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Spouse envy...anybody ever feel it?


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I won't get into specifics and I am NOT bashing my dh. I love him very much...very much. It just always seems like I get the short end of the stick, KWIM? He has a job he LOVES, a "cushy" job he loves, where he is made to feel like "God's gift to educational reform" every day, is fawned over every day by his co-workers/employers who constantly tell him how amazing he is, how they are soooo glad he came back to work for them (he recently rejoined the "team" after a year away), couldn't have gotten along w/out him a day longer, etc.. I can't tell you the last time I felt like "God's gift to ANYTHING!" OR had anyone tell me what an amazing job I'm doing! His travel is very light now and after a day of "local" travel he has a "work from home" day. His work while at home? Emailing (read: chatting) back and forth w/ his co-worker about their adventures at such and such school the previous day, writing a report about their day (which takes him all of 10 minutes). He left his teaching job b/c he was miserable even though going back to his current job meant taking a major paycut and paying more for worse insurance (which our current physician DOESN'T accept so now, 9 months pregnant, I must find another physician who will actually SEE my dc and newborn b/c of our decisions not to vaccinate!..not to mention I'm due for another thyroid test and must find a new dr. for me, pay to have records transferred, etc.). Just seems like my dh's new "cushy" job is causing more problems for ME (as was the case when he was there before!). I'm jealous. Very jealous. He has the life. Has anyone else ever felt jealous of your spouse? If so, what do you do? How do you deal? It's causing some MAJOR resentment on my part as you can tell and I'm at the point where I don't even want to be around dh (other issues involved here, too, that I won't get into). So, help me...what do you do? Dh is a great guy, wonderful father, husband, etc. I'm lucky to have him. He's just spoiled (always has been) and that part of him rears its ugly head sometimes...like now. Not looking for marriage counseling...just some tips on how to overcome this envy.

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Yes. I've totally been there and had to deal with several years of crushing envy, resentment and what have you.

 

It finally came down to a very difficult decision: was I willing to make the sacrifices necessary to have my version of the "perfect life?"

 

For me that meant leaving a home and area of the US that I LOVED. It meant moving far away from friends and family. It meant living through several years of having way less money and it meant having to face every one of my fears about re-configuring who and what I was.

 

It's been hard. I'm still not all the way there, but I'm close. I've had to put myself "out there" in ways that are difficult and uncomfortable but there will be more of that ahead. I am doing what I love and hoping soon to make money from it. In the future this should provide more of the basic things I want, kudos and pats on the shoulder for me, opportunities for travel and all of that.

 

It's easier to focus on what you're husband has rather than all he went through to get there. You need to focus on what it is that you want. You're about to have a baby and so of course you're stressed and life doesn't look like a bed of roses, LOL. Breathe. Take care of yourself. Tell people exactly what you need and promise yourself that soon enough it will be your turn. You won't always be having babies. You will get the chance to pursue other dreams of your own, too. (I know you love your kids/what's happening right now - I'm giving you permission to also love the idea of the kind of work/enterprise which someday will get you pats on the back, too).

 

There's no problem here. Tell yourself you are banking for the future. Today dh is getting what he wants. Tomorrow (or the next day) you will get what you want. Meanwhile, relax, focus on happy things and let yourself daydream about your adoring fans!

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I feel envious that he gets to ride in a car for at least an hour a day ALONE. I feel envious that he gets to go to lunch, get a massage during lunch if he wants, run errands, do some shopping...all ALONE. But that's really it. I wouldn't like working with all those...people......they would eventually annoy me and then bad things would happen.

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Please don't get me wrong. It's not that I want to be in corporate america or have a job outside the home. I think it a privelege to be able to stay home and educate/care for/raise my kids. And yes...it's due to dh's salary (in part) that I'm able to do that. I love my kids, love having babies (yes, even now when I feel miserable and tired and cranky and hormonal :)), etc. My post just seems like a whine now. I'm sorry. I guess I just wish my dh understood a little better exactly how GOOD he has it and how it effects me? We've had discussion about this before and he just doesn't "get it". He tries to "help" w/ the hsing when he is home and after just 10 min. of "helping" is ready to quit. You'd think it would give him some clue as to what I'm up against every.single.day. Anyway, I didn't want this to turn into a whine or sound like a "poor me" story. I'm honestly looking for suggestions on how to NOT feel this way. Jennifer...thanks for your suggestions. Mrs. Mungo...that's the stuff I'm talking about, too! Time alone, time to talk to other adults, expensed lunches at the restuarant of his choice (w/out kids!), stays in fancy hotels w/ room service, etc. I'm stuck here eating left over mac and cheese and frozen chicken nuggets :glare:

