Unmotivated, ungrateful upcoming 9th grader...HELP!

[~blessedmom~]

My soon to be 9th grader has absolutely no motivation to actually learn for himself....he just wants to "get school done." He just expects to go through a book, finish it and forget it so he can move on. He has no gratitude for the privilege of homeschooling--getting to have a say in his education and being able to tailor it to his strengths and interests.

 

I just want to put him back in "real school" and say, "See...!" :mad: He wants to homeschool, but I am starting to think it's because he feels he will have to do less. He just wants to do the bare minimum.

 

Anybody know of any "summer school" courses that I can put him through so he might come to appreciate what he has here at home? I am to the point of pulling out my hair! He'll either end up in public high school next year (yikes!:eek: ) or I'll be coming up with homeschool curriculum choices without his input where he doesn't put forth his best effort ( :crying: ).

 

Any lifelines for a drowning mama?:bigear:

[Faithr]

Hmmm. Why is it so important that he feel gratitude about this? It sounds like he doesn't feel any claim on his education at all. I mean, he doesn't see it as his but just other people, either you or school, putting him through stuff that doesn't seem relevant to him. So why should he be grateful for that anyway?

 

Instead of getting frustrated at him for not having the right feelings (which he can't control anyway, can he?) I'd just focus on have more joy and intimacy between you. That is the best thing to get you through the teens. Once he feels trust, maybe you can build on that and come up with an agreeable program for high school. I think he'll only get more alienated if you put him into public school as a punishment for not being grateful.

[JennW in SoCal]

I'm assuming your son is around 14? Is he your oldest, making this the first time through this stage?

 

MOST 13-15yo boys don't care about school. Their bodies are so busy with the physical changes that come with puberty that they are unable to think beyond "food" and "sleep" and generally find it easier to not use any higher brain functions. This stage passes, though it isn't a magical transformation into an eager and grateful homeschooling student.

 

You can't change how he feels, but you can change your reactions to him and your expectations about what homeschooling is going to be like for him. You can also change HOW you homeschool -- but you are going to have to change your expectations and ideals. I'm not advocating giving up on quality, but on what kind of school you do.

 

My first recommendation is for the summer. Does your ds have any interests he would like to pursue? Is he athletic, have a hobby, or a skill he would like to learn? I rediscovered how wonderful my oldest was at the age of 13 when he started to volunteer in the tech department at church. The sullen and withdrawn kid who didn't give a hoot about school was a different kid with his mentors. He was eager to learn, dedicated and hard working. It really helped me see him in a new light, to see all that is positive in him. Can you think of something for your ds to do, with another adult, where he could shine?

 

If you continue homeschooling through high school, why not tweak the courses to match his interests? My oldest ds, who was and is a theater nut, studied history and literature through theater -- greek theater, Shakespeare, American broadway theater. He read plays, adapted scenes from books into a script complete with lighting cues. He even figured out how to tie theater into science occasionally through projects like re-creating and explaining the lighting tricks that create the ghosts on Haunted Mansion at Disney. He still wrote essays and longer research papers, but the content was chosen to appeal to him. Take advantage of homeschooling by doing something unique. It doesn't mean you are caving in or shirking on standards, it means you are providing the kind of education that works best with your child.

 

In a few years your ds can take community college courses. A friend's ds, at the age of 16, is looking forward to taking auto mechanics, orchestra and marine biology at the community college next fall. He HATES traditional school, and wants to be in charge of his education, so she graduated him and he is enrolling as a regular student. It is scary to have him choosing his path, but he seems to think he will do better when he has a choice in the order of classes and in teachers. Perhaps your ds will be ready for one or 2 cc classes before long, or perhaps there are homeschool co-ops in your area that will take some of the education burden off you.

 

So...give your ds as break and take some time to rethink your own expectations. You can't discipline him into loving your ideal home school, but you can set him up to succeed and you can learn to love and appreciate the unique person that he is.

[Tullia]

I think what you're describing is not at all unusual given his age. For my son, we found that we needed to let him stay up later and sleep later than when he was younger.

 

Also, plenty of physical activity is important, too. Unless he's got some pressing academic need, the time over the summer might be better spent working, volunteering, or doing chores around the house. Anything that will let him widen his horizons and explore things that might interest him.

 

My son's attitude improved but it was a gradual process. His finding interests he was passionate about pursuing (piano, guitar, composing) helped turn his attitude around. It also helps to have friendly adults (parents, relatives and friends) who can help a young man change from looking at school work as an unpleasant task to thinking of school as a means to acquiring the skills he NEEDS in order to achieve a desired end.

 

You may also want to look for ways to incorporate what I jokingly call the "tertium quid" (third thing) aspect of hsing a high school student. It might be a co-op or CC class, a curriculum which includes some video instruction, or a Teaching Company dvd. Remember, that while you may be savoring delightful memories of the younger years of homeschooling and looking forward to deeper discussions and such, his focus may well be on starting to achieve some independence. It's a delicate balancing act.

