Please don't fuss at me, but I need an opinion still

[Pamela H in Texas]

Yes, I'm asking for a little bit of egg-shell walking. Be honest, but friendly?

 

My favorite dog in the whole wide world died in January. I cannot even begin to explain the pain. Even our other dog goes back to visit his grave (which I've found very odd and painful in and of itself). I cannot imagine any other animal holding our hearts the way our dear Oz did.

 

When he was dying and soon after, I swore I would never get another dog. I considered finding a home for our other dog because I never wanted to go through such pain again.

 

However, after a couple weeks, we really wanted another lap dog. We knew this new dog could not and would not take Oz's place. But we thought we'd enjoy the dog next to us, playing with her, etc. And we hoped it would pull our other dog out of her extreme depression (she wouldn't explore, would stay on couch all day, gained a lot of weight quickly, and STILL won't eat or drink from the same area of the kitchen the bowls used to be in).

 

So we got sweet Cookie who is a white schnauzer. She's DARLING, sweet, adorable, well-behaved. She had her shots, was spayed, semi-trained, potty trained, and LOVES being a lap dog. She doesn't walk very well on a leash, but otherwise she's GREAT!

 

We took her with us to Houston this past weekend. I guess she got nervous not having our other dog with us, traveling so far, meeting new people, etc. She was sick the whole time we were there (5 days). And the whole time I was FREAKED OUT. I was positive she was going to die. Oz had some of the same symptoms before things went nutso bad).

 

We love Cookie, but....I'm really thinking I just am not ready to deal with it. She IS going to have diarrhea once in awhile. She is going to whatever...There is no way we'll go her whole life without her getting sick mildly or temporarily (and I don't even want to imagine worse).

 

I really think we shouldn't have gotten her. But now that we have her, is it terrible to find her a new home? Or should we just deal?

 

If it makes any difference, I feel bad about it but lean towards finding her a home. Hubby and daughter agree. Tyler doesn't ("she HAS a home" was his response to finding her a home).

[PollyOR]

This is a good question to discuss. I have a neighbor who had no difficulty in realizing they had made a mistake and finding new homes for her two dogs. Me? I just can't do it. I feel too much guilt. I love our dog but I've spent 10 years dealing with her stink and hair. I have laid down the law, "No more pets." The kids are getting older and I'll be the one who is stuck with the dog, cat, etc. When the kids ooh and ahh over a puppy or kitten, I smile and tell them they can get one when they get their own homes.

 

Good luck with your decision. It is a tough one!

[OnTheBrink]

Is the new dog the same breed as the old dog? When our Siamese cat died in November, I couldn't even consider another Siamese--we did get another cat, but he's all black and doesn't remind us at all of the Siamese. Anyway, if Cookie is the same or similar to the one who died, that might be causing you some of your distress. It's easy to transfer feelings and worries from one to another if the new pet resembles the lost pet.

 

Overall, I think getting a new pet when one has recently lost one to be more helpful than not. There's pain involved; how could there not be? Nothing will ever replace what was lost. But, having that new pup or kitten or whatever there can start to fill the hole left in your heart. I'd not give the new dog away. Give it time, especially if you have a family member who'd be hurt by its leaving.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a pet is so much harder than we think it is or would be.

[hornblower]

I really think we shouldn't have gotten her. But now that we have her, is it terrible to find her a new home? Or should we just deal?

 

Deal.

 

Life sometimes sucks. We lose things which are very dear to us. We hurt.

With time, our wounds scab over a bit and we carry on.

 

Lola is reminding you of your wounds. It's possible that you haven't scabbed over yet. But you are strong enough to handle this.

 

Do not be one of those people who turns away from joy in life because it sometimes comes with pain.

 

You are saying "I don't want this dog because she'll get sick and die."

 

Yes. She will.

 

Your other dog will too.

 

Some of your loved ones will. Your friends will. If you're fortunate to live long enough, you may see some very very dear loved ones die. It will suck. You will be devastated.

 

But do not turn your heart away from loving them while they're here with you. I'm guessing you're not planning on sending the kids away & breaking things off with dh just so you don't have to face the eventual possibility of tragedies ahead - right?

 

Lola isn't the dog that is gone. She's a new and different dog and she has the potential to heal you with unconditional love but you have to let her, even though the price is some pain and grief at the end.

 

There's no reason to give away this dog. It won't make your heartache go away. It won't protect you from losses. It will only CAUSE heartache & loss for you, your family & a homeless dog who hasn't done anything wrong.

 

Do not let the fear of loss and pain stop you from loving (a dog) again.

