Please help me THINK through this dilemma!!!

[Melinda in VT]

OK, tossing this out because I haven't seen anyone suggest this yet (although I could have missed it).

 

Would it be possible for your son to go with you? At 9, my kids loved 1-1 time with a parent, and loved being considered grown up.

 

Of course, I'm basing this on my experience this year with my grandmother's funeral. Her death was not a surprise, and so the mood really was a celebration of her life and of our family. Lots of stories told and pictures shared. I went alone (we live cross-country), but I had two 9yos at the time and they both would have enjoyed coming.

[Night Elf]

I would go to the funeral. the bible says quite plainly it is better to celebrate some-one's death than birth.

 

If the OP is a Christian, this might help. If not, this has zero meaning.

 

I have seen a funeral with only 1 person present. it was very sad. to think that nobody was there to honer their life.

 

But what does that say about how this person treated others? Did he/she push everyone away? Some people don't have families. Without knowing that man/woman personally, there may be more to the story than what it appears to be on the outside.

 

I'm not even going to have a funeral. If people cannot be bothered to want to be with me while I'm alive, I certainly don't want them standing around my corpse pretending life was great. Ick!

[Joanne]

I'm not even going to have a funeral. If people cannot be bothered to want to be with me while I'm alive, I certainly don't want them standing around my corpse pretending life was great. Ick!

 

Getting together as friends and family is part of the cultural grieving process. IMO, it's an important process for those connected to the deceased.

[emubird]

When my husband's brother in law died, my husband got there so late he almost missed the funeral. But he stayed for a week afterward. Everyone else had already left and that was the time his sister really needed him.

 

She appreciated having him around afterward. She would barely have noticed he was there if he'd only been there for the funeral.

[katemary63]

Does she truly prefer to see your son devastated.

 

I just think "devastated" is over the top. If I truly believed my child was "devastated" over this, I would start working on that. I honestly feel it's too immature of a reaction for a 9 year old.

 

 

expecting a 9-yr old to submit without tears or disappointment seems a very high expectation..

 

No one said he should not cry or be disappointed. But really, some disappointment (a much more appropriate reaction then "devastation") is a part of life and going through it builds strength and character. Allowing this sad moment in real life to manifest it's natural consequences on the family and then helping him though it would be a gift to him.

 

Might I suggest asking his opinion on finding a resolution to the problem.......ask him to help come up with the plan to celebrate on a different day. He might be understanding when he calms down from his initial disappointment..

 

Fantastic idea!

 

he is not capable of acting like an adult. Asking him to suck it up and deal with it because life happens seems so harsh.

 

I don't think I read this anywhere. No one ever said not to be compassionate to the child and just make him "suck it up". Certainly, any mother who had to miss a child's birthday date (not the celebration of course) would loving explain things and show compassion for him in every way possible, doing what she could to mitigate things.

 

Mothers, you do all know that taking away every negative consequence in life that makes your child cry or feel disapointment is NOT good for them, right? A family funeral is the perfect time to start letting this kind of thing happen. A death in the family is a solomn occation that deserves respect and priority, especially in the sense of being there for the ones who are most effected emotionally, such as, in this case,the grandmother. I am actually really suprised that so many people are suggesting to blow this dinner off. There could be some really treasured moments that come out of it, and I, for one, just would not miss it.

[Haiku]

If it is important to your mother that you be there, you should go. It's HER mother who died, right? She needs your support. Your son's birthday can be celebrated another day. He may be upset about it now, but in time he will understand.

 

Tara

[Haiku]

I'm very surprised to see so many people who think it's ok not to be with their mother when she loses her mother. I don't think it sets a very good example for the child for starters, and honestly, I don't think it's a very good way to honor your parent.

 

I did not attend my grandmother's funeral because I simply did not have the $900 to fly out. I considered driving (3 days each way) but my mother told me very clearly that I should stay home with my kids and that she would have a lot of family support even in my absence. I stayed home. I still feel bad about it.

 

Tara

[Harriet Vane]

I'm very surprised to see so many people who think it's ok not to be with their mother when she loses her mother. I don't think it sets a very good example for the child for starters, and honestly, I don't think it's a very good way to honor your parent.

 

Tara

 

:iagree:

[Night Elf]

Getting together as friends and family is part of the cultural grieving process. IMO, it's an important process for those connected to the deceased.

 

I understand it's a cultural thing, but I do not think it's honorable at all. If my family holds a somber, morbid funeral, it will be against my wishes. I personally did not feel any comfort at all at the two funerals I attended. They were horrible experiences.

[Night Elf]

Mothers, you do all know that taking away every negative consequence in life that makes your child cry or feel disapointment is NOT good for them, right?

 

And no one made this suggestion either. Though I would like to add that not listening to children's concerns and fears because they are too immature to really know what they are feeling is NOT good. Then again, I understand that the way I parent my children is good for us and not good for everyone else. I do many things that parents on this board have sworn were bad for kids, and my kids are great.

 

The dilemma originally posted has been exaggerated throughout this thread. The OP clearly stated the only thing she would be missing is a dinner, not the funeral or visitations, and would be with her mom afterwards on a daily basis. She asked for ideas on how to THINK through this situation. She didn't ask to be belittled for choosing to think of it as a choice, where some of you are outright assuming there is no choice.

