Not only do you suddenly have an absolutely pressing need to know why that little being is crying; as your children grow older you realize how little is under your control. Life just comes at you when you're a parent, and this helped me realize that life is always coming at everyone, and most of us are just struggling along as best we can.

[Catherine]

Becoming a doctor puts one into the minute, intimate details of other people's lives-their feelings, their experiences, their beliefs. I truly never imagined what other people carry around with them every day. Ordinary people can be pretty **** extraordinary.

[Denisemomof4]

I was born this way. I was rescuing frogs and bringing home strays before I started school. I befriended a very old, lonely widow whom I got to know on my way home from grammar school. I believe I was in first or second grade. Everyone else would pass her by, but I would go visit her. She had a pet mynah bird that I fell in love with. Funniest thing!!! As a teen I worked for the elderly, both in a nursing home and a visiting LNA. I worked for the handicapped, and mentally challenged children. I absolutely LOVED it and to this day I look back on those memories fondly. My father rented me a car that would fit a wheelchair and a walker so I could bring two of my favorite clients to my high school graduation. One, a diabetic, I secretly gave a piece of cake and a beer to. He was AWESOME. I always wanted to adopt, to save the life of a child, since before I had my own kids. And I still would adopt a medically or mentally challenged (not RAD but more like Downs Syndrome) if my husband would allow it. I don't dare bring it up because..... I have a rescue farm with 37 animals. Nobody understands why we pay all this money for animals with no use.

 

I'm not tooting my own horn. To be like this is HARD and I get taken advantage of. I've learned to grow a thicker skin. Sometimes I wish I wasn't like this. I do try to be more cautious but again, sometimes I just can't help myself.

 

I'm a lost cause.

;)

[mktkcb]

growing up.....great example from my parents; lost a cousin/playmate when I was about 8 yrs old & that made a huge impression on me that life is short and I need to enjoy each moment; lived in a 3rd world country for many years growing up & that gives wonderful perspective; my mother has struggled at different times with depression, so I've become very empathetic to those who deal with mental illness; I have a couple of fairly difficult (spd/hyper/gifted) children that have made me super empathetic to others who have not so well behaved kids. Parenting in general is a very humbling experience :o).