How best to honor mother/grandmother who criticize my parenting?

[lakotajm]

I am struggling lately with how to respond without defensiveness and rudeness when my mother and grandmother criticize my parenting. It is very frustrating and emotional. I spend alot of time with both, so it probably happens more often and in a way I can't easily escape compared to many out there. I live with my mom and we visit my grandmother for 2 full days every week.

 

They weren't all that pleased about the homeschooling, though they have laid off the comments quite a bit in the past year. I am religious/Christian and my mom is pagan/agnostic/polytheistic/doesn't care. My grandmother is overly servant-minded when it comes to parenting. She's the classic martyr-needs to be needed. She feels I should be doing everything for my kids every minute of the day, even when they are purely suffering from their own poor choices. She wants me to be a cross between June Cleaver and Mother Theresa. My mom is more new-agey and still stuck in the self-esteem movement and of the notion that kids can decide many things for themselves, should never be made to say thank you or sorry, etc. Also, she criticizes me for not being good with deadlines or messages and for being too spontaneous.

 

And now it has just gotten worse because I have begun to go with dd6 to a Christian counselor, which my mom feels is offensive because I am saying to my child that she is not "normal" (oh, please-way to start her off on a positive note with the counselor.)

 

I try to keep the responses short and sweet, but sometimes it is hard. I wasn't exactly brought up to do so, as my mom and grandparents had the same problem when we were kids. My mom couldn't parent right, according to my grandparents, and if she did stuff she knew they would object to we were expected to keep it to ourselves. She would occassionally rant about her arguments with her parents. And our family is an open arguing type family, so HELP! how can I curb my responses, and is there any way out of this to peace and confidence in myself as a parent without feeling the constant irritation of being attacked?

 

Lakota

[MSNative]

Yikes. Not a fun situation for you. Biggest suggestion - pray...pray early and often! :) God can get you through this and may be using this situation to do amazing things in your family that you can't even imagine. (cheesy sounding I know, but that thought helps me stay calm, sweet and loving when inside I really want to yell and scream and yes, even smack someone who is really asking for it)

 

On a positive note, it sounds like you have two strong ladies in your life who do want the best for you and you kids. Plus, they seem to be backing off the hs criticism b/c they see it working or they see you sticking to your guns. Perhaps the same will happen with the parenting. That's my passive approach - just keep making your decisions and enforcing your choices.

 

However, since you do spend so much time with them and they could be undermining your parental authority (unknowingly or not) you may not be able to take a purely passive approach. Would they be open to a calm, honest discussion? Something along the lines of "I love that you care so much about me and my kids. It's great that we are all so close, despite the fact that we are such different people. I think this is because we each respect and appreciate each other's differences and choices. I really appreciate it when you respect and support my parenting decisions. It also helps when you talk to me in private about areas where you think I may be heading in a wrong direction, rather than addressing them in front of the kids...blah blah."

 

With my family, I find it helps to stay really positive and frame things in the best possible way. It gets the message across without hurting any feelings. When I nag or attack, things get much worse. Plus, if your family is an arguing family, then a frontal assault is just asking for a big fight. Avoiding that may be a way to get them to actually hear what you're saying rather than reacting.

 

Hope this helps. I'd give you a cyberhug, but for some reason my comp. isn't allowing me to do that. :)

[JVA]

I appreciate your loving attitude. That goes a long way to show them honor. A good place to start is with these 2 great books. They're in my library and might be in yours:

 

Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1265594767&sr=1-1

 

The Mom Factor - same authors

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Factor-John-Townsend/dp/0310225590/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1265594767&sr=1-10

 

The authors are Christians and give great ideas how to deal with exactly what you're facing. I highly recommend them. These helped me with difficult family members and things are better.

[rookie]

Sorry, but WHY do you have to spend do much time with them? Even if you are living with your Mom, you could stay in "your area" with the door closed, hs at a library (park, coffee shop, friend's house, etc.), and not go to the 2xweek visits to your grandmas. As a matter of fact, if you stayed home on those two days, you would avoid both.

