WWYD: Child who steals?

[Sue G in PA]

I have written asking for help with this subject before re: one of my children. He was stealing candy from the grocery store. We made him take it back (or pay for it...can't remember if he ate it or not), apologize to the store mgr. and ask how he could make it up to him/make retribution. For a while, that scared him enough that he didn't steal. We also didn't take him to any stores for like a month or so. Well, he is at it again. And now his brother, ds7, has become his partner in crime and stole candy from the store tonight when dh took him out. Ds7 then told dh that ds8 stole candy just the other night and showed dh the "stash". Please help me. And please be gentle. Our children KNOW it is wrong to steal. They KNOW it is not only a sin but it is against the law. We are, of course, making ds7 take the candy back (he didn't eat it) and apologize...as mortifying as this will be (small town grocery store...we are known there. :glare:). What a witness, huh? Anyway, I am so beside myself right now that I can't figure out a punishment to fit the crime. We will have to inconvenience ourselves yet again and NOT take ds8 and ds7 to ANY store with us for a while...again. I am also thinking about not letting them have ANY candy for a certain period of time...ANY candy. We do not purchase it for them...they are required to use their meager allowance for it as it is. Plus, they get plenty at my folks house and at church and other places as well. They are NOT deprived. What else would you do as punishment to make the seriousness of this "real" to them? FWIW...this is not an attention ploy issue. I am certain of that. Thanks for your suggestions and gentle remarks.

[Aubrey]

(First, I hope you get better advice than I'm about to give you.) :grouphug:

 

You know, Sue, I've just started realizing that the things I flip out over are...typical. One day, I was red-in-the-face mad about ds9 hiding something under the sofa & saying he had "cleaned." All of a sudden, I could see him in my imagination as a cartoon, standing there, sheepish, w/ whatever *clearly* visible.

 

All of a sudden, it was kind-of funny. Kind-of normal. Kid stuff--so common that it shows up in picture books.

 

It still had to be addressed, of course, but not like a *personal* affront. Not like a purposeful lie, as if he had the same maturity as dh. Because that's how I was taking it.

 

Whatever you do, be firm (of course) but not mortified. The store manager--if he's been at it for any length of time--will have dealt w/ this before. Most parents at some point will deal w/ it. I wouldn't necessarily let ds know it's normal kid stuff, lol, but I guess I'd also try not to let him see it really GET to me, if that makes sense.

 

I think I've heard of people making kids pay for stuff AND return it. Not letting him have any candy at all for a period of time seems like a good idea. (We've told our ds, who was filching stuff around the house, that anything he likes enough to *steal* for has an unhealthy place in his life & needs to be removed. We had to tell him that more than once, fwiw, so I don't know if it worked or not, but it wasn't a silver bullet by any stretch.)

 

Mostly, *breathe.* :001_smile:

[aggieamy]

Mine are little so I don't have any experience with big kid problems like that. All I've got are :grouphug:.

[Sue G in PA]

Funny, but I'm not angry about it. I'm sad. Just plain sad and disappointed. Oh, and the mortified part is only a tiny part of it...I'll be over that by tomorrow! Thanks, Aubrey. I agree on the candy needing to be removed b/c it has become an "idol" of sorts. And, and we will certainly make them pay for it by doing extra chores. Ugh.

[melissel]

Mine are little so I don't have any experience with big kid problems like that. All I've got are :grouphug:.

 

Mine too, though if it makes you feel any better, DD4 (going on 14) tried to take a gift card from Starbucks the other day--the kind that has no money loaded on it, but she didn't know that, of course. I know she knew that it was wrong to take it, because she tried immediately to hide it from me, and when I saw her fiddling with her pocket, she tried to fib her way around it :( And usually, when she picks up business cards or menus or whatever, she's wide open about handing it to me to put in my purse or pocket. I knew all along that this one would be my mischief maker *sigh* You are not alone, and I think Aubrey's words are very wise :grouphug:

[AK_Mom4]

:grouphug:

 

There were years where one of my children was not allowed into a store unless they were holding onto my or DH's hand. The. whole. time. And since said child felt they were much too old to have to hold hands with Mom/Dad, it did get the lesson home.

 

Oh - and I am firmly in the "no candy" camp for both kids. For a good long time.

[Aubrey]

Funny, but I'm not angry about it. I'm sad. Just plain sad and disappointed. Oh, and the mortified part is only a tiny part of it...I'll be over that by tomorrow! Thanks, Aubrey. I agree on the candy needing to be removed b/c it has become an "idol" of sorts. And, and we will certainly make them pay for it by doing extra chores. Ugh.

 

Yeah, my feelings were hurt. Like, I wouldn't lie to/steal from *him*--WHY would he do that to ME? :lol: And I don't think *feelings* are necessarily wrong--it's very ok to feel sad/angry about our dc messing up, imo--it's just a problem if you act on it. I was totalling punishing ds for how I felt--essentially like I'd been lied to by an adult.

