Anyone want to share positive adoptive stories?

[stripe]

I disagree. I think a child not being separated from an abusive, unfit parent is far more tragic than a child being raised by adoptive parents in a healthy, loving home. I will probably go down in flames for this, but I think our culture tends to fetishize birthparents and consider adoptive parents as somehow second best, and I don't get it. To me, a "parent" is the person who parents a child. Why is a woman, who might smoke and drink and take drugs for 9 months while carrying a child she considers an unfortunate mistake, a more real "mother" than the one who raises that child? Why is a child who was raised by a loving adoptive family more tragic and unlucky than a child raised by abusive biological parents???

A biological parent IS a special relationship, and I believe it has a serious significance, no matter how horrible a person may behave. That being said, someone who takes care of a child is a great person, especially when that child is not the caregiver's own biological child. That is a great, great thing.

 

Let's imagine someone who adopts a child at birth, where the child never suffered at the hands of the birth parents -- because they decided to give him up before he was born, and the child never has had anything to do with him. I could imagine that for some such children, just the idea that one's own parents did not want him, is a bit unsettling at best. Human children are not puppies or house plants; it's not really normal in American society to give them to someone else to raise and cease having anything to do with them. It may end up being a happier situation as a result -- even a MUCH happier situation, but it grew from a trauma.

 

I don't think I need to compare, this parent > that parent, or this trauma > that trauma, in order to understand that there is something unfortunate and not ideal that happens when a parent is unwilling and unable to care for their own child.

 

I'm not denigrating those who do feel that pain and rejection; for many people I'm sure it's very real. But I totally disagree that it's inevitable, or that there is a deep tragic hole in the heart of every adopted child.

Well, I didn't say it was inevitable; but I think for a child to feel that his/her parent did not want him/her, for example, is a pretty rough thing, and so some children may suffer as a result.

 

I think it's not fair to declare that any sad event may be better for everyone so no one should feel any pain. Be it a mastectomy, a divorce, a move across the country, or an adoption. Many events couple pain with happiness; adoption is, in most cases, one such situation.

[Corraleno]

A biological parent IS a special relationship, and I believe it has a serious significance, no matter how horrible a person may behave.

 

Well, my relationship with my biological mother is only "special" in the sense of being extremely strained and dysfunctional. There has never been any "bond" there, even when I was very young. I have absolutely nothing in common with her, my own values and beliefs are polar opposites of hers, and if it were up to me I'd have nothing to do with her at all. In fact, I had no contact with her for years, but lately my sister has been "ambushing" me by arranging for my mother to be present when I visit. I am much closer to my stepmother, who was more of a mother to me than my biological mother ever was.

 

That being said, someone who takes care of a child is a great person, especially when that child is not the caregiver's own biological child. That is a great, great thing.

There seems to be an assumption here that adopting a child or parenting a child that's "not your own" is a "good deed" or that it takes uncommon courage or a special kind of person or something. Why? My relationship with my daughter is exactly the same as my relationship with my biological son. If there's something inherently "special" or irreplaceable about the relationship between a child and his/her biological parents, then why do I feel exactly the same way about my adopted daughter?

 

I think for a child to feel that his/her parent did not want him/her, for example, is a pretty rough thing, and so some children may suffer as a result.

Of course some children will suffer, especially if they know for a fact that their birthparents "didn't want them." My birthmother told me pretty much every day that I was unwanted, and of course I suffered. But I never let that define me, I don't go through life dwelling on the fact that I was rejected by my birthmother. It is what it is, and life goes on.

 

I don't understand why adoptees who don't know that this was the case, though, would automatically assume they were unwanted? I think most birthparents give up their children so that the children will have a better life than what they can provide. They give the children up out of love, not disinterest, so if an adoptee who didn't know the circumstances of their relinquishment were going to make assumptions about the reasons for it, it would make more sense to assume that their birthparents were simply not in a position to care for them, rather than assuming they were unwanted or rejected.

 

Jackie

[Sputterduck]

My dh was adopted at birth and has never felt a "hole" in his life. His parents are his parents; his brother is his brother - end of story. He's never had the urge to find his bio-parents. His brother wasn't adopted and he's never felt any different. He and his brother are very close; they hang about once or twice every week. He's also close with his mom and dad.

 

This is definitely a positive adoption story. Every member of dh's family is equally a part of the family. There is no adoption pain, hole, or feeling like an outsider.

 

We don't feel that biology is an important aspect of what makes a family.

 

Adding: The one thing dh does feel is gratefulness. He is beyond grateful that the very young woman who gave birth to him decided to give him up for adoption. He is very thankful for the life that he has and he knows it is because of her sacrifice. I'm grateful, too :)

 

 

I'm glad a good story exists.

 

I've always assumed I'd adopt. This board just about killed that though. I'd rather have a hole in my heart because I only had one child than be responsible for the the hole in some child's heart that I loved more dearly than anything else in this world. I'd hate to have to scour every word that came out of my mouth in case they saw some sort of double meaning that is not there. I just don't want to be the source of anyone else's torture.

[Haiku]

I just don't want to be the source of anyone else's torture.

 

Adoptive parents are NOT the source of their children's torture. Adoption is NOT torture.

Tara

[msjones]

I was adopted, so was my husband, so were (all but one of) our many siblings.

 

Let me begin by saying that I would never presume to try to convince another adoptee to feel differently. But my 'experience' has been 'positive.' (I hesitate to call it an 'Experience' of any kind, because 'It' has just been my life...)

 

I have found that my perspective is sometimes unwelcome in these adoption conversations, but I'll go ahead and share it in the hopes of encouraging someone to adopt a child.

 

I am thankful to have been adopted. So is my husband. We both DO feel as if our parents saved us, and don't find that disturbing in any way. They did save us from what would have been, most likely, lives of foster care and poverty.

 

We know that they did pick us out of a crowd of kids. And it does seem to have been something like choosing a puppy; in my case, the adoption agency even tried to match my hair and eye colors with those of my parents. (That seems like one of those American Girl Doll catalogues, doesn't it? ;))

 

We are glad and thankful to not have been aborted. And we have very little interest in finding our birth parents. (Although we are getting to the ages where it might be nice to have some medical records.) We both agree that because we don't know them, never have, and have no memories of them, there seems to be no mourning, grief, 'heart holes,' or even feelings of rejection.

