A home for their hearts Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 I've come to realize that I don't really have any bounderies with my dc...I've pretty much let them get away with anything since birth. They are pretty good kids but I believe I need to start setting some limitations. I need some ideas for if the do a then b happens. Any suggestions? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 You could make an If/Then chart. Doorposts makes one with scripture, but if you prefer a more secular one, you can make one yourself. Have it say, "If you..." then list infractions (hit your brother, smart off to Mom, etc) then make another column, list the penalty for the infraction. This helps MOM remember to follow through, too. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KIN Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 I like natural and also logical consequences. An example of a natural consequence - "Oh, you didn't put your bike away and it is now missing? Sorry, no, I won't be buying you a new bike." An example of a logical consequence - "You decided to throw a fit and not pick up your toys today so I'll put them away. Oh, you won't be able to have them back for several days." Or, "You decided to talk mean to me, so you have lost the privilege to speak for 10 minutes." These are the sort of things we use at our house for consequences. We also spank, especially in the toddler/preschool years. If you give examples of the types of problems you are having in your home, you may get better answers. I've also found that having a daily routine cuts out a lot of problems - they know what is expected and when it is expected. I have a lot less arguing and temper problems when we are in our usual routine. HTH! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emmy Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 I am by no means an expert but my kids are similar in age to yours. I find I am most successful when I tell them what I expect up front and give them a pep talk. I.E. We are getting ready to go into the library. I expect you to behave properly - no running, no yelling, no rolling on the floor. If you do any of those things or make a scene here is what will happen etc (for the library example it would usually mean they would not get books or we would leave). At home I have a little peg chart with the kids names across the top and they lose certain privileges for disobedience. I give warnings but also expect them to obey once I have reminded them that XYZ is not acceptable. It's worked fairly well although I wouldn't say it's perfect by any means. I also try to explain why they need to obey or do what I'm asking so they don't think I'm just randomly throwing out decrees LOL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adrianne Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 Can you give some specific examples of problems? I find that a lot of serious problems are the caused by a "heart issue": usually I do not want to do this mom! or I am not getting what I want! or I am having a bad day! These usually resolve after some time alone and/or a heart to heart. (does Jesus want us to act this way?) In our home, at 5, ds usually sits on the steps in a time out for most things. Poor attitudes - loss of TV time (they only get 30 mins a day) crying/whining - steps/bed hitting, name calling, etcetera - 1st infraction - appologize and time out, 2nd - loss of 5 mins of TV time, 3rd - to your room for a while and a heart to heart. Lies - we do not have too much trouble with this but if we do I usually give a time out. Most things except hitting, et cetera get warning. With whining, usually I give a reminder, "you know you are whining" and it stops. When young sometimes they need to be reminded. I do spank when nothing else works and I need to get my message across. These times are rare. Now for my 9yo, he just usually loses loss of priviledges or extra chores. Time outs do not work at this age. At his age because of constant correction, a look usually does the trick. I hope this helps! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A home for their hearts Posted March 24, 2008 Author Share Posted March 24, 2008 I'm having trouble with bad attitudes, doing things the first time you are told without asking why, keeping toys, and their rooms picked up, talking mean to each other. That's all I can think of for now Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 Honestly, I think you can just add in discipline (teaching/guiding, natural/logical consequences, being firm/consistent) rather than coming up with poor parenting habits like punishment. It will temporarily be a little more work as you train the children but then it'll be in place and easier to maintain. And really, you'll be happier when your kids are behaving for good reasons rather than to avoid punishment. And it'll give them life skills and tools rather than having to learn real world discipline later. This is especially important. Look how many kids really struggle as teens and young adults when they have to learn real world discipline after being controlled by punitive consequences (or threats or bribes or rewards). For the specific things you mentioned: I'd sit them down and tell them that you really appreciate how well behaved they are and a joy they are generally but that there are some areas you'd like to see change. 1) Each time they are told to do something, the answer is "yes mom" (or whatever y'all use) and to go do it. You will entertain discussion after they comply if they feel they need to say something about it. This is temporary for your older two as you want them to occasionally broach the subject appropriately before complying but teach them obedience first and then you can tweak it. 2) Have a routine for keeping up toys/rooms. Have set times a day that that gets done before anything else happens. The world stops until it's done. Before a meal, outside time, etc may be best. Make sure it's often enough that it's not an overwhelming chore. You may need to train them HOW to do it, make a poster of what all must be done, etc. 3) Teach them to "bless" one another daily (maybe twice a day!). If they are looking for opportunities to do something extra nice for their sibling, they are not being mean. Also, each time they are talking meanly, they can restate themselves appropriately. I hope these help a little. Remember that it didn't take a day for them to get to this point and it won't be an overnight change. The 3 yo will likely be the first to behave, probably taking him only a week or two if you are extra consistent in helping him comply IMMEDIATELY, the first time every time. The other two will come along if you are consistent. HTHs, Pamela Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dayle in Guatemala Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 I'm having trouble with bad attitudes, doing things the first time you are told without asking why, keeping toys, and their rooms picked up, talking mean to each other. That's all I can think of for now It sounds like you just need to tighten ship. A few suggestions: 1. Make your expectations clear. Sit down with them and let them know what your expectations are. (ie: chore chart for picking up rooms and toys throughout the day etc.) 2. Make you expectations about their behavior towards each other clear as well as the consequences. "If you talk mean to your sister/brother, then you will have to...(fill in your consequence here)" Some suggestions: when my dc are unkind to each other then they will have to do something kind for that person, like one of their chores. I've had wonderful results from that, I can tell you! 3. Let them know that this is their warning. After this, you will not be repeating yourself when you ask them to do something, you will make sure that the appropriate consequence is administered, whatever that will be. If you feel you need to give them a little time to get used to the new rules, give them a week or so, but, after that make it crystal clear that no more warnings will be given. 4. Bad attitudes are sometimes a result of unclear boundaries. I know that when I'm not as on top of it as I should be then I'm random in my boundaries with my dc. Because of that, I'm unpredictable in what I will discipline and what I won't. That seems unfair to them, hence the bad attitudes. So, that's why I don't give a lot of warnings or chances, I, personally, have a hard time following through at that point. If I give out chances to one,then I better be fair and give out the exact same amount of chances to all or there's attitude! Anyway, that's been my experience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 I've come to realize that I don't really have any bounderies with my dc...I've pretty much let them get away with anything since birth. They are pretty good kids but I believe I need to start setting some limitations. I need some ideas for if the do a then b happens. Any suggestions? I'm having trouble with bad attitudes, doing things the first time you are told without asking why, keeping toys, and their rooms picked up, talking mean to each other. That's all I can think of for now What do the "bad attitudes" look and act like? On doing what you say, I agree. I don't really care about a "why" quesition as long as the child is moving in compliance. First, though, I'd start with this: http://goybparenting.com/?page_id=40 For cleaning and chore issues, I depend on a routine of morning, afternoon and evening chores. That, combined with nothing else happens (nothing fun) until expected, age reasonable chores are completed to standard. Being kind to each other takes time, practice and modellig. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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