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What do you think about destination weddings?


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My sister and her boyfriend will likely get married in the next couple of year. They talk about weddings occasionally and they like the idea of doing a wedding at an all inclusive resort in Mexico.

 

Their perspective is that it's much cheaper, it would be fun, and they'd already be at their honeymoon destination.

 

My perspective is that it's a big inconvenience, it makes their wedding *very* expensive for me to attend (we have 4 kids), and if I wanted to take my kids on a vacation somewhere it wouldn't be Mexico. I really don't like the idea of a forced vacation - someone else choosing the time and the place for my family to go and spend thousands of dollars. I'd rather take my kids to Europe if we're going to spend that much money on a vacation.

 

I think they're being selfish. Her boyfriend doesn't want to have an inexpensive wedding in town because they have been to a ton of very high end weddings and they'd be embarressed to have a less expensive one.

 

I've actually told my sister that I won't go if they get married in Mexico - we're very close and she wants me to be the Maid of Honour. This isn't an issue that has come to a head yet because bf hasn't proposed yet, but it likely will be something I'll have to deal with in the next year or so (they live together, have a baby and intend on getting married at some point).

 

So, are destination weddings selfish? Is it just a way to get your guests to share the burden of the cost of a wedding? Or am I being selfish in saying I wouldn't want to go and bring my family to Mexico (and spend thousands of dollars doing it) for my sister's wedding?

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Are they planning on paying your room and board? I think that when people do this kind of thing it is usually a smaller group and not meant to be some huge fancy event. Most of the places in Mexico that do this are located at a beach resort too and very touristy, so I wouldn't want that to be my vacation either.

 

Danielle

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I've never thought of the word "selfish" in regards to destination weddings, but.....I can' go, either.

 

My niece is getting married on my oldest dd's birthday this year in Mexico. We can't go. I've already told my brother. I didn't even DISCUSS it with dh, but instead told him after the fact that I had declined for us. We have certain money goals and a destination wedding just isn't part of our plans.

 

I undertand your frustration and feel the same way about it: If we were going to go on an expensive vacation...it wouldn't be to Mexico!

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If my best friend in the whole world came up to me and said she was having a destination wedding in another country and would I come, I'd say no. The expense for me would be prohibitive. I think those who want such weddings should go into it with the full knowledge that not everyone in the world views their wedding and it's destination as a must-attend event.

 

If it were me, and I wanted something like this, I'd tell everyone who I wanted there the plans, the prices, the dates, all details and let them decide if they could afford it and want to spend some time at that destination. For those who can't swing it, I'd have a huge bbq bash when I got back, sort of a reception type event to celebrate with all my friends.

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I think a lot of people who are already living together and/or have kids together prefer destination weddings because they don't feel like a traditional church wedding is appropriate for them. I don't think it makes them selfish for going with their own preferences for their wedding. At the same time, they should be neither surprised nor offended if spending money on travel isn't a top priority for a lot of people at the moment.

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If the couple expects people to attend then yes, it's selfish to hold it in some far off location.

 

If the couple still expects the wedding to be a social occasion for family and friends then it should be held close to home. If they want it a private ceremony then they can have it where ever they want.

 

My sister got married in Vegas, and my folks expected me to come. I had 4 kids, my husband could not get off and I had no one who could watch them. I also would have had to bring a nursing toddler. It was not doable. I don't think my sister cared that much. She knew it would be hard, but her husband really wanted a Vegas wedding, so she went with that. I was a little hurt, but I understood. My parents, however, did not understand. They were both disappointed at me for not making it work and frustrated with my sister for making it so hard.

 

But years later, it doesn't really matter. :001_smile: Everyone lived happily ever after.

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I don't think destination weddings are selfish, but I do think the couple must be understanding if family/friends decline to attend. Most folks I know who plan them these days do a casual party or reception to celebrate when they return.

 

As an aside, a destination wedding did ruin a close friendship of mine several years back. My former college roommate planned a Vegas wedding for fall of 2001. I originally planned to attend, but backed out after becoming pregnant during the previous summer and due to 9/11. Although I gave ample explanation and notice, she never spoke to me again. She also sent my wedding gift back to me unopened! Many did back out due to not wanting to fly that fall. I know that she felt we all ruined her wedding, but she ended up losing many friends over it all.