[Mrs. Lilac]

I completely agree with EVERYTHING the last poster just said. I feel for you- I truly do- we just lost our two 10-year-old, very much beloved cats within 5 months of each other. It's heartwrenching. But you'll be doing a disservice to your family and to your dog if you cave on this. You'd be teaching your kids a bad lesson about how we deal with hardship in life- and shelters are full of great dogs whose families didn't want to deal in one way or another.

 

Again, couldn't say it better than hornblower did just above.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Cookie is pretty different from Oz in most ways.

 

She is white, he was black.

She is taller and slimmer while he was shorter and stockier (both same weight though).

She is sweet and he really was a bit grumpy and aggressive.

She is ditzy where he was wise.

She's a girl where he was a boy :)

 

We intentionally went opposite.

 

And we think she is GREAT! I just am so stressed out at the thought of her getting ill and dying. And I'm using the excuse in my head about hubby not having a job so there is the stress money wise but that is pretty minor considering we've already done everything, but....

 

MOSTLY, I want to keep her, but I do lean towards finding her a home because I hate the fear so much.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I know you're right....there will be pain. Pets, friends, family....

 

JFWIW, we never would have sent her to a shelter or anything. We would have screened families VERY carefully. But I've been thinking about that too....I don't think there is ANY family good enough for her in my eyes. I do love her. She really is great.

[Jeannie in NJ]

I lost my Rocky (male cat) 2 1/2 years ago which I had since before dc were born. I still grieve for him, the pain is still there. We also lost his littermate Patches (dh's cat) 2 weeks before Rocky died. Patches died suddenly from a blood clot. Rocky was in kidney failure and on sub q fluids the last 4 months of his life. We actually think that he made the decision to go after he had lost his mate. For my dc's sake I let them get new kittens (the grief in our house was intense after losing Rocky and patches. One mistake I made was to get a kitten that looked just like Rocky (bad idea, I know now) anyway, he has not turned into my buddy, he chose my dd, nothing I did would make him be my cat, he only wants dd. Well, I love our new cats but not as much as I did Rocky. I still enjoy them and take care of them but it is different. I know they will die someday but I cannot imagine not having pets in my home.

 

As an aside, when dh was in college, his father survived a couple of heart attacks. Well dh told me that he (dh) EVERY SINGLE DAY worried that his dad was going to die. His dad died 20 years later and dh said that the pain wa just as intense as if he (dh) had not worried evry single day. I know that there is a chance that I will outlive dh but I don't think about it or worry about it. Also my sil lost her dd in a car accident when dd was 17 so it is very obvious to our family that parents can lose children but all we can do is take care of them and hope for long lives for them. Worrying about losing dc, dh, or our pets will not make them live one moment longer than they will if we don't worry.

[OnTheBrink]

I know you're right....there will be pain. Pets, friends, family....

 

JFWIW, we never would have sent her to a shelter or anything. We would have screened families VERY carefully. But I've been thinking about that too....I don't think there is ANY family good enough for her in my eyes. I do love her. She really is great.

 

Let her help you heal. Just don't expect her to "replace" the dog you lost; she can't. But, she can add joy to your life. And yes, she'll someday die. That's the price we all pay for having a pet we love. :grouphug:

[Haiku]

I agree with your son.

 

Tara

[Alicia64]

Pamela ~ You are still in the middle of grief. Anything you do right now will be a reaction to the grief and, when the grief finally starts to subside, you may regret giving the little one away.

 

My dear little dog died just months after my wonderful grandmother. Later I joked that two of the greatest things in life -- grandmas and dogs -- don't last.

 

But they do last in our hearts. Who said, "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

 

Another of my elderly dogs died in Feb. '09. Awful. Does the pain get better? Yes, it does. That's how we're made. If human beings were made to never recover from grief we'd all be total wrecks. I miss my girl dearly -- nothing will change that -- but I enjoy the boy I do have.

 

And while I'm not super religious, i have a very strong faith that we'll all be with our angels again one day.

 

Give yourself time. What you've been through is awful. There's no denying it.

 

Use these moments as best you can to teach your kids about the life cycle, grief, strenth and recovery. (Sometimes it can help to focus on what the kids need to absorb.)

 

Hang in there,

 

Alley

[RoughCollie]

I think you should keep your new dog.

 

I also think the following, which is IMO, only. It's what I do, and it may be contraindicated for all I know. I'm not a grief expert.

 

Feel your feelings when they come up. Don't just have a flash of fear and start thinking about what could happen with the new dog. Instead, think about Oz. Yes, you will feel worse for awhile and you will probably cry. I have discovered, though, that by doing that I work through my grief.

 

IMO, your fears about the current dog are bound up with your unexpressed grief about Oz' death.

 

Now I may be way off base here. If so, forgive me for bringing this up.

