Please help me THINK through this dilemma!!!

[3Rivers]

My grandmother died yesterday. The funeral is Saturday. I just found out that my grandmother made arrangements for all of the children/grandchildren to go out to eat when everyone gathered for her funeral. That would be Friday, in Tennessee.

 

My son's 9th birthday is also Friday, here in Texas. We traditionally make that day very special and have a special family dinner and extra gifts and special things throughout the day. The other two kids have had their special days already and my son has been eagerly waiting for his.

 

We can't all travel to go to the funeral, which means I will have to fly out by myself. When I mentioned there was a special dinner and that I would have to leave for the airport at 10:30 in the morning and basically miss his whole birthday he broke down in tears, heartbroken.

 

AAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!!

My mother is pressuring me to attend the dinner in Tennessee. My son is sobbing at the thought of my leaving on his birthday. My grandmother is gone, so she doesn't care, obviously. I don't keep up with my extended family hardly at all, so this is kind of the last Hoorah. The only reason I would consider going at all is for my mother's sake.

So....whose expectations do I satisfy....my son who will have, God willing, many more birthdays....or my mother's wishes regarding my grandmother's memory?

 

My inclination is to attend to my child's feelings and catch a flight the next morning in time for the visitation, the funeral and the meal for the family later after the funeral. It would be different if someone needed me to actually do something or if I refused to go at all...but then am I "spoiling" my boy or not letting him learn that life sometimes does not go his way?

 

I don't know what to do, or maybe I know what I want to do but I lack the courage to follow through? I don't know. The other part of me says "Who cares what anyone else thinks -- I'm choosing my son!!"

But then I'm flying standby and if I missed my flight Saturday morning then I'm toast.

 

What do I do? What do I do????? I'm spinning in circles!!

I just need some objective feedback here. THANKS!!!!

[MelanieM]

I'm sorry for your loss. :grouphug:

 

If it were me, I would celebrate my son's birthday if doing otherwise would cause him great upset. But I don't believe in trying to teach little kids they can't always get what they want. If it's really important for them to learn that, then they'll learn it through life soon enough.

 

As another option, is it possible to celebrate your son's birthday a day early? Or twice? So he could have a special day on Friday, and then again when you get back? I think my kids would go for having an extended birthday celebration.

 

Good luck deciding. I'm sure whatever solution you come up with will be the perfect one, and it will all work out just fine.

Edited April 1, 2010 by MelanieM

[babysparkler]

I'm so sorry for your loss. :grouphug:

 

I'm curious what others think... for me, I would choose to be at home with my son for his birthday. No question about it. My children always come before extended family, and my extended family is very clear on that and respect me for it. I'm also not typically a "funeral-goer" as my family knows (due to childhood circumstances that I am still working through), so it wouldn't really be something that they would expect... so my situation is much different from yours. I hope others can help you talk it though a little better than I did :grouphug:.

[StartingOver]

Others may disagree, but I feel my family comes first. By that I mean my husband and my children. I would not ruin my sons birthday to attend a funeral. Funeral date can be chosen, they should have picked another day. Your family should have thought about how your son would feel to have this happen on his birthday and that he will remember it the rest of his life.

[AlmiraGulch]

My two cents: I think you stay home and make the day special for your living son. Like you said, your grandmother is dead and couldn't care less. The purpose of those post-funeral family gatherings is for family to come together and comfort one another. If you're not close to them, you'll likely feel better being with your own immediate family.

 

When my great-grandmother died, my mother and father were on a fishing trip they'd planned for quite some time. They didn't return for the funeral, and everyone in the family understood. My great-grandmother wouldn't have wanted them to interrupt their rare time alone together. It didn't mean they didn't mean they didn't love or respect her, and we all knew that.

 

Good luck with your decision, and I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandmother.

[Barb_]

Oh wow, that really is a hard thing. I'm not involved and I'm having a hard time deciding.