 

One tip I found that worked with ds was that of requiring accountability, but doing it more like an employer, employee relationship--for us that worked better than mom saying, whadda ya mean you're not finished...it should have been done yesterday! :D And, when he got his own computer mid-way through hs, checking up on routine accountability issues via e-mail (yes, we e-mailed from one end of the house to another many, many times) he was more willing to engage in substantive discussions about history and science, and eventually literature. (He was slow to develop an appreciation for the value of discussing works of literature.)

 

I reminded my son more than once (1) Your father and I have a moral and legal obligation to see to it that you get a decent education. (2) We love you, and want to make sure you have all the tools you are going to need to achieve your dreams. I could let you slack off, but what would I say to you 5,10 years on when you're an adult w/o the tools you need to do what you want?

 

Boys of this age need a mix of nurturing mom and drill-instructor mom; their need for either varies from one minute to the the next. Sometimes a surly attitude can mask feelings of being torn between wanting more independence, but not being quite sure how to go about it. Whatever you do, don't let school issues (home, public or private) ruin your relationship with your son.

 

Hope there's something useful in these ramblings,

Martha

[~blessedmom~]

I just went back and re-read my post....and it surely came across as "how can I punish this kid for ....being a kid?!", didn't it?!:blush:

 

I was in the throes of frustration, trying to go over options for next year with him, and I posted without counting to ten first!:D I would never use education as a way to punish him...and I certainly didn't express to him any of what I posted here out of frustration. I did tell him I wish he would have more of an investment in his own education and not want to do just the bare minimum.

 

As far as gratitude, I'm not looking for him to be grateful to me but rather the fact that he can learn in ways that are best suited to him and not a teaching-to-the-middle classroom.

 

We only have two weeks left of our school year...so for now history, etc... has been put on hold, and we are going to concentrate on finishing our math and science, and we will continue our reading.

 

My son loves remote control vehicles, and he has surprised himself and his dad :D with the knowledge he has gained from them (small motors, electronics...) We've encouraged that with a brand new one for Christmas and also Lego Mindstorms, and he is excited about taking an AutoCAD class at the CC in the future. He loves to design, take apart, and modify vehicles, Nerf guns, what-have-ya.

 

I keep trying to convey to him that he has a lot more intelligence than he gives himself credit for. My issue is that he still has to learn math and writing because those are skills that are necessary for college and his probable career choices. I'm hoping that his desire to learn will grow....and no, I'm not shipping him off to school...or the military...at least at this point!!;):lol:

 

I just blew off some steam here....so thank you SO VERY MUCH for your guidance and wisdom and compassion!! I, for one, am very grateful that the homeschooling community has such long, virtual arms!!!

Edited May 10, 2010 by ~blessedmom~

[Cedarmom]

Have you homeschooled the whole time? This is really all he knows. It wasn't until my son was on a baseball team that he started to get it. When he heard how low the school's expectations were, and some of the wierd requirements the kids had, he started to realize homeschool really was better. But, he still doesn't have much tom compare it with, He has never been other than homeschooled. So he doesn't get how much a say he really had in his education. I don't think that he will realize that until he is 30 or so.

[Teachin'Mine]

Encourage him to get a summer job at McDonalds cleaning the frying vats. This may help to motivate him to want to get a better education so his job opportunities are broadened. :D Nothing like hard work at low pay to help anyone appreciate the value of a good education. It may take more than one summer for this to click for him though. And I know that there are many adults who do jobs like this, so it's nothing against them. It's just an idea to help your son take an interest in his school work if he sees it as a means to the end of a better income.

[Faithr]

Well, he's probably a little young to work at McD's I think!

 

Anyway, I think I came off as rather short and judgmental in my response to you Blessedmom! I was typing quickly because my 15 yo wanted me to do literature with him at that moment!

 

The thing is you can't force someone to be grateful. You just can't. I would just dispense with that. Hopefully later he'll be grateful when he grows up some, but now I just wouldn't focus on that. I think it will lead to lots of resentment on both parties part.

 

From my own personal experience I second the observation that early teens go through a period where they are too busy growing and changing to focus much on school. They are rather at the mercy of their hormones. My son who is 15 right now went into a deep dark tunnel that he is just now emerging from and I know that I have vented and worried plenty over him, even though he's my 3rd teen and 2nd son to do this! I am slow learner apparently! LOL! This whole conversation is very serendipitious because I was beginning to worry over my son's spending so much time on the computer. His father (my darling dh!) gave him his old notepad (or whatever you call those mini laptops.) Well, I was upset because I've been talking to my dh about how said son really spends too much time on the computer and how he's just now emerging from his shell, recovering from surgery, yadda, yadda, yadda. . . and then dh goes and gives him his old notepad!!!! So I had a talk with my son about these things. Unbeknownst to me son picked up Do Hard Things last night and reread parts of it (he'd read it about a year ago) so this a.m. he got right to his work (which is why I had to write so quickly! I didn't want to discourage him from being take charge.)

 

Now I have to go again because this same son wants to do Latin homework now! (we are taking a class together). So the downside to having an actively engaged teen who wants to learn is that you have far less time on WTM board. LOL!

 

The book Do Hard Things does come from a Christian perspective, and it is inspiring for young teens to read and develop a vision of what they want to do in their life.

[Deb in NZ]

was VERY hard work until the beginning of this year. Age 13, 14, 15 was a big lesson in patience for me. Dh wasn't too worried, but I was looking for a boy eager to sit down & learn with me. It just wasn't going to happen :confused: In the last year ds#1 grew over 6 inches. He was too busy growing to even consider thinking about anything else. Some things that have made a difference for us:

** Taking ds#1 to talk to the navy recruiter. I sat in on the interview, but ds did all the talking. We were able to get a handle on how to approach these next couple of years before he is of age to enlist.

** We sent ds#1 to a week-long Scout canoe camp. We dropped him off at the train station. He had to take a 5 hour train trip to get to the camp. Ds grew so much in his self-confidence just from that trip alone.

** Ds#1 is currently enrolled in a vocational education course at the local polytech (like community college). He attends general ed. courses 2 days a week & trade courses 2 days a week. Ds has found that he is smarter than he thought & has found a new attitude towards his education. One day his tutor let the class go an hour early & ds texted me to come get him as he wanted to get some Latin done before he had to go to his gymnastics training! :001_huh: Last year he thought that Latin was a stupid thing to study as no one spoke it anymore.

**We signed ds#1 up for maths & English through the NZ correspondence school. He needed to gain credits for the Navy. He has earned the minimum maths credits needed in only a month of study. Last week we added in English & when he's gained the minimum credits he needs we'll enroll him in science as well. He puts in a hour on each NZCS course each monday (his day off from polytech) & tries to give each a bit of time during the week as well as "homework." If he keeps up the good work, ds will have earned his NCEA 2 certificate by the end of the year. This will go a long way to getting him into further tertiary courses or the Navy.

 

Time seems to have helped to fix some of ds#1's attitude issues. Asking him what he wants to study is too big a question for him. Telling him we need to keep up with his maths & would he prefer to use MUS or NZ maths, works much better. Complaining a bit about school is just saving face with his friends as it isn't cool to like school. I try to ignore the noise & look at the effort & results. ;)

 

JMHO,

[Tullia]

I just went back and re-read my post....and it surely came across as "how can I punish this kid for ....being a kid?!", didn't it?!:blush:

 

 

 

I didn't read your OP that way and hope my reply didn't make it seem that I did, lol. All I can say is that I've BTDT, but in spite of my tendency to think my son would never take ownership of his education and life he is doing just that--and doing a fine job, too. It didn't happen overnight, and sometimes we measured progress in agonizingly small steps.

 

What I could have said better is that it's certainly possible to home school all the way through and keep a good relationship with your children. I didn't mean to imply you were dancing on the edge of a doomed family life or anything--and you didn't come across that way at all. That said, sorting out the issues of parenting an adolescent along with teaching and being a guidance counselor all at the same time is hard work. Sorry for dashing off my reply too quickly. I was reading my own memories into your post and replying to self...not you.

[mom2paul]

I am going through the very same thing with 14 ds. I must pray more, have more patience and continue to be diligent. Yesterday was a very hard day for me. He didn't want to do schoolwork and things escalated from there. Yes, I did lose my patience and temper and had to go off for a long cry and pray. Today ds is back on track with his schoolwork and chores.

 

I go through these fears like he won't be prepared enough together with the emotions of knowing I must one day let go of him. DS is my one and only - God gave me this child after 20 years of infertility and being a mother is one God's greatest gifts to me and at times I feel like a complete failure -- like yesterday. He is a smart kid, but given to laziness so he needs a push.

 

I do enlist the help of co-ops for subjects I don't feel equipped enough to teach and we have other community service work, ds has friends, his life is very good, but he is a teen - going through hormonal changes, and yes, so is 50 something mom :)

 

I didn't mean to write a book, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one who stresses over high school homeschooling. One day they will be gone and hopefully will remember that we were correct about a thing or two :lol:.

[johnandtinagilbert]

I just wanted to say, I'm right there with you and here's what I've learned from the wise mommas here: make sure you are offering every tool you can for him to be successful; from there, success and enrichment become his choice (to some degree). Continue to love each other b/c he will grow out of this (even if it seems like food and sleep are all that matter). I try to remember that every.single.day b/c he drives me a little nutty every.single.day.

 

You're not drowning, just treading water, so just keep swimming and eventually, he'll get back on board! :grouphug:

[~blessedmom~]

Oh, you all have been so wonderful to offer your advice and experience!:grouphug:

 

I am so touched, and I honestly don't feel alone in this anymore. Your kindness to me speaks volumes about the kind of moms you all are! Part of my frustration is that I want to be a really good mom, too, and sometimes my own failures smack me in the face! ...and you are right, our children learn more from us than subjects in school.

 

I need to be more of a student of my children.....and take more time to pray...and then pray some more!:D

 

Thank you so very much for your words and thoughts, time and prayers!

[ticklbee]

I haven't been on these forums in quite some time and I just popped on tonight and saw the title of your post and said to myself "holy moly I could have written that!"

 

Your post describes "exactly" what I am going through with my soon to be 9th grade dd...

 

I have no answers for you as I'm still trying to figure it out myself...but I have tons and tons of sympathy for you!! It is not easy that's for sure.