 

I'm equally surprised at the people who think this dinner is more important than the child's feelings. I know some of you think this situation will help build character. I see it totally opposite. I see it as possibly tearing down trust and faith, something I see that isn't good for children.

[Joanne]

I understand it's a cultural thing, but I do not think it's honorable at all. If my family holds a somber, morbid funeral, it will be against my wishes. I personally did not feel any comfort at all at the two funerals I attended. They were horrible experiences.

 

OH, I'm with you about somber and serious. My family is rather, um, irreverent and quirky. When my Mom died, we met in FL for her memorial. It was the first time we'd been together in 15 or so YEARS as a sibling group because of an estranged sister who came back into the fold at this event.

 

We went to Disney world for a day. :lol: Mom would have loved that; I felt her presence and approval all day.:)

[Haiku]

I see it as possibly tearing down trust and faith, something I see that isn't good for children.

 

Possibly it is. Possibly it's also a huge slap in the face to the mother. None of us here knows, because we don't know the people involved or the entire situation. I'm seeing more "Who cares what your mother wants, it's all about your child" than I am anything else. I think that's very sad, to just completely dismiss the mother's feelings out of hand.

 

Tara

[Night Elf]

We went to Disney world for a day. :lol: Mom would have loved that; I felt her presence and approval all day.:)

 

Oh yeah, now THAT is a good idea! Very cool!

[CAMom]

The dilemma originally posted has been exaggerated throughout this thread. The OP clearly stated the only thing she would be missing is a dinner, not the funeral or visitations, and would be with her mom afterwards on a daily basis. She asked for ideas on how to THINK through this situation. She didn't ask to be belittled for choosing to think of it as a choice, where some of you are outright assuming there is no choice.

 

I'm equally surprised at the people who think this dinner is more important than the child's feelings. I know some of you think this situation will help build character. I see it totally opposite. I see it as possibly tearing down trust and faith, something I see that isn't good for children.

 

Yes, she asked us to help her think through it.

 

I'm with the others who say that it is important to be at the dinner. It's obvious that it's important to your mother. Whether or not you would want people to do certain things when you are grieving is irrelevant. The person who is actually grieving needs what they need.

 

Think about it this way-if this dinner is for the children and grandchildren of the deceased are all getting together and your mom does not have you, how will that make her feel? Her siblings sitting around being supported by their children and her daughter not being there in spite of her asking you to? I don't think that's right. I also don't think she's asking something unreasonable.

 

I'm kind of surprised that people think your son is going to "remember this for the rest of his life." He may remember it but unless there's a lot of emotional baggage in his life, this one event is not going to scar him. If it does, there's a lot more going on. Eventually, he will be able to look back and understand that being sensitive to the grieving is the right thing to do.

 

Let me share this with you...My own mother did not attend my daughter's memorial service because she said she "just couldn't take it." It's been 5 years and it still really hurts that she was not there to support me.

 

I lost my grandmother last summer. I was closer to her than anyone. My dad didn't come to her funeral (it was my mom's mom) because they had plans with my stepmom's family. That really hurt as well.

 

You son may be disappointed. But, he will grow to learn that sometimes we have to sacrifice in order to serve someone else. It's not that we are not important, too, but sometimes we have to delay our own wants in order to help someone else through things.

 

Your mom will be hurt. Hurt is far more consequential and has much farther reaching implications then a temporary disappointment.

 

I'm sorry for your family's loss.:grouphug:

[Nicole M]

Yes, she asked us to help her think through it.

 

I'm with the others who say that it is important to be at the dinner. It's obvious that it's important to your mother. Whether or not you would want people to do certain things when you are grieving is irrelevant. The person who is actually grieving needs what they need.

 

Think about it this way-if this dinner is for the children and grandchildren of the deceased are all getting together and your mom does not have you, how will that make her feel? Her siblings sitting around being supported by their children and her daughter not being there in spite of her asking you to? I don't think that's right. I also don't think she's asking something unreasonable.

 

I'm kind of surprised that people think your son is going to "remember this for the rest of his life." He may remember it but unless there's a lot of emotional baggage in his life, this one event is not going to scar him. If it does, there's a lot more going on. Eventually, he will be able to look back and understand that being sensitive to the grieving is the right thing to do.

 

Let me share this with you...My own mother did not attend my daughter's memorial service because she said she "just couldn't take it." It's been 5 years and it still really hurts that she was not there to support me.

 

I lost my grandmother last summer. I was closer to her than anyone. My dad didn't come to her funeral (it was my mom's mom) because they had plans with my stepmom's family. That really hurt as well.

 

You son may be disappointed. But, he will grow to learn that sometimes we have to sacrifice in order to serve someone else. It's not that we are not important, too, but sometimes we have to delay our own wants in order to help someone else through things.

 

Your mom will be hurt. Hurt is far more consequential and has much farther reaching implications then a temporary disappointment.

 

I'm sorry for your family's loss.:grouphug:

 

Beautifully said.

[Carol in Cal.]

Yes, she asked us to help her think through it.

 

I'm with the others who say that it is important to be at the dinner. It's obvious that it's important to your mother. Whether or not you would want people to do certain things when you are grieving is irrelevant. The person who is actually grieving needs what they need.

