Post c-section: what to do?

[Aubrey]

My best friend just had her first baby, & it ended up being a c-section. She's about 4.5 hrs away, so I'm not sure what to do to help.

 

She & her dh are very quiet, very private people, so I think any kind of maid help would...probably...be more of an intrusion or inconvenience. And I imagine that would be way more than I could afford anyway.

 

There are only the 3 of them, but her dh is not particularly domestically inclined (though he may learn!), & she's easily overwhelmed. Even going to visit them in a few mos seems...well...dh & I are *very* calm & quiet people, but next to our friends, we look like a herd of cattle, kwim?

 

Anyway, my q isn't about going to visit. That's WAY off in the future anyway. Is there anything that I can do from this far away that would be helpful/appreciated? I've always gone home 3hrs after my babies were born, so I'm sort-of lost here.

 

And while we're at it, let me ask about what to say. She seemed defensive on the phone the other day when she called to tell me she was going to be induced. I know natural-birth people tend to look down on people who go the hospital rte, but I don't think I fall into that category. I really think it's a personal choice--some people are absolutely more comfortable in a hosp, & I think that's fine. No, I think it's important.

 

Since it was just a feeling, though, I couldn't really tell her not to worry about what I think, her decisions are great, etc. She wanted a natural birth but had long ago accepted that that might not be possible (due to family history), so should I have said I was sorry she wasn't getting to do that? I walked a fine line between that & how exciting that you'll finally be holding your baby on Wednesday & how great it is that drs *can* induce, etc.

 

But nobody wants a c-section, right? I mean, it seems like *of course* I should express sympathy for that. I know she wanted to deliver naturally but had accepted that she might not be able to do so. I'm afraid that sympathy could come across wrong, like sounding judgmental. But maybe I'm overthinking it. She's just really quiet & hard to read at times, & w people like that...I prefer not to even mention things that we don't agree on, because I know I have a tendency to come across...too sure of myself, maybe?

 

Anyway, they *are* our best friends, they *know* we love them, but I also know they're tired & probably overwhelmed. I don't want to add negatively to the emotions they may be feeling. Or lack of sleep. Or whatever. Any suggestions?

[JudoMom]

listen to what she has to say about it. I was induced with my first due because of high blood pressure and ended up with a c-section because he was Stuck (as in they had a hard time getting him unwedged from the birth canal to delivery him via c-section). She might just be fine with it. She might not know what to think. She might be very disappointed. Everyone reacts differently. I was just happy to be unpregnant and to have a healthy boy, but I know some people who are discouraged by a c-section.

 

As far as being helpful-if possible, send her some gift certificates to restaurants that her dh can access easily. I didn't want a maid, but I always appreciated not having to cook.

[Alice]

I've had two C-sections. Personally, I didn't find the recovery very difficult. The number one help for me was meals. Our church organized meals for 8 weeks (!!!!!!!!!) after both babies and it was awesome. I know you're far away so that probably would be difficult. But you could order a meal and have it delivered to them...we had people do that with Chinese, pizza, etc. Anything was always appreciated.

 

I'm a very quiet, private person and I would have been thrilled with a maid (especially a one time service). :) But that is certainly pricey.

 

As far as what to say...I think I would have been a little offended at offerings of sympathy as I was more excited about the arrival of my son than upset at the way he arrived. I did have a tinge of feeling like a "failure" compared to my friends who were able to deliver naturally and I think if someone had expressed sympathy I would have felt more of that than I did. I would just say congratulations, ask her how she is doing and if she needs anything.

[Pata]

I also had a c-section after being induced. I was exhausted and it took a good two months for me to feel semi-normal again. I wish someone had told me that was ok and it was ok not to feel like being a brand new mom was the most wonderful thing in the world, I personally felt awful. I guess my advice is let her talk about the difficulties with no judgements, which from your post, it sounds like you are going to do!

 

Also I like the gift certificate idea. I couldn't even eat well the first week or so and people brought us food, which was nice because I didn't have to deal with food prep until my dd was 3 weeks old! Wishing your friend the best and let her know it does get better!