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Having had a destination wedding myself, I can tell you that they are not inexpensive as many people seem to believe. My husband and I chose a destination wedding because it is what we invisioned for us. I guess one could consider it selfish, but it was OUR day. Honestly the only people taken into consideration were our parents. I am a private person and purposely made the choice knowing that only our closest family would be there. We also only invited family NO EXCEPTIONS. I believe everyone makes "selfish" choices when they get married. I'm sure you didn't take a vote on for ex. where you got married, who would cater the event, or what band would play.

 

I also believe that people use the excuse of it being a destination wedding to avoid attending for whatever reason. My brother and I got married approximately one year apart. He had his wedding where he lived, mine was in Jamaica. Only my immediate family attended my wedding no aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents... all of them attended my brothers. They still had to fly and get a hotel at my brother wedding so what was the difference?

 

Would you attend your sisters wedding if she lived across the country? I understanding not wanting to travel to certain places. Try to support your sister if at all possible, planning a wedding is hard enough.

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What do I think of destination weddings?

 

I think that used to be called eloping.

 

I think people should feel free to get married wherever they want. But when the standard expectations apply to a bridal party far from home... I think that is pretty selfish. Even if someone pays a guest's expenses, there is still the need to use vacation time.

 

Mrs Mungo has a good point. I wonder whether people think much about the reason for a wedding ceremony. Used to be it was a public sign before God and many witnesses that one was committing to a covenant relationship. I think so much these days depends on one's view of the purpose behind what they are doing, and how that purpose is satisfied by the ceremony ( or lack thereof).

 

My last thought on this is really a question. Why oh why would anyone want to take all their guests along on their honeymoon? I suppose that has changed, too, with so many couples knowing each other intimately well ahead of the wedding. Used to be the bride did't even know sometimes until her new husband swept her away to some romantic destination. I'm not really advocating that, I'm just saying things have changed.

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I think about it as pretty selfish. I would assume that the bride and groom didn't care much about whether other people were there or not, and in that case, they might as well just elope and call it done.

 

With that said, if a family member did this, I'd try very hard *not* to think of them as super-selfish, and I'd smile and wish them well (but I wouldn't be going). :sad:

 

ETA: My apologies to anyone who did this and might be offended by what I think about it. I'm not calling *you* selfish at all, just saying that I think about the situation as selfish in general...

Edited by Julie in CA
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I think that one very practical reason for destination weddings is to simply keep the guest count very low. I hate to say it, but many brides and grooms face dealing with dysfunctional family members if they don't. Plus, if there is an overbearing mother or mother in law involved, it keeps Mrs. (living vicariously through you) out of the decision making process since these things tend to be planned through wedding coordinator far from home. We've had friends that were able to avoid having alcoholic, party crashing relatives from attending their wedding this way. If they had hosted their wedding anywhere within a reasonably priced traveling distance, there would have been trouble that would probably have required the hiring of either a professional bouncer (UGH!) or the calling of police to the reception. Not great!

 

I also have another friend who really does not do well in crowds at all. She married a man from an absolutely huge family and his mother insisted that they have a huge wedding, blah, blah, blah....they caved to make peace and dear friend had a panic attack at her own wedding from the intensity of all the family drauma on top of the fact that already does not do well in crowded, noisy places.

 

I know that it would be upsetting to not attend your sister's wedding but this might just simply be the best option for them in order to have a small, intimate wedding with no major emotional dramas. Sis could be dealing with something on B.F.'s side of the family that isn't so pleasant.

 

If she is willing to pay your expenses, could you go just for the weekend? An early morning flight on Friday, get there in time for a quick rehearsal run-through if needed, stay over Saturday, and fly home Sunday?

 

Faith

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Would you attend your sisters wedding if she lived across the country? I understanding not wanting to travel to certain places. Try to support your sister if at all possible, planning a wedding is hard enough.

 

I think this is a key point - I flew 3000 miles for my sister's wedding and she did the same for mine. Ironically, we both had small children to travel with, and it was expensive. I didn't have to go, but I wanted to. I declined being in the wedding because of the added expense. But my girls were in it.

 

Selfish or not really doesn't matter. Their motives may be wrong, but it's their day.

 

If I couldn't afford to go or didn't want to, I would simply skip it.

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I had one. We called it eloping. Seriously ...

 

My husband's family lived in one state, my family in another, and we lived in a third state. My extended family is huge. His family is tiny. No matter what we did, someone would have been unhappy. So we pleased ourselves. We decided where we would like to go on our honeymoon. We researched getting married there and decided it would be the best option for us. We told our families where and when we would be getting married and that they were NOT invited.

