Book suggestion for my marriage

[lincap]

I am feeling a slump in our marriage. We have been together for 13 years married for almost 6 yrs. We have 3 boys (4yr old, 2 yr old and 2 month old). Lately I just feel BLAH about our relationship. I just end up by getting mad at him for not helping me with the cleaning and haven't been intimate since months before the baby was born. I just don't have the oomph to even try.

 

Well the other night Cinco De Mayo he made us all fruity drink smoothies... YUM!... but no.. mine had rum in it.. uh? I don't drink. I am nursing and I haven't had any alcohol since Jan 2005 and I really don't ever want to drink again. I am not an alcoholic but have seen my dad and brother as alcoholics and I just have no desire to drink again. So I said "rum? for me!? " and he said "I want fun Linda back".. ok so getting me drunk ain't it!

 

I need to read something about marriage... about how it evolves... people change but marriages continue. I need some inspiration.. any good books?

[simka2]

My favorite...dh and I teach it as a class...is "Families Where Grace is in Place." by Jeff Vanvanderon. It's about the whole family though, but some of the marriage principles are great. Warning: it is Christian based.

[akmommy]

:bigear:

[Liz CA]

Linda, you have three children under the age of 5 yrs. I think your dh wants his wife back who is now busy with the little ones. Can you get a babysitter, grandma/aunt/uncle to watch the kiddos for an evening and go on a date? Your baby is so young and there must be a lot on your plate and it's normal to assume dh can/should be able to function well on his own.

 

As far as book suggestions: I like "Boundaries in Marriage" by Townsend & Cloud but they also have "Rescuing your love life." This may be more helpful.

[BeckyFL]

I think these two are great:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1273536921&sr=1-1

 

http://www.amazon.com/Women-Only-about-Inner-Lives/dp/1590523172

[fairfarmhand]

you have a pretty tiny baby...are you sure this isn't a post partum depression thing? That is exactly how I am when I go through periods of depression.

[lincap]

My favorite...dh and I teach it as a class...is "Families Where Grace is in Place." by Jeff Vanvanderon. It's about the whole family though, but some of the marriage principles are great. Warning: it is Christian based.

 

That looks like a great book!

 

Linda, you have three children under the age of 5 yrs. I think your dh wants his wife back who is now busy with the little ones. Can you get a babysitter, grandma/aunt/uncle to watch the kiddos for an evening and go on a date? Your baby is so young and there must be a lot on your plate and it's normal to assume dh can/should be able to function well on his own.

 

As far as book suggestions: I like "Boundaries in Marriage" by Townsend & Cloud but they also have "Rescuing your love life." This may be more helpful.

 

 

YES June 13 we have a date planned! I know it is a while away but my mom lives 3 hours away and she'll be watching the kiddos. I will check those books out!

I think these two are great:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1273536921&sr=1-1

 

http://www.amazon.com/Women-Only-about-Inner-Lives/dp/1590523172

 

Those look good too!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

you have a pretty tiny baby...are you sure this isn't a post partum depression thing? That is exactly how I am when I go through periods of depression.

 

You know.. . Sometimes I wonder the same thing but in general I feel ok just overwhelmed at times!! I do have an appt with my midwife soon and will talk to her. I think I am just more angry that DH doesn't even try to help out more.

[LizzyBee]

....

You know.. . Sometimes I wonder the same thing but in general I feel ok just overwhelmed at times!! I do have an appt with my midwife soon and will talk to her. I think I am just more angry that DH doesn't even try to help out more....

 

How about writing a note to him saying that you want fun Linda back too, but you're feeling overwhelmed with all that's on your plate right now, and could he possibly set aside a few hours a week to help with cleaning (or laundry, or cooking, or washing dishes)? Let him know that it would help take some pressure off you and free up a little time for more fun activities. Or if it's in the budget, hire someone to clean house once a week or every other week. If he's resistant to that idea, emphasize that it will free up some of your time for more FUN activities. :001_smile:

 

Keep reminding yourself that having young children is a stressful season of life, but it doesn't last forever. As they get older, life really does get so much easier!

