Talk me off the socialization ledge...

[Alice]

So I just overheard ds talking to his 3 yr old brother, "I don't really have that many friends. Just X, Y, Z...." I didn't heard the whole conversation but asked him to come in here and asked him what he was talking about. I tried to make it sound like no big deal, just wondering. He said he was thinking about his birthday party (which will be in NOVEMBER) and that he didn't have that many friends. He looked at me kind of defiantly and said "It's true. I don't." Then he went back to play.

 

I feel like I've been punched in the chest. On one hand, I see that he isn't crying about this or even seeming that upset, more matter of fact. And he went right back to playing with his brother. I also know it is probably true compared to the numbers of friends he might have if he went to school away from home, and he knows that from the friends he has that do go to school.

 

Also, I know we homeschool for good reasons and that he's happy and thriving in a lot of ways. I guess it just hurts to think that he is denied anything because of a choice that I've made, even if I know it's not possible or even preferable to have the same exact experience as a kid in school. Does that make any sense?

 

I also know that I'm super-stressed from the fact that we're about to move and I have a 7 month old now which always seems to be some kind of hormonal low for me with each baby. So, I may (am) making a bigger deal over this overheard conversation than I need to.

 

Not sure what I'm looking for in posting. A virtual hug? A BTDT? A virtual kick in the pants to get over myself? Just an outlet so that my poor dh doesn't have to listen to my angst when he gets home. Maybe all of those.

[micandme]

(((((Hug!))))) Sounds like he DOES have friends, just not many. :) Better a few good friends than a bunch of fair weather friends. If he's in Sunday school or a sports team or a homeschool group or something like that, he has opportunities to have friends. Sometimes I worry about the same things with my kids, but then I think they have their family in ways many children don't. As I remind them... your friends come and go, but your family, you have with you all the time.

[NanceXToo]

You could probably plan a pretty fun birthday event for "just X, Y, Z" lol. Or if he gets involved in a sport or boy scouts or 4H or any sort of club/activity like that where he could bring in invites, that might make him feel better about things.

 

My daughter's 9th birthday was a little weird for her because it was her first birthday NOT being in public school, where she wasn't bringing in invitations to all the girls in her class. But we took her on a really special outing and she had a great time and didn't mind at all. But I think birthday party time is when this kind of thing might be most noticeable to a kid.

 

If he doesn't otherwise seem distraught, I wouldn't worry about it or stress over it too much. It's not like all the kids are nice in public school or like they are even allowed to socialize much anyway (when my daughter was in public school, even from Kindergarten on, she was losing her recess all the time if she talked in the classroom when she wasn't supposed to, and they had to sit through "silent lunches" and there were very few girls from school that she EVER got together with outside of school anyway).

[FO4UR]

btdt:grouphug:

 

We moved in Oct, and ds7's b-day is in Jan. We went from an appt complex with several other HSers around, and attending a large active church to living in a house, a new community in the SNOW (meaning stuck INSIDE), and a tiny church where our dc are just about it for the children's program. We went through a rough patch. We got through it, and have since made some nice friends.

[fairfarmhand]

How many of your multiple friends you went to school with do you keep up with now?

 

I'd venture to say, very few. I really have only a few friends, with many, many acquaintances thrown in for good measure.

 

At this age, it shouldn't be that big a deal. And the parties you can plan for 4 children should be much more fun than those for a passel of children.

[Jean in Newcastle]

My ds felt much better when he did an informal survey of the neighborhood kids. He found that all of the kids only had a few friends, too. Sure, they had lots of school acquaintances (and perhaps that matters more at age 6) but these kids were very aware that they weren't really friends.

[chiguirre]

My ds felt much better when he did an informal survey of the neighborhood kids. He found that all of the kids only had a few friends, too. Sure, they had lots of school acquaintances (and perhaps that matters more at age 6) but these kids were very aware that they weren't really friends.

 

:iagree: There's a big difference between friends and birthday party invitees. If you want to do a bigger party (not just X, Y, Z) you can send invitations to any group class or activity your ds participates in. You can even bring them to a hs park day. Just print out generic invitations without the invitee's name on them.

[Leanna Tomlinson]

 

I also know that I'm super-stressed from the fact that we're about to move and I have a 7 month old now which always seems to be some kind of hormonal low for me with each baby.

 

 

I think everyone has said the right things about socialization. I just want to confirm for you that 7-8 months post-partum was always a hormonal low for me too. I always felt like my body was fighting against itself and my emotions were in the crossfire. :grouphug:

[Sebastian (a lady)]

My kids don't have a large quantity of friends, even though they are involved in lots of activities. I actually think that it is normal to have tiers of relationships from acquaintances that you're happy to see but don't relate to outside of an activity to the person that you stay friends with for years and years.

 

Our family hasn't been big on birthday parties involving non-family members. My oldest son actually chose not to have party this year, having concluded that if he invited the guys that he knew to an outing, that most would be coming for the outing rather than to enjoy his company.