 

RC

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

Have you ever thought about getting some professional counseling? I understand the pain that comes with loosing a beloved family pet, but when grief interferes with your daily life and affects your decision making skills it may be time to seek help to deal with the overwhelming emotions and what may or may not be an episode of transitional depression.

[Mejane]

I'll be the odd one, then. I think there is nothing wrong with realizing you may have made a mistake and working hard to rectify it. So long as she goes to a very good home, you should not feel guilty. I had to do this once and I did feel guilty until I saw how happy the dog was in her new home. See if you can make similar arrangements to ease your mind. Ime, most pets are resilient and will be happy with whomever treats them with love and kindness.

[i.love.lucy]

I hope you will keep her. I hope you can turn all this around to focus on the positive. Like a pp said, you can be happy that you had a great dog in your life, and smile because it happened. I really think dogs are a very special part of God's creation. Instead of focusing on the life you *could* lose someday, and will lose eventually of course, focus on the life you can give her NOW. Focus on the great family you have that can love her and care for her like no one else can. She needs you. If it weren't for you, for all you know she could wind up in a shelter and who knows what then.

 

Just go right now and look at her sweet face, in her sweet eyes, and know that she can help you heal and that you need each other.

 

:grouphug:

[Pamela H in Texas]

Thanks y'all :)

 

[Carol in Cal.]

You'll be better off in the long run, I think.

 

My mom was so sad when her dog died (I think I was 1) that she would never have a pet again. She raised me to believe that it was awful to have pets because they die. We never had any pets except hamsters and the occasional sale goldfish. I missed all that joy as a child.

 

When DH and I moved into our present home, about 20 years ago, a cat adopted us. It was a stray, and very easily spooked, but we gradually developed a relationship and it moved in with us. It was such a pleasure! I can't believe that I denied myself that pleasure for so long, out of ignorance.

 

That cat had cat HIV and died 2 years later. It was horrible. But, I learned that it was worth it. Even though we only had 2 years with that cat, the good outweighed the bad.

 

With your lovely dog, didn't the good outweigh the bad? Doesn't it still?

 

Don't shut off the good because of the pain. If you do, you will miss so much.

[Only me]

We aren't to that point yet but I'm afraid we will be this summer. Our 12 year old lab/retriever mix had to be put to sleep last month. We were all devastated. It was the most difficult thing we ever had to do. For three weeks I had been walking around in a daze and trying not to cry all the time. We just went out of town for 5 days and it helped so much but now that we are back it is so difficult again. Just a few minutes ago I noticed that my 15 year old daughter had tears in her eyes. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she missed Thunder so much. I went to bed sobbing last night. This is so hard! On the other hand, I never would have given up the 12 precious years that we had with Thunder even if I knew the pain that we would have to go through now.

 

I kind of feel that it will be the same way with a new dog. Of course he would never replace Thunder. I would also be worried about having to go through that pain again. On the other hand, we will learn to love our new dog too and years down the line we will be glad that we had him in our lives. I would hate to miss out on that because we were worried about being hurt again.

 

We will probably be waiting until August to get another dog since we have traveling to do this summer and want to wait until after that. I'm worried about setting ourselves up for that pain again but then I remember all of the joy that Thunder gave us. I know it sounds strange but I think that he would want us to be happy.

[OnTheBrink]

Thanks y'all :)

 

 

 

Aww! She's adorable! Let her help you grieve Oz. I bet she'll do a great job of it!

[MomLovesClassics]

I haven't read your replies,but could you give her a chance? Our dog got sick and died, and it took us 6 years to open up our hearts and get another, now we wonder how we ever got by without him. Also our 18 yr. old cat died last year. I thought my heart was broke beyond repair. She would sleep on top of me and the sound of her purr would put me to sleep. We really miss her.Thinking my other 13 yr. old cat would do well with a companion we searched. We ended up getting a cat and a kitten. Our 13 yr. old cat is mute, she only growls, hisses, or purrs, she can open her mouth but she can not meow. The new cat is deaf, and the kitten seem to be normal. Well, when we first got the two new girls, the old girl decided she would no longer use the litter box. We had to clean up after her for a few months before she accepted them. I can't say it didn't make me upset. It took a bit of adjusting for the three of them but they are fine together. We love all of them and could not imagine being without them. If you give it a chance it could work out. My vote is try to keep her.

[cillakat]

Y

We love Cookie, but....I'm really thinking I just am not ready to deal with it. She IS going to have diarrhea once in awhile. She is going to whatever...There is no way we'll go her whole life without her getting sick mildly or temporarily (and I don't even want to imagine worse).

 

Consider watching a lot of the dog whisperer. Her issues sound maneageable.

 

Sounds like the bigger issue though is that you're afraid of feeling the pain you so recently felt.....

 

{{{{hugs}}}}

Katherine