preparing kids for marriage....when it's really close?

[Jodi-FL]

what can you recommend (books/websites/articles, etc.) to help prepare our kids for marriage? my oldest daughter is 19.5 (and so is her boyfriend) and they are serious. we have many friends (hello floridalisa???) who got married at 19 and are still married 25-30 years later. but my dh was married before he met me and his wife left him less than 2 years later. so really, he can't see clearly to steer our sweet girl because all he sees is how his inexperience in his first marriage turned out (he was 23, she was 19).

 

i shouldn't have blinked. life was so much easier before she learned to walk...

tia,

jodi now in pa

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

and I've read many.

 

The one book that helped to me see a realistic view of marriage and what makes one successful was Judith Wallerstein's "The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts."

 

http://www.amazon.com/Good-Marriage-How-Love-Lasts/dp/B002XUM1D4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1270499568&sr=8-1

[FloridaLisa]

Hey Jodi,

 

I was actually 20, by a month. :001_smile:

 

I'm not as far into this as you apparently are, but here are some of the resources that dh and I have been reading and handing off ds1:

 

What He Must Be, Voddie Baucham(ds actually wanted to read this after he saw it on my nightstand). You might not agree with everything in the book, but there is certainly much rich food for thought.

 

Passion and Purity, Elisabeth Elliot. More about the dating relationship, but again, but also some insight into what she found in Jim Elliot worth pursuing toward marriage.

 

Crown Financial Ministries -- ds hasn't done this yet, but a lesson in finances will be paramount before entering into engagement.

 

Covenant Bible Study by Precepts, Kay Arthur -- this study is about God's covenant with mankind, but also teaches about the covenant of marriage. This study is the best I've seen to reveal the sanctity and depth of the covenant vows that a man and woman take in marriage. Highly recommended. We will be doing this as a family this summer.

 

Hope some of this helps. Yes, the busy, difficult days of toddlerhood seem so simple now, don't they? I pray that God will lead you to some excellent resources and Godly mentors as you walk this path!

 

Lisa

[8filltheheart]

My oldest is getting married in less than 3 weeks. Dh and I got married the day after my 20th birthday and are getting ready to celebrate our 24th.....so when they announced they were engaged almost 3 yrs ago, we couldn't say much. (We knew we were going to get married by the time I was 17!)

 

Honestly, I don't think there is a one size fits all answer. Nobody matures at the same rate. Not everyone, even if mature and responsible, is ready for the true responsibilities of marriage. I know for a fact that I don't see the same qualities in my next 2 that our oldest showed at the same ages.

 

Some things we did do is make them sit down and plan out finances and set realistic budget goals. They have actually exceeded their goals. We also insisted that they be able to provide insurance for themselves. Originally, I was extremely concerned about our future dil b/c she is an acute myeloid leukemia survivor and unfortunately, she has a chance of secondary cancers from her treatments when she was little. We have definitely witnessed the absolute need for both of them b/c now our ds has been diagnosed with Lupus and has been really sick. He is just now getting his symptoms under control. So, they need to understand how quickly things can change.....ds was in perfect health in Aug!

 

Other than that, I'm not sure how much more we can control or encourage. They are adults. FWIW......if I could have chosen a wife for my ds.....I couldn't have done as good of a job as he did!! :)

[NancyL]

Not a book, but there's a Movie called Fireproof---Its done by an organization (a church actually) and the website is called Fireproof your Marriage. My husband brought it home from the video store because he was looking for fireman rescue movies. This movie really wasn't what he was looking for!--but you know -I enjoyed it--the messages that are woven into the plot are really true--it's the day to day things that actually keep your marriage going. I think people can see some of the behaviors done by the different couples and see themselves at least a little bit.

 

The actors are all members of the church--and you know, it's pretty well done. I would cautiously recommend it, actually.

[Nissi]

This was a deep and moving book.

 

2. When Sinners say, "I Do" by Dave Harvey - very helpful

 

3. This Momentary Marriage by John Piper : Gives you an excellent understanding of the deep spiritual significance of marriage - available for free online.

 

4. Love that Lasts by Gary and Betsy Ricucci - Have heard it recommended a lot but have not read it personally.

 

Hth!

[Cedarmom]

Dave Ramsey books on finance

 

Love and Respect by Eggrich's (a good marraiage book not just for someone young)

 

Does your daughter know how to cook, balance a budget, fix car etc. I would spend the time now teaching her those things. I had no idea how to do any of it when I got married.

[Jodi-FL]

our daughter is very mature. she's had a job for years, and a check book, has bought her own car, manages her finances well, cooks well (she's the oldest of 7, so she knows how to take care of babies, clean a house, all that). it's just her boyfriend has hands off parents. he has done things like grocery shop and laundry for years for his depressed (in bed all the time) mother. he has homeschooled his two younger brothers. but he recently opened a checking account and then bounced three checks in the first month. he bought a lemon of a car because he didn't know how to check it out. things like that. he has a full time job with better than my accountant at a bank husband, but it's not something he wants to do full time.

 

thanks for all the suggestions. i've read many of the books, and will look up the others. i think the book life skills by christine field (is that her name) may need to be reread with him. he loves to read, and i do like him.... i just wasn't ready to start thinking about this yet....