 

It was great. The officiating minister supplied two witnesses. We sent wedding announcements rather than invitations. We did not go into debt. Our parents forgave us. My mother thanked me after my sister's traditional wedding.

 

I have several friends who had destination weddings. Some asked friends if they would like to attend. They did not expect many people to say yes. They paid for their parents and grandparents to attend. Others did as we did and sent photos and announcements after the fact.

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In my religious tradition, an attitude that doesn't take other people into account is selfish no matter what day it is. I"m concerned the trend for a wedding to be a day that focuses totally on what the bride (maybe the groom) wants, dreamed about, etc. no matter what the cost, who is excluded, etc. It's a gateway to consumerism and to relationship rifts. Additionally, in my religious tradition, a wedding is seen as a spiritual event and includes the community under normal circumstances; it's purpose is not to showcase the bride. So under those circumstances, if a bride asked me my opinion beforehand, that's what I'd say.

 

But you're not the bride; you're the sister. As a sister, I know the temptation to say, "You're being selfish." But not being the sister in question right now, I can more easily say that whether she is being selfish or not is not your business. What is your business is how you can respond.

 

I would tell her that you'd be delighted to be her matron of honor, but if it involves plane fare, that only you can go because you can't afford your dh and kids to go. Then let it be her choice. Please go with a willingness to sacrifice what you would want (your dh and kids to be there) and be as good of a matron of honor as you can

be and bless your time together. No complaining after you've let her know your family can't come. Don't get your drawers in a wad over this, even though you're sad about the consequences and even though you think she's being selfish. It's not worth the longterm damage to the relationship.

Edited by Laurie4b
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Generally speaking there is a generational shift going on here. It's very difficult for people who grew up thinking that a wedding was for family and friends to share and show their support to a our special day outlook. I flew 3000 miles to my ds's wedding with my dh and dd age 1. We stayed with my mom. That was very different than flying to a resort far away. The bride and groom can plan whatever they want but it's hard to have to say you cannot attend.

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ITA with the others. It's not selfish, persay, but they shouldn't demand that you come or be angry if you decline. if they do behave that way, they should either offer to pay at least a portion of your way, or be prepared to accept the 'selfish' label. ;)

 

 

:iagree:

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I think it is somewhat selfish. If you want to get married somewhere else, go for it, but elope for heaven's sake. Don't try to coerce everyone into dragging themselves down there with you. I think it makes a subtle statement that the location is more important to the couple than the family and friends.

 

I've always declined weddings that seem to just expect too much. I did travel to a cousin's home town in TN for her wedding, but I declined her brother's destination wedding at the Gulf of Mexico in Alabama because there was NO way we could afford to fly, and I had no reason, other than watching a 30 min. ceremony to drive that distance. It would have been a miserable experience.

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I wouldn't look at it as selfish, just as what the couple want for their wedding. They must realize that their decision for a destination wedding would mean that many people who would like to attend will not be able to attend. That is their decision and they are the ones who need to live with the consequences. They are the ones getting married, so let them have the ceremony wherever they want it, as long as they realize that friends and family may not be able to attend.

 

If it was my sister, I would do my best to attend - by myself. If it is cost prohibitive to take the entire family, then I would make that clear to her, but let her know that I would do my best to go because she is my sister. If there is an offer to pay part of the cost for the family to attend, then I might evaluate whether that change would make it possible for my entire family to attend. I would do whatever I could to attend, though. She will be a sister for the rest of your life. Go for a couple days. Arrive the day before the ceremony to get settled and see your sister, be there for the ceremony and reception, then leave the next day.

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What I always think about weddings:

 

 

It's their wedding.

 

 

 

If you can go and celebrate with them, great! If you really can't go and celebrate, then explain that to them, wish them well, and give a nice gift. Just always remember: It's their wedding. My two cents.

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Sure, its their wedding. On the other hand, as a mother who spent many years raising my son, I want to be at his wedding.

 

My soon-to-be daughter-in-law thought it would be a great idea to get married in Tuscany. I have four kids at home who also would not get to go, nor their college student brother. I honestly think she wasn't thinking about our situation, as her family lives all over the world and it wouldn't be a problem for them.

 

Thankfully, my son let her know that he wanted his family at his wedding and plans changed.

 

I'm all for it being "their day" and realize they can get married anywhere they choose. I also think it would be selfish to get married somewhere that would prohibit their family from being there.

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Thankfully, my son let her know that he wanted his family at his wedding and plans changed.

 

But, see? That's the key -- your son worked it out so they did NOT plan a Tuscany wedding. He brought her back down to earth, so to speak, and injected his values into the wedding planning. So there's not a problem, fortunately.