 

Fwiw, I was just talking to dh about this, & he reminded me that we didn't just take candy away from ds but all forms of (refined) sugar. Not that we have a ton, but things come up. Seems like it was around Christmas time (so he was 8 like your ds, fwiw)--anyway, I know he missed out on sweets at at least one church party. There were a couple of occasions--going out w/ ils, maybe?--that really got his attention & helped him to feel the remorse. Obviously I wanted him to regret more than just being "caught" & I think that develops thr a series of conversations that come at different times, if that makes sense.

 

:grouphug: GL!

[OrganicAnn]

Does either of your DS have other issues or is this the only one? If there are no other 'issues', then I would keep a closer eye on them. Not let them out of sight at stores. Have them turn out their pockets before leaving or checking out. They have to earn your trust. It sounds like they know it is wrong.

 

Has the stealing only happened when your DH taken them to the store? I'm just asking because I've noticed a couple times recently that sometimes men don't seem to keep as close an eye on kids in stores as women. Might not apply. Just a thought.

[Sue G in PA]

Ds8 has stolen while with both of us before. However, when ds8 is with me I DO make him turn out his pockets before we leave. The last 2 times that I know he stole recently, he was with dh. Not blaming dh...he figured ds8 was "done with stealing" (in the words of my ds8).

[KJsMom]

:grouphug:

 

There were years where one of my children was not allowed into a store unless they were holding onto my or DH's hand. The. whole. time. And since said child felt they were much too old to have to hold hands with Mom/Dad, it did get the lesson home.

 

Oh - and I am firmly in the "no candy" camp for both kids. For a good long time.

 

:iagree: Nothing worse than having to hold hands in public!

We haven't had to deal with this recently. The one time my dd was 5 and took a barbie that belonged to her cousin. I drove her back over and made her tell everyone what she had done, apologize, and return it. For her, having to confront the situation was the worst possible punishment.

[newlifemom]

May I ask a question. Do you think this is about stealing itself or maybe about candy?

 

The reason I say this is b/c I am becoming more and more convinced that sugar is by the most addicting substance known to man. Particularly the highly processed kind.

 

My sister went to great lengths to support her sugar habit. Stealing was just a part of it.

 

I know it sounds crazy but you mentioned that they get plenty of candy and that is why I thought of it.

 

FTR, I too struggle with sugar. I haven't resorted to crime, but :tongue_smilie:

[Karen in CO]

I couple of ideas - first do have him hold hands when in goes in a store and do frisk him when he leaves. Make sure he knows what you are doing and why. His brother needs to see that the crime doesn't pay. Also take a look at his diet - perhaps he has a sugar problem (hypoglycemia or such). If it keeps up it might be a sign of an impulse control problem or a warning sign of other problems not just a behavior problem. I know several people that compulsively stole things as teens, but I don't know when that behavior started. I don't think I would lapse about treating him as a suspect until you have a good idea of what the cause of the behavior is and know that you have addressed it, otherwise I am afraid that he will continue to steal as soon as you think it is over. Your poor little fugitive. I'd have different advice if it was a first offense.

 

I stole candy once as a child because I wanted the candy but didn't have the money and knew my parents wouldn't buy it for me - my parents gave us a tiny allowance which we could use to buy candy, but they wouldn't buy us candy ever. I think that was the first time in my life I was ever really afraid of my dad. I'm pretty sure you don't want to just use the scary-face and silent-treatment punishments. My dad actually refused to speak to me for over a week because he was so disappointed that he was the father of a thief.

[Janasjots]

I'm going to throw this out there because it doesn't look like anyone else has brought it up.

 

We've had trouble with the stealing issue in our home and it's not just involving candy from the store. It involves siblings belongings, money from our dresser, etc. We've made the kids go back and ask forgiveness as well as give the item back. But since you mentioned the Biblical understanding of stealing being wrong, have you thought about the biblical principle of reparations? Not just giving something back that was stolen but returning it 7 fold? Not just giving back the one candy bar that was stolen but working and having to repay for twice as many as were taken, or even 7 times as many. We started adding this concept when just giving it back doesn't seem to have an impact. This has more pain factor to it. Not that it's taken care of stealing completely but it certainly was more effective.

[mooooom]

but what if you went the opposite way, like the people who make their kids smoke a whole cigar until they get really sick, when they catch them trying to smoke? Could you force them to eat candy until they get sick? Anyone know if that would make the point? I know when my kids overindulge they get queasy stomachs just thinking about whatever it was they ate too much of.

 

Like someone else pointed out, he is ONLY taking candy. If he was taking a variety of things it might be different.

[Sue G in PA]

I'm going to throw this out there because it doesn't look like anyone else has brought it up.

 

We've had trouble with the stealing issue in our home and it's not just involving candy from the store. It involves siblings belongings, money from our dresser, etc. We've made the kids go back and ask forgiveness as well as give the item back. But since you mentioned the Biblical understanding of stealing being wrong, have you thought about the biblical principle of reparations? Not just giving something back that was stolen but returning it 7 fold? Not just giving back the one candy bar that was stolen but working and having to repay for twice as many as were taken, or even 7 times as many. We started adding this concept when just giving it back doesn't seem to have an impact. This has more pain factor to it. Not that it's taken care of stealing completely but it certainly was more effective.