 

more suggestions are appreciated as well-

jodi-who's off to give her littles baths and wish them to stay little for a long time

[Holly IN]

No recommendations of books or suggestions....Just a btdt....

 

 

I was 19 when I got married to my dh (he was 20). Now here we are, married 19 1/2 years later. Do we regret it? Nope!! We do wish we were more prepared by having proper counseling by a Christian viewpoint counselor or pschologist. This would have helped us in our first 5 years of marriage. It was rough. I didn't know how to cook and he didn't know how to be a husband. I didn't know how to be a wife. So we struggled a lot. We went into the marriage not expecting thigns to be different. Well I guess I do have recommendations....:D

 

1) Find a good counselor esp. somebody that does pre-maritial counseling.

 

2) teach your daughter how to run a household and to cook well.

 

3) Dave Ramsey's financial peace course (both needs to take this)

 

4) does the boyfriend's father teach the boy anything? If not then maybe your husband can pull him aside and teach him how to be a husband??

 

5) TALK TALK TALK TALK to both of them.....about everything (except Sex)....;)

 

My dh and I are on the path in prepariing our oldest for marriage right now even though he is only 15. There is a girl in his life and her parents are of the same mindset as we are for marriage except we have no problems with young marriage but the girl's father does. He expects her to wait until she finishes college. The mother however said to me that she can marry if they can't wait to get married. She said it is better for them to get married than to have pre-maritial sex. We both are against dating and courtship. We believe in more of a family orienated dating.....both my son and this girl is requesting both parents to be involved in their relationship. Is your daughter and her boyfriend of the same mindset??

 

Anyway even though my dh and I had no preparation we made it and are still making it. We will be celebrating our 20th anniversary this July. We made it but it was ROUGH!!!! Our last 14 years has been the best of our marriage and it is getting better for us.

 

Just my two cents.

 

Holly

[Shifra]

I got married at 20, and my husband was 23. We are still married 20 years later. Many of the suggestions that you have are Christian oriented, and I can't help you there because I am Jewish. But the best communication book I have read is How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. By reading it, I learned how to communicate effectively and kindly, which is so important in marriage.

 

I would have to agree that the more your children can live independently--cooking skills, fixing cars, career skills, etc.--the less bumps the marriage will have (hopefully). The financial pressures today are much greater than in the 1960s, when most people did not have a college degree. Careers that today require a college degree then only needed a high school diploma.

[Sue G in PA]

Just wanted to agree with the rec. of Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. We just went through a 6 wk. Sunday School series called "What if Marriage was designed to make you Holy and not Happy?". Sounds depressing, but it was really more about marriage being a committment and not just a "give it a try" institution! Marriage takes work and there will be times when those warm and fuzzy feelings of newleywed love won't be there. Don't get me wrong...the love is still there but sometimes the "feelings" are not, kwim? Anyway, in preparing my dc for marriage, dh and I hope to emphasize the committment part or marriage.

 

Also, know what you are getting into BEFORE you get into it! A dear friend's dd married young and married a guy she was "head over heels in love with" but he wasn't exactly the most, um, responsible or mature guy. She thought she could "change" him. That never works. They divorced after 2 years. He never did change enough for her. Sad. Good luck to your dd and her boyfriend, though! Very exciting time, but one I am hoping does NOT come too quickly for us, LOL!

[Rosie_0801]

Financial goals are important, but, depending on the two people involved, so could intellectual goals be. That's where dh and I are floundering atm, getting very close to breaking point. Maybe having these sorts of goals will show gaps that can be deliberately plugged to help them avoid outgrowing each other?

 

We're not Christian, but we still got a bit out of this and the flag test: http://www.laughyourway.com/

 

Rosie

Edited April 7, 2010 by Rosie_0801

[Reya]

My mom was 19, and she's still married. :-)

[tex-mex]

our daughter is very mature. she's had a job for years, and a check book, has bought her own car, manages her finances well, cooks well (she's the oldest of 7, so she knows how to take care of babies, clean a house, all that). it's just her boyfriend has hands off parents. he has done things like grocery shop and laundry for years for his depressed (in bed all the time) mother. he has homeschooled his two younger brothers. but he recently opened a checking account and then bounced three checks in the first month. he bought a lemon of a car because he didn't know how to check it out. things like that. he has a full time job with better than my accountant at a bank husband, but it's not something he wants to do full time.

 

 

Ummm... just a guess... but is future SIL open to your advice about marriage? If it were your ds, I'd say go for it. But some folks are hard wired in habits -- your dd would do good to understand not all relationships are perfect and her future hubby may be weak in some areas (i.e. money, checkbooks, cars, etc.). As long as they communicate and find a happy compromise on who does what (i.e. pay bills, handle $$$, repairs, etc.) and to agree together before any big decisions (i.e. new car, homeschooling). It does appear as if SIL could use a money management course like Dave Ramsey? :confused:

[phathui5]

I'd definitely recommend advising them to go through premarital counseling. Dh and I did it when we got married (at 18 and 22) and I think it was good to have someone else ask questions we hadn't thought of.

[Tamarind]

I Loved a Girl

and

I Married You

are both excellent.