 

If you don't have many little boys in the neighborhood, then your son might enjoy something like a sport or scouts. But I don't think having just 3 friends is a crisis.

[Alice]

I think everyone has said the right things about socialization. I just want to confirm for you that 7-8 months post-partum was always a hormonal low for me too. I always felt like my body was fighting against itself and my emotions were in the crossfire. :grouphug:

 

Thanks, that's helpful to hear I'm not the only one. I know that's a big part of everything right now, it's just always a tough time for me.

 

Thanks everyone else for the thoughts. I know it isn't a "crisis" and I think ds isn't all that upset. I'm not really worried about his birthday party either since it's in November. Who knows what will happen or be going on by then. It was more just that my mother's heart hurt for him, even if he wasn't hurting all that much.

[Brigitte]

I went to public and private schools and had about 2 close friends at any given time. Sure, I knew a lot of kids, but only had a few friends. When you look at these huge birthday parties, how many of the kids are really friends and how many are just class mates/team mates etc.? I am willing to bet that having a couple of good friends is the norm.

[Sweetpeach]

Gently offer this thought . . . we've made celebrating our children's birthday parties a family affair, first and foremost. As parents, we want our children to be celebrated but I feel like that's primarily a family domain.

 

I've been in situations when I've felt very pressured to have my children to attend a child's birthday party; it seemed like the child would have been seriously discouraged if he hadn't had a roomful of kids to celebrate him.

 

Like some o/p's have mentioned, maybe start laying a foundation now that having friends isn't about having people at a birthday party. We're always telling our children that special friendship connections are sacred and sometimes we have to wait a bit longer than we'd like but the wait is well worth it.

 

Sometimes, it's just a matter of teaching a different perspective on friendship and helping our kids accept that having a couple of true friends is better than a roomful of acquaintances.

 

Warmly, Tricia

[Alicia64]

:grouphug:

 

I'll give you a hug!! This would have upset me too. Having just moved, I agree w/ the person who said better a few good friends then a ton of friends existing at a more superficial level.

 

My boys have made a few good friend where we are now and I think it works better then the dozens of friends we had before.

 

Where are you moving to?

 

Alley

[LauraQ]

When elem. age kids have birthday parties, especially in the early years, it is customary to invite all the kids in the class for the party. Sometimes, parents actually have to convince their kids to do this, including the kids they don't like, so they don't hurt feelings. Even when older and allowed to pick who to invite, elem. age kids often come up with shorter invite lists that parents then expand in order to invite "friends" that the child is only temporarily fallen-out with, or to include children they want to encourage or not hurt. Even children who go to school often only have 2-5 real friends (really just play buddies at that age) anyway, and often only have 1-3 kids they play with on a regular basis. The rest of those kids are just classmates, not really friends. I noticed this was true for my dd in K & 1st at private school. It wasn't even that she didn't like the other kids in her class, and she did play with them some, but really there were just 3 kids she *ever* wanted to hang out with outside of school. The rest were just casual play buddies who conveniently were in her class.

 

Dd is homeschooled and is in 8th grade. Her best friend lives down the street and goes to the local public school and is also in 8th grade. That friend has 4 friends she hangs out with regularly and that she'd call real friends (one of those is my daughter, her best friend). My dd has really 3 friends she calls real friends and hangs out with often: her best friend, another girl she met through her, and a family friends' daughter who is about her age that we spend time with regularly. The way I see it, there's not a huge difference in how many friends she has now vs. when she was in school, or between how many friends she & her public school friends have.

 

One time of struggle we've had has been for ds who had 2 good friends here in the neighborhood, but one moved away (his best friend) and another rarely spends time with him now. For a while he was quite lonely (he had other friends, but none close by enough for frequent play, and mostly ones he only hung out with rarely) but since then has made 2 new friends. I've noticed he really has no desire to make friends with more than 2 other kids at a time--to him, that is a full cup of friends, running over. Your son might be matter-of-fact about it because he feels the same way--that 4 friends is plenty!

 

Another rough time was when dd was younger, there were lots of boys in the neighborhood, but no girls. She was in girl scouts, had friends there she saw weekly at meetings, and also a couple she hung out with extra, but that was it. She was sad when we dropped girl scouts and for a whole 6 months (before we moved) she had no girl friends at all to play with after her ex-girl-scout friendships fizzled due to schedules not meshing for play dates. She has since fully recovered, and can't even remember that feeling of loneliness, and can't imagine why she'd be bothered by only having boys to play with since she was such a tomboy anyway ;-) I fretted during those two short periods, but my kids survived. And this is all in addition to regular (at least every 2 weeks to monthly) homeschool group park days and other activities, and to seeing other kids at church!

 

All that to say, don't sweat it!