 

Think about it this way-if this dinner is for the children and grandchildren of the deceased are all getting together and your mom does not have you, how will that make her feel? Her siblings sitting around being supported by their children and her daughter not being there in spite of her asking you to? I don't think that's right. I also don't think she's asking something unreasonable.

 

I'm kind of surprised that people think your son is going to "remember this for the rest of his life." He may remember it but unless there's a lot of emotional baggage in his life, this one event is not going to scar him. If it does, there's a lot more going on. Eventually, he will be able to look back and understand that being sensitive to the grieving is the right thing to do.

 

Let me share this with you...My own mother did not attend my daughter's memorial service because she said she "just couldn't take it." It's been 5 years and it still really hurts that she was not there to support me.

 

I lost my grandmother last summer. I was closer to her than anyone. My dad didn't come to her funeral (it was my mom's mom) because they had plans with my stepmom's family. That really hurt as well.

 

You son may be disappointed. But, he will grow to learn that sometimes we have to sacrifice in order to serve someone else. It's not that we are not important, too, but sometimes we have to delay our own wants in order to help someone else through things.

 

Your mom will be hurt. Hurt is far more consequential and has much farther reaching implications then a temporary disappointment.

 

I'm sorry for your family's loss.:grouphug:

 

Yes, this, exactly.

[Tess in the Burbs]

it would upset my mother but yes, I would stay home with my son.

[RanchGirl]

I would go to the family dinner for sure. We would probably drive with all the kids or else leave the kids with the other side of the family and my spouse and I would got. If not possible, then I'd just go myself.

 

I don't see the big deal in moving the date of the bday celebration and I'm sure my kids would be fine with it as well. If I left them with my husband or with the in-laws, we'd probably get tickets for something special like a baseball game on the actual day and then do a family celebration later.

[JudoMom]

Yes, she asked us to help her think through it.

 

I'm with the others who say that it is important to be at the dinner. It's obvious that it's important to your mother. Whether or not you would want people to do certain things when you are grieving is irrelevant. The person who is actually grieving needs what they need.

 

Think about it this way-if this dinner is for the children and grandchildren of the deceased are all getting together and your mom does not have you, how will that make her feel? Her siblings sitting around being supported by their children and her daughter not being there in spite of her asking you to? I don't think that's right. I also don't think she's asking something unreasonable.

 

I'm kind of surprised that people think your son is going to "remember this for the rest of his life." He may remember it but unless there's a lot of emotional baggage in his life, this one event is not going to scar him. If it does, there's a lot more going on. Eventually, he will be able to look back and understand that being sensitive to the grieving is the right thing to do.

 

Let me share this with you...My own mother did not attend my daughter's memorial service because she said she "just couldn't take it." It's been 5 years and it still really hurts that she was not there to support me.

 

I lost my grandmother last summer. I was closer to her than anyone. My dad didn't come to her funeral (it was my mom's mom) because they had plans with my stepmom's family. That really hurt as well.

 

You son may be disappointed. But, he will grow to learn that sometimes we have to sacrifice in order to serve someone else. It's not that we are not important, too, but sometimes we have to delay our own wants in order to help someone else through things.

 

Your mom will be hurt. Hurt is far more consequential and has much farther reaching implications then a temporary disappointment.

 

I'm sorry for your family's loss.:grouphug:

 

Wonderful post, and I agree 100%. :grouphug:

[Haiku]

I'm kind of surprised that people think your son is going to "remember this for the rest of his life." He may remember it but unless there's a lot of emotional baggage in his life, this one event is not going to scar him. If it does, there's a lot more going on. Eventually, he will be able to look back and understand that being sensitive to the grieving is the right thing to do.

 

That's exactly what I think. A person who is upset by this their whole life is, imo, a person who hasn't matured and developed empathy for others. A person who remains hurt by this for their entire life is a person who is still operating in a me-centered world.

 

Of course a nine year old might be disappointed, but scarred for life? Doubtful.

 

Tara

[SquirrellyMama]

That's exactly what I think. A person who is upset by this their whole life is, imo, a person who hasn't matured and developed empathy for others. A person who remains hurt by this for their entire life is a person who is still operating in a me-centered world.

 

Of course a nine year old might be disappointed, but scarred for life? Doubtful.

 

Tara

 

:iagree:

[Rosy]

Add me to the "go to the dinner" list and the "surprised at those who would stay home" list.

 

I can't imagine a 9-year-old being irreparably harmed by a *delayed* birthday celebration. I understand family traditions...but love for others trumps that. If you're having a hard time getting everyone together on his actual birthday, maybe it would be better to celebrate later on anyway. Last year we moved on my son's 7th b-day. He was disappointed when he found out, but we had a surprise family party earlier in the week (before the craziness started) and his real b-day party a month or so later. He doesn't at all remember "missing his birthday"--I am the only one who remembers that we moved on his b-day.

 

I love my grandparents. I can't imagine missing an opportunity to celebrate their lives after they're gone. And while my mom drives me crazy at times, I would want to be there to support her.

 

Your sense of commitment to your son's b-day celebration might be able to help you understand how your mom is feeling. This dinner might be as important to her as your son's b-day is to you, maybe more.