 

But what if they had both valued the same thing -- a Tuscany wedding -- more than including family? What if they had both agreed to it, and both really wanted it, then what could you do? Even though he is your son (and you DO deserve to be considered and included!), if he had voted in favor of his fiance, what could you do? Because if they both really wanted it, fully knowing what it would mean for parents and siblings, then their decision would speak volumes about what they want for their wedding... I mean, if you KNOW your in-laws can't come to Tuscany, but you STILL plan to have your wedding in Tuscany, what does that say?

 

Do you see what I mean? It's not exactly subtle, though, is it? :glare:

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Sure, its their wedding. On the other hand, as a mother who spent many years raising my son, I want to be at his wedding.

 

My soon-to-be daughter-in-law thought it would be a great idea to get married in Tuscany. I have four kids at home who also would not get to go, nor their college student brother. I honestly think she wasn't thinking about our situation, as her family lives all over the world and it wouldn't be a problem for them.

 

Thankfully, my son let her know that he wanted his family at his wedding and plans changed.

 

I'm all for it being "their day" and realize they can get married anywhere they choose. I also think it would be selfish to get married somewhere that would prohibit their family from being there.

 

A young couple just starting out in life might have all kinds of ideas. She had an idea that she might like to be married in Tuscany but your son felt differently, due to his own family's situation. That is very different than an older couple who have lived together for years and have kids. Many people in the latter category just want to get married with as little fuss and/or drama as possible.

 

eta: I know one couple who lived together, he is older and had been married before. She finally asked "what will it take for you to actually marry me?" He said, "no wedding." So, they eloped and sent announcements after the fact.

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I don't know what your sister is thinking and I don't know what her priorities and values are, but for some brides, this is a calculated choice.

 

I think people who do destination weddings are often hoping that a lot of the people who they feel the "have to" invite won't actually come - everyone's children, all their husband's fraternity brothers, the numerous cousins and their families. Some brides really don't want children at weddings - even close family member's children. Having a wedding in Mexico makes it so much more expensive to attend, so they are thinking that they can fulfill the social obligation of inviting people without the risk that those people will come. They only want a small group of people there, the people who are closest to them - and they figure that a destination wedding will be limiting as to who will attend.

 

Maybe your sister would actually be happy to have you come by yourself to the wedding or to have you and your DH go and leave the kids with someone. Or maybe not. But I think a lot of brides are thinking that way.

 

I don't think it's "selfish" to run off the the justice of the peace and get married with no family, so I don't really think it's selfish to get married in Mexico even if that means some family won't be there. I do think that it's unrealistic to expect everyone to make the trip though.

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I'm going to try and combine responses here.

 

First, I would either have to bring my 4 kids or not go as dh's work is unpredictable and he often has to leave town. We don't have any family in town to look after them.

 

Secondly, we actually have a pretty normal family. We enjoy each other's company and spend a week in the summer and a week at Christmas together - this includes my mom and dad who have been divorced for over 25 years. Sister's eventual in-laws are apparently very nice and inclusive (my mom has joined them for a few different meals and events now and she thinks they're great). All siblings in that family are nice and normal and get along well.

 

Sister and boyfriend have a huge network of friends. They would want hundreds at their wedding. They don't want to pay for a big, elaborate wedding, but they want to be able to invite all of those people and have them attend if they can. Apparently even my sister's hairdresser has said she would be thrilled to come when they set a date. They will want as many of their friends and family there as possible and it the cost won't matter anymore because it will be at an all inclusive resort. Which actually means that they're asking their guests to pay their own way for the wedding. Which is the part that bugs me.

 

I'm trying to convince her that they can do a beautiful, but simple and affordable, wedding at home. They're worried about not measuring up to the weddings they've been attending lately. If it was their sincere dream to get married on the beach in Mexico I might feel differently, but it's their sincere dream to have an impressive wedding for a cheaply as possible.

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Of course I also think that people who are living together and have a child should just go down to city hall and get the legalities taken care of for goodness sake, but that is a whole other issue.

 

:lol: You and me both. I'm just relieved they're even talking about marriage now. I think he's scared of my sister's vision of the perfect wedding. Seriously, she'd probably want about 12 bridesmaids and she'd have a huge guest list. I can understand the thinking behind Mexico - it wouldn't matter how many guests came because it wouldn't cost them anything extra per guest. It would be like one giant, free party (which they would love).

 

I just don't want to go or to sink that much money into a Mexican vacation.

 

Thankfully, they're still far away from actually setting anything in stone and I am hoping that they will both figure out that a showy wedding isn't the most important thing in the world. I keep telling her about one of my best friends. He and his girlfriend were expecting a baby. They got engaged and began looking at weddings. Then on her birthday he asked if she wanted to get married that day! They went down to city hall with his parents and got married :) I thought it was sweet. My sister wasn't very impressed.

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I tend to think they're kind of selfish. But, I don't think that a wedding is only about the couple either. When you invite people to your wedding, imo, you are asking them to not only celebrate this momentous day, but you are also asking your friends, relatives and what-have-you to support you, to keep you accountable to your marriage vows. So, a wedding is also about the people in your life and your place in that network of friends and relatives. When we got married, I tried to make my wedding as convenient as possible - time-wise, place-wise, everything. It was a beautiful wedding and everything I wanted, but it was also about the people in our lives who my husband and I loved and that was what made it important and special.

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They could do a mid afternoon wedding with tea at the reception, with rented beautiful china and real silver silverware and silver platters. Different, so not to be directly compared with a standard wedding. Spend a bit on china and tea food is inexpensive and expensive alcohol is not expected or appropriate.

 

Or, they could throw a big softball or volleyball bash (or whatever they and their friends like) with fun inexpensive picnic food for the reception.

 

They could plan something fun and inexpensive if they are willing to think outside the box!

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Of course I also think that people who are living together and have a child should just go down to city hall and get the legalities taken care of for goodness sake, but that is a whole other issue.

 

:lol: You and me both.

 

Then, just think of a destination wedding as a prettier version of city hall. :D

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The couple had everything they needed, and the relationship had been secret for quite awhile before we knew about it. They chose a very expensive, non-family oriented destination.

 

One brother went because he could easily fly there early that day and be home late that night, but his family didn't go and there were no other relatives.

 

We figured that if they truly wanted us there, they would have chose differently. Instead they chose what they wanted as a couple. Yup, just like eloping or going to city hall/Las Vegas/etc.

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A really good friend of mine did not attend my entire wedding and reception because her live in boyfriend's daughters had plane tickets at the same time to return to their mother. I think they were at the church (it was on the way to the airport) for part of the ceremony but I did not see them. It would have cost them $70 to change the tickets so that they could attend the entire wedding (the stepdds would have been welcome.)

 

The following year, she and her boyfriend got married in Puerto Rico. It wasn't totally a destination wedding, because she has close family that lives there. My husband and I were invited and I was thinking about going, until I remembered that she wasn't willing to spend $70 to come to my wedding. That kind of killed the idea of spending $1000 to go to hers! :lol:

 

Of course, today I wish I had gone even though I didn't really have the money, because since then I have taught Spanish and then I would have actually been to a Spanish speaking place! She understood and sent me a bunch of pictures from the wedding. We're still friends.

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Well it sounds like in this case, they're doing it this way so that everyone else will pay for their wedding, so they don't have to. And yeah, that crosses the line into selfish. I don't think that ALL destination weddings are selfish, but having one to trap other people into paying for the wedding isn't what's going on most of the time.

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My personal view of a wedding is that it is the ratification of a covenant between God, the husband and the wife and it is to be officiated by a spiritual authority and supported by the church. A destination wedding doesn't fit that definition. So, for me, it isn't something I would do.

 

Selfish? I guess it depends on the expectations that go along with it. I do agree with the PP that said it makes a subtle statement that the location is more important than the people involved. I don't think there's anything wrong with asking people to drive a few hours. But flying somewhere? You just can't expect people to be able to come, unless you're willing to pay their airfare and lodging and be sensitive to any scheduling conflicts. You can always take a honeymoon there if you really enjoy the area.

 

I think their reason for the destination wedding (not being able to keep up with the high-end wedding standard) is silly--the most beautiful weddings I've been to had simple venues, minimal flowers and often dessert or hors d'oerves receptions. At some point their friends will notice the financial discrepancy, and if they're friends it won't matter.

 

I'm in a similar position though--my sister is getting married in Philadelphia in a year or two, and I'll have to fly myself, my husband and our 4 kids out there. The difference is that she lives there and has said that she'll pay everyone's way if necessary (I have no intention of asking her to do that). All that to say, whatever her reason for going to Mexico, it is her wedding, and if it's important to you to be there, you might just want to start saving, even if they are being ridiculous.

Edited by Rosy
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We have been invited to several out of state weddings, and three destination weddings.