 

You can honor your mother by speaking the truth - calmy and respectfully - but completely clearly: Mom, You MAY NOT from this moment forward tell me what to do with my kids. You MAY NOT make any derisive comment about me/my parenting in front of the children and/or myself. I WILL NOT be visiting with grandma anymore until BOTH of you can control your tongues. When you can assure me that you will both keep all comments, eye rolls, sighs, etc., to yourselves, I will resume visiting as it is convenient for MY schedule with MY children.

 

And then, DO. NOT. BUDGE. ONE. INCH. It does not honor anyone to allow people to undermine you and your parenting. It does not protect your number one priority - raising your children the best way that YOU can. They do not have to agree - they just MAY NOT comment.

 

But saying that you "have to" is acting as if you have no free will. There are choices that you can make here. They will not be easy because you have allowed your Mom and Grandma to live a lie - the lie that there are no appropriate boundaries and you will accept their disrespect. You can't make them change, but YOU CAN change and refuse to be allow then to dishonor you in front of your kids (or in private for that matter).

[tex-mex]

I have found the minute you allow others into your daily life -- it opens you up for judgement. It is the side effect of having to live with your mom? Is there a way to solve this via a mediator? If not, I'd find a way to be on my own. Or find another roommate. But that may force you to stop hsing? Hang in there. :grouphug:

[lakotajm]

Sorry, but WHY do you have to spend do much time with them? Even if you are living with your Mom, you could stay in "your area" with the door closed, hs at a library (park, coffee shop, friend's house, etc.), and not go to the 2xweek visits to your grandmas. As a matter of fact, if you stayed home on those two days, you would avoid both.

 

But saying that you "have to" is acting as if you have no free will. There are choices that you can make here. They will not be easy because you have allowed your Mom and Grandma to live a lie - the lie that there are no appropriate boundaries and you will accept their disrespect. You can't make them change, but YOU CAN change and refuse to be allow then to dishonor you in front of your kids (or in private for that matter).

 

I have to live with my mom because our house was destroyed and we are rebuilding-there isn't any other viable solution right now-we cannot afford any other. There are few closeable doors here. She is not here every day, luckily. But when she is here, it is very close quarters. the place is a one-bedroom house, even small for that. She sleeps on the floor with the two littles when she is here.

 

We go to granny's every week because it is where we do all our "town" stuff. It is the biggest closest town. It is where we do library, sports, homeschool coop, groceries, etc. So we stay overnight Thursday nights and usually Friday also. So it is usually Thurs. 3 pm to Saturday morning, depending on what's on the schedule. She has cable tv, and that's another issue we have trouble setting limits with-though she's not too concerned either way-just doesn't like enforcing limits. Then there's all the processed and fried foods. Geesh.

 

We are hoping all this gets better when we finish building our house on the farm. Then we will be closer to big town B and probably see my mom once a week after church for dinner and board games like before. And see my granny every other week like before, unless switching sports leagues/Tae Kwon Do studios is too troublesome. But it will likely be another year.

 

 

Lakota

[MeganW]

Sorry, but WHY do you have to spend do much time with them? Even if you are living with your Mom, you could stay in "your area" with the door closed, hs at a library (park, coffee shop, friend's house, etc.), and not go to the 2xweek visits to your grandmas. As a matter of fact, if you stayed home on those two days, you would avoid both.

 

You can honor your mother by speaking the truth - calmy and respectfully - but completely clearly: Mom, You MAY NOT from this moment forward tell me what to do with my kids. You MAY NOT make any derisive comment about me/my parenting in front of the children and/or myself. I WILL NOT be visiting with grandma anymore until BOTH of you can control your tongues. When you can assure me that you will both keep all comments, eye rolls, sighs, etc., to yourselves, I will resume visiting as it is convenient for MY schedule with MY children.

 

And then, DO. NOT. BUDGE. ONE. INCH. It does not honor anyone to allow people to undermine you and your parenting. It does not protect your number one priority - raising your children the best way that YOU can. They do not have to agree - they just MAY NOT comment.