[Heatherwith4]

Linda,

My dc are almost exactly the same ages as yours. The baby will be 9 wks tomorrow, and my others are 4 1/2 and 3. It is totally overwhelming!

I have days where I am surprisingly productive, and days when all I do is nurse the baby.

I don't have any book suggestions, just offering support. Could you hire someone to help around the house?

Heather

[TCoppock]

My favorite...dh and I teach it as a class...is "Families Where Grace is in Place." by Jeff Vanvanderon. It's about the whole family though, but some of the marriage principles are great. Warning: it is Christian based.

 

Just wanted to thank you for offering this suggestion. It looks like what my family needs right now.

 

:grouphug: I do not have any book suggestions, but I can offer some suggestions for some "fun" without going out of the house. Sometimes when DS goes to bed DH and I "picnic" in the living room. We also do movie night at home, including all the goodies we would get at the concession stand. Another thing that is really nice is giving one another massages (with full disclosure it will go no further). I can remember after having my son the last thing I wanted was TEA and I went to the extreme of avoiding all physical contact until a therapist suggested this. It really helped with the stress and also brought back some intimacy.

[fairfarmhand]

ummm....well, with me, fatigue, anger and depression go together, every single time....

 

as far as the housework goes, have you asked him for specific help. Not just please could you help out some...but things like. "I'm really tired tonight would you mind helping with the dishes or giving the kids baths?"

 

And I had to learn to expect some chaos and even try to plan for it. For instance our most awful time of day was from 5pm to 9pm. IN that period of time I was trying to cook supper, give baths, feed kids, wash dishes and to top it off, that was the time period that my colicky ones were sounding off.

 

So I started giving baths in the morning when my energy was higher. I quit letting dishes pile up in the sink all day; I'd put them away immediately. I'd cook crock pot meals so I didn't have to be cooking in the evening; plus if it was a soup, then we'd only have bowls and spoons to wash instead of several serving dishes, plates and pots and pans. I'd try to get things picked up between 3 and 4 and then let the kids watch a video till supper so it would stay neat for at least 5 minutes.

 

I think when I would get annoyed at my dh for not helping it was mostly those evenings when I felt like I couldn't get anything done! And of course going to bed with piles of dishes in the sink and feeling overwhelmed did nothing to "get those loving feelings" going.

 

Anyway, remember, this too shall pass. Please mention to your midwife that you are feeling this way. When I am depressed, even getting off the couch takes effort. I can look around and see gobs of stuff that needs to be done but it is beyond me to find the motivation to take care of it.

[Lovedtodeath]

I was getting prepared to recommend a book that helped us, but what you really need is time. More than 2 months after having a baby! Maybe a husband that understands that? Yes, you need books about post-partum. I read several that said a 3 month recovery (ie:wife is no fun and doesn't have s*x for the first time yet) wasn't unusual.

[Rosie_0801]

I don't know why they don't teach the normality of blah in pre-natal classes. I mean they point out how important it is to wait for until after one's six week check for intimacy, but that seems to give the idea that we'll be back to our perky selves in six weeks. Six weeks? As if! Sleep deprivation and leakiness does not make for a fun woman. I may well be the most pathetic person on earth, but I'm only just starting to function like my normal self, and ds is 15 months. I've only just started cooking dinner again. True, dh isn't here to do it atm; but usually when he's not here, everyone gets peanut butter sandwiches and I hide on here hoping they'll go and play and NOT TOUCH ME.

 

Definitely talk to your midwife about depression, but feeling crappy when you have a two month old and other little kids sounds pretty normal to me. I think your dh will just have to wait, and he needs to understand that you are not finding it any more fun than he is. If he can afford to, he could hire a house cleaner for you. That energy you spend on cleaning could be better spent being fun, huh?

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[Lovedtodeath]

everyone gets peanut butter sandwiches and I hide on here hoping they'll go and play and NOT TOUCH ME.

Rosie

Rosie, that is why I like you so much! We were separated at birth. (Now no one has to wonder why my post count is so high.)

[fairfarmhand]

Yeah, I was one of the "please don't touch me" people too. Personal space seems to be a thing of the past when you have little ones!