 

Your son is sad. He isn't pitching a fit because things aren't going his way; he's just sad. But, I don't think his sadness should affect your decision. If you would go without his birthday being in the way, I think you should still go. Explain that you need to do this for *your* mom because he may not understand that.

 

Barb

[Lolly]

Would your son be happy being allowed to celebrate his birthday a day early? Early presents, early specialness. Then, get up early and have a special on your birthday breakfast.

 

If you are an only child, the choice would be an easy one for me. Your mother is going to be needing you more than your son (imho). If you are one of many kids, it might not make as much difference. In either case, I would be leaning towards the funeral.

[Pippen]

If possible, I think I would try to celebrate his birthday on Thursday and still try to make the family gathering.

[bigdogs29906]

:grouphug:

My sympathies. I know this isn't an easy choice, and I don't have an answer for you.

 

In the interest of full disclosure ~ we are a family that rarely celebrates holidays and birthdays on the actual day. So, in our home not being available on someone's special day is pretty par for the course. We just choose an alternate day when we can all be together. My kids don't mind, we certainly still celebrate...but we do it when it works for us.

 

That being said, it sounds like that isn't how things work in your house and I can understand your son being upset. On the one hand, I can see where it might be a good idea to teach your boy flexibility and that sometimes things come up and that right now maybe your mom needs you more than he does...

On the other hand, you'd be flying off to be with people that you admit not being too close to ~ even if it was all arranged by gmother.

 

It's a tough one, and I don't envy the decision you have to make.

[abbeyej]

If possible, I think I would try to celebrate his birthday on Thursday and still try to make the family gathering.

 

I agree. This would be my first choice.

[Brigitte]

I think you need to be at that dinner, out of respect for your mom and your grandmother. Your grandmother made these arrangements before her death, so it must be of some importance to her. You also said that if you don't make the flight on Saturday morning, you will miss the whole funeral. So, you need to leave on Friday.

 

At 9, he should be able to understand that sometimes things don't go the way we want them to and we have to make difficult choices. Tell him that out of respect for the living and the dead, you need to do this.

 

Have a special afternoon with ds on Thursday, followed by a special dinner. Let him stay up until midnight and toast his birthday! On Friday morning before you leave, go out for a special breakfast.

 

Just my .02.

[Mommyof4ks]

I agree, if you can do the special birthday a day early then do that or on Sunday. Your son is old enough to understand that sometimes things don't work out like we want them too. I was sick on one of my son's birthdays, so we celebrated the next day. Your Mom is going through a alot right now and she needs you. Even if a person's death is expected it is still hard.

 

:grouphug: These decisions are hard.

[BeckyFL]

If possible, I think I would try to celebrate his birthday on Thursday and still try to make the family gathering.

 

I vote for this too. I think there's a fine balance between making a celebration special and helping children to learn to put self aside sometimes. It's a hard one for sure!

[Carrie12345]

As much as it would break my heart to do it, I'd rearrange the birthday celebration. Ds will have more birthdays. It's Grandma's very last gesture.

[HRAAB]

This might not be popular, but I would attend the family dinner and have my son's special day another day. There have been several times when my children have had something important delayed because something else conflicted. That's the way life is. Whatever day I had his party I would make very special, but I would also explain to him that it's important to grandma that I be there. I think 9 yrs. is old enough to understand.

[NancyNellen]

I agree. It's a good opportunity to teach your son that sometimes our plans have to change and that flexibility is very important. It also teaches a crucial lesson about putting others ahead of self.

 

If it were my grandmother I would want to honor her last wish.

 

By the way, my husband is almost always gone away for my oldest daughter's birthday since his family always meets that weekend for a very special horseback ride that was begun by his grandfather 50+ years ago. We've just always picked a different day to celebrate all together (while allowing her certain special things on her birthday, like choosing meals and such). It has really never been a big issue.

[Aggie]

What a difficult decision!

 

The way I would answer this question is, "What would I want my ds/dd to do when my mom passes away?"

 

Will I care if they are celebrating a child's birthday, or will I want them to be with me, for whatever reason?

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Danestress]

I think.