[Aubrey]

listen to what she has to say about it. I was induced with my first due because of high blood pressure and ended up with a c-section because he was Stuck (as in they had a hard time getting him unwedged from the birth canal to delivery him via c-section). She might just be fine with it. She might not know what to think. She might be very disappointed. Everyone reacts differently. I was just happy to be unpregnant and to have a healthy boy, but I know some people who are discouraged by a c-section.

 

As far as being helpful-if possible, send her some gift certificates to restaurants that her dh can access easily. I didn't want a maid, but I always appreciated not having to cook.

 

Thank you! I know she's fine w/ it to some degree, because she told me it was a possibility. I haven't talked to her, just her dh, who was clearly *very* tired. And then I went to bed w visions of what it would be like to watch someone you love suffer like that when you can't help.

 

Again, maybe I'm overthinking--I just didn't want to say Congratulations *only* if that would come across as unfeeling, kwim?

[Danestress]

While it may be true that no one wants a C-Section, I do think expressing sympathy for that is unnecessary. This was her birthing experience. I had to have a C-Section, and when people expressed sympathy, it seemed really weird to me. It was not the birth experience I had wanted, but I was holding a perfect, beautiful, beloved child in my arms (two actually, though only one was by C-section) and it just seemed silly for people to be sympathetic. I'd hit the jackpot!

 

I really think that the best "help" people gave was to call and say, "I'm running to the grocery - can I pick up anything for you?" and to let me PAY for it so that I felt like I could say "actually, yes!" But obviously you can't do that for someone so far away. I dont know what to suggest, actually. Maybe delivered meals from one of those food prep places? I only had two meals brought (I was a vegetarian, so maybe people were intimidated?) and don't recall that being a big deal. DH and I managed to cook some, order some, and eat sandwiches.

 

Maybe just send lots of love, a nice gift, and express your joy - it's hard to really help from afar.

[LizzyBee]

I can only offer my experience, so I don't know if it will be helpful. I had an emergency c-section after being induced with my third, but I didn't see any need for people to respond differently than they did with my first two. I would not have chosen to have a c-section, but I was thrilled to have a healthy baby. Now that I think about it, I was thrilled just to wake up, because I faded out pretty quickly after the delivery and I truly thought I was dying. But after the first day, my recovery was no different than with my other babies. Really, I would just express how happy you are with the birth and not focus at all on the c-section unless your friend brings it up and wants to talk about it. Since you don't live nearby, a great gift would be a fruit basket delivered to their home. That was one of my favorite gifts after one of my children was born.

[Aubrey]

As far as what to say...I think I would have been a little offended at offerings of sympathy as I was more excited about the arrival of my son than upset at the way he arrived. I did have a tinge of feeling like a "failure" compared to my friends who were able to deliver naturally and I think if someone had expressed sympathy I would have felt more of that than I did. I would just say congratulations, ask her how she is doing and if she needs anything.

 

I'm *really* glad to know this! That's EXACTLY what I don't want to do--make her feel like a failure. I just felt like I ought to acknowledge that she'd had major surgery or something. But I do tend to put my foot in my mouth & not say *at all* what I mean, so I'm really glad I asked here.

 

*Just* congratulations is okay?

[Aubrey]

I can only offer my experience, so I don't know if it will be helpful. I had an emergency c-section with my third, but I didn't see any need for people to respond differently than they did with my first two. I would not have chosen to have a c-section, but I was thrilled to have a healthy baby. Now that I think about it, I was thrilled just to wake up, because I faded out pretty quickly after the delivery and I truly thought I was dying. But after the first day, my recovery was no different than with my other babies. Really, I would just express how happy you are with the birth and not focus at all on the c-section unless your friend brings it up and wants to talk about it. Since you don't live nearby, a great gift would be a fruit basket delivered to their home. That was one of my favorite gifts after one of my children was born.

 

Thank you! I guess I imagined that the c-section should be acknowledged in addition to the new baby, the same as I'd acknowledge my g'parents having surgery, kwim? I'm glad I haven't talked to her yet--I certainly would have said the wrong thing!