[Blueridge]

Keep it simple...when all the kids are in bed, snuggle on the couch with dh and watch a nice movie. Let the dishes wait.

[Sue G in PA]

I've heard that Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas is very good. I personally enjoyed Safe Haven Marriage....it is a book to be read together if your dh would do that. My dh is enjoying it. Also 2nd Boundaries in Marriage. :grouphug: to you b/c this stage is so difficult. Young kids, homeschooling, not a lot of quality time together, dh's feel very jealous, etc.

[AuntPol]

My husband is not one inclined to do anything. I have found that getting up from dinner table and thanking him in advance for washing the dishes and then leave the room works wonders.

 

I like the book For Better or For Worse by Gary Smalley.

[6packofun]

Sacred Marriage is great if BOTH spouses read it, IMO. In fact, the focus of most Christian marriage books is for the person reading it to do all that *they* can to be a great spouse and the other spouse will hopefully be affected by their changes and also change. Doesn't always happen like that and then the person who is striving so hard feels exhausted with the effort and wonders what else they can possibly do. (Prayer is about it, if you ask me.)

 

Sometimes one spouse DOES need to change to make a marriage better and usually it's not the spouse who's asking for a book recommendation. LOL

[MelanieM]

A big 'yeah that!' to all the posts about needing time, and it being typical to feel overwhelmed with three littles!

 

That said, here is my favourite piece of advice for improving any relationship... Get yourself a notebook and every day, write down *at least* three things you appreciate about your husband. Big things (he cooked me dinner!), little things (his hair looked good today!), current things (he gave me a sweet smile this morning!), things from 10 years ago (he was so sweet on our first date!)... anything at all counts. Do this every day for 30 days and see if it doesn't change your life. Really.

 

I also really love the blog Project Happily Ever After. She has a great writing style, and some of her posts are just brilliant.

[justamouse]

Tell him watching him vacuum turns you into a raging nympho. ;) Seriously. I'm not kidding. It gets the point across.

Are you:

 

Sleeping?

 

Eating well? Taking your vitamins?

 

Doing ANYTHING for yourself? You need some "me' time. It's not selfish. It's what keeps you sane and everyone wants a sane mommy. And after seeing the ages of your kids again. *THIS* Take time for yourself. It will bring back the woman he loves, the mommy the kids think is great. They are too small to be homeschooling all hours of the day, so relax with that, too.

 

Sleeping? ;)

 

You're where the rubber hits the road and I think you're going to have to refine your priorities. Dishes in the sink overnight will not kill you. Neither will laundry on the floor. You cannot be supermom. Sorry. It's a myth, and one that hurts women. Martha has one kid and lots of gardeners, shoppers and cooks. There is no comparing. So, take naps and take an hour a day to get back into a hobby you love. When the kids are older and not as needy you won't remember how bad the house looked-you will remember how awful you felt and how hard it was on your marriage. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Edited May 11, 2010 by justamouse

[juelle]

I notice the tension during the each child's first year. He wants more attention, I want to be able to focus on him more, but my mind and hormones are zoomed in on the kids...AAGGH!

The best moments are when we can laugh together. AFV has been a blessing more than once! :001_smile:

[Susan in TX]

I think I am just more angry that DH doesn't even try to help out more.

 

I think that perhaps this is where your problem lies, and the fact that you have just had a baby and your hormones aren't back to normal. The post-partum period can be really hard on a marriage. If the wife feels like the husband isn't helping enough with the kids/house resentment builds. And if the wife isn't interested in marital relations (which is totally understandable, btw) it just adds to the strain, and can make the husband feel rejected.

 

So you have a choice: you can hold on to your anger and let your marriage suffer, or you can choose to let it go.

 

And if you need help and dh won't/can't then don't hesitate to hire help if you can afford it. If you can't, then just do whatever you can to make things easier on yourself.

 

Susan in TX

[ereks mom]

I am feeling a slump in our marriage. We have been together for 13 years married for almost 6 yrs. We have 3 boys (4yr old, 2 yr old and 2 month old). Lately I just feel BLAH about our relationship. I just end up by getting mad at him for not helping me with the cleaning and haven't been intimate since months before the baby was born. I just don't have the oomph to even try.