 

Maybe I wouldn't. But I think I would consider the loss of her mother to be of such great significance that I would go to her and cater to her even if it's not what I really most want to do. Your son will have a lot of birthdays, but your grandmother will only die once and your mother might just really need you there for reasons she can't articulate.

[nd293]

At 9, he should be able to understand that sometimes things don't go the way we want them to and we have to make difficult choices. Tell him that out of respect for the living and the dead, you need to do this.

 

Have a special afternoon with ds on Thursday, followed by a special dinner. Let him stay up until midnight and toast his birthday! On Friday morning before you leave, go out for a special breakfast.

 

 

 

:iagree:I would give him more freedom than usual to plan how he wants his celebration to look, but at 9yrs I would certainly expect him to understand that sometimes life gets in the way of what we want, as painful as that is. It's OK for him to be sad, though...

Edited April 1, 2010 by nd293
To correct formating!

[JFSinIL]

Your son. He will remember all his life if you miss his big day. Fly out the day after to see relatives. Stay home for his birthday.

[Cera]

I think a 9 year old is old enough to understand that there are occasions when plans change. Disappointment is a natural reaction and has never killed anyone.

 

My usband is in the military and has missed countless special days. We simply adjust the schedule so that we can celebrate when he gets home and have a low key affair on the actual day for whoever is present.

 

It also depends on how you spin it. I would tell him you understand his disappointment but it is something you aren't in control of and a one time, important event that you must attend. If you make Thursday his special day you can then also do a special breakfast on Friday before you leave and he can plan something special for the evening with his dad and sibs. He will, in a way, make out better than the other kids because he gets the traditional special day plus a modified special day (a 2 for 1 deal).

[burleygirl]

I am sorry for your lost.

 

I do not think this is an issue of choosing son over mother. It's about doing the right thing and helping your child understand that life happens. When it does we adjust and put others before ourselves. Your mother's mother has died. She may want you there for whatever reason. She's your mother, support her. Explain that to him, he should understand.

 

Our children are resilient. You know your son and you will know if he will be "scarred" and remember you missed "1" birthday for the rest of his life. Sounds a bit excessive and dramatic, psychobabble.

 

I agree with the others. Celebrate his birthday on another day of his choosing.

 

Just my 2 cents. I am not one of those mothers who think my child comes before everyone else and God forbid that I disappoint her. I only have the one and occasionally her birthday falls on Mother's day. Well, we celebrated another day since we went to Ohio so that I could be with my mother.

[Laurie4b]

My grandmother died yesterday. The funeral is Saturday. I just found out that my grandmother made arrangements for all of the children/grandchildren to go out to eat when everyone gathered for her funeral. That would be Friday, in Tennessee.

 

My son's 9th birthday is also Friday, here in Texas. We traditionally make that day very special and have a special family dinner and extra gifts and special things throughout the day. The other two kids have had their special days already and my son has been eagerly waiting for his.

 

We can't all travel to go to the funeral, which means I will have to fly out by myself. When I mentioned there was a special dinner and that I would have to leave for the airport at 10:30 in the morning and basically miss his whole birthday he broke down in tears, heartbroken.

 

AAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!!

My mother is pressuring me to attend the dinner in Tennessee. My son is sobbing at the thought of my leaving on his birthday. My grandmother is gone, so she doesn't care, obviously. I don't keep up with my extended family hardly at all, so this is kind of the last Hoorah. The only reason I would consider going at all is for my mother's sake.

So....whose expectations do I satisfy....my son who will have, God willing, many more birthdays....or my mother's wishes regarding my grandmother's memory?

 

My inclination is to attend to my child's feelings and catch a flight the next morning in time for the visitation, the funeral and the meal for the family later after the funeral. It would be different if someone needed me to actually do something or if I refused to go at all...but then am I "spoiling" my boy or not letting him learn that life sometimes does not go his way?

 

I don't know what to do, or maybe I know what I want to do but I lack the courage to follow through? I don't know. The other part of me says "Who cares what anyone else thinks -- I'm choosing my son!!"