[jazzyfizzle]

(((((Hug!))))) Sounds like he DOES have friends, just not many. :) Better a few good friends than a bunch of fair weather friends. If he's in Sunday school or a sports team or a homeschool group or something like that, he has opportunities to have friends. Sometimes I worry about the same things with my kids, but then I think they have their family in ways many children don't. As I remind them... your friends come and go, but your family, you have with you all the time.

 

 

:iagree:

 

 

I understand your situation exactly. We have the same scenario, we do not know that many other homeschool families (and those have their church groups) and live in a very rural area. Birthday parties and the number of attendies have also been a thought of mine (mostly when youngest son said he wanted to have a skating party after attending one). It looks like our skating party- if we do that- will be the extended family and a few friends.

Here is a :grouphug: I just wanted to let you know that I have felt the same emotion.

[Colleen in NS]

So I just overheard ds talking to his 3 yr old brother, "I don't really have that many friends. Just X, Y, Z...."

 

He looked at me kind of defiantly and said "It's true. I don't." Then he went back to play.

 

I guess it just hurts to think that he is denied anything because of a choice that I've made,

 

It was more just that my mother's heart hurt for him, even if he wasn't hurting all that much.

 

I think mother's guilt goes with the territory. There'll be p.s. mothers who feel guilty about something else that we don't even think about.

 

:grouphug: Your kids will be denied many things throughout their childhood because of choices you make - but they will live, because you will make the best decisions you can each time. And they will be *given* many things during their childhood, because of choices you make. We mamas are creative, and wherever we can say "yes" with a clear conscience, we do. Hang in there! If it's not bothering him, go have a private cry in the bathroom until your hormones regulate again. If it truly is bothering him, point out the good things about your family-at-home situation. It's a good skill to be able to find the positive in a situation.

[Melissa in Australia]

When my children were at school, 2 of them had no friends, and one had lots of friends. Going to school doesn't guarantee friends.

[Lizzie in Ma]

First, . I am so sorry you felt so badly.

 

I have had a conversation with our children many times about friendships.

We talk about the difference between acquaintances and friends. Most people have a circle of people that they are friendly with or to and that is wonderful. In public school situations (and others) you can always pack a party with people you like to hang around with or that are friendly to you.

 

But true friends are a rare gift. And I have taught them that over the years when this type of conversation comes up. I would rather have one true friend to share my birthday with than a houseful of people I am friendly with. KWIM?

 

When they have said, like your son, they only have a few friends, your reaction could be joy rather than sadness that you have not provided for him. You can say, wow, that is wonderful, how blessed you are! And then talk about the difference with him. And help him nurture the friendships he does have.

 

I have had much joy with friendly acquaintances and will continue to as well. But in my whole life, I count myself blessed to have had a small handful of true friendships. This I am teaching my children.

[daisychics]

I was just telling dh that I'm so glad I'm reading Hold On to Your Kids. It made me realize that it's okay my kiddos do not have many friends. You don't want them to be peer-oriented right now - they need you. Read the chapter 14 Collecting Your Children. I can't say enough good things about the book.

***disclaimer: my kids do have friends (dd-has 3 friends that she's grown up with/ ds has 3 that he's grown up with too) and we do have playdates but I'm not feeling guilty anymore - I know that it's okay if we don't.

Edited April 30, 2010 by daisychics

[Alice]

I think mother's guilt goes with the territory. There'll be p.s. mothers who feel guilty about something else that we don't even think about.

 

:grouphug: Your kids will be denied many things throughout their childhood because of choices you make - but they will live, because you will make the best decisions you can each time. And they will be *given* many things during their childhood, because of choices you make. We mamas are creative, and wherever we can say "yes" with a clear conscience, we do. Hang in there! If it's not bothering him, go have a private cry in the bathroom until your hormones regulate again. If it truly is bothering him, point out the good things about your family-at-home situation. It's a good skill to be able to find the positive in a situation.

 

Thanks to everyone for the hugs and advice. I think Colleen hit the nail on the head, it's that darn mother's guilt. You are right that I'd probably feel guilty if he was in school about something else, or I'd worry about the kids excluding him or bullying him or something.

 

I think you got it about right with the rec. for a private cry in the bathroom too. ;) It was just one of those days yesterday and had I overheard his conversation on a different day I'd probably have had a different perspective.

 

Anyway, I do appreciate everyone who took the time to respond. It's good to have a place to vent a little.

[Colleen in NS]

I'm so glad I'm reading Hold On to Your Kids. It made me realize that it's okay my kiddos do not have many friends. You don't want them to be peer-oriented right now - they need you. Read the chapter 14 Collecting Your Children. I can't say enough good things about the book.

 

Oh yes! This is a *really* good book for this kind of thing! Really, really, really good book. :D It gave me courage when I was wilting about "socialization" issues.

[vonfirmath]

If it helps? I went to public school and only had about 3 friends at a time that were close enough to even think about inviting to a party.