 

I have had well-meaning contemporary adoption-minded friends try to talk me out of my adoption feelings. They seem convinced that there is some ugly something lurking deep inside. They seem bothered that I'm thankful for having been 'saved.' But I AM thankful.

 

They seem even more certain that some pain of some sort must exist for my husband -- he was older when adopted (he was 6 months, I was a newborn) and it was a 'mixed race' adoption (or whatever you call it). They are sure he must have identity issues. But he doesn't.

 

I need to go eat breakfast, so I won't take the time to write a nice, tidy summary. But I hope this is encouraging to someone who is thinking about adopting.

[Sputterduck]

msjones, what do you think it was that gave you such a different perspective than other adoptees? I'm glad you and your husband have such positive feelings compared to what you could have ended up with.

[Corraleno]

I'm glad a good story exists.

 

I've always assumed I'd adopt. This board just about killed that though. I'd rather have a hole in my heart because I only had one child than be responsible for the the hole in some child's heart that I loved more dearly than anything else in this world. I'd hate to have to scour every word that came out of my mouth in case they saw some sort of double meaning that is not there. I just don't want to be the source of anyone else's torture.

 

Please don't let recent threads here dissuade you from adopting!

 

There are many MANY happy adoption stories out there, just like the ones Sarah and Heather and others posted. My daughter is another one. I know many other families who adopted at the same time we did, and most are very happy stories. A close friend of mine had a child out of wedlock at 16 and chose to give him up because felt she was not in a position, emotionally or financially, to give him a good life. Her (now adult) son contacted her a few years ago and told her that she absolutely did the right thing and he is very grateful to her for making that decision.

 

IME, people rarely post happy adoption stories, because they are so often shot down and "reminded" that adoption really is tragic and that adoptees forever carry the "primal wound" of separation from their birthmother, etc. Adoptees who don't feel hurt or angry or compelled to find their birthparents are often accused of being "in denial." (Notice the tag on this thread ~ "rose colored glasses").

 

I knew a couple whose social worker refused to approve their Home Study to adopt because she claimed the wife (an adoptee herself) had not yet "processed" the pain of her own adoption, since she claimed not to have any pain or any desire to track down her birth parents! Needless to say, they found another social worker and have adopted 2 beautiful children.

 

Every day the news is filled with stories about the pain and trauma caused to children by their biological parents, yet those stories never seem to deter parents from procreating! Hearing some adoptees talk about their pain and sense of loss should not dissuade parents from adopting either. I'm not suggesting parents should go into adoption blindly assuming their adopted child will be perfect and healthy and have no possible issues ~ but parents shouldn't go into biological parenthood thinking that either!

 

Jackie

[LibraryLover]

Hold up here. I need some clarification. Are folks saying that when posters share the special challenges families formed by adtoption might face, folks are hearing that adoption can't be postive, that adoption is negative and bad and people should not adopt?

 

Is sharing the fact that some children ask about birth parents 'a negatve story'? Is the fact that some very wel loved adopted children will want to search, or know more a 'negative' story?

[Sputterduck]

LibraryLover, no, it's not that kids ask about their bio parents' story. It's the torture and pain described by some that makes a "negative story".

[LibraryLover]

LibraryLover, no, it's not that kids ask about their bio parents' story. It's the torture and pain described by some that makes a "negative story".

 

 

So maybe that pain is a figment of the person's imagination?

[Sputterduck]

Please don't let recent threads here dissuade you from adopting!

 

There are many MANY happy adoption stories out there, just like the ones Sarah and Heather and others posted. My daughter is another one. I know many other families who adopted at the same time we did, and most are very happy stories. A close friend of mine had a child out of wedlock at 16 and chose to give him up because felt she was not in a position, emotionally or financially, to give him a good life. Her (now adult) son contacted her a few years ago and told her that she absolutely did the right thing and he is very grateful to her for making that decision.

 

IME, people rarely post happy adoption stories, because they are so often shot down and "reminded" that adoption really is tragic and that adoptees forever carry the "primal wound" of separation from their birthmother, etc. Adoptees who don't feel hurt or angry or compelled to find their birthparents are often accused of being "in denial." (Notice the tag on this thread ~ "rose colored glasses").

 

I knew a couple whose social worker refused to approve their Home Study to adopt because she claimed the wife (an adoptee herself) had not yet "processed" the pain of her own adoption, since she claimed not to have any pain or any desire to track down her birth parents! Needless to say, they found another social worker and have adopted 2 beautiful children.

 

Every day the news is filled with stories about the pain and trauma caused to children by their biological parents, yet those stories never seem to deter parents from procreating! Hearing some adoptees talk about their pain and sense of loss should not dissuade parents from adopting either. I'm not suggesting parents should go into adoption blindly assuming their adopted child will be perfect and healthy and have no possible issues ~ but parents shouldn't go into biological parenthood thinking that either!

 

Jackie

 

Okay, so there is a cultural push of "you Are damaged, you just won't admit it". That's awful!

[LibraryLover]

Sputterduck. If/when you do decide to adopt, you will have your own stories to share. They might be without issue, or not.

 

You can't predict the future, you can't choose or predict the heart or mind of the child who might become yours. You might fly through your paperwork, or

an embassy might close. You might be matched with a child , and the country decides to put adoptions on hold or end them altogether. (This happens). You might be in the final stretch of completing an adoption when a biological family member makes a claim for the child. You might adopt a darling sibling pair and find out later that one of them has RAD or FAS. The child may desperately pine for what can never be (a life with the biological parent). Or the child may bond to you so deeply you can't imagine a greater joy.

 

Our adoption went off with a single physical hitch. The paperwork sailed through, we were matched with a child within a month of the paperwork being submitted. The/our/my child was in my arms 3 months later. Yet someone else from our same agency had many glitches and it was harrowing. The child finally did arrive but it was a stressful time for the couple. All of us wonder and pray and hope that our birth mothers are at peace. Our children wonder as well. You don't stop wondering. I know we don't.

 

You have to be open to whatever the universe has in store for you. It could be all positive, it could be a mix of both, or it could be the most difficult thing you have ever done.

 

You don't know what your future might hold. You do not know what the future of any child will be.