But then I'm flying standby and if I missed my flight Saturday morning then I'm toast.

 

What do I do? What do I do????? I'm spinning in circles!!

I just need some objective feedback here. THANKS!!!!

 

I would go and offer your son a double birthday celebration. He gets a celebration with dad and sibs on his actual birthday to include cake and at least some gifts. He gets a second *special day* the way you usually do it, next week. Few kids can resist the double celebration.

[elegantlion]

Would you have any hesitation attending the dinner if it wasn't your ds' birthday? I am sorry for your loss. :grouphug:It's a tough decision, but life and death happen and interfere with the best of our plans.

 

I would lean toward attending the dinner and having a heart-to-heart with your ds. Then when you get home have an extra special celebration.

 

Sometimes we have to learn to set aside our own desires to be there for others. Nine is not too young to learn that. Only you can determine if this is the proper time for your family.

[newbie]

Others may disagree, but I feel my family comes first. By that I mean my husband and my children. I would not ruin my sons birthday to attend a funeral. Funeral date can be chosen, they should have picked another day. Your family should have thought about how your son would feel to have this happen on his birthday and that he will remember it the rest of his life.

:iagree::iagree:

[3Rivers]

Wow...thanks everyone for your input. I'm still debating. I'm leaninng more toward leaving on Saturday rather than Friday for these reasons that I will outline b/c it also helps ME to think more about it:

 

I'm already moving DS's party to another week "sometime" in the future, so he IS getting experience in having to think of others. He was a good sport about it, even after he had already expressed his disappointment about me having to travel earlier when she got sick. Plus he had already had to deal with disappointment earlier in the week that his best friend could not come...and then other friends were tied up and couldn't come...and then his whole party ultimately cancelled...so I think ME not being there on his birthday was going to be the final blow for him, which is why his sobs just killed me.

 

The day of birth has always been a big deal in our family. It's a tradition. Dad takes off work for it. It's a time for being together if at all possible.

 

I'm not missing the actual funeral, family visitation or meal after the service unless for some reason the flights filled up and I couldn't get on, in which case I may have to scrambe for a ticket. But so far so good. What I'm missing is an extra dinner that my grandmother had given as a gift, "her treat" she would say. So I will also be there for my mother, plus I will be helping my mother drive back, plus I will be the one with my mother on a daily basis when she is grieving...

 

We aren't able to have a birthday dinner a day early because DH has to work tomorrow night.

 

One of the biggest things is that I don't want my son's birthday associated with a funeral trip. I have a friend whose mother died on her birthday (as an adult) and her birthday now is always a time of grief and "remembering when" as a very sad time. It's not quite the same for him, but still it's a negative association. I would much rather celebrate him and give him his day and then go on and be with my extended family. I may not be there for everything, but that way I can at least be there for him AND for them.

 

Another biggie for me is that looking back, the times that I have regretted the most deeply are the times when I have not listened to my children's tears...not the whines or half-hearted moping around, but the ones where you know your child is truly grieving. Those are the times that haunt me years later.

 

So, thank you for letting me air my thoughts and my heart. It's not an easy choice, but I think I need to go with what my gut is saying even if it isn't popular with my extended family. I wish it weren't a difficult choice, or one I needed to make, but such is life.

[Chris in VA]

Did your grandmother specifically say that the grandchildren dinner needed to be on a Friday before her funeral?

 

Couldn't you explain to your cousins about your son's birthday, and ask that maybe you could all go to dinner Sunday?

[Cindyg]

The timing of the funeral can't be changed, but the celebration of the b-day can be. Go to the funeral. Do what needs to be done. (This is not a time to try to reason with the family.) Celebrate with your son any other day that he chooses. Personally, I'm not big into special dates. The joy and the fun are the same on Tuesday as they are on Thursday.

[SilverMoon]

If possible, I think I would try to celebrate his birthday on Thursday and still try to make the family gathering.

 

This is what we'd do.

