Did I handle this well?

[cdrumm4448]

I took my dd to dance class today, and my ds always comes with. He hangs around the other brothers of girls in the class. Today they were a little rowdy and I guess he was bending the arm of one of the boys. All of a sudden that boy's mother screeches,"Stop that! GET BY YOUR MOTHER!" to my son. Every single person in the place stopped what they were doing and turned to look. I asked what had happened, and the mother told me my son was hurting her son. The lady I was talking to at the time looked at me and said,"What is up with that reaction?" I said I didn't know, kept my son with me, and tried not to overreact.

 

He ran off and hid under a shelf for the rest of the time there. I found him when it was almost time to go, and he said he felt really bad because she had humiliated him. I couldn't help myself and went over to that mother. I told her I really didn't appreciate the way she had spoken to my son, and humiliated him. She said my son was hurting her son. I responded by asking why he didn't say,"Stop hurting me." She says he did. I told her I have never in my life spoken to another person's child that way. She then told me that if her son acted the way mine did, than she would expect me to yell at him that way. That's when I told her she's nuts, and walked away.

 

I really, really tried to contain my anger, but I just couldn't help letting her know how inappropriate her actions were. When the boys are rough-housing, I just say something like,"Hey, you guys, knock it off. Someone's going to get hurt." I have never shrieked at another person's child like that. The kid was totally fine. He didn't sit there crying or holding his arm or anything.

 

Has anyone else dealt with something like this, and what's the best way to handle it in the future. This is bad but that woman better not cross my path again.

Edited April 6, 2010 by cdrumm4448

[delaney]

I would have done the same as you did. Why freak out on a kid? She was a bit out of line and could have intervened with a bit more tact.

[myfunnybunch]

It sounds like her reaction was very extreme and your ds' feelings were hurt by that. And she was trying to stop her child from being hurt. Two protective mamas can make for an uncomfortable situation, can't they? :grouphug:

 

I think if something like this happens in the future, it might be helpful to acknowledge that the other person's child had gotten hurt. Something like "Oh dear, I am sorry your son was hurt. My son was pretty frightened by your reaction. In the future, will you please (whatever you think would be an appropriate reaction) then let me know right away so that I can step in?" might have defused the situation.

 

Cat

[Chris in VA]

If another child was twisting my kid's arm and didn't stop when told, I would have stepped in, too.

Not sure I would've yelled like that, but I guess that would depend on what the other child was doing, and how strongly he'd been told by my child to knock it off.

 

And I would have expected an apology from your son or from you on his behalf.

 

You seem to be placing greater importance on the injury to your son's pride than on the fact he was physically hurting another kid and didn't stop when told to.

 

Maybe both of you were having a bad day. It happens.

[clarkacademy]

hate to be the rude one but..... If there is a child twisting my childs arm yeah I am gonna yell. I want attention and I want it stopped because as far as I am concerned noones child has a right to put their hands on mine. If my child looks in pain yeah I am gonna go irate and I don't think that is unreasonable in any way.

[kalanamak]

I said I didn't know, kept my son with me, and tried not to overreact.

 

He ran off and hid under a shelf for the rest of the time there. I found him when it was almost time to go, and he said he felt really bad because she had humiliated him. I couldn't help myself and went over to that mother.

 

It sounds like you weren't that upset until you found out your son felt humiliated.

 

I'm a big chicken in social situations, and I, personally, would have explained to my child that sometimes people get a startle or adrenaline reaction and overreact, but that that reaction belongs to her, not him. Further, he could be advised to be extra cautious with this son, as mom is a bit jumpy, and, BTW, could he reflect on what he was doing in the first place. I'd also tell him no one but the mom and you two will remember this next time, so buck up and hold your head high.

 

I would never expect a loud-reacting mom to respond to a confrontation with "you know, you're right, I was loud and humiliating". Either she had a bad day, and humanly, would defend herself, or she has an anxiety disorder or worse and you may be biting off more than you care to chew. I, too, would hold my head high next time. An iron fist in a velvet glove, and all.

[LauraGB]

I have a friend like the "other mom" in this scenario. I've heard her describe situations like this from her POV. It made enough sense each time for her to react by telling the other child (and his/her mother) in no uncertain terms that whatever actions had transpired were wrong, and it seemed perfectly reasonable, justifiable. Then I actually witnessed it.

 

:001_huh:

 

OMG doesn't even begin to cover it.

 

OP, sometimes you are dealing with someone who has a very distorted view of how boys, kids, humans in general should behave. You dealt well. Avoid this individual and her dc in the future if you can.

Just my 2 cents.

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

Were they rough housing? I mean was it mutual? To me (I know others dont agree with what Im going to say) boys are boys, and yes, they do strange stuff like that. My boys play the head butting game:001_huh: saying "now beat it," thats what they do. Unless your son's intentions were bad, and it clearly wasnt mutual, I would say she over reacted. BUT that is hard to say without me being there so I really dont know. But I also think that if they were not mutually being "boys" (i dont know how else to put it) then I think they would have been more vocal whereas you and others would have noticed what was going on.