 

Having a human heart has it's challenges. :grouphug:

 

Whoever your child is, you will love her/him and take care of the child the best way you know how. That's all any of us do.

Edited January 17, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Sputterduck]

Sputterduck. If/when you do decide to adopt, you will have your own stories to share. They might be without issue, or not.

 

You can't predict the future, you can't choose or predict the heart or mind of the child who might become yours. You might fly through your paperwork, or

an embassy might close. You might be matched with a child , and the country decides to put adoptions on hold or end them altogether. (This happens). You might be in the final stretch of completing an adoption when a biological family member makes a claim for the child. You might adopt a darling sibling pair and find out later than one of them has RAD or FAS.

 

You have to be open to whatever the universe has in store for you. It could be all positive, it could be a mix of both, or it could be the most difficult thing you have ever done.

 

You don't know what your future might hold. You do not know what the future of any child will be.

 

Being a human being has it's challenges. :grouphug:

 

Whoever your child is, you will love her/him and take care of the child the best way you know how to. That's all any of us do.

 

That's pretty much how it is no matter how you become a parent. You never know and you could be the best mom you can possibly be and your kids can still grow up to hate you.

 

I'm scared of the idea that I might be talking about one thing, with nothing negative in my heart or mind, and have a future adopted child somehow connect it to the fact that he or she was adopted and be tortured by my completely innocent statement. In a situation like that, you can't win. You can't relax. You can't speak freely. That would be a miserable way to live. I would be afraid to open my mouth. How do you bond with a child who finds hidden meanings and jabs in innocent statements? One of the most gut wrenching things I can think if is losing a heart connection with my child. How do you maintain a heart connection with a grown child in a situation like that?

 

I suppose that by not adopting a child and leaving them in foster care or an orphanage the child would be more broken and have a bigger hole in their heart. I suppose adoption is the lesser of two evils then in some people's minds? I don't think it should be looked at as bad thing, but sometimes it looks like that idea is in the minority.

[LibraryLover]

I edited my post, so this is not the full one.

 

Parenting is not for the thinned-skinned, I grant you that. What's that saying? Having a child is like having your heart walking around outside your body? It's true. When we become parents, we become even more vulnerable.

 

Adoption might not be right for your family. That's OK. Parenting itself is not for everyone.

 

Your need to wish it could all be positive doesn't change the stories of others.

 

I wish you peace and clarity.

 

 

That's pretty much how it is no matter how you become a parent. You never know and you could be the best mom you can possibly be and your kids can still grow up to hate you.

 

I'm scared of the idea that I might be talking about one thing, with nothing negative in my heart or mind, and have a future adopted child somehow connect it to the fact that he or she was adopted and be tortured by my completely innocent statement. In a situation like that, you can't win. You can't relax. You can't speak freely. That would be a miserable way to live. I would be afraid to open my mouth. How do you bond with a child who finds hidden meanings and jabs in innocent statements? One of the most gut wrenching things I can think if is losing a heart connection with my child. How do you maintain a heart connection with a grown child in a situation like that?

 

I suppose that by not adopting a child and leaving them in foster care or an orphanage, the child would be more broken and have a bigger hole in their heart. I suppose adoption is the lesser of two evils then in some people's minds? I don't think it should be looked at as bad thing, but sometimes it looks like that idea is in the minority.

[The Governess]

I just wanted to add one thought. The pain of a family breaking apart has already happened before the adoptive parents come into the picture. The child that has been placed for adoption will live with that story regardless of whether they are adopted, or grow up in the foster care system, or live out their childhood in an orphanage/group home. By choosing not to adopt, you are not sparing a child of this pain.

 

I believe in keeping families together. In a perfect world, there would be no need for adoption. But the reality is that there will always be parents that are unable to care for their children, with no family members who can take them in. Yes, this hurts. But shying away from adoption because of the pain that can come with it doesn't solve the problem.

 

I would hope that people that have the resources and the heart to care for a child that needs a family would not feel that they are doing that child a disservice by adopting them.

[jazzyfizzle]

That's pretty much how it is no matter how you become a parent. You never know and you could be the best mom you can possibly be and your kids can still grow up to hate you.

 

I'm scared of the idea that I might be talking about one thing, with nothing negative in my heart or mind, and have a future adopted child somehow connect it to the fact that he or she was adopted and be tortured by my completely innocent statement. In a situation like that, you can't win. You can't relax. You can't speak freely. That would be a miserable way to live. I would be afraid to open my mouth. How do you bond with a child who finds hidden meanings and jabs in innocent statements? One of the most gut wrenching things I can think if is losing a heart connection with my child. How do you maintain a heart connection with a grown child in a situation like that?

 

I suppose that by not adopting a child and leaving them in foster care or an orphanage the child would be more broken and have a bigger hole in their heart. I suppose adoption is the lesser of two evils then in some people's minds? I don't think it should be looked at as bad thing, but sometimes it looks like that idea is in the minority.

 

 

 

 

VERY well said, thank you. I am definitely feeling the negative along with you and it has started impacting my thoughts as well.

Often it 'feels' when reading these posts, that the adoptive parents are being (however unintentionally!) 'punished' in some way for trying to do a wonderful thing. Forgive me if my words don't come out just as my thoughts are, it is difficult to put into words.

I am understanding exactly what you are saying and starting to have the very same worries!

 

Who knows, we may never adopt. After reading so much of what I of course assume to be true and heartfelt stories, maybe it is not a good idea after all.

[Sputterduck]

I just wanted to add one thought. The pain of a family breaking apart has already happened before the adoptive parents come into the picture. The child that has been placed for adoption will live with that story regardless of whether they are adopted, or grow up in the foster care system, or live out their childhood in an orphanage/group home. By choosing not to adopt, you are not sparing a child of this pain.

 

I believe in keeping families together. In a perfect world, there would be no need for adoption. But the reality is that there will always be parents that are unable to care for their children, with no family members who can take them in. Yes, this hurts. But shying away from adoption because of the pain that can come with it doesn't solve the problem.

 

I would hope that people that have the resources and the heart to care for a child that needs a family would not feel that they are doing that child a disservice by adopting them.