[tex-mex]

Others may disagree, but I feel my family comes first. By that I mean my husband and my children. I would not ruin my sons birthday to attend a funeral. Funeral date can be chosen, they should have picked another day. Your family should have thought about how your son would feel to have this happen on his birthday and that he will remember it the rest of his life.

:iagree::iagree::iagree: Your son will not remember granny's loss... but will recall you skipping out of his bday.

[LizzyBee]

If it were me, I'd go to TN in time for the dinner, then do something really special with my son when I got home.

 

I'm sorry for your loss.

[Carol in Cal.]

I think your son trumps your grandmother, but that a death trumps a birthday.

 

My inclination would be to double his birthday celebration to make up for having it on another day, and to attend your grandmother's last wish.

 

It's very difficult, though.

[Maria from IN]

If I were your grandmother, I don't think I'd want my great-grandson to be sobbing at the thought of missing his mom on his special day just because of something I'd planned...WAY ahead of time. I'd probably tell my granddaughter to spare the little one's feelings and celebrate his birthday. Perhaps your grandmother arranged this dinner so they could all gather and share happy memories.

 

Funerals are such depressing affairs, and I'd like to know that instead of crying over me, my family and friends will be breaking bread and sharing all kinds of wonderful stories about way back when--or at least keeping me in their thoughts while celebrating life with the next of us.

 

Just my two cents...:001_smile:

[katemary63]

Just my opinion. I would go to the dinner. Like other's said, I would try to celebrate son's b-day ahead of time. In our house though, a 9 year old is old enough to understand the situation and learn to put other's ahead of himself. My DD just turned 9. She would certainly be able to handle me gone on her birthday one time because of a death in the family. She can understand that we would simpy celebrate her birthday, in all it's glory, on a different day. I think you should be there to support your mother. To be honest, and I know most people responded differently, but I just don't see missing a kid's birthday one time for this kind of reason as that big of a hardship for the kid. But, like I said, that would be how our family would handle it.

[Joanne]

I'm not sure I understand the dilemma.

 

The funeral arrangements won't change. A birthday can be celebrated at any time. We have pretty fluid birthday and holiday celebrations here due to the kids going to their Dad's, budgets, scheduling, etc.

 

Also, when my Mom died, I realized that I had made some choices in the name of immediate family that I wish I had another chance on.

[Harriet Vane]

Just my opinion. I would go to the dinner. Like other's said, I would try to celebrate son's b-day ahead of time. In our house though, a 9 year old is old enough to understand the situation and learn to put other's ahead of himself. My DD just turned 9. She would certainly be able to handle me gone on her birthday one time because of a death in the family. She can understand that we would simpy celebrate her birthday, in all it's glory, on a different day. I think you should be there to support your mother. To be honest, and I know most people responded differently, but I just don't see missing a kid's birthday one time for this kind of reason as that big of a hardship for the kid. But, like I said, that would be how our family would handle it.

 

:iagree:

[Harriet Vane]

I'm not sure I understand the dilemma.

 

The funeral arrangements won't change. A birthday can be celebrated at any time. We have pretty fluid birthday and holiday celebrations here due to the kids going to their Dad's, budgets, scheduling, etc.

 

Also, when my Mom died, I realized that I had made some choices in the name of immediate family that I wish I had another chance on.

 

:iagree:

[Cindyg]

In our house though, a 9 year old is old enough to understand the situation and learn to put other's ahead of himself. My DD just turned 9. She would certainly be able to handle me gone on her birthday one time because of a death in the family.

 

That reminded me of another thing that a my 9YO would have been able to understand: This is a service to ___ (whoever is the needy family member who needs me there. Not the one who died.)

 

By understanding that Mom (OP) needs to go as a service to [whomever], DS is also doing a service to that person.

 

This is real life. Bad things do happen on special days. And they still have to be dealt with.

 

My dad died about a year ago. I can just tell you that my mom has not been particularly reasonable ever since. Had there been some personal issue about some family member who was supposed to be there but didn't/couldn't, it would have been escalated a hundredfold. It would have been an enormous mistake.