[Mamagistra]

But nobody wants a c-section, right?

 

Well, a lot of women do want them out of convenience, or thinking that they're preserving, um, parts by taking an alternate route. :001_huh: Hm...major surgery or natural changes to the body? :eek: Just imagining it makes me cringe, so I won't rant... (And to be clear, I'm referring to ELECTIVE cesareans here, not the situation of your friend.)

 

I agree that some gift cards or possibly some errand-running or frozen meals would bless your friends greatly. :)

[JFSinIL]

 

Oh, yes to this! I have had three c-sections - and FOOD was much appreciated.

Since youa re not close enough to run over a meal, gift certificates are the next best thing. Just check on-line to see which restaurants are close.

[Sue G in PA]

than if she had a natural birth. End result? A healthy baby! My first was an unplanned c-section and I was depressed about it for over a year. I felt robbed. It wasn't until I had a natural, home-birth with my 2nd 18mos. later that I felt "healed" emotionally from the c-section disappointment. BUT, that was me! Many women elect c-sections these days and many just don't really care how the baby comes out as long as it is healthy! Just say Congratulations and ooh and ahh over the baby pix if she sends any, etc. Ask her how she's feeling (you'd expect that after ANY birth), and ask her specifically what she needs! Gift cards, meal delivery, etc. all sound like great ideas for "far away" gifts. I would imagine if she is disappointed in her birth experience at all...she would talk about it...esp. with you! But, until she comes to you...just be happy for her and her new baby!

[Closeacademy]

Meals--if there is any way you can send a meal over I am sure it would be appreciated, especially if it is something they can reheat.

 

I did 2 c-sections. The first one was after pushing for several hours. If she did the whole labor and pushing thing--I am sure she is tired and hurts all over.

 

So my main needs in the first 2 months were:

 

quick and easy meals

somebody to come and do laundry and dishes

Sleep, sleep, and lots of rest

a good stack of library books to read while I was nursing the baby

and someone going through the house with a broom once in a while was great too.

 

What I didn't want:

 

Visitors when the baby was sleeping because we were sleeping too.

People who wanted to come and see the baby and wanted me to "entertain" them. (Visitors who helped were always appreciated if we were not sleeping.)

 

 

Everyone is different though and you may want to ask her what she wants or needs. I have a friend who likes to isolate for 2 months and have no contact with the outside world after a baby is born. They don't even want hospital visitors.

 

I respect that. Now other friends like lots of visitors.

[lollie010]

My first was an unplanned c-section and I was depressed about it for over a year.

 

I too went through a difficult time emotionally after having an emergency c-section. And to some degree I agree with acknowledging the c-section as you would any other surgery. For me the recovery was quite difficult physically, also. I may be off base here, but as far as doing something special for her, I would consider something that might help with the bonding process. I was in so much pain that it was hard to concentrate on the baby for a little while. Someone sent me some natural soaps and lotions (unscented) and a beatiful robe (along with permission to stay in the robe for two weeks). I also enjoyed getting items that supported breastfeeding. I think that sometimes the stress of surgery can make bf difficult right at first. These are things that might be helpful to any new mom, but especially a mom who is healing from the emotional and physical aspects of an unplanned c-section.

 

Just the fact that you care enough to ask makes you an amazing friend.

Laurel

[Alice]

Came back to add...I forgot a great present my SIL gave me. She bought a bunch of magazine (including all the guilty pleasure mags like Vogue) and then gave them to me. Each one was rolled up and tied with a bow. The idea was that I could open a new one every day. It was great for me because I love to read but found that after the Csection and with the new baby I had trouble focusing on a book. The magazines were perfect for reading as I nursed. Also, the way she packaged it gave me something to look forward to every day.

[Rhonda in TX]

I didn't want c-sections, but the most important thing is that I was healthy and so were my children. It drove me crazy when people would say they were sorry that it happened that way. It absolutely didn't matter to me that they were cut out of me rather than being pushed. And, hey, I was able to sit down right away. :)

 

If she expresses sorrow about having a c-section, you should of course commiserate with her, but don't jump to conclusions about how she feels about it.