 

You are right. A given child who is put up for adoption will have a broken family in their past regardless. I guess maybe it shouldn't be "I have a hole in my heart because I'm adopted" but instead perhaps "I have a hole in my heart because my original family is not intact." I can stomach that.

 

Ideas like "You haven't dealt with your adoption if you don't feel pain" make it seem like it's the adoption causing all sorts of grief for people, when in reality it's what happened before that.

[jazzyfizzle]

I edited my post, so this is not the full one.

 

 

Your need to wish it could all be positive doesn't change the stories of others.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I did not get that out of her posts...

[Impish]

I disagree. I think a child not being separated from an abusive, unfit parent is far more tragic than a child being raised by adoptive parents in a healthy, loving home. I will probably go down in flames for this, but I think our culture tends to fetishize birthparents and consider adoptive parents as somehow second best, and I don't get it. To me, a "parent" is the person who parents a child. Why is a woman, who might smoke and drink and take drugs for 9 months while carrying a child she considers an unfortunate mistake, a more real "mother" than the one who raises that child? Why is a child who was raised by a loving adoptive family more tragic and unlucky than a child raised by abusive biological parents??? <snip>

 

I'm not denigrating those who do feel that pain and rejection; for many people I'm sure it's very real. But I totally disagree that it's inevitable, or that there is a deep tragic hole in the heart of every adopted child.

 

Jackie

:iagree:

[nono]

I guess I don't equate being in touch with the raw, tough stuff with negativity. And it is so true that not everyone will feel the same way! Some adoptees have big holes; some do not. Neither end of the spectrum is wrong nor should be treated as such.

 

My young children were discussing their adoptions last week. One already has plans to go meet his/her birthfamily. The other says, "I don't think so." Is my one child who longs for that connection wrong? Is my child who doesn't long for the connection wrong? No. The simply are. Being. Human. (And wonderful, this proud Mama might add!)

 

Now, I have had to put much more work in with them than I would have likely had to do with biologic children (but that certainly isn't a guarantee). Just go with me on this though, because I would prefer to keep my children's "stuff" private, so I am not going into detail as to why I say that. Again, for me, that doesn't make our adoption negative. It's been harder work than I ever imagined, and our agencies didn't paint a rosy picture. It's been emotional. I've seen my kids reveal things that made my Mother, who's a stoic woman, weep bitterly. And my children came from good circumstances.

 

And, they continue to be in good circumstances. And things come up. And they might continue to come up. And it will still be a positive experience from my end. My children will give you their vote (positive/negative) when they are adults. ;)

 

Finally, if either of my children grow up to write a post like Christy's, I will be extremely proud. Yes, of course, I will say something wrong to hurt my kids at some point, but gosh, that doesn't deter me from doing the job of raising them. And it's OK for them to remember it and mention it in print, too!

[msjones]

Okay, so there is a cultural push of "you Are damaged, you just won't admit it". That's awful!

 

This is a good summary of the idea I hear from 'adoption-minded' folks lately.

 

They don't seem to believe that my husband and I are issue-free adoptees.

 

The view seems to be that we have crammed all our 'pain' way down deep and aren't aware of it. (The folks I'm talking about are parents with adopted children.) The idea of our being grateful and thankful seems to bother them somehow.

[Corraleno]

I'm scared of the idea that I might be talking about one thing, with nothing negative in my heart or mind, and have a future adopted child somehow connect it to the fact that he or she was adopted and be tortured by my completely innocent statement. In a situation like that, you can't win. You can't relax. You can't speak freely. That would be a miserable way to live. I would be afraid to open my mouth. How do you bond with a child who finds hidden meanings and jabs in innocent statements?

 

Please don't assume that because one person here posted about that experience that all (or even most) adoptees feel that way. I imagine many many people raised by bio parents could remember something their parent said that they took as a slight (real or imagined). I think this is a function of the personality of the individual child, not whether they were adopted or not. Some kids are hypersensitive and take many things personally that were not intended that way, and other kids don't.

 

FWIW, my bio son has far more of these sorts of "issues" than my adopted daughter does. If I remind DS11 that he still hasn't picked up his dirty clothes after being reminded 6 times, he's likely to sob and say "You think I'm stupid" or "You make me feel like I'm a terrible person!" I can say the same thing to DD and she'll laugh and say "Oops!" and go pick up her clothes. If DS were the adopted one, I can see how he might hyperfocus on his adoption and feel it was the root of all his "issues" ~ but that wouldn't make it true.

 

Jackie

[msjones]

msjones, what do you think it was that gave you such a different perspective than other adoptees? I'm glad you and your husband have such positive feelings compared to what you could have ended up with.

 

I've been asked this before, and I'm not really sure how to answer.

 

My parents told me I was adopted because my birth mother wasn't ready to take care of me and wanted me to have a good home. That was about it. Of course, that meant more and more as I grew up and understood about unplanned pregnancies, but I never felt anything icky about it. I'm glad I didn't grow up in poverty and ignorance or foster care. (That doesn't sound too PC, but that's how I feel.)

 

We talked about it sometimes, but not much. My siblings and I were very close in age, so my mom got lots of questions about that. I'm taller and thinner than my mom and sister, so they teased me about being the skinny one. I have thick, wavy hair and my sister's is barely there, she joked about getting the wrong birth parents.

 

One of my brothers had muscular dystrophy. That was the primary stress of my growing-up years -- not grief associated with having been adopted.

 

My feeling is that I was adopted -- but that was 40 years ago. My parents did save me from foster care, but that was a long time ago. I don't see them as my 'saviors' now -- just my parents.

 

The only time I've felt icky about my 'adoptedness' was a few months ago when my mom said that her parents weren't my "official" grandparents. :confused: (I had asked for a photo of their farm.) That really threw me. But, now, down the road with a little perspective, I think my mom just made a stupid comment. I've been known to do the same. So, I'm not dwelling on it. (I did for a while.)

[LibraryLover]

I did not get that out of her posts...

 

 

My understanding is that certain truthful stories of these parenting experiences are difficult to read, and they discourage her from wanting to adopt. She wishes to hear the positive stories so she can feel more positive, less fearful about adopting.

 

One's need to hear to hear what one needs to hear, doesn't change the stories of others, or their wish to share them.

 

Nothing about becoming a parent assures us that our best efforts won't be somehow challenged.