 

But saying that you "have to" is acting as if you have no free will. There are choices that you can make here. They will not be easy because you have allowed your Mom and Grandma to live a lie - the lie that there are no appropriate boundaries and you will accept their disrespect. You can't make them change, but YOU CAN change and refuse to be allow then to dishonor you in front of your kids (or in private for that matter).

 

 

:iagree: The job that God has chosen for you is to parent these children. Even when it is hard. You have to choose these kids over your mom & grandma.

 

"Thanks for your opinion. We will consider it when WE make OUR decision."

 

"Mom, I really don't want to discuss this in front of the children."

 

Be kind but FIRM.

 

Don't enter discussions about things that aren't up for debate!

[Harriet Vane]

:iagree: The job that God has chosen for you is to parent these children. Even when it is hard. You have to choose these kids over your mom & grandma.

 

"Thanks for your opinion. We will consider it when WE make OUR decision."

 

"Mom, I really don't want to discuss this in front of the children."

 

Be kind but FIRM.

 

Don't enter discussions about things that aren't up for debate!

 

:iagree:

[hillfarm]

I agree that you need to have a few pre-rehearsed answers on tap.

 

"Thanks for your concern. I will take it under consideration."

 

"It's nice that you love (child's name) so much, but Grandmother love is different from Mother love. I need to help her learn self control and restraint so she can be a happy adult also."

 

"Children left to decide everything for themselves eat way too much sugar, watch way too much television, and have a very hard time transitioning into adulthood. I love (child's name) so much that I am willing to do the hard work to help him find a better way."

 

And then I would stick with these answers and nothing else. No arguments, no justifications, no other comments. Eventually they will learn that you will not be engaged on these topics and will leave it alone.

[Mom In Missouri]

I appreciate your loving attitude. That goes a long way to show them honor. A good place to start is with these 2 great books. They're in my library and might be in yours:

 

Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1265594767&sr=1-1

 

The Mom Factor - same authors

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Factor-John-Townsend/dp/0310225590/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1265594767&sr=1-10

 

The authors are Christians and give great ideas how to deal with exactly what you're facing. I highly recommend them. These helped me with difficult family members and things are better.

 

:iagree: These two books are well worth the time to read them and carve every bit of info you can use from them. I'd actually encourage you to consider purchasing a used copy of both for furture reference.

 

It helped me to be able to respond in an appropriate manner to both my own mother and DH's mother in a respectful way.

[Dobela]

I have to live with my mom because our house was destroyed and we are rebuilding-there isn't any other viable solution right now-we cannot afford any other. There are few closeable doors here. She is not here every day, luckily. But when she is here, it is very close quarters. the place is a one-bedroom house, even small for that. She sleeps on the floor with the two littles when she is here.

 

We go to granny's every week because it is where we do all our "town" stuff. It is the biggest closest town. It is where we do library, sports, homeschool coop, groceries, etc. So we stay overnight Thursday nights and usually Friday also. So it is usually Thurs. 3 pm to Saturday morning, depending on what's on the schedule. She has cable tv, and that's another issue we have trouble setting limits with-though she's not too concerned either way-just doesn't like enforcing limits. Then there's all the processed and fried foods. Geesh.

 

We are hoping all this gets better when we finish building our house on the farm. Then we will be closer to big town B and probably see my mom once a week after church for dinner and board games like before. And see my granny every other week like before, unless switching sports leagues/Tae Kwon Do studios is too troublesome. But it will likely be another year.

 

 

Lakota

I am so sorry that your house was destroyed. That in itself would be stressful. If you still have power on our property have you considered borrowing a travel trailer to live in? The space would still be small, but you would be independent. We have had friends do that for major remodels. My aunt and uncle even lived in a converted horse trailer when they had to rebuild after a tornado.

 

I also understand the distance. My grandmother lives in SEMO and the nearest grocery store is 30 miles away from her town of 400. They don't even have a bank branch any more.