 

Not everyone goes through the same emotions about death (and I didn't expect my mom to take it so difficultly), but that's how it happened in my family. I would go to the funeral and the dinner.

Edited April 1, 2010 by Cindyg

[KatieJ]

I am sorry for your loss.

It's a hard place to be in, but I see these kind of opportunites as teaching moments. Teaching kids about life lessons is hard, but life is hard sometimes. Something that I have observed in my younger children and their friends is that now as young working adults, they view their birthday as a world holiday. They take the day or in some case the entire week off work. I see them making choices to not get married anywhere near their birthday so they can be sure their birthday is the only thing being celebrated that month.

Is this what we want to teach our kids? That their birthday takes precedence over working or attending other events that may come up in our life? I sure did not set out to teach that to mine..but someone did.

[Nicole M]

I guess I keep wondering, when your mother leaves this world, will you want your children near you? If you go to the dinner and explain it well, your son will remember that you did a kind and generous service for your own mother.

 

Funerals aren't really about the departed. Losing your mother is a hard thing, no matter what your age. If it were me, I would go to the dinner.

[Night Elf]

Well, I am curious as to what your mom is saying about your son's birthday. Does she truly prefer to see your son devastated so you can eat a meal at a restaurant with other family members? You wouldn't be missing the funeral, only a little something-something on the peripheal of the funeral. Do you or your mother think your grandmother would think her gift of dinner would trump a great-grandson's birthday? I am seeing a very poor interpretation of what was meant to be a nice thought.

 

Is there any way you can purchase a ticket for the Saturday morning flight? That way you are guaranteed a seat and the concerns associated with that problem would no longer exist.

 

I think it's great that some families can be flexible in birthdays or other special occasions. But if a family isn't used to being that way, then expecting a 9-yr old to submit without tears or disappointment seems a very high expectation. And while parties can be moved to different dates, a birthday cannot be changed. Only one specific date is the birthday regardless of when the celebration may be. That should be taken into consideration.

 

FWIW, I am sure the OP's son is upset. Might I suggest asking his opinion on finding a resolution to the problem. Rather than force all the decisions onto him, ask him to help come up with the plan to celebrate on a different day. He might be understanding when he calms down from his initial disappointment.

 

I know life happens, but I simply cannot wrap my mind around my mom not being with me on my birthday when I was a child. I was used to my dad not being there because he lived out of state. This child is only 9 years old and while he might be able to understand more now than he did a few years ago, he is not capable of acting like an adult. Asking him to suck it up and deal with it because life happens seems so harsh. I hope the OP finds a gentler way of dealing with the situation.

[Night Elf]

I guess I keep wondering, when your mother leaves this world, will you want your children near you? If you go to the dinner and explain it well, your son will remember that you did a kind and generous service for your own mother.

 

I wouldn't feel that way. I would much prefer my daughter stay home with my grandson on his birthday than make him sad just to get to me one day earlier. In fact, I'd insist on it! I do not think that one day would make a big difference in easing my grief. In fact, knowing they were celebrating a birthday, a celebration of life, would make me feel better. Also, I wouldn't want to be the bad memory that comes back with every birthday of his after that.

[newlifemom]

I didn't read the replies, but I think you should celebrate your son's b-day and fly out Fri night after. To me it is the best of both worlds. I suppose no matter what you do, you can't win. [sorry :grouphug:]

 

I see this way as making lemonade. Now, one thing you want to remember, you are making the decision not a bunch of cyber friends. Only you know how important that dinner is. I would think spending the rest of the weekend with extended family works.

 

Again, :grouphug:

[Corraleno]

I think you need to be at that dinner, out of respect for your mom and your grandmother. Your grandmother made these arrangements before her death, so it must be of some importance to her. You also said that if you don't make the flight on Saturday morning, you will miss the whole funeral. So, you need to leave on Friday.

 

At 9, he should be able to understand that sometimes things don't go the way we want them to and we have to make difficult choices. Tell him that out of respect for the living and the dead, you need to do this.