 

If one is afraid, it's helpful to explore that fear, and consider the possibilities. An individual's heartfelt dreams & wishes about parenting might come true, or the experience could be extremely challenging. Most likely, it will be a combination. We take chances of the heart when we become parents, no matter how we become parents. The deepest part of us can be challenged by the demands of parenting.

 

If a person is not sure what to do, they should wait, meditate or pray, get to know others who are walking the same path, meet with a professional with knowledge of adoption issues, have an idea where to go for support if the times comes, and have patience until deeper clarity shows itself.

 

Fear is a natural human emotion and all the good we know and experience doesn't keep us from having certain fears. Being as emotionally prepared as you can will help when/if issues arise.

Edited January 17, 2010 by LibraryLover

[LibraryLover]

tmi about a relative

Edited January 18, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Impish]

I think the insistance that every adoptee has issues is ridiculous, but it seems to be the primary focus these days.

 

It makes no more sense to me than to insist every person with blue eyes is allergic to chocolate.

 

Some adoptees do, some dont, some are in the middle. Same as any kid raised by their birth parents. Some have great childhoods, some don't, some in the middle.

 

The idea that an adoptee MUST have pain, MUST have a 'hole in their hearts' is negating the feelings of those that feel differently.

 

Expecting an adopted child to have issues is as bad as expecting them all to be complete angels.

[LibraryLover]

We parents never do know who we are getting in whatever child we get to parent. :001_smile: We do the best we can, and we hope for the best emotional life for our child. We can never, ever be fully prepared for what unfolds. We cannot control what others might believe or say about anything. We plod along as best we can and help our children aquire the emotional fortitude they might need.

 

 

 

Some adoptees do, some dont, some are in the middle. Same as any kid raised by their birth parents. Some have great childhoods, some don't, some in the middle.

 

The idea that an adoptee MUST have pain, MUST have a 'hole in their hearts' is negating the feelings of those that feel differently.

 

Expecting an adopted child to have issues is as bad as expecting them all to be complete angels.

 

Edited January 17, 2010 by LibraryLover

[jazzyfizzle]

Thank you for your thoughts Librarylover. I guess it is all just hitting the wrong way, since somewhat recently my DH and I have discussed adopting. I did want more kids, because of certain health situations, it did not, and now will not ever happen.

 

So I guess I am at a strange place of- having the wish, wondering if it is what we are supposed (in a karma kind of meaning?) to do, what it would be like, would the child love me as their mother, how would the blending go, a million sort of questions whirling around in my head.

Then I had the original fact that my DH was kind of surprised at my putting this idea out there (even though some form of it has been in my mind for a long, long time) and my somewhat surprise and joy that he seemed to even consider the idea. He is perfectly happy with the three boys we have (as am I) but I feel like there is this longing for another.. a daughter to call my own. Maybe part of it is that the vast majority of my family is male. Male sons, brothers, nephews, surrounded by so much maleness. LOL

Our mother is unique, way too much so to put into writing on a small post, ha, I think she cares, has always cared, but has such a different and unrelatable way of expressing it. She constantly disappoints, and then will turn around to do some sweet thing in a.. what is it... language of love 'gift giving' sort of way. There is way more history and other situations, but the gist of it is that she is not really emotionally? available. My sister is damaged from the history and present of that and other things, so she is very conditional. All this boils down to a notable lack of female familyness, if that makes sense. Not that I would be pinning that load on a daughter, it just well, would be great to have a daughter too.

 

Wow, well I have just went on punching those keys. Felt good though to get a bit of that out on 'paper'!

 

I would never feel there would not, or should not, be negatives or 'holes', but hope that a child I adopted could somewhat have those feelings healed by knowing how much we wanted them, and loved them?

When I read all these stories, it is so disheartening, because it seems for the majority, that the parents tried hard to do the best they could- and it just will never be good enough or adequate? *sigh* I hope I am making sense.

 

Like I said, maybe we never will actually adopt. We have a small house, not a lot of extra cash lying around, certainly nothing to pay the amounts I see being posted. It still doesn't take away that little longing in my heart and wondering if there was a daughter out there for us.

 

all the best

Jazzy

Edited January 17, 2010 by jazzyfizzle
typo

[LibraryLover]

Jazzy, I have 2 sons & 2 daughters, and I still think there is another soul or two out there. (My dh does feel perfectly content with the children we have, but he is bit open).

 

I also won't birth another. I've spent time talking to social workers and people who work in our local foster care system, I've looked at waiting children pages, I've been to foster -adopt workshops. I've looked at waiting children in other countries who need special medical care and those who do not.

 

I don't know, even as an experienced parent of bio and a children, that I am prepared to go again into the great unknown (and I include bio here- one bio child was born with a birth defect and that was 5 years of therapies and surgery). Will I have the same patience as a mother if I add another child? Will I have the emotional stamina if something becomes even more challenging than I anticipate?

 

I think I am perfectly normal to consider such things. I honestly think I would be a fool not to explore these questions no matter how much experience or support I have; no matter how much clarity I think I might have going in.

[sparrow]

 

Like I said, maybe we never will actually adopt. We have a small house, not a lot of extra cash lying around, certainly nothing to pay the amounts I see being posted. It still doesn't take away that little longing in my heart and wondering if there was a daughter out there for us.

 

 

 

I hope you do, if you decide it's right for your family. Adoption was the best thing that ever happened to me speaking as an adoptee and an adoptive mom. I have a wonderful loving family and I don't know a single person I'm biologically related to!

 

As far as affording adoption, remember there is a $12,150 adoption tax credit.

 

Best wishes.

[Sputterduck]

I think the insistance that every adoptee has issues is ridiculous, but it seems to be the primary focus these days.

 

It makes no more sense to me than to insist every person with blue eyes is allergic to chocolate.

 

Some adoptees do, some dont, some are in the middle. Same as any kid raised by their birth parents. Some have great childhoods, some don't, some in the middle.

 

The idea that an adoptee MUST have pain, MUST have a 'hole in their hearts' is negating the feelings of those that feel differently.

 

Expecting an adopted child to have issues is as bad as expecting them all to be complete angels.

 

You make sense. That's what I thought, but after seeing the hyperfocus on the damage of adoptees, it started to worry me.