[Mom0012]

I prefer to celebrate my children's birthdays on the actual day, but in this case, I would celebrate a day early or postpone it if there are special activities that couldn't be rescheduled that quickly and then fly out for the dinner. I would make sure my son had a few special gifts to open on his actual birthday and a cake and play it up that now he will have 2 birthday celebrations. That way, you have met everyone's needs.

 

Lisa

Edited April 1, 2010 by LisaTheresa

[MelanieM]

I'm with the others who say that it is important to be at the dinner. It's obvious that it's important to your mother. Whether or not you would want people to do certain things when you are grieving is irrelevant. The person who is actually grieving needs what they need.

 

Think about it this way-if this dinner is for the children and grandchildren of the deceased are all getting together and your mom does not have you, how will that make her feel? Her siblings sitting around being supported by their children and her daughter not being there in spite of her asking you to? I don't think that's right. I also don't think she's asking something unreasonable.

 

So why is it ok to do what a 60 year old wants because it's important to her, but not ok to do what a 9 year old wants because it's important to him? If it's supposed to be important to teach children they can't always get what they want, then shouldn't we expect grown adults to understand that?

 

And before anyone says this is different because it's a funeral... it's not a funeral, it's a family dinner where presumably many of the OP's mother's relatives will be present. The OP has already stated she will be there for the funeral and memorial.

 

I'm kind of surprised that people think your son is going to "remember this for the rest of his life." He may remember it but unless there's a lot of emotional baggage in his life, this one event is not going to scar him. If it does, there's a lot more going on. Eventually, he will be able to look back and understand that being sensitive to the grieving is the right thing to do.

 

 

I don't think it's an issue of remembering it for the rest of his life as much as honouring that it is important to him now. If you are in a family that makes a big deal of a birthday - the actual day - then this is a big deal to a child. And yes, there are only so many of these special days a child has within the magic of childhood. It's not necessarily as simple as "many more birthdays ahead".

 

Let me share this with you...My own mother did not attend my daughter's memorial service because she said she "just couldn't take it." It's been 5 years and it still really hurts that she was not there to support me.

 

I lost my grandmother last summer. I was closer to her than anyone. My dad didn't come to her funeral (it was my mom's mom) because they had plans with my stepmom's family. That really hurt as well.

 

 

I'm so very sorry for your losses. :grouphug:

 

You son may be disappointed. But, he will grow to learn that sometimes we have to sacrifice in order to serve someone else. It's not that we are not important, too, but sometimes we have to delay our own wants in order to help someone else through things.

 

Your mom will be hurt. Hurt is far more consequential and has much farther reaching implications then a temporary disappointment.

 

 

I'm really not sure how it's possible to say that one is disappointment and the other is hurt. We really don't know what this child's personality is like, or how important this is to the child or the mother. Maybe the child will be hurt and the mother disappointed. And again, I would expect more understanding from an adult than from a child. Shouldn't a grown adult be capable of making allowances for the needs of a child? How is it that we expect the child to "get it" but think the adult has a right to hold onto hurt for years?

 

Also, to those that think kids won't hold onto things... how many of us have painful childhood memories that we still moan and groan about 30 years later? I don't know many who are free from such things, and likely most of it could could be considered inconsequential to someone. I don't think it unreasonable to suggest that a young boy might find something like this a challenge to overcome.

 

People will feel what they feel. I guess I see it more my job to be tender with the feelings of little ones than I do with those of other adults -- including my own mother.

 

For what it's worth, I would want my grown daughter to spend the day with her son on his birthday, and I would manage through the dinner celebrating my own mother's death without her, knowing she was tending to her primary responsibility and happy that she was celebrating a life.

[Brigitte]

The dilemma originally posted has been exaggerated throughout this thread. The OP clearly stated the only thing she would be missing is a dinner, not the funeral or visitations, and would be with her mom afterwards on a daily basis. She asked for ideas on how to THINK through this situation. She didn't ask to be belittled for choosing to think of it as a choice, where some of you are outright assuming there is no choice.

.

 

Actually, she said that if she flies up on Saturday, she takes the chance of missing the visitation or funeral because she is flying stand-by. If she does not get on that flight, the others will get her there late.

[Joanne]

So why is it ok to do what a 60 year old wants because it's important to her, but not ok to do what a 9 year old wants because it's important to him? If it's supposed to be important to teach children they can't always get what they want, then shouldn't we expect grown adults to understand that?

 

And before anyone says this is different because it's a funeral... it's not a funeral, it's a family dinner where presumably many of the OP's mother's relatives will be present. The OP has already stated she will be there for the funeral and memorial.

 

Your second paragraph answers the first. An immediate family b-day celebration is much more fluid and moveable than numerous relatives gathering in a time-anchored funeral situation.

 

I'm with the posters who feel that a 9 year old who can't handle this is too fragile of a 9 year old.

 

That, and I don't think that immediate family should always trump extended.

[MelanieM]

Your second paragraph answers the first. An immediate family b-day celebration is much more fluid and moveable than numerous relatives gathering in a time-anchored funeral situation.

 

I'm with the posters who feel that a 9 year old who can't handle this is too fragile of a 9 year old.

 

That, and I don't think that immediate family should always trump extended.