 

Just my opinion.

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

OP, sometimes you are dealing with someone who has a very distorted view of how boys, kids, humans in general should behave. You dealt well. Avoid this individual and her dc in the future if you can.

Just my 2 cents.

 

 

:iagree: boys are boys, and sometimes they just do, well, weird stuff (sorry, they do! Mine do atleast)

[OHGrandma]

...This is bad but that woman better not cross my path again.

 

And how is that reaction any different than hers?

 

Tell your boy to go apologize the next time you see them. And all you adults, chill out!

[KristyND]

I would firmly/loudly tell another child to stop hurting mine- screech? No. Certainly not as a first step. Unless that child was also ignoring me telling them to stop- and the screech would as much be to attract the attention of that childs parents as to get them to stop. Maybe thats why she screeched (ETA: to find the parent, not implying your son ignored multiply directions to stop)

 

From your post, it seems neither you or your son apologized for hurting the other child, but maybe you left that part out~ acknowledging the hurt might have made the conversation go better.

Edited April 6, 2010 by KristyND

[cdrumm4448]

Actually, the other mother demanded that my son apologize to her son. I did tell her that arm twisting is wrong and my son was wrong for doing it. My point was that her reaction was insane. She has no problem with her son rough-housing until he gets hurt. She doesn't care when anyone else's son gets hurt. And, quite frankly, I've told my son that if he insists on rough-housing, I will have very little sympathy for you if you get hurt.

 

I'm usually very laid back as far as "boy behavior" is concerned. I'm not going to coddle my son if he participates. I have been in enough boy situations to have seen other mothers correct my son. I have NEVER seen anyone do it the way she did.

 

And my son's pride is not my problem. Someone COMPLETELY overreacting and screaming at my son is my problem. Her reaction did not at all match the situation.

 

I appreciate all the responses, especially ones suggesting verbiage that would diffuse the situation. I hope to use it the next time I am in that situation.

[Pink Fairy]

Just trying to think of what I would do in the other mom's situation. If I thought the rough housing was getting out of hand, I would go over, kneel down to eye level, and say somethiing about how things were getting a little too rough, and it was time to take a break. If your boy had been twisting my son's arm when my son asked him to stop, I would have (quietly) reminded the boys that stop means stop. If my boy didn't stop when the other child said stop (if I was aware of it), I would have corrected him, and made him apologize.

 

Based on what you described, no way would I have behaved the way that mom did. I save that kind of reaction for an emergency, as in someone's going to be seriously hurt. In future, I wouldn't let my son play with her boy, and I'd let her know that she was not to speak to my child. Period. Any problems need to go through me. I just don't have the patience to deal with psycho moms berating my children.

[Michelle O. in MO]

Just trying to think of what I would do in the other mom's situation. If I thought the rough housing was getting out of hand, I would go over, kneel down to eye level, and say somethiing about how things were getting a little too rough, and it was time to take a break. If your boy had been twisting my son's arm when my son asked him to stop, I would have (quietly) reminded the boys that stop means stop. If my boy didn't stop when the other child said stop (if I was aware of it), I would have corrected him, and made him apologize.

 

Based on what you described, no way would I have behaved the way that mom did. I save that kind of reaction for an emergency, as in someone's going to be seriously hurt. In future, I wouldn't let my son play with her boy, and I'd let her know that she was not to speak to my child. Period. Any problems need to go through me. I just don't have the patience to deal with psycho moms berating my children.

 

:iagree: I couldn't have said this better myself.

[Carol in Cal.]

I would never yell at a child who was not practically attempting murder, but I have been in several situations where it was difficult to know what to do--where one child was physically attacking another, and the child's mom was not stepping in to put a stop to it. If I wade into a situation like that, I always feel a little resentful that I have to step in because the other child's mom will not do so. It doesn't sound like that was really the situation here, but maybe she felt like it was. Still, her reaction was over the top.

 

I think that a lot of people who were raised that way don't realize that they don't need a bazooka when flicking away a fly. I know someone like that who I actually showed how to say the same thing without yelling and how well that worked was really a surprise to him. It's good that you gave her an alternative to try if that ever happens again.

 

Having said all that, I still think that arm twisting is a bit serious, and also that you're going to need to be physically closer to your son in the future there, so that you can run interference before another incident develops.

[LibraryLover]

And how is that reaction any different than hers?

 

Tell your boy to go apologize the next time you see them. And all you adults, chill out!

 

 

No kidding. People have bad days. Move on.

[Pink Fairy]

No kidding. People have bad days. Move on.

 

Since cdrumm4448 is also having a difficult time, take your own advice and cut her some slack.