[Sputterduck]

When I read all these stories, it is so disheartening, because it seems for the majority, that the parents tried hard to do the best they could- and it just will never be good enough or adequate? *sigh* I hope I am making sense.

 

Yes, that makes sense. That's exactly how I was feeling.

 

If am ever to have another child, it will be through adoption. I am not able to bear children anymore. My one child was a miracle and never supposed to happen.

 

I was beginning to feel as if adoption is a lose/lose situation where no matter how hard the adoptive parents try, they can't win and also that it ends up in the parents having to walk on eggshells all the time.

[hornblower]

I think the insistance that every adoptee has issues is ridiculous, but it seems to be the primary focus these days.

 

It makes no more sense to me than to insist every person with blue eyes is allergic to chocolate.

 

Some adoptees do, some dont, some are in the middle. Same as any kid raised by their birth parents. Some have great childhoods, some don't, some in the middle.

 

The idea that an adoptee MUST have pain, MUST have a 'hole in their hearts' is negating the feelings of those that feel differently.

 

Expecting an adopted child to have issues is as bad as expecting them all to be complete angels.

 

 

:iagree: Impish, thank you for saying this.

[Johanna]

Thank you for saying this. :grouphug:

 

I haven't read the other responses, but I am starting to feel the same and I feel like it is already taking the joy, hope and excitment that was growing in me.

:crying:

I have started wondering if it is not something we should do...

 

 

 

I was very glad to read Laura' in NC's post. I felt my deep breath in with a *whew thank you*

 

 

And I sure won't mention that thinking of helping one of the Haitian babies came to my mind..

:001_unsure:

 

:iagree::grouphug:

[Christy B]

I was adopted, so was my husband, so were (all but one of) our many siblings.

 

Let me begin by saying that I would never presume to try to convince another adoptee to feel differently. But my 'experience' has been 'positive.' (I hesitate to call it an 'Experience' of any kind, because 'It' has just been my life...)

 

I have found that my perspective is sometimes unwelcome in these adoption conversations, but I'll go ahead and share it in the hopes of encouraging someone to adopt a child.

 

I am thankful to have been adopted. So is my husband. We both DO feel as if our parents saved us, and don't find that disturbing in any way. They did save us from what would have been, most likely, lives of foster care and poverty.

 

We know that they did pick us out of a crowd of kids. And it does seem to have been something like choosing a puppy; in my case, the adoption agency even tried to match my hair and eye colors with those of my parents. (That seems like one of those American Girl Doll catalogues, doesn't it? ;))

 

We are glad and thankful to not have been aborted. And we have very little interest in finding our birth parents. (Although we are getting to the ages where it might be nice to have some medical records.) We both agree that because we don't know them, never have, and have no memories of them, there seems to be no mourning, grief, 'heart holes,' or even feelings of rejection.

 

I have had well-meaning contemporary adoption-minded friends try to talk me out of my adoption feelings. They seem convinced that there is some ugly something lurking deep inside. They seem bothered that I'm thankful for having been 'saved.' But I AM thankful.

 

They seem even more certain that some pain of some sort must exist for my husband -- he was older when adopted (he was 6 months, I was a newborn) and it was a 'mixed race' adoption (or whatever you call it). They are sure he must have identity issues. But he doesn't.

 

I need to go eat breakfast, so I won't take the time to write a nice, tidy summary. But I hope this is encouraging to someone who is thinking about adopting.

 

I have been studiously avoiding continuing to post in adoption threads, since the one I started was closed. I have every intention of abiding by the board rules of NOT resurrecting a closed thread. This will be my only follow-up post on the topic. I will gladly respond to private messages.

 

This post, though, by Mrs. Jones, just "spoke" to me. I feel like we are opposite sides of the exact same coin. So, Mrs. Jones, thank you for your lovely post, and please indulge me in using it as a springboard of sorts.

 

I was also quite literally matched to my parents and in the right context (such as your honest and first hand account of your own experience and feelings) I can so appreciate the gentle humor with which you relate it to an American Girl catalog. ;) It brought a smile to my face.

 

We can not go about telling people how they *must feel*; that is absurd. So you are gracious to say "I would never presume to try to convince another adoptee to feel differently" and I absolutely agree. Why on earth would anyone want to diminish your joyous experience?

 

I would never try to negate *your* experience -- or anyone's -- in sharing mine. You obviously feel the same, and I must say I so appreciate the respect you show by that. I would never want you or any other adoptee to feel unwelcome in sharing their experience (although I know how that feels). I would never want an adoptive parent, or a birth parent to feel unwelcome in sharing their experience. I am thankful for every post that shares a perspective or experience. It is how we learn.

 

Please indulge me (this is where I'm springboarding), because I do sense that my post is being hinted at and referred to in this thread (not in your post, Mrs. Jones!) to repeat just one sentence from my original post: "I am a big fan of adoption." Folks, I don't know how to be more positive than that. I am sincere. I support and promote adoption; if you are considering adoption, I commend you, and I wish you and some very fortunate child the very, very best. I will try to remind you to make sure that child knows that you aren't going to send it back. ;) And if, by chance, you discover that your child is hurting -- I will cry with you and your child and I will want to make it better. And if you are blessed to have an experience like Mrs. Jones, I will rejoice with you and your child. But I will be *real* and I will be *honest* about my own experience, and I will encourage you to be the same.

 

I am thankful for the hearts of compassion among those who post here. Adoption is, or at least should be, about people who want to share their love. That is a beautiful and wonderful and good and POSITIVE thing. It is also deeply personal and that is why conversations about adoption can be very intense. I feel the pain of every adoptee who asks "why wasn't I good enough?". I feel the pain of every adoptive mom who asks "why isn't it enough that I give my heart and soul and life to this child, why can't they just be happy?". And I feel the pain of every bio mom who asks "did I do the right thing?".

 

And this is how we will learn to feel each other's pain, by asking and sharing and yes, by sticking our foot in our mouth on a regular basis. But it all starts with people who want to do the right thing, whether that be by adopting a child, or trying to help others understand adoption. And I think that is a very, very positive thing.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I was adopted by my dad (my mom is my biological mother) when I was 16. He legally adopted my 2 brothers and me at that time.