 

This child (ds8), has, come to think of it had a problem stealing from his siblings as well. He has been caught stealing legos from ds11 while he is away at school. It did come to me last night, the scripture about working to pay when stealing is involved. I hadn't thought about it before. So, dh and I have talked and come up with a few things:

1. Take candy back and apologize to store mgr.

2. No candy for a good long time...NONE.

3. Copy scripture pertaining to stealing and memorize

4. Extra chores to make up for the stealing, as per scripture.

5. Prayer asking for forgiveness.

 

I do think that it is the candy and not necessarily the stealing. They covet candy...and money. We can't afford extravagant allowances so they only get to buy candy (one pack) once every 2 weeks. We DO NOT buy it for them. When I said they get plenty...I didn't mean gobs everyday. I meant perhaps once per week they might get some (a little). Not everyday.

 

Anyway, thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies.

[CalicoKat]

What unexpectedly worked for my little thief(s) was a field trip with our co-op to a local bank. There are cameras everywhere, watching, watching, watching. . . . . . .

 

So we walked into Walmart the following day and my child stopped, jaw dropped, and she started pointing to all the cameras in the ceiling, "MOM, they're watching here too!"

 

They found camera's on light posts, they found them on top of buildings, and they were so impressed.

 

The stealing stopped. Big Brother is watching YOU! :D

[KrissiK]

My DS1 (almost 7) has that problem, too. It's a toughie. Of course, he had to take the stuff back and pay for it, apologize, etc. But, you can't always count on the store managers to put the fear of God into a child like they used to. The Walmart manager was pretty firm with him, but our local grocery store wasn't at all. We were very angry with him and had to be careful that our "consequences" were not unreasonably punitive because we were angry. Now, when we go to the store, he has to stand by me during checkout instead of looking at all the "goodies" the store has at eye level for children. And, I always ask him if he has anything in his pockets when we're heading out the door. He hasn't stolen in a few months, so we'll see what happens.

[StephanieZ]

So, what about making ds work to earn enough $$ to pay for 7x the candy bars he stole. . .

 

Then, taking him to Sam's to get a good deal on candy bars with that $$ he earned (that you hand him in cash) and then make him choose his favorites. . .

 

And, then take ALL of them over to a local family shelter as a donation. It would REALLY drive home the message that crime doesn't pay, b/c if he'd been honest & responsible, he could have bought all that candy for himself. . .

 

Then, offer him ways to earn extra candy $$ for himself in the future and take him to the store to buy it.

 

I know lots of folks hate sugar, but I grew up a sugar fiend and still am one. . . . (And, yes, I do try to limit it in the home and with my dc, but I try to do it in ways that don't make it into a battle.) And, I'd much rather my kids grow up with having a few extra candy bars each week/month than with a habit of stealing.

 

Just another thought.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Karen in CO]

One other thing occurred to me while reading this today. Since we are homeschoolers, and you think it is about candy.... how about a unit study on the history of chocolate and some lessons on candy making? Or a study of the history of confections - honey, honey based sweets , history of different forms of sugar and different sugar based confections, confections from other cultures. I have a corn allergy and my kids have started reading labels - since starting this my dd9 started to research all of the different additives in candies. She won't eat any candy with HFCS or BHA or BHT in it anymore. It makes it really hard sometimes for her to find a snack, but we have started making our own candies. They are much tastier and the kids appreciate the work involved in them so they carefully ration how much everyone eats so that they last longer. It might help with the candy end of the issue.

[cillakat]

They KNOW it is not only a sin but it is against the law.

 

It's just that pesky little impulse control thing;p

 

We've been there with one of ours. The best thing you can do is what you are doing....removing the temptation. "Do not put a stumbling block in front of the blind..."

 

Fwiw, six year olds experiment with taking things. 7 and 8 year olds doing the same thing typically have a lag in maturity with regards to impulse control. ADHD kids who are 2-3 years (to a full 1/3 depending on research) behind in some areas of development will display this sort of behavior longer.

 

They of course need to return the item but we were cautioned over and over not to make a huge deal out of it or it *would* become a problem. We really just had to minimize/eliminate the settings in which she'd be tempted and if we found something that wasn't hers or she fessed up to taking something, we just calmly said, "Let's make sure to get this back to them right away."

 

Best and hugs to you,

Katherine

[plansrme]

I don't know if this will help or not, but when my then-5 yo stole a brooch from a store, I talked to the manager beforehand (who said there was something about this particular brooch--apparently mine wasn't the first child to find it irresistible) and had her agree to take something important to my daughter (her favorite stuffed animal) for a week. She took it, put it behind the counter, and I immediately sneaked back to retrieve it and hide it from my daughter for a week.

 

Of course we took the brooch back as well.

 

Terri