[LibraryLover]

Since cdrumm4448 is also having a difficult time, take your own advice and cut her some slack.

 

Nice. I'm glad you know all the thousands of personal stories here on WTM. People love to throw other people's children and their mothers under the bus. How about we don't, and just chill the heck out and accept that everyone has not- so- great days. Everyone. Not just the women who post here.

[Aubrey]

I just can't get over the other boy--let's say the other mother really freaked out on OP's son. He gets comforted by his mom, they avoid these people, move on.

 

Other mom's son, though, has to *grow up* with a mom who reacts LIKE THAT in front of his peers. *shudder*

[LibraryLover]

We do not know that.

 

It's not that I am without compassion for the OP. I get the situation was lousy. People have bad days, and that child could have a multitude of issues, including autism. That mother could have had a terrible afternoon with bad news from his OT and PT or more.

 

Just because the mother doesn't post here doesn't mean she is a shrew.

 

I suggest we assume that 'other mother' might be in need of love & compassion as much as if she had posted here.

 

That exact situation could have happend to any number of us.

 

I just can't get over the other boy--let's say the other mother really freaked out on OP's son. He gets comforted by his mom, they avoid these people, move on.

 

Other mom's son, though, has to *grow up* with a mom who reacts LIKE THAT in front of his peers. *shudder*

Edited April 7, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Pink Fairy]

Nice. I'm glad you know all the thousands of personal stories here on WTM. People love to throw other people's children and their mothers under the bus. How about we don't, and just chill the heck out and accept that everyone has not- so- great days. Everyone. Not just the women who post here.

 

Nice? I don't get your point. Maybe some people love to throw other moms and their children under the bus. Maybe some people claim to know all the thousands of personal stories here on TWTM forums (I never said that I did and have no idea what you are talking about). This is one situation, one poster who is upset and not sure she did the right thing. There's nothing wrong with taking what she said at face value and offering an opinion, without trying to diagnose the other woman's problems and knowing her history. She's free to take it or leave it, and she's free to take your advice to accept that other people have bad days, that she needs to chill out and move on.

[Jean in Newcastle]

At 8 years old I would expect my son to know that you do not rough-house like that in public situations. And arm-twisting would not be allowed. But I have been accused by some of teaching my son to be a wuss. But it did not cause me to change my approach to these kinds of things.

 

As to this situation? I don't know. I wasn't there. I do know that I would do some soul searching after an incident like that just to try and be objective about my child, my own reactions and the situation in general. And I would remind myself that the only things I have direct control over are my child and my own reactions.

[LibraryLover]

I agree, Jean. It was obvioulsy a rough situation, but these things, sadly, do happen. It's right to talk about it, feel sad, mad, bad, and then chalk it up to our being flawed humans.

[cdrumm4448]

To clarify, just in case I wasn't clear in my previous posts, I don't at all mind adults correcting my son. It wasn't the correction I minded, it was the manner in which it was done. And yes, we all have bad days. (I have been stranded, with my children, twice this week because my car wouldn't start.) I was originally looking for a response I could file away for the future, so that if something like this happens again I could be prepared to handle it gracefully.

 

I was trying to find a more graceful way to handle my anger at this mother.

[phathui5]

I think that it's hard for moms to not yell when it looks like someone it hurting her child. While she may have overreacted, it's understandable that she screeched if she thought her kid might get hurt.

[RanchGirl]

If another child was twisting my kid's arm and didn't stop when told, I would have stepped in, too.

Not sure I would've yelled like that, but I guess that would depend on what the other child was doing, and how strongly he'd been told by my child to knock it off.

 

And I would have expected an apology from your son or from you on his behalf.

 

You seem to be placing greater importance on the injury to your son's pride than on the fact he was physically hurting another kid and didn't stop when told to.

 

Maybe both of you were having a bad day. It happens.

 

:iagree: I have two boys and I don't define rowdy or rough housing as twisting someone's arm in a painful way, nor do I think this sounds like the place for that type of play anyway. I would say your son owes her son an apology.

 

Yes her reaction was extreme, but if someone was physically hurting my son, I would intervene as quickly and as loudly as necessary to make sure it stopped. Wouldn't you? You reacted to the "humiliation" of your son just as strongly and then called her nuts to boot... sorry but no, I don't think you handled it well.

 

Hopefully you can still smooth things over next week by saying something simple to the other mom like "sorry things went badly between us last week, my son is going to apologize to your little Johnny and he brought some games they can play together." No need to dish out blame or come to agreement on whose reaction was more or less appropriate, or become best friends, just deal with the original issue which was your son was hurting another boy and if that is your son's idea of play, then with this kid at least, he needs to switch to another type of play. And then definitely keep a closer eye on your son so you know exactly what's going on and can intervene yourself if things get out of hand again.

[cdrumm4448]

:iagree: I have two boys and I don't define rowdy or rough housing as twisting someone's arm in a painful way,

 

He accidentally bent it while straight; he didn't twist it behind his back. You are correct that dance isn't the place for that type of play. I have since spoken to a mom that was there and she did say that while the other mom yelled and drew everyone's attention (the emergency yell), I did not. I was curious because I actually had no idea if I had yelled at her or not because I was so angry.

[Danestress]

Okay. She yelled. She sounds like a pretty reactive person, and it would annoy me too.

 

But there are people who just yell. I don't like it, and I think if I had been there, even if it in no way involved me, the yelling would set me on edge. So I understand why you have a problem with this.

 

Honestly, though, I think you should have just let it blow over. Yes, your son was embarrassed. That's a bummer. It doesn't sound like he was doig anything terribly wrong. But she wanted to get his attention and she has said her son told him to stop and he didn't. I'm sure she knows better than to grab someone else's child and jerk him off her son, so she used her voice. It seems like you are really fixated on the raising her voice part, but really, it's just an over reaction. I think you are also over reacting in your own way.

 

I think you should pray for peace and let this go.

[Luanne]

... and I have worked with children a lot ... is the best way to take care of a situation like the one the OP described is to get off your duff and walk over there and quietly talk to the child in question. Screaming rarely produces the results that you want. Unless of course the lady was one of those "look at me!" type people, in which she produced EXACTLY what she wanted. For the record ... I don't like those "look at me!" type people very much. Unless the boy was getting ready to set fire to her son or push him down a flight of stairs, going over to where the boys were and talking in a sane voice would (in my opinion) been a better option. I woulnd't take to kindly to someone shrieking at my child either.

 

I have noticed on this board though that it seems to me like there are some people who just like to chime in just so they can berate the OP.

[LG Gone Wild]

I took my dd to dance class today, and my ds always comes with. He hangs around the other brothers of girls in the class. Today they were a little rowdy and I guess he was bending the arm of one of the boys. All of a sudden that boy's mother screeches,"Stop that! GET BY YOUR MOTHER!" to my son. Every single person in the place stopped what they were doing and turned to look. I asked what had happened, and the mother told me my son was hurting her son. The lady I was talking to at the time looked at me and said,"What is up with that reaction?" I said I didn't know, kept my son with me, and tried not to overreact.

 

He ran off and hid under a shelf for the rest of the time there. I found him when it was almost time to go, and he said he felt really bad because she had humiliated him. I couldn't help myself and went over to that mother. I told her I really didn't appreciate the way she had spoken to my son, and humiliated him. She said my son was hurting her son. I responded by asking why he didn't say,"Stop hurting me." She says he did. I told her I have never in my life spoken to another person's child that way. She then told me that if her son acted the way mine did, than she would expect me to yell at him that way. That's when I told her she's nuts, and walked away.

 

I really, really tried to contain my anger, but I just couldn't help letting her know how inappropriate her actions were. When the boys are rough-housing, I just say something like,"Hey, you guys, knock it off. Someone's going to get hurt." I have never shrieked at another person's child like that. The kid was totally fine. He didn't sit there crying or holding his arm or anything.

 

Has anyone else dealt with something like this, and what's the best way to handle it in the future. This is bad but that woman better not cross my path again.

 

Well, I recognize myself as the other mom. I am screecher mom. I don't think you handled it all that well BUT you shouldn't feel guilty or bad about it. I like that you had the courage to take the situation to her and that you weren't cowed. It was an awkward all around.

 

I'm glad you posted. It reminded me that I need to :chillpill:.

[ondreeuh]

 

Has anyone else dealt with something like this, and what's the best way to handle it in the future. This is bad but that woman better not cross my path again.

 

I have dealt with something similar to this and I think you reacted in a normal way. No, maybe it wasn't the most saintly reaction but I understand it. It's awful to witness your child treated horribly by someone else, especially someone who should know better.

 

One of the other boys in my son's den has very over-corrective parents. They don't just nitpick everything he does; they extend it to other kids. I had talked to the leader about it, making sure it wasn't just me being oversensitive, and he said he had noticed it too and figured that since it didn't seem to bother his son, it wasn't worth talking to them about. :glare: Most of the time they just make themselves look like jerks and everyone ignores them.

 

Well one day last spring the cub scouts were gathering to go on a hike. I wasn't there but my MIL was. Critical Dad pulls up in a souped-up sports car and all the boys rush over to see it. My son was holding a stick (for the hike) in his hand and apparently bumped it on the car. The dad used a very hateful voice to snarl at him and say, "Don't you EVER do that to my car again." MIL said that the other parents looked at each other with raised eyebrows and MIL moved my son away. Then on the hike some of the moms were talking to her about how inappropriate it was.

 

I was already annoyed at them for correcting my son right in front of me for stuff that was NOT a big deal (wiggling!) and this just took it too far. So I emailed the parents (joint account) and told them that there was no reason for the dad to speak to my son like that, that my MIL was right there and could have handled the situation, and that it was a terrible example to the boys on how to handle conflict. Then I said he was to never speak to my son like that again.

 

The Dad and I have not spoken since, although lately he has made friendly little comments. Maybe he learned his lesson, but the mom is as bad as ever. They honestly just seem to think that snapping and criticizing is perfectly OK. :glare: Their kids are totally used to it, which is just sad.

 

Anyway, I would consider this woman warned. Prepare something to say so if she does it again you are ready. I'd say that you have decided it's not appropriate for your children to play together. Maybe your girls won't end up being in the same dance class in the future (you can hope!).

[Joanne]

1) Boys play weird.

 

2) Boys tend to get rough. There are times when they can't reign it in before someone gets hurt.

 

3) I have developed a large tolerance and understanding for a range of boy play, as odd as I may find it.

 

4) I still have a visceral reaction when a child, any size and gender won't STOP the moment another child says STOP.

 

5) I don't like other parents addressing my child in discipline when I am present.

 

6) I would understand a parent stepping in to enforce a "stop".

 

7) Given that another mom felt similarly to her screech, I'm going to trust it was odd and over the top.

 

8) I think your reaction was odd and over the top, too. Calling her crazy? How was that different from or better than her screech other than yours was adult to adult?

[vkay]

I haven't read the other responses, but from glancing at a few titles, I can tell that I'll be in the minority here..............but here it goes anyway.

 

I'm more of the line of thinking, "good for that mom". There's no reason to sit by and watch some other kid hurting your ds. Why wouldn't she say anything??!??!? And if your ds felt bad because of it.....GOOD. Maybe that's what he needs. Someone needs to tell him that he can't do that. How else is he suppose to learn? Or do you want this type of behavior from him to continue?

 

Nowhere in your post do you mention talking to him about his poor behavior. You should have made him walk over and apologize and talk to him about never doing that again!!

 

I'm ducking out now. We all have different parenting sytles, and I thought I'd share the view of the 'other'. If that were my ds that did that, he would be in sooooooooooo much trouble and I would have apologized to the mom and my ds would apologize to the kid.

[sparrow]

I took my dd to dance class today, and my ds always comes with. He hangs around the other brothers of girls in the class. Today they were a little rowdy and I guess he was bending the arm of one of the boys. All of a sudden that boy's mother screeches,"Stop that! GET BY YOUR MOTHER!" to my son. Every single person in the place stopped what they were doing and turned to look. I asked what had happened, and the mother told me my son was hurting her son. The lady I was talking to at the time looked at me and said,"What is up with that reaction?" I said I didn't know, kept my son with me, and tried not to overreact.

 

He ran off and hid under a shelf for the rest of the time there. I found him when it was almost time to go, and he said he felt really bad because she had humiliated him. I couldn't help myself and went over to that mother. I told her I really didn't appreciate the way she had spoken to my son, and humiliated him. She said my son was hurting her son. I responded by asking why he didn't say,"Stop hurting me." She says he did. I told her I have never in my life spoken to another person's child that way. She then told me that if her son acted the way mine did, than she would expect me to yell at him that way. That's when I told her she's nuts, and walked away.

 

I really, really tried to contain my anger, but I just couldn't help letting her know how inappropriate her actions were. When the boys are rough-housing, I just say something like,"Hey, you guys, knock it off. Someone's going to get hurt." I have never shrieked at another person's child like that. The kid was totally fine. He didn't sit there crying or holding his arm or anything.

 

Has anyone else dealt with something like this, and what's the best way to handle it in the future. This is bad but that woman better not cross my path again.

 

 

Did you handle it well? Hmmm, I think you probably could have put the mom off the defensive by asking if her kid was OK. I'm not quite sure why you're holding on to it with "that woman better not cross my path again" either :confused:.

 

I put myself in the other mom's shoes and I could totally see *myself* with that reaction. After numerous, "knock it off, guys" and "enough. someone is going to get hurt", sometimes you need to let them know you mean business. I don't know that she said anything wrong telling him to stop and go by you:confused:.

 

My son is an aspie. He occasionally gets caught up in the horsing around, but doesn't quite have the communication skills to get it to stop. So, your assumption that her son wasn't hurt is just that, an assumption. I can see my son reach his limit and if no one is listening, it is my job to put a stop to it. If the standard "knock it off" doesn't work, you've got to up the ante.

 

Did your son apologize? From what you wrote, you just confronted the mom about embarrassing your son. I think future situations could be handled more in the vein of, "I'm sorry 'Johnny' went too far. He's pretty embarrassed that he got yelled at :)."

 

I hope that's a little food for thought from the other side.