 

Yeah, I get that. But I guess I don't understand why people aren't saying "a 60 year old who can't handle this is too fragile of a 60 year old" if we're talking about what someone should or should not be able to understand based on age. I suppose I see how it could be *equally* as big a deal to a child as to an adult, in these circumstances, and so one shouldn't be discounted based on how much bigger a deal it looks from the outside.

Edited April 1, 2010 by MelanieM

[CAMom]

So why is it ok to do what a 60 year old wants because it's important to her, but not ok to do what a 9 year old wants because it's important to him? If it's supposed to be important to teach children they can't always get what they want, then shouldn't we expect grown adults to understand that?

 

And before anyone says this is different because it's a funeral... it's not a funeral, it's a family dinner where presumably many of the OP's mother's relatives will be present. The OP has already stated she will be there for the funeral and memorial.

 

It's a family gathering to mutually mourn the loss of a significant loved one. It's an intimate affair with just the family whereas the funeral (I'm assuming) is a more general gathering with lots of people where you must be a little more on your guard. Obviously the intimate gathering is important to the OP's mother who is grieving one of the most significant losses any of us endure-the loss of a parent.

 

It's important what the mother wants because this is surrounding grief. It's not like they can reschedule someone's death. I think by never being willing to waiver on a family tradition of birthdays must be done on a certain day no matter what, children are being set up with unrealistic expectations. The fact is sometimes we have to be flexible to meet the needs of someone else.

 

 

 

I don't think it's an issue of remembering it for the rest of his life as much as honouring that it is important to him now. If you are in a family that makes a big deal of a birthday - the actual day - then this is a big deal to a child. And yes, there are only so many of these special days a child has within the magic of childhood. It's not necessarily as simple as "many more birthdays ahead".

 

True but I still think that learning to be sensitive to the needs of others is one of the most important life experiences that we learn. It helps us develop empathy and a sense that we constantly need to evaluate our priorities for any given circumstance.

 

 

I'm so very sorry for your losses. :grouphug:

 

Thank you! They were both very, very difficult losses.

 

I'm really not sure how it's possible to say that one is disappointment and the other is hurt. We really don't know what this child's personality is like, or how important this is to the child or the mother. Maybe the child will be hurt and the mother disappointed. And again, I would expect more understanding from an adult than from a child. Shouldn't a grown adult be capable of making allowances for the needs of a child? How is it that we expect the child to "get it" but think the adult has a right to hold onto hurt for years?

 

I don't know how anyone could be hurt that their birthday was not celebrated on a specific day when something as significant as a death has occurred.:confused: I'm not saying that anyone has the right to hold onto hurt for years as in holding against someone. But, the hurt of someone minimizing your grief is extremely painful.

 

Also, to those that think kids won't hold onto things... how many of us have painful childhood memories that we still moan and groan about 30 years later? I don't know many who are free from such things, and likely most of it could could be considered inconsequential to someone. I don't think it unreasonable to suggest that a young boy might find something like this a challenge to overcome.

 

Honestly? In this very situation? If I ran across someone who was moaning and groaning that his mother had to go to his grandmother's side on the loss of her mother and missed his 9th birthday and was still moaning or groaning about it 30 years later I would gently tell him to get over it. I hope someone else would do the same thing for me!

 

People will feel what they feel. I guess I see it more my job to be tender with the feelings of little ones than I do with those of other adults -- including my own mother.

 

For what it's worth, I would want my grown daughter to spend the day with her son on his birthday, and I would manage through the dinner celebrating my own mother's death without her, knowing she was tending to her primary responsibility and happy that she was celebrating a life.

 

I appreciate what you would do if you were the one who lost your mother in this situation but, frankly, it's not worth anything. Everyone grieves very differently and the mother in this case is not being selfish to want her daughter by her side in a very difficult circumstance.

 

I have found that people are so uncomfortable with death and grief that they do minimize it and they are very insensitive to those who are experiencing it.

[Mrs Mungo]

Yeah, I get that. But I guess I don't understand why people aren't saying "a 60 year old who can't handle this is too fragile of a 60 year old."

 

In my mind, wanting support when one is grieving for the loss of a parent is a little different than celebrating a birthday.

[Impish]

Too many shades of grey, personally.

 

So much depends on the relationships of both generations of mothers and daughters for a start. *My* mother wouldn't be heartbroken about the death of her mother, for example. My grandma is 80, and if financially possible, I'll fly across country, stay in a hotel room (not at my parent's) to be able to attend...because I adore my grandmother. Nothing to do with supporting my mom, because she a) wouldn't need it and b) we're simply not close. I wouldn't hang around a family dinner so my mother could 'show me off' either.

 

So, too much really depends on the people and the relationships involved.

 

My best advice is pray, talk to your dh, and take it from there.

[Corraleno]

It's important what the mother wants because this is surrounding grief. It's not like they can reschedule someone's death. I think by never being willing to waiver on a family tradition of birthdays must be done on a certain day no matter what, children are being set up with unrealistic expectations. The fact is sometimes we have to be flexible to meet the needs of someone else.

 

I still think that learning to be sensitive to the needs of others is one of the most important life experiences that we learn. It helps us develop empathy and a sense that we constantly need to evaluate our priorities for any given circumstance.