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Mrs. Mungo...that's the stuff I'm talking about, too! Time alone, time to talk to other adults, expensed lunches at the restuarant of his choice (w/out kids!), stays in fancy hotels w/ room service, etc. I'm stuck here eating left over mac and cheese and frozen chicken nuggets :glare:

 

The pic in my avatar? Is from a night DH was deployed (which generally isn't fun at all and I don't envy him that) and they had surf and turf night. I was having a hard mike's and a cupcake for dinner. I took pics for him to prove it. :tongue_smilie:

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I feel envious that he gets to ride in a car for at least an hour a day ALONE. I feel envious that he gets to go to lunch, get a massage during lunch if he wants, run errands, do some shopping...all ALONE. But that's really it. I wouldn't like working with all those...people......they would eventually annoy me and then bad things would happen.

 

I am sure some would think this is terrible but when I am driving with the kiddos (believe me living in Northern Indiana we didn't get out much this winter) I declare it the no talking to mom zone. Of course if they need something thats fine but I turn the music on and it is for the most part quiet time or jam to the music time.

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yeah :-)

 

dh is a pilot. he flies business charter jets.

He's on salary --he gets paid whether he flies or not.

 

he doesn't fly the big jetliners, he flies the cool little business jets. he flies people like Pierce Brosnan [[swoon]], Noah Wylie, Howard dean, Hillary Clinton, Tina Turner, other high up execs, lawyers, etc. Today he went on a flight rushing doctors to harvest organs and then back again -- so he actually gets to do stuff that HELPS real people too.

 

Since he's flying rich cats, he's landing [and waiting for a few days] at those pricey resorts. cayman Islands. St. Thomas. St. Croix. Jackson Hole. kenai Peninsula. anywhere that has hotels at $200 a night [paid for by the company]. 2-5 days straight. And he gets paid $50 per day just to wait, so he's almost always eating out. Or watching movies cuz "there's nothing else to do." On their dime to boot. Don't forget the rental car. And most pricier resort places don't have McD's --so he's eating GOOD food :). And he gets to enjoy all that w/ no kids, no interruptions, no responsibilities other than to wait for the call to go start up the jet.

 

and then he comes home tired of "eating out all the time" and wants a "home cooked meal" --dude! I don't cook! I heat up hot dogs and chicken nuggets and mac and cheese! i open cans of peaches and applesauce and bags of green beans! If i want a home cooked meal I'll go to Cracker Barrel, lol.

 

Actually, i don't have spouse envy.

I get to stay home w/ my kiddos, keep my own time schedule, go shopping w/ a credit card that is paid off, in a van that is paid off, mechanically sound, and gassed up, and not hafta worry about a [too tight] budget.

 

But it sure comes in handy as a quid pro quo to get some time to myself if i point out the perks of HIS job ;)

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I have suffered through the jealousy of dh seemingly "having it all". I mean who wouldn't love having a job and knowing when you get home your house is clean, laundry done, the kids have been well cared for without any worry on your part about whether or not they would be, and supper is on the table (or at least close)?

 

BUT, my dh often tells ME how jealous he is of me. We have 2 grown ds's. I have gotten to be with them everyday for the most part. They always share their heart with me. Dh has a wonderful relationship with his sons, but when it comes to really talking, they always open up to me first.

 

There are many rewards to what you are doing (I'm sure you know that or you wouldn't be doing it). Some may be invisible now, but you'll see the fruit of your labors later on. I guess I'm saying the door swings both ways. You may be surprised to hear your dh tell you someday how envious of you he is because you've had all this time with your dc.

 

Be encouraged. I'm sure his job isn't as dreamy as it seems. Have a great day doing all the things you can do at home that you wouldn't be able to do if you were working. :001_smile:

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I think you are at a really hard stage - nine months pregnant and with several young children including one who is special needs, if I remember correctly. That's hard. That's just a really tough stage.

 

When mine were quite small, and again when my eldest was at a particularly unpleasant age, I occasionally felt jealous of my DH - that he could get up, get a shower, put on something that looked professional, and go to the office all day dealing with people who may be difficult but who are not screaming in stereo. And then eat out, be fawned over, make a good bit of money, go workout and come home. He has always been a very "hands on" Dad and is not selfish at all about his time or money, so that stage didn't last.

 

Now that the kids are older, believe me, I feel like I have the good job. I have a lot more free time then he does. I have the joy of being with my children. I can take them camping in the middle of the week. We are all going to to the beach this weekend, but even given the price of gasoline, we will take two cars because I want to leave early today and he has to work, and I want to say through Tuesday and he has to come home Sunday. It' hardly seems worth it to go for just two nights - poor guy.

 

I also have a circle of friends. Good friends. Women who I feel genuinely close to. DH has such a hard time building that. I am able to spend much more time with my parents than he could, and when his mother moves her this month, I will get to spend far more time with her than he does, and (hurray!) she will be here so I can run errands, workout or have lunch with a friend without having to worry about the kids. And as our parents age, it's going to feel very much like a privilege to have the time to spend with them, to care for them, to just be with them.

 

So I am just trying to encourage you that when you are a young Mom with a large brood, it's very very difficult. You have little time for yourself and have to fight for every space to breath. It will get easier. It really will.

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Granted, this may not be the month/quarter to have this discussion, given all the hormonal/stress/overtiredness going on in your life. :ohmy: You know how "they" say to not make major decisions during other big stressors; I'd put this in the same boat.

 

Here's the root of the discussion that I'd want to have with dh, were he mine, where is your heart? Do you care more about our family, what we need/think/feel, or do you care more about the outside world?

 

You've said that he's a great dad/husband, etc., and if his heart is truly oriented toward you and his children, then the "spouse envy" thing is inconsequential--you recognize it, take measures to get past it, and move on. But if others always come first in his priorities, then you two need to work through that issue and come up with something you can both live with.

 

The reason I bring this up is that we have been dealing with this in light of my FIL's recent passing. The sum of his life was that he was others oriented, and his family always came second. He was a much better family man after he retired and his family became, to a larger degree, his "others," but the pattern remained, and there are repercussions that we continue to live with.

 

As to the spouse envy, list what you'd hate about his day. List what you love about yours. Tally the lists, and give thanks--intentionally--daily for one or two of those items. I find that I am often in need of "thankfulness redirection", and it does wonders for my attitude. :blushing: Then, later on after you and the new babe settle in, could you list what you'd love about his day/week, and list what you hate/would like to change about your life? Then see if there are things that you can reasonably change.

 

hth!

 

Valerie

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I feel envious that he gets to ride in a car for at least an hour a day ALONE. I feel envious that he gets to go to lunch, get a massage during lunch if he wants, run errands, do some shopping...all ALONE. But that's really it. I wouldn't like working with all those...people......they would eventually annoy me and then bad things would happen.

 

The older I get, the more easily I am annoyed by people, so I realize that going back to work would irritate me. I laughed at your comment ..."bad things would happen." Yep.

 

My dh is a people person (he's in retail). He says he likes his commute because he gets to chill out before he gets to work or comes home. It's sad when I get jealous because he's gotten take out for lunch!

 

I go for weeks without ANY alone time. I've got to work on that!

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Guest Virginia Dawn

I'm still in bed when he leaves for work. Nobody tells me what to do, or how to do it. The kids yell for Mom when he is standing right in front of them. I get to read way more than him.

 

He gets to eat out more, gets to have more significant adult interaction, and more time alone.

 

But if we changed places it would not be pretty.

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there would be some jealousy there, but this really sounds like it goes quite a bit deeper than that. I think Peek's response would be a bit more on the normal side, "This isn't fair, but I get to be home, yada yada." To me, it sounds like there is much more to it than that, and I would recommend talking to someone. I'm so sorry that you are having these issues, and I will pray that you and your dh find great happiness and contentment in your roles.

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Um, I have envy of peek's spouse. :blush: That sounds like a uber cool job.

 

To answer the question, no, I don't. My dh has a hard job. He's in the military and is gearing up for deployment. He spends his day with an ultra-long list that includes fixing things, babysitting his command, and putting out office fires. He never gets his list complete; he just has to choose which is highest priority and go with it (I can understand that).

 

Work is 11 hours long most days; that doesn't include deployments. Sometimes he has cool things happen - firing weapons, riding on speed boats, jumping out of moving objects, but I wouldn't trade those things for his day to day task.

 

I love my job. I love being home. I love sitting in my loungewear all day and I'm grateful to him that I can do so. :D

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The pic in my avatar? Is from a night DH was deployed (which generally isn't fun at all and I don't envy him that) and they had surf and turf night. I was having a hard mike's and a cupcake for dinner. I took pics for him to prove it. :tongue_smilie:

 

 

Ehhh, I'm not sure I believe you..........where's the cupcake?

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Personally, I have sooo been where you are right now, and I have to tell ya, those third trimester hormones can make you think/feel some crazy things. I used to always have this irrational fear during my last few months of pregnancy that dh was going to fall for some young, pretty thing in his office and leave me, because I was big-pregnant, miserable, and in a bad mood all the time. Sometimes he would come home and find me crying and crying about how he was keeping his life from me, and I was worried he wouldn't find me attractive anymore, how he got to talk to grown-ups all day, etc. I can laugh about it now, but these were serious fears/worries then.

 

After many talks with dh, I can see things a lot more clearly now. Often, when he's at work, he's thinking about what we are doing, or worrying about us out running errands. He calls sometimes just to see what we're up to, and if he is angry and needs to vent, he always calls me first. If he's happy and just won a huge case, he calls me first. He knows I will celebrate his successes as his biggest fan, and sympathize when he's upset. He's a very un-emotional guy, and I'm the only person he feels safe expressing emotions to. That's a priveledge I get for marrying him. I generally don't get jealous about his job, because I get to hear all the down side: the annoyances, deadlines, dealing with uncooperative clients, the office gossip and dramas, etc.

 

Now, on the weekends when I've worked hard and so has dh, and he leaves on Friday night and goes hunting or fishing until Sunday afternoon, I'm tempted to be a little jealous, but I've learned that part of the reason he does it is to fill our freezer, which helps hugely on our grocrey bill, and he loves being the hunter-gatherer, and part of the reason is because he needs to blow off steam, be outdoors, and be a guy. I have learned when he is gone for the weekend to cook something he hates and the kids and I love, rent a chick movie (dh can't stand them), put the kids to be early and knit and read ALONE in the silence, send the kids outside and clean the house, and make a special meal for the day he comes home. This way I don't feel like a slave or a martyr.

 

Dh isn't selfish, and he doesn't keep me in a box. If there is something I want to do, I just let him know, and he keeps all five kids and I go. If I wanted to go hang out with friends, he would be fine with that, and he often offers to send my mom and me on things like Mother's Day spa days to get massages, and he's sending me, my mom, and our two daughters to New York next year, all on his dime. He builds me beautiful things when he's home, helps with home improvement projects, and helps me acheive my dreams, like writing, blogging, planting a fruit orchard, etc. He encourages me to learn about things I'm interested in, offers to send me to classes to learn more, and foots the bill for it all without complaint. He cheers me on and offers suggestions when I need it. If I choose not to take these opportunities, then it is my fault, and I have no right to be jealous.

 

I think sometimes men just don't see that we get overwhelmed, tired, stir-crazy, or jealous. If your dh knew you felt jealous about him, he would probably be astonished, I know mine was. He couldn't possibly imagine what he would have that I could be jealous about. They also don't see that you need dinner brought home, a foot rub, a long bath uninterrupted, or a night out alone with them. These are things that women often want, but don't ask for. Men ask for what they want, and they often get it. It has taken my dh years to realize that when I'm tired, I've had a long week, or am sick, the best thing he can do for me is offer to pick up pizza for dinner. Over the past couple of years he has come around a lot, but it took his mother dying suddenly and him facing his own mortality, as well as looking at how his father treated his mother for him to make these strides. I still have to tell him, "we need a night out, it's been six months". He never realizes it's been that long. Talk to your dh, men can be oblivious sometimes.

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. . . mostly because I know he actually hates it, but I do envy the knack he has for putting his needs first.

 

When he's tired, he takes a nap.

When he wants to watch a stupid action movie on TV, even one that is not appropriate for our son, he turns it on.

When he wants to play a computer game, he plays.

When he wants to buy something, he buys it.

 

Oh, I could go on, but there really isn't a lot of point to it.

 

When my kids complain about their dad (which they do), I usually just remind them that he has many good qualities and that it is not possible to make people change just because we want them to do so. He is who he is, and we need to love and appreciate him for that.

 

And I'm sure that one of these days, I will manage to finally let go of my resentment about that rocking chair I never got, right?

 

--Jenny

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and yes, it *could* be hormones, but I've felt this during non-pregnant moments...especially when dh was working in this job the last time around. Valerie, you mentioned his heart. It's interesting because he is a very family oriented man. BUT, dh CRAVES those "words of affirmation", the ego-building that he gets at his job. He feels he doesn't get it at home (despite my praise, adoration, etc....he says it's not the same). I think he prefers to be there than here. It's why he left the classroom...again...b/c he wasn't getting the ego stroking he so desperately needs. I think it is that one single factor that motivates him and drives him sometimes. We've had this discussion and he does recognize this in himself...but it doesn't change anything. Funny, but he's writing a fiction novel and his main character is basically...him! Same job and there is a situation where his character talks about his traveling and working as an "escape". He swears it's fiction but there is so much truth to it.

 

Anyway, he doesn't keep me in a box. I'm not a slave. He permits me evenings out on occasion, time to rest when I'm run-down (although he would be most content to lay down with me and does frequently...kind of defeats the purpose :glare:). I have no fear he want some young, pretty, thin thing. He's constantly making s#xual comments to me and little inuendos. YKWIM? It's constant. While it affirms that he finds me attractive...it drives me bonkers b/c I'm thinking, "Dude, I'm 9 mos. pregnant...s$x is the LAST think on my mind...just go away!". See, physical touch is another one of his "love languages". Sorry dude, can't do it right now. A hug now and then, a massage (w/out leading into something else), cuddle time, etc...that would be great. BUT, he can't do that w/out it leading to something else.

 

Anyway, I'm going to try to "count my blessings" today and forget about this envy. Thanks again for the honest responses. So nice to have such good friends...even if you are "invisible" :D:D

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  • 2 months later...

I'm jealous that my hubby isn't pregnant and I am, I'm jealous that he can actually move without feeling nauseous, I'm jealous that no one looks down on him for not earning money, I'm jealous that no one blames him if the house is untidy even though he is one of the most untidy beings ever created. (The particular someone who does this is his mother. I'm sure it's her fault he isn't tidy, not mine. She didn't nag him enough as a child, clearly!)

Of course dh is jealous that I'm at home and get to school kids I actually care about.

What do I do about it? Nothing at the moment because he's working so hard nobody could envy him. In fact I had to correct his reports so they'd get done on time (he's a teacher.) I used to throw crying tantrums, since polite requests to help didn't sink in. Then I finally got the bright idea of paying a teenaged friend to do housework for a few hours a week; and I stuff dh's random stuff in a box out the back where I don't have to see it. Once in a while, when my wheels are really falling off, I go on strike. I go into the bedroom, close the door and sit in bed reading and don't come out except to put my dinner bowl in the kitchen.

Pregnancy sucks. I don't know how you people with large families manage. No desire for more kids is going to be enough to make me go through pregnancy again!!

:)

Rosie

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Has anyone else ever felt jealous of your spouse?

 

and then reality sets in! I would HATE with a passion going to meetings like he does all day long! :banghead: Yikes! If I did have a job, I would want to have something where I could be alone and peek my head out whenever I want to.

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What gets to me is people gushing over my dh and acting like I owe him or I need to be greatful to him, because his hard hard work pays for my "vacation" I am on. (the vacation being that I am a stay at home mom and his hard hard work being a very cushy job).

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What gets to me is people gushing over my dh and acting like I owe him or I need to be greatful to him, because his hard hard work pays for my "vacation" I am on. (the vacation being that I am a stay at home mom and his hard hard work being a very cushy job).

 

Oh, so you have met my in-laws?

 

how'd that visit go for you?

 

:banghead:

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What gets to me is people gushing over my dh and acting like I owe him or I need to be greatful to him, because his hard hard work pays for my "vacation" I am on. (the vacation being that I am a stay at home mom and his hard hard work being a very cushy job).

 

 

Or like my mil, "He has to work so hard while you stay home and spend his money. " Oh and she was JUST JOKING of course. :glare:

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Now I am, though.

 

I continued to homeschool as well as launching a new fulltime career. DH had lost his job. He did not pick up ANY slack--no housework, no homeschooling, nothing. If he took DD anywhere, it was to a class or to park her in front of a TV. He got another job after 18 months, that was a bit family friendly. He gave it up for one he liked better, even though he had a chance for another one that would have eased our financial situation entirely, but that he didn't like as much. He refused to even apply for that one, which was more or less the job that he had been laid off from before.

 

I feel so stressed so much of the time that I can hardly stand it, essentially carrying two fulltime jobs; and he just complains that I don't do as much housework as I used to.

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Or like my mil, "He has to work so hard while you stay home and spend his money. " Oh and she was JUST JOKING of course. :glare:

 

My MIL said something like this to me...once...about 12 years ago. She does not say such things anymore, I assure you. She sort of walks on eggshells if she even touches on the subject, in fact.

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My MIL said something like this to me...once...about 12 years ago. She does not say such things anymore, I assure you. She sort of walks on eggshells if she even touches on the subject, in fact.

 

My mil stomps all over the eggs. She says everything that comes into her head, real or made up, she has no filter whatsoever. :glare:

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My mil stomps all over the eggs. She says everything that comes into her head, real or made up, she has no filter whatsoever. :glare:

 

I have no filter, :( I hope my son chooses a cool DIL for me or she is gonna loathe my guts.

 

 

 

 

 

The only time I envy dh is now, I am 38-39 weeks pregnant, measuring much larger and really not very happy with the world.

 

AND he is not rubbing my feet.:glare:

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Would you like me to come for a visit and we'll wait for her to say something to me? :D

 

I have tried it all sista! I have tried being calm yet forceful, loud and forceful, nasty, mean, ignore it, etc. etc. etc.

 

But heck yeah! I would take any help I can get. :tongue_smilie:

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My mil stomps all over the eggs. She says everything that comes into her head, real or made up, she has no filter whatsoever. :glare:

 

Ohhhhh, mines TWIN!

 

:glare:

 

She spews about me around the town i grew up in - thinking it won't get back to me since i live 3000 miles now. HA....

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I have no filter, :( I hope my son chooses a cool DIL for me or she is gonna loathe my guts.

 

 

 

 

 

The problem with my mil is she is downright mean and she lies and her lies become the truth to her. Those alone are bad but all added together it is just ridiculous. The last time we were there I just ignored her, why fight or even disagree with an irrational, mean liar?

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I am sure some would think this is terrible but when I am driving with the kiddos (believe me living in Northern Indiana we didn't get out much this winter) I declare it the no talking to mom zone. Of course if they need something thats fine but I turn the music on and it is for the most part quiet time or jam to the music time.

 

Oh my, I do this ALL the time! Don't feel bad, lol.

 

Kim

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The problem with my mil is she is downright mean and she lies and her lies become the truth to her. Those alone are bad but all added together it is just ridiculous. The last time we were there I just ignored her, why fight or even disagree with an irrational, mean liar?

 

Wow, I didn't know I had another SIL! You must be married to one of the long lost sons that no one knew about? This sounds ever so much like my MIL! Welcome to the family!:lol:

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...and after seeing Abigail keep up the farm, make a harrowing decision (at that time) to vaccinate her kids against the deadly "bloody pox" that was going around, and just generally worry about her husband and run her family for long periods of time, I could sympathize in a small way.

 

And then, he tells her he's going to Paris.

 

My husband had to chuckle, because we've had this conversation before, about how he gets to go all these places that I would LOVE to visit...and he really doesn't care to be there at all. (Philadelphia was the last one, a week ago). Sure, he's had to sit in a tent in the desert, during wartime...but he's also spent countless hours traveling, staying in hotel rooms, alone, and eating out. All action that I'd love a part of.

 

Nabby, the Adams' daughter, at one point in the episode we were watching, said something to the effect of..."How come boys get to have all the adventures?" and I wanted to scream, "YES! WHY?!?!?!"

 

:)

 

Because someone has to be the "Mommy". (Or, "parent at home", for those dudes that are SAHDs)

 

Honestly, the only thing that works for me is reminding myself why we set things up this way, and reminding myself of how important it is. During the years that my husband did his other job (military), my job was just as important as his, because having a family that was safe and secure while he was gone, that he could come home to, made him a better NCO, I believe. The job he's embroiled in now is important, too...but honestly, I believe that mine is more important. We've got to have food, we've got to pay bills, but the reasons why we decided to homeschool/have me be a SAHM are infinitely important to the future of our individual children, and that's mostly on my back, day in and day out.

 

Some advice might be to find a pursuit that allows you an identity outside of your home, and that's fine. I've done that, myself. (Ramped up my freelance writing career). But you know what? I still have to work hard to get the tiny amount of free time that I need to do it, I still have to do my 'main' job...and I'm nowhere close to getting the perks/kudos that my husband gets, lol. In short, the imbalance won't go away just because you get an outlet to distract you/enliven other areas of your life.

 

You just have to embrace it. I'm not talking about becoming the Rodney Dangerfield of the house, and lamenting the lack of respect that your endeavor as a mom gets...just remember that your reward isn't tangible, yet. Remind yourself why you've made the choices you've made, make any changes that might be needed to balance any out-of-whack dynamics that are going on (you and your husband's division of responsibility/labor in the family might bear some examining, if you're overwhelmed)...and just relax into it. Accept that it's that way.

 

And watch John Adams. ;)

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I do know how you feel... I've felt it in the past. And sometimes it still rears its ugly head... usually on a really awful day where I've had to deal with too many bad attitudes while he was out meeting with people and eating yummy lunches! BUT ours is a job with long term benefits... and often only little tiny reminders of how important a work we are doing in raising our kids. (I am only discussing SAHMoms right now... I'm sure this could all be said of those who are SAHDs as well.... just speaking from my own perspective though.)

 

Dads are incredibly important, to be sure, but more often than not people will look back on their life and say, "My mother was the most influential person in my life." Now they can mean this in a positive or negative way of course... she may have been an influence that took over their life and made it a living hell... she may have left them when they were very young... but whatever she does or doesn't do leaves a permanent mark on her children forever, whether good or bad. That tells me that this work I'm doing is extremely important. It doesn't have all the perks... it involves a lot of sacrifice (though if I'm being honest I will say that with not getting to eat out as much as DH I'm sure I am not as overweight as I COULD be! LOL) but it's a gift to my children that they will carry with them forever and which will go on to affect the next generations. How my mother was mothered affects me... how her mother was mother affects her... and that will continue being true throughout the generations.

 

So while I can get jealous of the freedom, the peace and quiet that he gets and the whatever else that I don't get at the moment, I'd be telling myself a big fat lie if I believed that all the perks are better than something that will leave a lasting mark throughout generations to come. (I'm not saying you believe that... but sometimes I think it's easy to lose sight of the big picture.)

 

It also helps me to realize that with all of his quiet time and meetings, he is often doing heavy work and constantly balancing a great many plates, all while trying to be the best husband and father he knows how as well... He probably doesn't have it anywhere near as easy as I sometimes make it out to be in my mind. He has many more heavy weights of responsibility on him that I don't envy at all...

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Yes, I often feel jealous of my spouse! He is near the top of his field, and highly appreciated in his job by everyone around him. He gets to go on trips and eats at nice restaurants with everything paid for him. He loves everything about what he does as well, so that's just icing on the cake.

 

When I am prone to "go there", I remind myself that the Lord has truly blessed *me* with such a confident, job-loving spouse. Anything negative that would happen in his life would trickle down to stress on me eventually. So, I believe it is God's way of blessing me too! :D

 

And yes, it would be nice to have all the oohs and ahhs about what I do day to day and to get money bonuses to boot! But alas that is not the case, nor will it ever be. Any work I do is "unto the Lord", and honestly if I had any other reasons to do what I do, I would probably be doing them "unto man". ;)

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