[TXMary2]

OP- I am sorry that happened. I agree the other mother's reaction was inappropriate and didn't fit the crime. As a mother of 3 boys, I also agree that boys will be boys and some parents just need to let them be. If the other boy wasn't screaming bloody murder or saying that he was being hurt then the boys probably could have handled the situation on their own. I am as fierce a mother bear as anyone, but I pick my battles.

[Wheres Toto]

OP- I am sorry that happened. I agree the other mother's reaction was inappropriate and didn't fit the crime. As a mother of 3 boys, I also agree that boys will be boys and some parents just need to let them be. If the other boy wasn't screaming bloody murder or saying that he was being hurt then the boys probably could have handled the situation on their own. I am as fierce a mother bear as anyone, but I pick my battles.

:iagree:

 

The OP didn't mention anything about the other boy crying or screaming in pain and since it was the other mom's scream that got everyone's attention, it appears he didn't. Was he crying when the mom yelled? I'm assuming they were around the same age so her son wasn't much older/bigger than the other kid. These were not toddlers, they were big kids. Boys do tend to play rough. If it looks like its getting too rough, I would tell them to calm it down a bit. I do think the other mom screaming at the OP's son to get back by his mother was a bit much.

[Aubrey]

We do not know that.

 

It's not that I am without compassion for the OP. I get the situation was lousy. People have bad days, and that child could have a multitude of issues, including autism. That mother could have had a terrible afternoon with bad news from his OT and PT or more.

 

Just because the mother doesn't post here doesn't mean she is a shrew.

 

I suggest we assume that 'other mother' might be in need of love & compassion as much as if she had posted here.

 

That exact situation could have happend to any number of us.

 

No--you misunderstood me. I could see either side of the story--maybe the lady overreacted all crazy-like, maybe OP's not seeing other mom's POV. When I first read the post, I kind-of shrugged because I *don't* know. I don't even have much experience w/ rough housing boys, as my oldest is a very quiet kid.

 

BUT the more I thought about it, imagining the situation both ways, I started to think, Gee. If that lady IS crazy, she humiliated OP's son once; she'll be humiliating her own ds the rest of his life. Not to take away from OP's post--just sort of thinking about how boys play & how moms react to boys' play.

 

I guess I meant it in more of a general sense. It's the kind of peripheral issue that usually gets discussed in threads of this nature, that makes (imo) these threads really interesting because they address a specific issue as well as a broader phil of raising kids issue. :001_smile:

[hillfarm]

I wrote a long, probably way too harsh post, but the computer ate it. Thank You, God, for tempering my sharp tongue.

 

The bottom line is that the op's son was out of line by rough housing in a public place. She dropped the ball by failing to address the problem that she knew was occurring. By not stepping in, she forced the other mother to intervene when her child started getting injured. Now the op is angry, calling names and threatening, because she didn't like how the other mother responded.

 

How should the op have responded? By not taking her ds to a dance practice waiting area if he couldn't behave properly there. By stopping the rough housing as soon as it started. Then there would have been no confrontation necessary.

 

What should she do now, in light of what did happen? Appologise to the other mother for her son's behavior and for hers, in forcing the other mother to parent both children. The ds should be given a serious talk about how to behave at dance and should be expected to sit quietly while waiting. If he cannot do this, the op should make other arrangements for his care during the class.

 

If I were the mother of one of the dancers, I would be really irritated about all this drama and distraction going on that should have never happened. I would be particularly furious if any of it had distracted my dd or the instructors.

[LostSurprise]

In my opinion, you both overreacted.

 

As a mother of 4 boys I think she greatly overreacted. But different people have different experiences, fears, and perspectives (would it make a difference if her son is being physically bullied at school or if she just got out of an abusive marriage or if her son has a physical problem?). It is not abnormal for a woman to react strongly when she views a possible injury to her child. It may be mistaken but it's not crazy.

 

You, as the mother of a child who injured another (and as I explain to my boys injuries are often inside, so we can't ever judge that someone isn't hurt..we often have to take their word for it) overreacted and ignored your responsibility to apologize and make a connection with this woman simply because you didn't approve of the way she did something.

 

In a situation where more than one person errs, the easiest thing is to apologize first. Admit all wrong done by yourself (or in this case have your child apologize). THEN you can move on and try to negotiate a better way to deal with the situation.

 

Quite possibly if you had done this it may have softened her enough for her to think about her error. Instead you both reacted before empathizing.

[Melissa in FL]

I wrote a long, probably way too harsh post, but the computer ate it. Thank You, God, for tempering my sharp tongue.

 

The bottom line is that the op's son was out of line by rough housing in a public place. She dropped the ball by failing to address the problem that she knew was occurring. By not stepping in, she forced the other mother to intervene when her child started getting injured. Now the op is angry, calling names and threatening, because she didn't like how the other mother responded.