 

I don't know how anyone could be hurt that their birthday was not celebrated on a specific day when something as significant as a death has occurred.:confused: <snip> If I ran across someone who was moaning and groaning that his mother had to go to his grandmother's side on the loss of her mother and missed his 9th birthday and was still moaning or groaning about it 30 years later I would gently tell him to get over it.

 

I have found that people are so uncomfortable with death and grief that they do minimize it and they are very insensitive to those who are experiencing it.

:iagree: with all of this. Very well said!

 

Jackie

[Danestress]

because young children often can't distinguish and make clear judgments. The OP is in the position, knowing the parties, to know just how big of a deal this will be to her mother.

 

I personally think that losing one's mother is one of the hardest, most fundamentally life altering events of a person's life. My mother probably would say, "I want you to stay home with your son" because that's the kind of person she is. And she would mean it. So while I probably would go, I know it would be okay if I didn't.

 

But really, I can't compare having a Mom gone for a birthday that is celebrated the day before or the day after with having one's mother die. It seems sort of interesting to me. One person is dealing with the permanent loss of a mother. The other is losing a Mom for one day, though an important day. Maybe the best thing would be to say, "This taste of sorrow at having me gone is hard to deal with, but it's also something that might help you to really sympathize with how sad Granny is right now. Her Mom will miss all of the birthdays for the rest of her life, and so I am going to go take care of her, but we will have a double extra fabulous party when I get back. Let's write a note right now to Granny and tell her how sorry we are and how much we love her. I'll take it with me when I go."

[Teresa in GA]

Sorry for your loss,

My dd and I had planned a special birthday celebration and party with friends who couldn't reschedule and come at another time for various reasons. My great-grandmother passed away and the funeral was to be the exact time as my dd's birthday. We debated about changing the birthday party anyway despite those who couldn't attend. We thought about just me driving up to the funeral and my dh hosting the party by himself. And we thought about my just missing the funeral altogether.

Granted, I was not getting any pressure from my family about where I should or shouldn't be.

In the end, I choose where I wanted to be. I chose my dd's birthday and celebrated her life. Looking back now, I do have some feelings of regret that I didn't attend the funeral, but I'm also content with my ultimate decision to be there with my immediate family. Sometimes, we have to make really hard decisions and then just live with them. You know yourself and your son the best.

Bless you.

[Mom0012]

Yeah, I get that. But I guess I don't understand why people aren't saying "a 60 year old who can't handle this is too fragile of a 60 year old" if we're talking about what someone should or should not be able to understand based on age. I suppose I see how it could be *equally* as big a deal to a child as to an adult, in these circumstances, and so one shouldn't be discounted based on how much bigger a deal it looks from the outside.

 

Because the 60-year old has just lost her mother and the 9 year old is only being asked to move the date of a party.

 

Lisa

[LostSurprise]

My heart-felt condolences.

 

If this was me, my first thought would have been "why is my 9 year old so upset? Is there something about the way I am raising them or about their personality which is so inflexible that we can't celebrate the birthday a day early or a day later? Do they understand what death means? Do they know Gramma? Are they upset about her death and its coming out this way?"

 

I'm all for celebrating my children and I do, but each of them realizes that sometimes other things happen. Life is not scheduled for our individual enjoyement. We work around things. When my youngest had his first seizure I had to miss my oldest son's birthday party to take the little one to have his first EEG done. That meant my oldest missed out on having the kind of party he wanted because I had the van. He was disappointed but not upset.

 

Again, this is me. If I had any good memories about my grandmother I would move (not eliminate) the child's birthday festivities and be available for that one-time-only situation.

[RanchGirl]

Yes, she asked us to help her think through it.

 

I'm with the others who say that it is important to be at the dinner. It's obvious that it's important to your mother. Whether or not you would want people to do certain things when you are grieving is irrelevant. The person who is actually grieving needs what they need.

 

Think about it this way-if this dinner is for the children and grandchildren of the deceased are all getting together and your mom does not have you, how will that make her feel? Her siblings sitting around being supported by their children and her daughter not being there in spite of her asking you to? I don't think that's right. I also don't think she's asking something unreasonable.

 

I'm kind of surprised that people think your son is going to "remember this for the rest of his life." He may remember it but unless there's a lot of emotional baggage in his life, this one event is not going to scar him. If it does, there's a lot more going on. Eventually, he will be able to look back and understand that being sensitive to the grieving is the right thing to do.

 

Let me share this with you...My own mother did not attend my daughter's memorial service because she said she "just couldn't take it." It's been 5 years and it still really hurts that she was not there to support me.

 

I lost my grandmother last summer. I was closer to her than anyone. My dad didn't come to her funeral (it was my mom's mom) because they had plans with my stepmom's family. That really hurt as well.

 

You son may be disappointed. But, he will grow to learn that sometimes we have to sacrifice in order to serve someone else. It's not that we are not important, too, but sometimes we have to delay our own wants in order to help someone else through things.

 

Your mom will be hurt. Hurt is far more consequential and has much farther reaching implications then a temporary disappointment.

 

I'm sorry for your family's loss.:grouphug:

 

This was very nicely expressed, and I agree wholeheartedly. I think I would really regret not going to the dinner.

[Laurie4b]

In my mind, wanting support when one is grieving for the loss of a parent is a little different than celebrating a birthday.