 

We attended one destination wedding in the US but not the other destinations due to cost. Dh was asked to be a groomsman in one and declined due to the expense. No hard feelings either way.

 

My niece got married a few hundred miles away but had 3 days of events planned, and a specific hotel picked out (easier for the chauffeured cars to pick up at one location), for those of us in the bridal party. I tried to decline being in the party, but they insisted on paying for everything to make it more reasonable. Dh and I both missed 2 days of work but with them paying for the travel expenses, it helped to offset it.

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:lol: I can understand the thinking behind Mexico - it wouldn't matter how many guests came because it wouldn't cost them anything extra per guest. It would be like one giant, free party (which they would love).

 

 

So your sister and her boyfriend wouldn't even be hosting a reception in Mexico for their guests? They expect them to pay for every bit themselves? That's obnoxious, IMHO. There's a big difference between holding your wedding celebration at a place which is out of state (or out of country) for many or all of your guests, and just asking people to pay their own way to the reception and everything. I would have thought that the bridal couple or her family, whoever's paying, would still host a "rehearsal dinner" for the bridal party and a reception for all the guests who came all that way. Yikes.

 

Wendi

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Sure, its their wedding. On the other hand, as a mother who spent many years raising my son, I want to be at his wedding.

 

My soon-to-be daughter-in-law thought it would be a great idea to get married in Tuscany. I have four kids at home who also would not get to go, nor their college student brother. I honestly think she wasn't thinking about our situation, as her family lives all over the world and it wouldn't be a problem for them.

 

Thankfully, my son let her know that he wanted his family at his wedding and plans changed.

 

I'm all for it being "their day" and realize they can get married anywhere they choose. I also think it would be selfish to get married somewhere that would prohibit their family from being there.

 

But, see? That's the key -- your son worked it out so they did NOT plan a Tuscany wedding. He brought her back down to earth, so to speak, and injected his values into the wedding planning. So there's not a problem, fortunately.

 

But what if they had both valued the same thing -- a Tuscany wedding -- more than including family? What if they had both agreed to it, and both really wanted it, then what could you do? Even though he is your son (and you DO deserve to be considered and included!), if he had voted in favor of his fiance, what could you do? Because if they both really wanted it, fully knowing what it would mean for parents and siblings, then their decision would speak volumes about what they want for their wedding... I mean, if you KNOW your in-laws can't come to Tuscany, but you STILL plan to have your wedding in Tuscany, what does that say?

 

Do you see what I mean? It's not exactly subtle, though, is it? :glare:

 

My dh and I briefly considered a 'destination' wedding - we considered St. Maarten -- briefly -- dh's mom will not get on an aircraft and fly anywhere EVER! That was the end of that -- it wasn't a biggie.....ultimately, if push comes to shove, it is a decision made by the couple and yes, it would speak volumes if the decision is made for the wedding to be held at a location and a key family member cannot or will not attend. But, it is the couple's decision.

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For sure, it's pretty wasteful.

 

It seems like being an awfully bad host to expect this of people.

 

I don't know that I consider it selfish as much as immature. More childish than obnoxious.

 

The concept that a wedding is a very special event is something I agree to, and I do think that it's good and right to do some extraordinary things for weddings. I once flew across the country to attend the wedding of a good friend of mine, and she did the same for me. But in each case, the weddings were in locations that were meaningful to us and our families, not at a vacation destination. And I really can't imagine why anyone would want a lot of company on their honeymoon. I really wonder about that.

 

I do know one couple who flew to Hawaii to get married, and they had just one other couple in attendance. It was a special place to all four of them, and it was really, really nice and tasteful. But they didn't invite the whole world to either a) attend or b) send presents. Sending around a lot of invitations to something like that strikes me as kind of over the top.

 

I know another couple who flew to Italy to get married, and invited a lot lot lot of people. Their attendents stayed in some B@B, and I think they picked up the cost for that, but not for the international flights. No attendent brought their family. I don't know what they accomplished by doing it this way. That one did strike me as selfish.

 

If it were my own sister, I would probably go. I would expect her to be profoundly grateful, and I would not bring my family. I would carry along a lot of water of my own, and pray not to get sick. I would act completely good-natured about the whole thing, the whole time I was there.

 

If it were me, and for some reason it were my dream to have a wedding like this, I would not ask anyone to be an attendant who I wasn't sure was wildly enthused about coming already. Or I would pay for all or most of the costs for the attendants. But, really, this is so against my nature. If I travelled away like that, it would be to be alone. If I had eloped somewhere, it would have been to avoid doing the whole wedding thing for some reason--either family challenges or simple unwillingness to bear the expense or time commitment of planning a big wedding. I can't imagine expecting others to follow me to a foreign country--that's just not reasonable.

