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Talk me off the socialization ledge...


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So I just overheard ds talking to his 3 yr old brother, "I don't really have that many friends. Just X, Y, Z...." I didn't heard the whole conversation but asked him to come in here and asked him what he was talking about. I tried to make it sound like no big deal, just wondering. He said he was thinking about his birthday party (which will be in NOVEMBER) and that he didn't have that many friends. He looked at me kind of defiantly and said "It's true. I don't." Then he went back to play.

 

I feel like I've been punched in the chest. On one hand, I see that he isn't crying about this or even seeming that upset, more matter of fact. And he went right back to playing with his brother. I also know it is probably true compared to the numbers of friends he might have if he went to school away from home, and he knows that from the friends he has that do go to school.

 

Also, I know we homeschool for good reasons and that he's happy and thriving in a lot of ways. I guess it just hurts to think that he is denied anything because of a choice that I've made, even if I know it's not possible or even preferable to have the same exact experience as a kid in school. Does that make any sense?

 

I also know that I'm super-stressed from the fact that we're about to move and I have a 7 month old now which always seems to be some kind of hormonal low for me with each baby. So, I may (am) making a bigger deal over this overheard conversation than I need to.

 

Not sure what I'm looking for in posting. A virtual hug? A BTDT? A virtual kick in the pants to get over myself? Just an outlet so that my poor dh doesn't have to listen to my angst when he gets home. Maybe all of those.

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Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. My son is 11yrs and has said the exact same thing. He has 3 local friends that he's had for a long time-1 is in school, 2 are homeschooled. He sees the hs friends about 3x per month or so at park days or other hs events.

 

The other friend, not much since his parents are divorced and it's tough to schedule.

 

He does see other kids his age weekly at hs events or the park or karate, but they aren't good friends.

 

He left his best friend 2yrs ago when we moved and he comments often how much he misses him. they talk on the phone once in a while and send a letter now and then.

 

This is tough for me to see him missing friends. I'm not sure what to do. we live in the country and have no "neighborhood kids" around. We are active in the hs community but scheduling play dates with specific kids just doesn't seem to work out for some reason.

 

My DD has her Brownie troop every 2 wks and seems to have more girls to hang with at the park weekly. So it's not a big issue for her.

 

No advice, just that I understand what you're feeling.

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Mine said the same thing last year (at 6). I wonder if it is the age? He went on to say "I used to but now I do not" (insert knife in heart :tongue_smilie:) He went to kindergarten at school.

 

So-BTDT :grouphug:

 

We joined cub scouts and did a sport.

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Alice,

 

We have had some challenges finding friends for my oldest ds. There are a lot of kids in his age group in our homeschool support groups and church, but right now he basically has X, Y, and Z as his closest friends -- and that's okay.

 

We have sought to keep him active in karate and town soccer as a way to keep him "socialized" but this has been more of a concern of my dh than mine. I'm content with the "quality" friendships and so concerned about the "quantity."

 

Still, I would recommend telling your ds that you understand how he's feeling and talk about opportunities you can take advantage of as a family to make some more friends (playdates, pizza/movie parties (at your house of course ;), bowling w/homeschool friends?).

 

HTH!

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I've btdt, but it gets easier. You said *he* didn't seem overly upset by this. I think as a hs mom I have tended to be concerned and upset by the occassional lack of friends moreso than my kids. One thing I would encourage you with is to remember to look at the long term, and invest in quality not quantity. A class full of ps kids to invite to a party once a year does not equate to anything resembling true friendship. These kids will be reshuffled next year into different classes and have to make new "friends" all over again anyway. It can be extra work to seek out and maintain quality relationships as your kids grow, but it can be done. It just takes time. :grouphug:

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Oh, Sweetie, I can relate. Nature Girl has one really good friend, and several acquaintances. She's now a Girl Scout (in Barb's troop :D) and hangs with them once every two weeks. One girl invited her over--actually, her mom invited Nature Girl b/c her dd doesn't have any friends...:lol:

 

But let me tell you something--

 

She went to public school last year, for a whole year. You know Nature Girl a little. She's sweet, not weird, pretty kind, fairly outgoing but a little on the quiet side. A "nice" girl.

Not one kid ever befriended her to the point of asking her to a birthday party, a playdate, or whatever. Not one.

 

Public school doesn't equal friends all the time.

 

(BTW, pm me with where you are off to!)

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My friend's 12 yo is in PS and doesn't have many friends from school. His friends are primarily kids from MOMS Club and a few neighborhood kids. He's a nice boy. My 8yo adores him. But he doesn't 'click' with the kids in his class and therefore bemoans the fact that he doesn't have any friends from school.