 

:iagree:

[Laurie4b]

because young children often can't distinguish and make clear judgments. The OP is in the position, knowing the parties, to know just how big of a deal this will be to her mother.

 

I personally think that losing one's mother is one of the hardest, most fundamentally life altering events of a person's life. My mother probably would say, "I want you to stay home with your son" because that's the kind of person she is. And she would mean it. So while I probably would go, I know it would be okay if I didn't.

 

But really, I can't compare having a Mom gone for a birthday that is celebrated the day before or the day after with having one's mother die. It seems sort of interesting to me. One person is dealing with the permanent loss of a mother. The other is losing a Mom for one day, though an important day. Maybe the best thing would be to say, "This taste of sorrow at having me gone is hard to deal with, but it's also something that might help you to really sympathize with how sad Granny is right now. Her Mom will miss all of the birthdays for the rest of her life, and so I am going to go take care of her, but we will have a double extra fabulous party when I get back. Let's write a note right now to Granny and tell her how sorry we are and how much we love her. I'll take it with me when I go."

 

That's a really nice way to help a 9 year old understand.

[MelanieM]

Because the 60-year old has just lost her mother and the 9 year old is only being asked to move the date of a party.

 

Lisa

 

I do completely understand this. I think my point is less about this particular situation, and more about the (often generally expressed) idea that kids should be held to a different set of emotional standards than adults. Perhaps a better discussion for another day, and another thread, as it doesn't seem I'm able to express it clearly within the context of this particular discussion.

 

Impish, I do think you hit the nail on the head with your point about the impact of the various relationships and personalities involved.

 

To the OP, it seems as if you are listening to your heart and doing what feels right for you and your family, which is absolutely the best you can do, regardless of the situation.

[EthiopianFood]

I do completely understand this. I think my point is less about this particular situation, and more about the (often generally expressed) idea that kids should be held to a different set of emotional standards than adults. Perhaps a better discussion for another day, and another thread, as it doesn't seem I'm able to express it clearly within the context of this particular discussion.

 

If I had planned a special birthday party for my mother, and my MIL died and had a special dinner that was to include my 9-year-old on the exact same day, I would be pretty disappointed in my mother if she was unable to understand why we had to reschedule. I actually think your argument is working against you, now that I type it out... :confused:

[StephanieZ]

Assuming your extended family is small enough that this kind of drama/loss occurs infrequently, I would go to the funeral and the dinner. Birthdays are important, and you wouldn't/didn't intentionally plan a conflict. But, the entire extended family gathering for a "crisis rite" is also important. I'd go. The child will get over it. Despite our best intentions, the world does not, actually, revolve around our own kids. LOL. I think after age 2, kids have to accept this reality.

[MelanieM]

If I had planned a special birthday party for my mother, and my MIL died and had a special dinner that was to include my 9-year-old on the exact same day, I would be pretty disappointed in my mother if she was unable to understand why we had to reschedule. I actually think your argument is working against you, now that I type it out... :confused:

 

Yeah, I don't think this is the right example for my point, which was hatched in my brain after reading random comments on this thread and in another place. I do think it would be an interesting discussion, but it isn't easy to make the case in this instance as I do agree that it is different when dealing with death and the feelings of grief that are often experienced when going through such things.

 

Either way, I'm not disagreeing with anyone here on either side of the 'what would you do' fence. It can be a touchy situation, and the 'right' answer depends on a lot of different aspects, relationships and personalities.

[EthiopianFood]

Yeah, I don't think this is the right example for my point, which was hatched in my brain after reading random comments on this thread and in another place. I do think it would be an interesting discussion, but it isn't easy to make the case in this instance as I do agree that it is different when dealing with death and the feelings of grief that are often experienced when going through such things.

 

Either way, I'm not disagreeing with anyone here on either side of the 'what would you do' fence. It can be a touchy situation, and the 'right' answer depends on a lot of different aspects, relationships and personalities.

 

Okay, I understand what you mean. I do think it's an interesting point, why we might be harder on a child than on a grown person. I think I agree with you, to at least some extent. I always wonder this about babies, why their crying is meaningless, and it's okay to ignore them, but if your four year old cries, we should drop everything and fix it, even though the older child has a least a chance of understanding why you won't give them what they want. But yeah, different thread! :lol:

[Sahamamama]

But then I'm flying standby and if I missed my flight Saturday morning then I'm toast.

 

But not as far as your son is concerned. To him you would be celebrating his life, with him. And if you miss your flight and can't make it to Tennessee, you can snuggle up with your children and tell them all about your grandmother -- all the good memories -- and in that way celebrate her life with them.

 

He's ten. That isn't too young to be taught to care about others, of course, .... but to give up his mom on his actual birthday? That's tough, I think.

 

I'm sorry about your grandma passing. :grouphug:

[Mrs Mungo]

But not as far as your son is concerned. To him you would be celebrating his life, with him. And if you miss your flight and can't make it to Tennessee, you can snuggle up with your children and tell them all about your grandmother -- all the good memories -- and in that way celebrate her life with them.

 

He's ten. That isn't too young to be taught to care about others, of course, .... but to give up his mom on his actual birthday? That's tough, I think.