 

I'm so thankful. Our life before my dad was full of rejection, sadness, feelings of insecurity, drugs, alcohol, and abuse. My mom was trying so hard to survive and keep us at the same time.

 

My dad loved us. He accepted us. He made our life happy and full of adventure. I'm eternally grateful.

[Sputterduck]

I was adopted by my dad (my mom is my biological mother) when I was 16. He legally adopted my 2 brothers and me at that time.

 

I'm so thankful. Our life before my dad was full of rejection, sadness, feelings of insecurity, drugs, alcohol, and abuse. My mom was trying so hard to survive and keep us at the same time.

 

My dad loved us. He accepted us. He made our life happy and full of adventure. I'm eternally grateful.

 

Your post made me happy. :) I had hoped to have a dad for my son by now. He's 5. But you were 16, and it was still a good thing for you. That gives me hope.

[Denisemomof4]

I guess I don't equate being in touch with the raw, tough stuff with negativity. And it is so true that not everyone will feel the same way! Some adoptees have big holes; some do not. Neither end of the spectrum is wrong nor should be treated as such.

 

My young children were discussing their adoptions last week. One already has plans to go meet his/her birthfamily. The other says, "I don't think so." Is my one child who longs for that connection wrong? Is my child who doesn't long for the connection wrong? No. The simply are. Being. Human. (And wonderful, this proud Mama might add!)

 

Now, I have had to put much more work in with them than I would have likely had to do with biologic children (but that certainly isn't a guarantee). Just go with me on this though, because I would prefer to keep my children's "stuff" private, so I am not going into detail as to why I say that. Again, for me, that doesn't make our adoption negative. It's been harder work than I ever imagined, and our agencies didn't paint a rosy picture. It's been emotional. I've seen my kids reveal things that made my Mother, who's a stoic woman, weep bitterly. And my children came from good circumstances.

 

And, they continue to be in good circumstances. And things come up. And they might continue to come up. And it will still be a positive experience from my end. My children will give you their vote (positive/negative) when they are adults. ;)

 

Finally, if either of my children grow up to write a post like Christy's, I will be extremely proud. Yes, of course, I will say something wrong to hurt my kids at some point, but gosh, that doesn't deter me from doing the job of raising them. And it's OK for them to remember it and mention it in print, too!

 

:hurray::hurray::hurray::hurray::hurray:

[Denisemomof4]

This is a good summary of the idea I hear from 'adoption-minded' folks lately.

 

They don't seem to believe that my husband and I are issue-free adoptees.

 

The view seems to be that we have crammed all our 'pain' way down deep and aren't aware of it. (The folks I'm talking about are parents with adopted children.) The idea of our being grateful and thankful seems to bother them somehow.

 

wow. it's really sad how this subject causes so much anger.

 

There's NOTHING I wouldn't do to help my daughter heal. Her pain is REAL and so is the pain of other adoptees who post. It's a sin and a shame to bash them for having that pain. If my daughter grows up with pain, I certainly hope nobody is mean to her for it. But my desire is or her to grow up without issues, too. I can only hope and pray, because I've done everything else.

[Impish]

wow. it's really sad how this subject causes so much anger.

 

There's NOTHING I wouldn't do to help my daughter heal. Her pain is REAL and so is the pain of other adoptees who post. It's a sin and a shame to bash them for having that pain. If my daughter grows up with pain, I certainly hope nobody is mean to her for it. But my desire is or her to grow up without issues, too. I can only hope and pray, because I've done everything else.

I don't see anyone bashing adoptees for having pain.

 

What's being said is that NOT every adoptee does. And the insistence by many that they SHOULD, no matter what the person says to the contrary, is offensive. Rather like someone insisting you had an allergy you didn't.

 

The pendulum has swung in the far opposite manner, as it often does in society. Before, adoptees were told to be grateful, and any wondering about their history was derided, mocked, and seen as an insult to those that raised them. Now, every adoptee must have a hole that causes them pain, no matter what they personally say to the alternative.

 

I know from your posts that your dd is hurting. And I'm so sorry for it, and know that if it were in your power, she'd never have a moment of it :grouphug:

[msjones]

wow. it's really sad how this subject causes so much anger.

 

There's NOTHING I wouldn't do to help my daughter heal. Her pain is REAL and so is the pain of other adoptees who post. It's a sin and a shame to bash them for having that pain. If my daughter grows up with pain, I certainly hope nobody is mean to her for it. But my desire is or her to grow up without issues, too. I can only hope and pray, because I've done everything else.

 

I think there may have been a misunderstanding here. I had no intention of bashing anyone for their feelings or struggles.

 

I meant to say that my husband and I have been frustrated when people don't or won't believe that we feel no pain related to our adoptions. We have been a bit 'bashed' for not having pain and struggles. I hope that clarifies what I meant to say.

[cin]

I was adopted when I was about 18 mos old. The problems in my family don't stem from the adoption, they stem from strong personality conflicts. My Mom was OCD and I, well, I border on ADD. NOT a good match. My dad was a typical 50's dad. He came home, ate dinner with us, and fell asleep on the couch, watching the news. He was there, I know he loved me, but he was SO not involved. MIght also have something to do with me being a girl.

 

Am I glad I'm adopted? Yeah. Do I have a hole in my heart? Nope. Do I think about my birth parents? Not much. Except when I was prepping for college. My father was a minority (Native American) and I could have had a free college education if I had had proof.

 

I thought we had some issues with our daughter because of her adoption, but I think most of her issues are related to red #40. And her other issues are related to the abuse BEFORE adoption. Not really to the adoption itself. She had 8 broken bones before she was 12 mos. So her issues are not really adoption, but almost like a post traumatic stress. Her executive dysfunction is probably related to her adoption, but I know kids who have that who are with their bio family.

 

I think that no matter which way you go, Bio or Adopted, there can be mega issues. I have a friend who buried her son 5 years ago. Cancer of some sort. Her younger kids have some minor issues. They spent the first years of their lives in the hospital, and being shuffled back and forth between family members while their brother was getting treated. Bio. But messed up, so to speak.

 

jmho. Hope it Helps.