 

How should the op have responded? By not taking her ds to a dance practice waiting area if he couldn't behave properly there. By stopping the rough housing as soon as it started. Then there would have been no confrontation necessary.

 

What should she do now, in light of what did happen? Appologise to the other mother for her son's behavior and for hers, in forcing the other mother to parent both children. The ds should be given a serious talk about how to behave at dance and should be expected to sit quietly while waiting. If he cannot do this, the op should make other arrangements for his care during the class.

 

If I were the mother of one of the dancers, I would be really irritated about all this drama and distraction going on that should have never happened. I would be particularly furious if any of it had distracted my dd or the instructors.

 

:iagree: You said you had to ask what had happened and that you were talking to another parent. You've also said "And, quite frankly, I've told my son that if he insists on rough-housing, I will have very little sympathy for you if you get hurt. " I don't think when your child is waiting for your younger one to take a lesson is the time to let him rough house around. At the park, maybe. But an 8 year old should be able to find something quiet to do while a younger sibling has a lesson. He should also not be surprised or humiliated if another parent steps in to stop him from hurting someone.

 

I think you should think about how he can occupy himself during your dd's dance lesson. When one of my children has a lesson I take things for the siblings to do. Sometimes homework or coloring, sometime a magazine or book, sometimes the game Uno or something else to play. Anything to keep them from being a distraction and causing problems. Maybe take something that all the kids waiting can do.

Melissa

[Mrs Mungo]

I agree with what a lot of people have said, on both "sides" of the issue.

 

I have a rough boy and I agree that some parents are over-protective.

 

I also agree that there are times I have stepped in when one boy was hurting another boy (especially if the one doing the hurting is bigger) who had said to stop, even when neither of them were mine.

 

However, what I agree with the *most* is this:

 

I don't think when your child is waiting for your younger one to take a lesson is the time to let him rough house around. At the park, maybe. But an 8 year old should be able to find something quiet to do while a younger sibling has a lesson.

 

I think you should think about how he can occupy himself during your dd's dance lesson. When one of my children has a lesson I take things for the siblings to do. Sometimes homework or coloring, sometime a magazine or book, sometimes the game Uno or something else to play. Anything to keep them from being a distraction and causing problems. Maybe take something that all the kids waiting can do.

Melissa

[cdrumm4448]

8) I think your reaction was odd and over the top, too. Calling her crazy? How was that different from or better than her screech other than yours was adult to adult?

 

I actually told her she was nuts, not crazy. I ended up telling her that because I told her I have never spoken to another person's child that way. She told me that if her child behaved the way mine had, she would expect me to scream at him. That's when I told her she was nuts. Was it the best thing to say? Probably not. But I honestly don't feel like I should scream at someone's child for accidentally hurting mine. If she feels it's OK for an adult to speak to her child that way, I do think she's nuts.

[cdrumm4448]

I haven't read the other responses, but from glancing at a few titles, I can tell that I'll be in the minority here..............but here it goes anyway.

 

I'm more of the line of thinking, "good for that mom". There's no reason to sit by and watch some other kid hurting your ds. Why wouldn't she say anything??!??!? And if your ds felt bad because of it.....GOOD. Maybe that's what he needs. Someone needs to tell him that he can't do that. How else is he suppose to learn? Or do you want this type of behavior from him to continue?

 

Nowhere in your post do you mention talking to him about his poor behavior. You should have made him walk over and apologize and talk to him about never doing that again!!

 

I'm ducking out now. We all have different parenting sytles, and I thought I'd share the view of the 'other'. If that were my ds that did that, he would be in sooooooooooo much trouble and I would have apologized to the mom and my ds would apologize to the kid.

 

I did speak to my son and tell him that we keep our hands to ourselves. But, boys seems to constantly be poking each other, or doing something of the sort. Bending his arm was going too far, and he knows that. The other mother's reaction was not normal for the situation.

[cdrumm4448]

Did you handle it well? Hmmm, I think you probably could have put the mom off the defensive by asking if her kid was OK. I'm not quite sure why you're holding on to it with "that woman better not cross my path again" either :confused:.

 

I put myself in the other mom's shoes and I could totally see *myself* with that reaction. After numerous, "knock it off, guys" and "enough. someone is going to get hurt", sometimes you need to let them know you mean business. I don't know that she said anything wrong telling him to stop and go by you:confused:.

 

My son is an aspie. He occasionally gets caught up in the horsing around, but doesn't quite have the communication skills to get it to stop. So, your assumption that her son wasn't hurt is just that, an assumption. I can see my son reach his limit and if no one is listening, it is my job to put a stop to it. If the standard "knock it off" doesn't work, you've got to up the ante.

 

Did your son apologize? From what you wrote, you just confronted the mom about embarrassing your son. I think future situations could be handled more in the vein of, "I'm sorry 'Johnny' went too far. He's pretty embarrassed that he got yelled at :)."