 

Well the other night Cinco De Mayo he made us all fruity drink smoothies... YUM!... but no.. mine had rum in it.. uh? I don't drink. I am nursing and I haven't had any alcohol since Jan 2005 and I really don't ever want to drink again. I am not an alcoholic but have seen my dad and brother as alcoholics and I just have no desire to drink again. So I said "rum? for me!? " and he said "I want fun Linda back".. ok so getting me drunk ain't it!

 

I need to read something about marriage... about how it evolves... people change but marriages continue. I need some inspiration.. any good books?

 

It sounds like your love language might be acts of service, while his might be physical touch. That's exactly the way dh & I are, and once we each understood how the other expresses love, we were able to communicate much better. To me, NOTHING says "I love you" more than when he does little things for me--unload the dishwasher, refill the soap dispenser, make the bed, put gas in my car, etc. To him, NOTHING says "I love you" more than when I hug him or touch him in some way (yes, "tea", of course, but other tender touches too).

Edited May 11, 2010 by ereks mom

[LizzyBee]

Tell him watching him vacuum turns you into a raging nympho. ;) Seriously. I'm not kidding. It gets the point across.

 

 

And doing it shirtless is even better. :D

[mom4knights]

My dh and I have also really enjoyed the materials from FamilyLife.com - we pretty much have liked everything from them. Having 4 kids age 6 - 2 is pretty tiresome but we've enjoyed their Simply Romantic Date night materials see (http://www.shopfamilylife.com/romance-and-sex.html).

 

HTH! :-)

[babysparkler]

 

After the Baby: Making Sense of Marriage After Childbirth is a postpartum book that helped me.

[Caribbean Queen]

Tell him watching him vacuum turns you into a raging nympho. ;)

 

Have you seen the commercial for Pine Sol where the woman comes home and sees her man moping? She lays on the bed in rose petals and says, "That's the power of Pine Sol, baby." I like that commerical

 

http://www.pinesol.com/

 

___________________________________________

 

If you wait until you aren't consumed with motherhood, and feel satified with your spouse before breaking out the TEA, you may have a looooong wait. I got flamed badly on another message board for saying this, but -try lighten up, and have some fun, and make your husband happy.

 

Here is what I do. Once the children are asleep, I shower and hang out with hubby He is man, I am a woman, we're alone...one thing leads to another. Maybe at first I am like, "*yawn* ho hum" but then things pick up. It has nothing to do with how much he is helping around the house. It doesn't mean I am satified with how our realtionship is doing. It's lust.

[Alicia64]

He wants the fun girl back after two months?! That's a tall order. :grouphug:

 

I just wanted to say: you're normal. And so is dh. You'll start feeling better as time goes on.

 

Just keep saying, "all in due time."

 

I'm also finding the Harold Robbins books help one feel like having some tea. :lol:

 

Alley

[lincap]

THANK YOU ALL!

 

I feel so blessed to have so many different perspectives to think about!!

 

Post partum has a lot to do with it. Between nursing and changing diapers for a 9 week old and dealing with 2 yr old tantrums and starting to potty train, and the 4 yr old who is so good but EMOTIONAL, I am exhausted. I go to sleep by 830-900pm because I am up feeding my little guy at night.

 

I am thinking of hiring someone to at least clean bathrooms once a week.

 

I will try to at least cuddle more with DH to start. And I like the idea of being more forward and thanking him "Thanks for sweeping the floor tonight" will be what I am saying after dinner tomorrow!!

 

I did ask him to take over bath and bedtime of the older two and he is doing just fine. I am sure the boys aren't getting really clean.. but they are having fun.

 

ahhh.. the first year of a baby's life is tough.

 

I am going to try to be more proactive and stop being angry. He cannot read my mind.

 

I am going to read up on all those books too!!

 

THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[pryde55]

Just a suggestion -- schedule a monthly (or more frequent) date night. Get it on the calendar & stick to it! Yes, it requires a sitter, but you and your husband need time alone! Doesn't have to cost money like dinner and a movie -- it could be a walk in the park or sitting down at Starbucks talking about your relationship.