[MamaT]

Our adoption story so far is very positive. Our daughters were both adopted as newborns, straight from the hospital to our home. They know how much they were desired by not only dh and I, but their brothers as well. We talk openly about adoption and tell them often that we are the ones who are thankful and blessed to have them. We have not had any issues that were any greater than their biological siblings'. We have dealt with some racism since we moved to NC (they are AA and we are caucasian), but they have handled it with maturity beyond their years. Once my 12yo dd told me to "chill" because that poor person just didn't know any better. :confused:

 

We talk about what a selfless thing their birth mothers did in giving them a chance at a better life. Our adoptions were closed. So far neither one has expressed any interest in finding their bm, but they have been told I would help them when and if they want to.

 

Adopting has been the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to our family. I simply cannot imagine life without my girls. I am blessed beyond measure to be their mother.

[Jackie in NE]

Since you know me well from other boards, you know that Nathan is adopted, Laura is not. Our adoption experience has been mostly positive. The only negatives (besides the occasional dumb comment someone might make about Laura being my "real" child, or referring to Nathan as my "adopted" child) have been Nathan's sensory issues and his mild fetal alcohol effect. While those are negative in the sense that my child has these problems and they cause him to struggle more than other kids, I am thankful every, single day that he was put into our home. We made sure we educated ourselves about adoption, including the potential health and emotional issues involved. If he had gone to a home where the parents HADN'T educated themselves or if he remained in his Russian orphanage, he probably would not have gotten the support he needed to help him over his hurdles. Because we were on the look-out for warning signs, Nathan was in therapy at 3 1/2 and his long-term prognosis is great. His future could potentially have been bleak if these problems were not caught until later or were chalked up to behavior problems and not dealt with at all.

 

We adopted Nathan when he was 6 months old, and we have raised him with the knowledge that he is adopted. We always talk about it in a positive way, and his favorite story to hear is his adoption story. He occasionally asks us questions about his birth parents. We answer as honestly as possible, but the truth is we don't know much. When we discuss them it is always with respect. The only regret he has ever expressed is that he doesn't know what they look like. From what I've read (and I've read A LOT!) that is one of the most common things adoptees wish they knew -- who they look like. Nathan told me that he thinks his birthmother has short, blond hair and blue eyes like him. He has asked me a couple of times if he will see his birth parents when we go to Russia someday, and I told him that if he wants to meet them when he's older that we'll try to find them. I am not threatened by his birth-parents, and I know his curiosity is healthy and has nothing to do with not feeling loved by and secure with us; if anything the fact that he feels so comfortable discussing it with us shows me that he is secure with our relationship. If he wants to meet them someday we will gladly do whatever is in our power to help make that happen.

 

Nathan told me his is glad that he is adopted. He expresses absolutely no sadness over his birth-parents. I asked him about his feelings before I posted, and he said that he's not sad that his birthparents couldn't take care of him, and he's happy that I adopted him because I'm his "real mother." It is a bit trickier when you have bio kids too. Sometimes we talk about how Laura has this feature from me, that one from Alex, and Nathan will pipe in with, "Who do I look like?" We tell him that he probably looks like his birth-parents, but that his eyes are blue like mine, and that his personality is so much like his Uncle Steve's that they could be twins. I do think he feels some sadness over not having the biological connection. He has said a couple times in the past that we wished he grew in my belly. I think the sadness he feels is because he is not biologically ours, but not because he is not being raised by his birth parents, if that makes sense.

 

Our best friends also adopted a son they were lucky enough to bring straight home from the hospital. He is a bit younger than Nathan, and has expressed little interest in his adoption story. Whenever it's discussed he spends the next few days being extra-clingy with his mom. He has told him mom that adoption is "sad." She doesn't know if he means it's sad for the birth-mother or sad for him. We've had many discussions about adoption, and she is concerned that her son may struggle with his adoption someday because he is reluctant to acknowledge it. Some kids are open about it (like Nathan), some are not.

 

A dear friend of mine growing up was adopted from Korea as a baby. She never really brought up adoption growing up. I e-mailed with her after we adopted Nathan and when I was expecting Laura because I was concerned about future adoption issues. How would he feel NOT being the biological child? My friend had a younger brother and sister who were the bio children of her parents. Did she ever wonder about her birth-mother? Was she ever sorry she was adopted? She told me she wasn't sorry she was adopted. She knew she would never meet her bio mom (like many Korean orphans at that time, she was abandoned) but that she would like to....to thank her. She loves her life and knows she wouldn't have the same wonderful family and the same opportunities if she hadn't been adopted. Yes, she wonders about her, but it never consumed her. Her parents always made her feel special and loved.

 

Don't be scared away from adoption if it's something in your heart. It is a beautiful, wonderful thing -- IF you go into it with your eyes wide open. Education is key. Read everything you can. Talk to everyone you can. Get all of the good and bad stories. The more you know, the greater the chance that you will have a positive experience. You have to go into it expecting some issues, and you have to be realistic about what you and your family can handle. The adoptions that most often do not work out are those where the people are not educated or those where the parents are not honest with themselves about their own limitations. If there are certain medical, race, birth-family issues, or ages you would not feel comfortable accepting, then don't. You also have to be realistic about the affect an adopted child will have on your family as a whole. It will be an adjustment for everyone involved. An adjustment is not necessarily a bad thing; it would be an adjustment bringing a biological child into your home as well. You have to go into it knowing that you are sharing a child with someone. Even if the birth-parents have no contact with the child, a piece of your child will always be part of them and vice-versa. If you can accept it, acknowledge it, and be grateful that you were given the chance to raise this amazing little person, you'll be doing yourself and your child a favor.

 

I would adopt another child in a heartbeat if DH was open to the idea. It was the best decision we ever made. Nathan and I are extremely close. He is a bright, energetic, happy little boy. He has a unique way of looking at the world. He is sweet and charming as could be, and always affectionate. I can't imagine my life without him. There are plenty of kids out there who do need loving, stable homes. If you are seriously considering this, don't be turned off by the negatives. Be aware of them. Seriously consider them, but don't be turned off by them. There are so many positives to adopting, and in our case the positives far outweigh the negatives.

 

This is a wonderful post. As the mother of 3 adopted children, and 1 bio child, my experience has been much the same. So I will not repeat what has already been said here. I will just say that :iagree::iagree:. Best wishes to you as you consider the possibilities of adoption.