 

Have a special afternoon with ds on Thursday, followed by a special dinner. Let him stay up until midnight and toast his birthday! On Friday morning before you leave, go out for a special breakfast.

:iagree:

Your mother just lost her mother, and she wants you to be with her and the rest of the family. And it's what your grandmother wanted as well. This is a one-time event ~ if you miss this you can't just "make it up to mom" at the next funeral, KWIM? Your son will have many many more birthdays ahead of him, and this one can be just as special and celebratory as all the others ~ it will just be a day early.

 

Jackie

[Kate CA]

Just my opinion. I would go to the dinner. Like other's said, I would try to celebrate son's b-day ahead of time. In our house though, a 9 year old is old enough to understand the situation and learn to put other's ahead of himself. My DD just turned 9. She would certainly be able to handle me gone on her birthday one time because of a death in the family. She can understand that we would simpy celebrate her birthday, in all it's glory, on a different day. I think you should be there to support your mother. To be honest, and I know most people responded differently, but I just don't see missing a kid's birthday one time for this kind of reason as that big of a hardship for the kid. But, like I said, that would be how our family would handle it.

 

:iagree:

[EthiopianFood]

I think you need to be at that dinner, out of respect for your mom and your grandmother. Your grandmother made these arrangements before her death, so it must be of some importance to her. You also said that if you don't make the flight on Saturday morning, you will miss the whole funeral. So, you need to leave on Friday.

 

At 9, he should be able to understand that sometimes things don't go the way we want them to and we have to make difficult choices. Tell him that out of respect for the living and the dead, you need to do this.

 

Have a special afternoon with ds on Thursday, followed by a special dinner. Let him stay up until midnight and toast his birthday! On Friday morning before you leave, go out for a special breakfast.

 

Just my .02.

 

My thoughts exactly.

[Melissa in Australia]

I would go to the funeral. the bible says quite plainly it is better to celebrate some-one's death than birth.

 

I have seen a funeral with only 1 person present. it was very sad. to think that nobody was there to honer their life.

[Mrs Mungo]

I guess I keep wondering, when your mother leaves this world, will you want your children near you? If you go to the dinner and explain it well, your son will remember that you did a kind and generous service for your own mother.

 

Funerals aren't really about the departed. Losing your mother is a hard thing, no matter what your age. If it were me, I would go to the dinner.

 

:iagree:

 

For me, I guess it really depends.

 

We have never lived anywhere close to our families. That has meant there have been funerals we were not able to attend.

 

I flew home from Germany to see my maternal grandmother shortly before she passed away. That meant I couldn't go right home again for the funeral.

 

My paternal grandfather was invalid and not doing well for *years* before he passed away. My dh had just returned from overseas and we were at Disney when he finally passed. It wasn't a surprise and everyone told me not to cut our vacation short, not to come home. So, I didn't go home, but I did feel pretty guilty about it.

 

My maternal grandfather just recently passed away. We canceled a huge Halloween party we had planned, I missed my dh's promotion and I wasn't with my kids for my own birthday because I did fly home. I'm really glad I did. It would have been incredibly hard on my mom if I had not been there.

[Rosie_0801]

FWIW, I am sure the OP's son is upset. Might I suggest asking his opinion on finding a resolution to the problem. Rather than force all the decisions onto him, ask him to help come up with the plan to celebrate on a different day. He might be understanding when he calms down from his initial disappointment.

 

 

:iagree:It seems very easy for 9 year old boys to feel misunderstood. Putting him in a position where he feels he has the power to do good should help, and it will be sweetened by him being able to claim some compensation.

 

Clumsily worded, I'm tired, but I hope you get the gist.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[SquirrellyMama]

I guess I keep wondering, when your mother leaves this world, will you want your children near you? If you go to the dinner and explain it well, your son will remember that you did a kind and generous service for your own mother.

 

Funerals aren't really about the departed. Losing your mother is a hard thing, no matter what your age. If it were me, I would go to the dinner.

 

:iagree: