Trusting God for your family size

[Impish]

Indeed...but as Mary was a virgin, it seems to qualify as an answer to asta's question if God can even overcome abstinence.

[junepep]

I've never felt our family was 'finished'. Be it by birth or adoption (or both!)

 

:iagree:

This is where we are. My DH had said firmly "no" to a question I'd posed about having more children and when he puts his foot down (which is rarely ;)) I do my best to conform to his will. But for several months afterward I railed against the proscription trying to find a way to come to unity on this subject.

 

Eventually, I was able to formulate a clear explanation of what was troubling me -- I explained that I didn't feel "done" and offered up the compromise of adoption or fostering. After talking (and talking and talking ;)) about it, I realized that his primary concern had been my safety (i've had two emergency c-sections) all along, not a belief that we were done with children in our lives or that he'd had "enough" - it was not now that he was saying, not not ever! I realize that at 38 not now sounds like not ever, but you might have another 10 years of fertility God willing.

 

I don't know whether or when we will adopt, foster, or whether my husband will ultimately decide that it's safe to try for a 3rd. But I am so content knowing that my husband's mind and heart can be relied upon to do what's best for us.

 

I did not communicate my desires or intent clearly and that led me to question things that I never should have. Perhaps it is because my husband is of a different faith that I push when I know that I shouldn't. I was led to him and I occasionally struggle with trusting that the path that he sets for us is the right one. Ultimately, I did not change his mind, and neither did God, his mind was always in the right place, it was mine that needed to be cleared and reminded of my place in our home.

 

I hope that you both find peace in his decision and that he is able to truly separate the earthly demands being made upon him from with will of God. :grouphug:

[Hedgehogs4]

I know there was a thread about this a while back but I can't seem to find it. This is such a personal decision that I don't want to start a debate as to whether or not this is "right". There are so many different opinions and each has its own merit for each family...whatever their specific beliefs are. I've been feeling convicted recently about our family size and how we "said" that we are done after having #7. While dh and I are both in agreement that we do NOT want to do anything permanent to prohibit any more children (i.e. vasectomy or tubal ligation), we were in agreement that we did not want any more...until recently. See, I KNOW that there are a million practical reasons why we should NOT have any more children (my struggle with depression, lack of "sufficient" income, feeling overwhelmed, we're almost out of diapers!, etc.) but I can't shake this feeling of conviction that we profess to trust God in EVERYTHING...except this. Why shouldn't we trust God for our family size, too? If He wanted us to have more children, we would. If not, He's close my womb. He did that numerous times in the Bible (i.e. Sarah, Elizabeth). Dh totally agrees that it is hypocritical to say we trust God when we really only trust Him for certain things. But he isn't ready to relinquish control in this area yet. He does NOT want more children. Yet he agrees that this is HIS will and not God's will. How do you get through something like this? I don't necessarily WANT more children, but I don't want to put MY will ahead of GOD'S will for us. I know that HIS will is perfect...mine is just selfish. I am 37...almost 38. I don't have many good childbearing years left. If God wants to bless us with another child or 2...I want what HE wants. How do I convince dh or do I? Is that God's job? All I know is that our current method of bc is unsettling to me and ANY form of bc is unsettling to me these days. WWYD? I'm feeling so upset about this today.

 

If your husband does not want more children, then you are first and foremost called to submit to him. Nagging him and trying to convict him of something he isn't ready to relinquish is not submitting. God may be speaking to you concerning your family size by your husband's decision not to have any more children.

 

I completely get your dilemma, because I have struggled with exactly the same issue and we only have two children, with five in heaven. after 7 pregnancies and two very tough births, my husband would not relent when i wanted another. Regardless of his reasons for not wanting to (what appeared to me) trust God in this area, I know that he is a Godly man and has been given the job of overseeing this family. I cannot say that God has not given him wisdom and discernment in this area for my own protection and for the protection of my children. When I came to the point of submitting to his decision, I was then at peace with the size of the family that I have.

 

I do trust God--that means I have to trust Him retroactively--that he ordained my marriage to my husband, knowing that he would make the decision he has made at this point in our lives. Also that he ordained the children that I have and if God REALLY means for us to have more, we will, regardless of what measures we have taken (we have all heard those stories). I commend you for not being willing to take permanent measures, but nagging and preaching at your husband is not the role of a Godly wife.

[5LittleMonkeys]

But this is more a matter of where my heart it with God.

I was here before my 5th. We were done having dc. We had not made it permanent but were using protection. I was completely against having more. Anytime someone asked if we were going to have another I became irritated at the very thought. I relished the idea of being done with babies. I keep reiterating to express how permanent the decision was in my mind.

 

I remember clearly the morning I woke up, stood up out of bed and promptly had to sit back down because of the overwhelming feeling that there was going to be another baby. I get goosebumps now even remembering that day. I tried to deny His will. I kept packing up baby stuff to donate and even moved my ds into a youth bed so we could get rid of the crib. I fretted and worried and questioned in my mind. I weighed the pros and cons, considered the impact and generally made myself miserable trying to "figure it out". I wouldn't listen to Him and for a few months I didn't talk to Him either. He was persistent though and after a while I decided I didn't like living without Him and gave over control to Him. I became quiet in my mind and heart and listened. I didn't fret about it, didn't discuss it with anyone else, I just completely let it go as an issue. The night 5th was conceived we used a condom and it broke (never have had that happen before). When we realized what had happened we both looked at each other and dh had this HUGE grin on his face. He said to me, "He told me there was going to be another one."

That pregnancy was extremely difficult and baby had to spend 10 days in NICU. The thought of having more after that terrified me but I stayed completely quiet and listened. 3 months later I was still listening but not getting a message. Hubby came to me out of the blue one day and said that we were done and he was going to schedule a vasectomy. I asked him if he was sure and he winked and said, "He is." The message had been for my dh alone that time and not for me. I felt completely at peace with that because I knew that if I had been meant to hear a message I would have.

 

Calm yourself, stop trying to "figure it out". Let go of the control you feel you need to have over this situation. Worry about controlling things that matter right now like your dc's education, the house staying clean, what your making for dinner. It seems that He has sent the message, but He didn't send it to you. You need to be okay with the fact that sometimes things in your life are out of your hands but that doesn't mean that they aren't in someone else's, someone else who has been charged with doing what is best for you. My husband always tells me, " You can't hear Him through all the fret and worry, not because he isn't talking but because you aren't really listening." He also says, "Blank minds make for wonderful conversations with God." :grouphug:

Edited May 4, 2010 by 5LittleMonkeys

[Jami]

In thinking through this decision for our family, we found John Piper's essay on the topic quite helpful.

 

http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Articles/ByDate/2006/1440_Does_the_Bible_permit_birth_control/

[rose_king]

"Blank minds make for wonderful conversations with God." :grouphug:

 

That is a power statement! I needed to hear that. Thanks

 

I don't have any answers for you, but I can say that you and your family will be in my prayers. All the best...

[InHisGrip]

In thinking through this decision for our family, we found John Piper's essay on the topic quite helpful.

 

http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Articles/ByDate/2006/1440_Does_the_Bible_permit_birth_control/

 

Thanks for posting. I also want to add that I wonder how many struggle with this issue because they fear not pleasing God. (I am NOT saying this about the OP - I don't know that to be true at all). I just think we get so wrapped up in still "working" our way to God's pleasure when, in fact, we've had it all along in Christ. We are completely and totally loved, acceptable and holy in God's sight because of Christ. Nothing we do or don't do takes away or adds to what God has already done for us.

[Sue G in PA]

Wow...so many great responses! I'm really not "fretting" about this. I'm sorry I gave you that idea. It has just been something that's been on my heart and mind recently (whereas it was NOT before) and wondered if this was God whispering to me. I'm not nagging dh. Certainly not. He has enough on his plate right now w/out me constantly bringing this to his attention. He does think about it and we talk about is regularly. It is usually dh that brings it up. It is funny, but we have 2 godchildren (I don't know if anyone remembers me talking about them years ago...their mother died of an OD and we were supposed to adopt them before the grandparents stepped in) and dh would take both of them in a heartbeat...still. So, the idea of MORE children isn't the issue. It's the idea of another BABY! I am a natural at the baby stage, whereas dh struggles. He is better with them when they are older and can play. He doesn't give himself enough credit...he is wonderful with the babies! :) Anyway, I feel certain that if we are to have more children, then we will. And if not, God will take away my desire.

[Guest janainaz]

I haven't read through all the replies yet. But I think that God gives us wisdom. I love the idea of having more kids, but in reality, we have what we can emotionally, financially, and physically handle. I want to do the best I can with what I have. I feel that taking on more kids would not benefit the ones that I have.

 

I believe that God is a loving Father, and as a loving mother to my own kids, I want them to make a decision that suits them and I desire to support that decision. I really don't believe that God has this agenda to have mothers keep having kids because he needs them to be born. Look at all the babies that have no family. Why then, would God will it that an overwhelmed, financially strapped, depressed child of his have MORE to take on? Surely, his love and compassion are greater than that. He is on OUR side. He is not a cruel father who seeks after his own way. I think that often humans mistake what must be God's will for their own human decisions.

 

I have some wonderful women in my life that really long to have a child. They are ready, their ducks are in a row, and they struggle with infertility. I guess you could say that God has willed them NOT to have children, and that he has willed drug addicts and 13 year old girls to have babies instead. God does work human error for good, and adoptions and infertiltity treatments happen, but I think he often intervenes after our decision or mistake has been made.

 

I do believe that God created my children. I believe they came straight from Him. I also believe that we have been given free will, and God wants us to listen to our hearts and choose the path that is right for us. When we are seeking to please him, to love him, he's always on our side - even in a decision to not have more kids. That does not mean a couple needs to go have surgeries to stop it from happening, but there are other avenues to take to back-up your choice. All in all, he loves us, even in our mistakes, and I do believe that we listen to our hearts, He's there to support, not condemn. Ultimately, he is for our good and not His own. Read what love is in Corinthians. If God says he is love, then all those traits would describe his loving character.

[InHisGrip]

I don't necessarily WANT more children, but I don't want to put MY will ahead of GOD'S will for us.

 

Anyway, I feel certain that if we are to have more children, then we will. And if not, God will take away my desire.

 

I'm sorry, Sue - my responses were more geared toward your original statement that you didn't necessarily want more children, but you didn't want to not trust God in that decision to limit your family. I think God will give you clarity on whether you really do want more children or if it's a matter of you feeling you aren't trusting God if you decide to take measures to stop having children (again, if God wants you to have more, He can make it happen despite what measure you use - which you know already, I'm sure! There's definitely rest in that). Just don't feel any false sense of guilt here, that would be my main point. The enemy is good at that. Rest in His abundant love for you.:001_smile:

[tonya in sc]

I would say, however, that God came up with abstinence as a birth control method. So I stand behind my original statement! ;)

 

tonya

[Sue G in PA]

Oh goodness...I don't feel any guilt! All responses have been so wonderful and thought provoking. Just love this board! I know that God will give me clarity and peace. In His timing. I would welcome another child, love another child, just as I love the 7 I have. But I would also feel content and at peace if we were not meant to have more. I am blessed. :)