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I had a destination wedding, but I didn't expect anyone to attend. We told a very small group of people (parents and siblings mostly) and paid the way for my maid of honor because I really wanted her to be there. It was perfect for us, and we had a big reception back home afterward so every one could celebrate with us.

 

ETA - we really didn't want a big wedding and had we had it at home we would not have been able to keep it small without hurting a LOT of feelings - both dh and I have large extended families.

Edited by Truscifi
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I had a destination wedding, but I didn't expect anyone to attend. We told a very small group of people (parents and siblings mostly) and paid the way for my maid of honor because I really wanted her to be there. It was perfect for us, and we had a big reception back home afterward so every one could celebrate with us.

 

This approach makes perfect sense to me.

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So, are destination weddings selfish? Is it just a way to get your guests to share the burden of the cost of a wedding? Or am I being selfish in saying I wouldn't want to go and bring my family to Mexico (and spend thousands of dollars doing it) for my sister's wedding?

 

I don't think you are being selfish. I wouldn't spend one thin dime to go to Mexico for a wedding because, if I had the money to spare, I would take my family to Europe. I would not let someone else's wedding plans determine how I use my limited funds, even if that someone is a close relative.

 

I don't think destination weddings are selfish, as long as no one is guilt-tripped into attending. There are probably plenty of very wealthy people who have equally wealthy friends and family, to whom this would not be a burden.

 

I don't think it is selfish for a couple to elope, either. I guess that would be a destination wedding, so to speak, although one without guests.

 

Now, if one of my kids were to elope, I hope they would agree to a celebratory reception after they got married.

 

My opinion may be colored by the fact that I don't like going to weddings, although I certainly do. Also, my family is not a close-knit one. When my brother got married the second time, he didn't tell anyone in our family about his plans until the deed was done. I would likely think differently if we were close.

Edited by RoughCollie
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I believe everyone makes "selfish" choices when they get married. I'm sure you didn't take a vote on for ex. where you got married, who would cater the event, or what band would play.

 

LOL Of course not, but when we had our wedding we were not asking people to get passports, hotel, airplane tickets, and fly to a foreign country on their dime either.

 

I also believe that people use the excuse of it being a destination wedding to avoid attending for whatever reason. My brother and I got married approximately one year apart. He had his wedding where he lived, mine was in Jamaica. Only my immediate family attended my wedding no aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents... all of them attended my brothers. They still had to fly and get a hotel at my brother wedding so what was the difference?

 

You don't see a difference in flying or driving across country and possibly staying with relatives for a day or two and flying to a foreign country? You must live a very different life than I live. We simply could never do the foreign country trip with our family of seven yet we could do a drive across country and stay with a family. I am really surprised you don't see a difference in those two scenarios. They are worlds apart to me.

Edited by Kate CA
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You don't see a difference in flying or driving across country and possibly staying with relatives for a day or two and flying to a foreign country? You must live in a very different life than I live. We simply could never do the foreign country trip with our family of seven yet we could do a drive across country and stay with a family. I am really surprised you don't see a difference in those two scenarios. They are worlds apart to me.

 

 

:iagree:Re: the quote YOU quoted: It is a HUGE difference to me between driving two states away for a wedding vs flying to Mexico.

 

Driving two states away and staying with family for a couple of days is WORLDS APART from flying to Mexico, staying at the resort, etc. Even when they say "all inclusive" there are ALWAYS extra charges somewhere.

 

The airfare ($$$) alone just about makes me CHOKE! :glare:

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I'm going to try and combine responses here.

 

First, I would either have to bring my 4 kids or not go as dh's work is unpredictable and he often has to leave town. We don't have any family in town to look after them.

 

Secondly, we actually have a pretty normal family. We enjoy each other's company and spend a week in the summer and a week at Christmas together - this includes my mom and dad who have been divorced for over 25 years. Sister's eventual in-laws are apparently very nice and inclusive (my mom has joined them for a few different meals and events now and she thinks they're great). All siblings in that family are nice and normal and get along well.

 

Sister and boyfriend have a huge network of friends. They would want hundreds at their wedding. They don't want to pay for a big, elaborate wedding, but they want to be able to invite all of those people and have them attend if they can. Apparently even my sister's hairdresser has said she would be thrilled to come when they set a date. They will want as many of their friends and family there as possible and it the cost won't matter anymore because it will be at an all inclusive resort. Which actually means that they're asking their guests to pay their own way for the wedding. Which is the part that bugs me.