 

I didn't mean to sound flippant before, I guess this line of thought is just too far out of my frame of reference. :confused:

 

eta: My dh has missed lots of events, including holidays and birthdays. It's something my children have had to deal with their entire lives. That's just part of life that we can't always be where we want to be, we can't be in two places at once.

 

There is no way *I* would chance flying standby on the day of the funeral. But, again, that's me.

Edited April 2, 2010 by Mrs Mungo

[Chris in VA]

I still don't get why they couldn't just move the dinner to a Sunday Brunch or something. Perhaps people are just staying until Sunday morning and that wouldn't work?

[Jumping In Puddles]

My heart-felt condolences.

 

If this was me, my first thought would have been "why is my 9 year old so upset? Is there something about the way I am raising them or about their personality which is so inflexible that we can't celebrate the birthday a day early or a day later? Do they understand what death means? Do they know Gramma? Are they upset about her death and its coming out this way?"

 

I'm all for celebrating my children and I do, but each of them realizes that sometimes other things happen. Life is not scheduled for our individual enjoyement. We work around things.

:iagree: Well said, I agree completely!

[Sahamamama]

My daughters have "inconvenient" birthdays, LOL. My oldest daughter's birthday is in early February, but the twins were born on January 3rd! Darn. We barely recover from Christmas, and WHAM-O, WHAM-O, WHAM-O! This year, we celebrated the twins' actual birthday with a cupcake after church! We also decided to begin our "family tradition" of having "The Girls' Birthday" -- conveniently scheduled in between these two sets of dates, on a weekend that works for everyone involved. So perhaps there is something to be said for instilling the idea of flexibility about birthday celebrations.

 

BUT... that's just the way we do it here. Other families have other traditions, other habits and ways of celebrating that they value. The OP said that her nuclear family DOES make a big deal about the actual birthday date. Whether we agree with this approach or not, the son has not known any other way of seeing it up until this point. So, to him, his birthday date IS a big deal. [Yes, I agree, it's because his parents have trained him to see it that way, but that's their parenting choice, okay?] It's possible that this situation will bring about a change in the way they celebrate/prioritize birthdays, but at this point, what he knows about his family's way of celebrating is that THAT day IS a big deal. Perhaps it is time for a change or adjustment or a reappraisal of what that day really means each year.... IDK, I'm just saying....

 

For me, I want my girls to be happy with "whatever, whenever," because I think that's a more realistic way of dealing with birthdays, especially with their horrible birth dates! Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

 

In the end, though, only the OP knows how to walk that fine line between being a "good Mommy" AND being a "good daughter." Wish you well with it!

Edited April 2, 2010 by Sahamamama

[3Rivers]

Impish -- YES! Exactly. ANd you know, that is often the case with posts like this. It's impossible to know all the dynamics, all the history, the nature of the relationships and a host of other issues that are unspoken. It IS all very interesting to read all of the comments and perspectives.

 

I think the varied responses is a good example of how our opinions and values are colored by our experiences. To some it is unthinkable that one would not attend an event that is part of the ending of a generation.. To another it is equally ghastly to think of not choosing the needs of one's own child based on certain things within that relationship.

 

I finally decided to just come right out and ask my mother what she felt about it, which I can do with her and she will be honest (we live 10 min. from each other and are a part of each other's daily lives). I was surprised at how it was really not a big deal to her either way. She was thinking I wanted to be there and would feel bad about being left out. LOL WHICH IS A GREAT EXAMPLE of how email and written words are sometimes a poor tool of communication. Oh how much easier it would have been if we had just spoken over the phone. She is doing very well, as she has been prepared for this for a while and is thankful that her passing was peaceful....in addition to being surrounded by family and her sister who is her dear friend.

The issue for me, I think, in processing this was less about my mother and more about the extended family's opinions...which really shouldn't matter a whole lot in the grand scheme of things. My mother knows our circumstances and knows how many times I have tried to go see my grandmother and have kept up with her....offered to help my mom get there and help with her dog so she could be with her mother in her last days....so I've been very much a part of this whole long process...this was just one part of this whole thing.

 

I DO think that the one thing that would hurt her is if: I had the means and did not make any effort at all to participate in anything, which is hardly the case. We just had an unfortunate catastrophe in our house recently which make it impossible for me to go visit so I never got to see her before she passed, which is sad but okay....

 

So, in summary, there are always a lot of extenuating circumstances that color every situation. I love it that we can freely discuss and share our thougths and feelings on loaded topics, however. It has been helpful.

Now I'm just bracing myself to get through this weekend as peacefully as possible. Thank you for your condolences and words of comfort as well. I so enjoy this forum! :grouphug:

 

Jamie

[jazzyfizzle]

Just my opinion. I would go to the dinner. Like other's said, I would try to celebrate son's b-day ahead of time. In our house though, a 9 year old is old enough to understand the situation and learn to put other's ahead of himself. My DD just turned 9. She would certainly be able to handle me gone on her birthday one time because of a death in the family. She can understand that we would simpy celebrate her birthday, in all it's glory, on a different day. I think you should be there to support your mother. To be honest, and I know most people responded differently, but I just don't see missing a kid's birthday one time for this kind of reason as that big of a hardship for the kid. But, like I said, that would be how our family would handle it.

 

 

:iagree: