Could I please get some input?

[Christine]

I wrote an "article" (that's very loosely stated).

 

I'm curious if I could get some thoughts / opinions / honesty on what others think of it.

 

Would it be something you would like to see more of?

 

In general no-one really goes to my blog to read it; instead choosing to go there for schedules. (Which is fine. It's just that, since so few read it, I don't know what people feel about certain things.)

[Harriet Vane]

Well written--your words about preparation definitely hit a nerve for me. I like how you put the truth in the context of a story. I also like the simplicity of the article--you had one great idea to share and did not burden that idea with too many distracting words.

 

Thanks for sharing.

[Pink Fairy]

I liked it. It was well written, interesting, and made a useful point. I think it would mainly appeal to new homeschoolers looking for tips, but is still an enjoyable read for an experienced homeschooler.

 

Great job!

[PeterPan]

I'd probably summarize it and make it flow a bit more, combining the choppy sentences and getting to the point more quickly. You have no draw, no title or luring sentence or thought or quipet or question or ponderance or anything to draw you in. I couldn't really tell what I was reading, and the reader ought to know WHAT they're reading or at least WHY they're reading. But you know, this is a good exercise for yourself. Take what you wrote, outline it, and go back and retell it afresh, maybe from a new perspective. I often do that with my posts I write here online. I'll write something, realize I used a lot of words, and just totally start over, trying to say the same thing a new way, more concisely, more precisely. I think it's a good exercise in precision. :)

 

Wow, went back and read the other responses, and everyone else was so positive. Maybe I'm just a grouch, lol. I'd at least give it a catchy title and a hook.

 

PS. I probably should have edited my own post here for precision and concision. I never do enough. :)

Edited January 15, 2010 by OhElizabeth

[Garga]

I LOVED the story. And it really spoke to me!

 

There were 3 things that took me out of the moment however:

 

1. The first line needed to firmly place me in my setting immediately. "We were gathered for a homeschool lecture" (or something like that) should be told right away, and then go from there describing the room.

2. I wouldn't have the main character try to avoid looking at the grouchy man. I would leave that line out. It assumed the reader couldn't figure out that Mr Grouchy was the bad guy. I'd already figured that out.

3. I don't think I would have the speaker dressed in disguise. I would have her just walk up to the front and begin speaking right after she talks to your main character. She can still walk up and everyone will look and she can start her discussion right from there. The disguise made the speaker seem immature.

 

Everything else was really, really good. I hope you don't feel bad or are cringing. I honestly loved the idea and loved the rest of the story.

[Mrs Mungo]

I liked the disguise element of the story. The only criticism I have is of calling your speaker a/the "girl."

[WTMCassandra]

That was an awesome article. I was wanting to know who that woman was so I could sign up to attend one of her seminars!

[Christine]

Wow, went back and read the other responses, and everyone else was so positive. Maybe I'm just a grouch, lol. I'd at least give it a catchy title and a hook.

 

:001_huh: Well, I'd be lying if I said your review made me all warm and fuzzy inside. . .

 

I agree wholeheartedly with the title idea. I can never think of those. I suspect it's a major reason that most chapters are numbered rather than titled too.

 

The hook. . . I'm not 100% sure what you mean by that, but for myself, the greatest "hook" one could offer is "leading on". (curiousity and all that. . .)

 

1. The first line needed to firmly place me in my setting immediately. "We were gathered for a homeschool lecture" (or something like that) should be told right away, and then go from there describing the room.

 

Seems to be a frequent comment. . .

2. I wouldn't have the main character try to avoid looking at the grouchy man. I would leave that line out. It assumed the reader couldn't figure out that Mr Grouchy was the bad guy. I'd already figured that out.

 

If you had been in that audience would you have not had to avoid looking at him? Maybe this is a personality quirk of mine.

 

3. I don't think I would have the speaker dressed in disguise. I would have her just walk up to the front and begin speaking right after she talks to your main character. She can still walk up and everyone will look and she can start her discussion right from there. The disguise made the speaker seem immature.

I liked the disguise element of the story. The only criticism I have is of calling your speaker a/the "girl."

 

The reason for the word "girl" was actually thought out! (I mean, I wasn't just looking for a synonym.) Like someone calling a grown male, "boy" shows lack of respect, I was trying to create the same thing with a female. It doesn't *feel* right, but that's what I was going for. (Note the lady is only referred to as a girl when she's in a flustered flurry.)

 

 

I hope you don't feel bad or are cringing.

 

The cringing ocurred before the original post was ever typed. :tongue_smilie:

 

I truly wanted honest opinions; it's a "growth exercise".

 

 

I was wanting to know who that woman was so I could sign up to attend one of her seminars!

The original post did not have the final "this is a fictional story" comment at the end. I had two friends call and gripe at me for not telling me that I was going to a seminar.:)

[Harriet Vane]

 

(Note the lady is only referred to as a girl when she's in a flustered flurry.)

 

 

Here's your title: In a Flustered Flurry

[PeterPan]

Here's your title: In a Flustered Flurry

 

Ooo, that's good! :)

[Hedgehogs4]

BRAVO! i felt as if i was right there! Absolutely understood your point. Fun to read, hung with it all the way through. good job!

[joannqn]

One of the biggest problems is your verb usage. You change tenses frequently, and most of your verbs are in passive tense. I would try to stick with one tense, probably past tense from the way you wrote it and reword my sentences to use more strong verbs and less "was" and "were".

 

Examples:

 

Instead of: Everyone is milling around

Try: Everyone milled around.

 

Instead of: A number of chairs had been laid claim to already, “tagged†as it were with various purses and jackets.

Try: Purses and jackets claimed a number of chairs already.

[Christine]

One of the biggest problems is your verb usage. You change tenses frequently, and most of your verbs are in passive tense. I would try to stick with one tense, probably past tense from the way you wrote it and reword my sentences to use more strong verbs and less "was" and "were".

 

Examples:

 

Instead of: Everyone is milling around

Try: Everyone milled around.

 

Instead of: A number of chairs had been laid claim to already, “tagged†as it were with various purses and jackets.

Try: Purses and jackets claimed a number of chairs already.

 

Thanks for pointing that out. (I actually just had someone else just write to inform me of that.)

 

I will try to work on editing that today.

[Just Another Jen]

I really liked it too.

[kalanamak]

I was wanting to know who that woman was so I could sign up to attend one of her seminars!

 

Me, too.