 

I hope that's a little food for thought from the other side.

 

Actually, there was no "Knock it off" from her. The only thing she said was a total SCREAM.

[cdrumm4448]

:iagree:

 

The OP didn't mention anything about the other boy crying or screaming in pain and since it was the other mom's scream that got everyone's attention, it appears he didn't. Was he crying when the mom yelled? I'm assuming they were around the same age so her son wasn't much older/bigger than the other kid. These were not toddlers, they were big kids. Boys do tend to play rough. If it looks like its getting too rough, I would tell them to calm it down a bit. I do think the other mom screaming at the OP's son to get back by his mother was a bit much.

 

 

You are correct. The other boy wasn't holding his arm, crying. He went about playing with the other boys there after this happened.

[Joanne]

I did speak to my son and tell him that we keep our hands to ourselves. But, boys seems to constantly be poking each other, or doing something of the sort. Bending his arm was going too far, and he knows that. The other mother's reaction was not normal for the situation.

 

From an effective discipline standpoint, and if I were the other mom, this wouldn't "work" for me. If the parents generally allow the boys to play and "be boys", then telling an 8 year old to keep his hands to himself is useless and confusing.

 

The more accurate response would be "you stop *the moment* another says no" or completely banning physical play between the boys.

[cdrumm4448]

I wrote a long, probably way too harsh post, but the computer ate it. Thank You, God, for tempering my sharp tongue.

 

The bottom line is that the op's son was out of line by rough housing in a public place. She dropped the ball by failing to address the problem that she knew was occurring. By not stepping in, she forced the other mother to intervene when her child started getting injured. Now the op is angry, calling names and threatening, because she didn't like how the other mother responded.

 

How should the op have responded? By not taking her ds to a dance practice waiting area if he couldn't behave properly there. By stopping the rough housing as soon as it started. Then there would have been no confrontation necessary.

 

What should she do now, in light of what did happen? Appologise to the other mother for her son's behavior and for hers, in forcing the other mother to parent both children. The ds should be given a serious talk about how to behave at dance and should be expected to sit quietly while waiting. If he cannot do this, the op should make other arrangements for his care during the class.

 

If I were the mother of one of the dancers, I would be really irritated about all this drama and distraction going on that should have never happened. I would be particularly furious if any of it had distracted my dd or the instructors.

 

The dance hallway is not a library. The moms there are all talking loudly and ALL the boys that show up and are waiting for their sisters play together. No one has a problem with it, usually. I had no idea there was a problem because they were PLAYING together. Boys do go too far sometimes, and I have spoken to my son about it. But honestly, if someone accidentally hurts my son and he's not spouting blood or missing teeth, I tell him he's fine. But, I'm used to boys.

[Joanne]

I actually told her she was nuts, not crazy. I ended up telling her that because I told her I have never spoken to another person's child that way. She told me that if her child behaved the way mine had, she would expect me to scream at him. That's when I told her she was nuts. Was it the best thing to say? Probably not. But I honestly don't feel like I should scream at someone's child for accidentally hurting mine. If she feels it's OK for an adult to speak to her child that way, I do think she's nuts.

 

So, you are defending calliing her nuts against my assertion that you called her crazy?

 

The fact that I don't think you acted appropriately - feedback you soliticited here on this board - doesn't mean I agree with how she handled it. :001_huh:

 

Did you not want feedback from differing perspectives?

[cdrumm4448]

:iagree: You said you had to ask what had happened and that you were talking to another parent. You've also said "And, quite frankly, I've told my son that if he insists on rough-housing, I will have very little sympathy for you if you get hurt. " I don't think when your child is waiting for your younger one to take a lesson is the time to let him rough house around. At the park, maybe. But an 8 year old should be able to find something quiet to do while a younger sibling has a lesson. He should also not be surprised or humiliated if another parent steps in to stop him from hurting someone.

 

I think you should think about how he can occupy himself during your dd's dance lesson. When one of my children has a lesson I take things for the siblings to do. Sometimes homework or coloring, sometime a magazine or book, sometimes the game Uno or something else to play. Anything to keep them from being a distraction and causing problems. Maybe take something that all the kids waiting can do.

Melissa

 

The only thing the boys bring to do is the DS. We don't own handheld games of that sort. When the boys all bring them, they are usually all in the own quiet little worlds, not interacting with anyone. I realize many parents like this because they're quiet, but we're not big fans of removing kids from social situations with video games. I could try to bring a boardgame next time.

[cdrumm4448]

So, you are defending calliing her nuts against my assertion that you called her crazy?

 

The fact that I don't think you acted appropriately - feedback you soliticited here on this board - doesn't mean I agree with how she handled it. :001_huh:

 

Did you not want feedback from differing perspectives?

 

No, I was clarifying what you said, not defending it. And I did ask the question to receive feedback.