 

I'm trying to convince her that they can do a beautiful, but simple and affordable, wedding at home. They're worried about not measuring up to the weddings they've been attending lately. If it was their sincere dream to get married on the beach in Mexico I might feel differently, but it's their sincere dream to have an impressive wedding for a cheaply as possible.

 

Since they would not be paying for a big celebration, they can pay for you and yours to come! :D

 

ETA: I don't buy the idea that "it is our day and we should do as we please" mindset. Weddings are not just for the couple at all. In my world they are a public covenant made between a man and a woman and their Savior before family and friends. I think the "we will do as we please" attitude is not only selfish, but disheartening.

Edited by Kate CA
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DH and I were married in Chicago and my family had to travel from VA and CA and his from NJ. We were living in Chicago and in the denomination we got married, we had to take pre-marital classes which would have been impossible anywhere else. As it was, someone would have to travel. IT was a very stressful wedding because I did all the prep and dh and I played tourguides too.

 

MY sister was married in VA and we travelled from CA with our son to attend. His brother was married in NJ and we travelled from OH with our two children by then to attend.

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I'm going to try and combine responses here.

 

First, I would either have to bring my 4 kids or not go as dh's work is unpredictable and he often has to leave town. We don't have any family in town to look after them.

 

Secondly, we actually have a pretty normal family. We enjoy each other's company and spend a week in the summer and a week at Christmas together - this includes my mom and dad who have been divorced for over 25 years. Sister's eventual in-laws are apparently very nice and inclusive (my mom has joined them for a few different meals and events now and she thinks they're great). All siblings in that family are nice and normal and get along well.

 

Sister and boyfriend have a huge network of friends. They would want hundreds at their wedding. They don't want to pay for a big, elaborate wedding, but they want to be able to invite all of those people and have them attend if they can. Apparently even my sister's hairdresser has said she would be thrilled to come when they set a date. They will want as many of their friends and family there as possible and it the cost won't matter anymore because it will be at an all inclusive resort. Which actually means that they're asking their guests to pay their own way for the wedding. Which is the part that bugs me.

 

I'm trying to convince her that they can do a beautiful, but simple and affordable, wedding at home. They're worried about not measuring up to the weddings they've been attending lately. If it was their sincere dream to get married on the beach in Mexico I might feel differently, but it's their sincere dream to have an impressive wedding for a cheaply as possible.

 

I still don't get how the Mexico wedding impresses anyone. The guests will all be aware of the fact that they paid for it all themselves! :001_huh:

 

Wendi

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ETA: I don't buy the idea that "it is our day and we should do as we please" mindset. Weddings are not just for the couple at all. In my world they are a public covenant made between a man and a woman and their Savior before family and friends. I think the "we will do as we please" attitude is not only selfish, but disheartening.

 

I understand all of this, but I don't think the bride and groom should have to have a rotten day in order to please everyone else. If it was a choice between pleasing all the rellies and having a rotten time, or pleasing ourselves and upsetting all the rellies, what do you do?

 

Rosie

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I understand all of this, but I don't think the bride and groom should have to have a rotten day in order to please everyone else. If it was a choice between pleasing all the rellies and having a rotten time, or pleasing ourselves and upsetting all the rellies, what do you do?

 

Rosie

 

Bride's parents - "The wedding should be held here. The bride grew up here, her family is here. It's tradition."

Groom's mother - "Get married here. Your siblings won't be able to attend if you go to xxx to get married." "I won't attend if your father and his wife are invited."

Friends - "Get married here. You live here. We want to attend your wedding and cannot take off to go to xxx or yyy."

Bride's parents: "Grandma cannot travel. Your aunts/cousins, etc. can not afford to stay in a hotel. We want our friends to be invited."

Groom's mother - "Well I want my friends to be invited. You are not inviting your father, are you?"

Bride's sister [stationed overseas]: "Could you wait a year? I've already scheduled my vacation for this year."

 

Who would you please? The logistics were impossible. That's why we eloped.

 

BTW when my grandparents got married, they and their attendants put on their best clothes. They stood in front of the minister and got married. The attendants were the witnesses. They went home changed clothing and my grandfather went back to work. They were married in a church less than 1/4 mile from my great-grandparent's house. My great grandparents did not attend. Big weddings were not the custom then.

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