 

Yes, PS kids have more exposure to other kids on a daily basis, but they are not necessarily exposed to people who would be friends, kwim?

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It may be an age thing. My dd used to lament that she had no friends and felt very lonely. However, she met one girl and they started calling each other on the phone. Then she started talking with a second girl whom she already knew, and then a boy, who used to be her nemesis but on second thought was a pretty nice kid. Now dd thinks she is quite the social butterfly! She doesn't get to see these kids all that much, perhaps one play date a week or a bit less. Her actual level of socialization didn't change all that much, but her attitude did.

 

IMO, the 6 - 9yo or so set seems particularly predisposed to thinking they are lonely and friendless.

 

I totally agree with the others that just because you have a classroom full of classmates to invite to a party so no one feels left out, that does not guarantee that you will be accepted or have friends. I have heard horror stories of 30 invitations out but no one showing up at all, or worse, several showing up and making no bones about the fact that they were only there for the goodie bags, which had better be good.:glare:

 

My response to dd when she was in her friendless funk was to discuss ways to be friendly and also that we would all have to pray asking God to send the right friends for her. Now, almost 12, she has a couple of female friends but the boy from before has slipped back into nemesis status. ("All he does is make video game noises with his voice, has to try to be better than me at everything, and takes pride in how well he can burp...!" I suspect they will be friends again within 6 months or so.)

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First, :grouphug::grouphug:. I am so sorry you felt so badly.

 

I have had a conversation with our children many times about friendships.

We talk about the difference between acquaintances and friends. Most people have a circle of people that they are friendly with or to and that is wonderful. In public school situations (and others) you can always pack a party with people you like to hang around with or that are friendly to you.

 

But true friends are a rare gift. And I have taught them that over the years when this type of conversation comes up. I would rather have one true friend to share my birthday with than a houseful of people I am friendly with. KWIM?

 

When they have said, like your son, they only have a few friends, your reaction could be joy rather than sadness that you have not provided for him. You can say, wow, that is wonderful, how blessed you are! And then talk about the difference with him. And help him nurture the friendships he does have.

 

I have had much joy with friendly acquaintances and will continue to as well. But in my whole life, I count myself blessed to have had a small handful of true friendships. This I am teaching my children.

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Aw, :grouphug:. I get it, mostly from dd (6.5). She went to preschool and had 15-30 (when the 2 classes did activities together) and thinks she has no one now. #1 She's very dramatic #2 She's comparing her social life to her brother's. He's 12, gets to come and go more, and happens to have more kids in the neighborhood his age. She has her group that she sees weekly and I'm not going to feel guilty about it.

 

The socialization issue is stressful for me. Not b/c I can't make it happen but because I'd rather stay home:tongue_smilie: My first 2 yrs. of homeschooling were spent partly trying to find a group, a niche, something for ds. I never found a good fit. Then a CC co-op started and it's been great ever since. Of course, my kids want to go and invite friends over more than they get to but at least they have options now.

 

I don't know where this idea of everyone having 30 best friends comes from but both of my kids have been through it. I know they aren't going to be weirdos or scarred b/c we don't have bday parties w/50 kids. I also explain to them, like another poster mentioned, just b/c other children go to school w/a ton of kids, doesn't mean that they are all friends. We see that w/their cousins.

 

It's okay to stress a little. We all do. When you get resettled, try and find an activity, group, etc. Good luck and :grouphug:. He'll be all right:) The upside is, my ds is a breath of fresh air to the ps kids in our neighborhood. He doesn't know who is in what click, who is "cool", who is not, nor does he care. He's a quirky kids and, after they got to know him;), appreciate that he has no desire to fit in or put on a persona to impress. It's a good thing:D

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I have a harder time "socializing" my son than I do my daughter:

She is more outgoing and interested in social than he (he's on the Asperger Spectrum)

We have a ton of females in the neighborhood but no boys. Our homeschool group is female heavy.

The parents of her friends are more likely to call me and request a playdate than the parents of his friends.

She is more likely to pester me to call to get a playdate than he is.

The parents of her friends are easier to work with in regards to playdate arrangements.

She likes doing extracurricular activities more than he (We've never really gotten a playdate from any extracurricular activity for either kid though -except co-op/church).

 

SO I have two extremes. My dd has so many friends, it's hard to give her a birthday party because the guest list could easily be 40-50 without reaching. My son, I have to reach to get to the 10 needed to have a party somewhere (and consider two of the 10 are my kids, and then usually 1 will end up being a friend for dd). He really only has 3 friends.

 

It's not due to homeschooling either. It was this way when we were in public school. It doesn't help that I don't particularly like children so I am not pro-active in arranging play dates.

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