 

BTW, my MIL had a c-section with DH and thinks "it's the only way to go". While I didn't want c-sections, she was thrilled for me! LOL

[Aubrey]

If she expresses sorrow about having a c-section, you should of course commiserate with her, but don't jump to conclusions about how she feels about it.

 

She's been telling me throughout the pg that she knew a c-section was a possibility but that she *really* didn't want to do it that way, so that part's not a question. I just don't want to even remotely give her the impression that I think she's anything but AMAZING.

 

She had to be induced (didn't want that) after going 2 weeks past her due date (NOBODY wants that!) and had pushed ALL DAY before the c-section. I really, really want to be supportive & helpful. Honestly, I'd drive down there & cook & do her laundry if I thought it would help. But w 3 dc of my own...well, it wouldn't!

 

Thank you all so much for helping me be delicate. I'm sure she'd understand & forgive me if I said the wrong thing, but...well...I'd like to say the RIGHT thing!

 

So, congratulations on the baby, meal gift certificates, how are you feeling, what can I do. Got it!:001_smile:

[Jackie in AR]

I didn't want c-sections, but the most important thing is that I was healthy and so were my children. It drove me crazy when people would say they were sorry that it happened that way. It absolutely didn't matter to me that they were cut out of me rather than being pushed. And, hey, I was able to sit down right away. :)

 

If she expresses sorrow about having a c-section, you should of course commiserate with her, but don't jump to conclusions about how she feels about it.

 

 

I've had 3 c-sections, and I agree. Does it really matter how a woman goes from being pregnant to holding that/those newborn(s) in her arms? No, it doesn't and I can't for the life of me figure out why anyone would judge someone else's birthing experience.

 

You are a good friend, Aubrey, to want to help and be supportive. :001_smile:

[Staci in MO]

If you can afford to send her gift certificates for a restaurant that delivers or offers convenient carry-out, that would probably be greatly appreciated.

 

I had my heart set on a natural delivery, but it became very clear that that was not going to happen. But like the others, I was so thrilled with my healthy babies that I really wasn't focused on how they got here.

 

The only time I have ever felt defensive about having c-sections is when someone implied that they wouldn't have been necessary if I had been better informed or if I had had a better doctor. It's very clear that you don't feel that way, but if your friend is tired and hormonal, and if she's already had someone make her feel bad - like the home-health nurse that told me that "some women just aren't meant to have babies" - a genuine offer of sympathy might hit her wrong.

 

Congratulate her on her healthy baby, ask her how she's feeling, ask how the baby's doing, and tell her you can't wait to meet her child. Your sensitivity to this shows how much you care about her.

[Lolly]

Just let her know that you can't wait to hear her birth story. I have yet to meet a new mother who wasn't ready to tell their story.

 

Out of 3 deliveries, my c-section was actually the easiest for me to recover from. The only hard thing afterwards was getting out of bed in the morning. After I was on my feet, I was absolutely fine. As far as gifts go, anything a new mother would enjoy would be perfect.

 

You sound like a marvelous friend to have.

[Rhonda in TX]

So, congratulations on the baby, meal gift certificates, how are you feeling, what can I do. Got it!:001_smile:

 

You are a good friend. She will really appreciate anything you do for her. :001_smile:

[Guest Amy in MS]

Hi there,

I would take meals. I had 4 c-sections--wanted to have home-births, but that couldn't happen. I wouldn't express sympathy about the section. She had a healthy baby, congratulate her! If she's disappointed about the section, let her talk to you about it, but don't make her feel like she did something wrong, or that it was a tragedy. That would have Crushed me.

 

What's the focus? New baby! Wonderful! Here, eat something. (big grin!)

 

Amy

[Aubrey]

You guys are great. Thank you SO much. You've given me lots of great ideas for gifts, What Not to Say, etc.

 

This is my favorite, though: "New baby! Wonderful! Here, eat something. (big grin!)"

 

Sounds a little like "Pass the bean dip"--maybe that's why it made me laugh.

 

Thanks again, everybody!